heavy duty shit in therapy yesterday. rejection, dismissal, self hatred etc etc. my psyche is fighting tooth and nail to keep some horrible thing secret. what that is i don’t know. saw the shrink last week. another appointment and a new script. losing faith in pharmaceuticals. there doesn’t seem to be anything out there for me. left the office angry and upset. felt rejected, dismissed, discarded. why exactly i don’t know. the doc didn’t do or say anything particularly egregious. it was like there was something i desperately wanted to communicate but i couldn’t find the words. then my 20 minutes was up. go away. […]
Tag:
Brick Wall
i feel them cutting but thers nothing in my hands
i feel the blood runing down my vanes and in to the open air
can you feel it
can you smell it
im loosing controle
im not loosing fath
im fighting back genst a brick wall
and for some reson that i dont understand im loosing
im loosing agenst an objet
look at the wold fall
look at the them stand tall
help me rase a call
a fighting withdrol
im lost
not fownd
im dead
not drownd
im cold
not cool
im something that you will never understand i feel
i feel
i feel
i feel
i look at my arm
look at the blood
look at the cut that cerculs my wrist
look at me fall
look
look
look
hes gon at last […]
My head is a mess. I’m only 19. I’m a girl but I want to be a boy, no one knows that. My mom only stays with us one month per year ’cause she has to work in another country, my dad has mental problems, I live with him, yay. I only have one friend but we don’t share everything.
I was supposed to live. I was supposed to give something to this world. But no, I’m here, preparing my suicide. No note left, just my Tumblr account can clarify some things about the real me. I have no talent, no social skills, no motivations, just […]
Ive tried to tell myself that it was just a phase, for the fact that it is common for a teenager of the female gender to develop feelings, or in my case, fall in love, with their male best friend. And since I run every feeling and thought underneath a “Logic” magnifying glass, I’ve been able to coax myself into believing that when I fell in love with my best friend at the age of 15 it was because of the fact that we had known each other for so long before we were teens, that the reason that he was my first kiss is […]
I fucking hate my job. i hate it with a passion. its part time and i dont make money from it. the people there are horrible i cant stand some of them i feel like they all talk shit behind my back. it makes my anxiety worse when i feel like this. i get in trouble for things i didnt do or “didnt do by policy” wtf? why does it have to be so friggin complicated? i get up every morning get on a bus to get there i come at least a half hour early. i clock in by myself on time, i stand […]
 I’m forwarding you this just so you can understand a little of what I’m going through right now. I don’t want you to do anything with this, it’s just to help you understand.Â
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My life has been a life of trauma. My mother sent me away(I reminded her of him too much)Â for many weeks, at 8, when my brother was crushed by a brick wall. I saw it all. I was not allowed to cry over his death. I was forced to pour soil over his urn. We had always been stuck together like glue.
 At 14 I was gang raped in broad daylight by some […]