Autumn is here….the season where everything dies…. I love this time of year and I’m glad that this will be the last season I ever experience…its something soothing about watching nature die….the leaves fall…the grass turns tan…..the bugs die…..flowers wilt away…. seems like the perfect time to die….
~as always no grammar. deal with it.~
i told the two people who i still consider my friends that we were not going to school that afternoon, we were skipping. as usual. we left at lunch and went to the supermarket near our highschool and i bought them some lunch.
i dont eat anymore- i am more skinny than the supermodels our society for some reason looks up to. i dont grow anymore either. i am fifteen but i am about as tall as an eleven or twelve year old. yesterday i ate no breakfast or lunch, and a few mouth-fulls of pasta. this wouldn’t hurt me as much if half the medications i am on weren’t melting my stomach out.
we ended up in the bog. there is a bog on the edge of my end of the city. it has always felt out of place, its a natural oasis in the middle of a chaoticÂ pollutedÂ mass of existence.
i can relate.
if you hop on some fallen logs past the old rotten docks you can get to an abandoned dock that almost everyone has forgotten about. its beautiful there. the animals, bugs, birds, they all seem at peace as if theyÂ don’tÂ realize that if they left their home they would enter a cloud of suburban death.
we lay on that dock for several hours without saying much. the best friends are not the ones who you love to talk with. the best friends are the ones that you are perfectly happy being with without saying anything.
as i lay there i thought about things. all i ever do is think. i think more than anyone i know ever will in there whole life.
i wondered why i have to live, but what angered me was that death is the only way around living. why does nothingness have to be the only other option when there is still a part of the world untouched by sadness? why cant i fly south or burrow in the mud? why do i have to get a job and have a family and deal withÂ ridiculousÂ social conventions every day when i could survive off everything in a half kilometer radius of me for as long as i wanted?
life is complicated and all we can do is make it worse. if people a thousand years could see us scheduling our lives and giving our newborns a template life from the moment they are born, what would they think?
they would laugh.
i don’t laugh anymore.
i dont smile.
i barely even live.
my life is an calm bubble of water in a whirling hell fire of chaos.
my life is a decaying dock in a pond being crushed and closed in by a world that has turned against it.
Oke. So last night one of my friends asked me if I wanted to join her to travel through Thailand for a month in the summer. I was looking myself for things to do in the summer. I donÂ´t want to stay here, thats for sure. I thought maybe visit some family in Greece, but thats, just the same as always.
I would love to travel to Thailand actually. I would love to go to Australia and New zealand too, but that would be a different trip. Ive been talking about travelling and adventures my entire life, but since five years I guess (since the weed) I never really thought about it anymore.
What bothers me though, if I say I want to come and we start planning the trip. I can not kill myself for at least 5 months. Because I wouldnt want her planning the trip and getting excited and stuff and then she cant go because I had to kill myself per se, sigh. It just kind of bugs me, the thought that you canÂ´t do it.
I think it would be good for me though. Maybe this is something I need to get me out of this misery IÂ´m in.
i wanna become an actor/ err maybe an astronaut/ psychologist….eventually when i get better
I have ADD, severe social anxiety issues, i’m scared of people I’m a high school dipout due to loosing friends/paranoia (i have one close friend)from depression due to selective mutism, Im paranoid, some OCD,Â I’ve had a past some mild sexual abuse…I’m a loner, use to be suicidal, use to think of it everyday but now im better.(i’ve attempted it),I might have avdp, and maybe social ptsd I can be really sensitive but I always bounce back. I’m a mad genius, usually a step or two ahead. I am kind of random, I love to sing and play keyboardÂ by ear, video games, swimming, rock climbing, being outdoors, star gazing. wrestling my brother(I’m a vegetarian, but not afraid to sneak in some meatÂ animals (but bugs freak me out) , scary movies, making moviesÂ I’m a good writer, ( I suck at reading though ? and I fancy myself an artist. I have acute hearing, a night owl,’m sneaky I could be a spy. I’m very mysterious, scared to express myself, I think too much. (get lost in my thoughts)I suck at sports, could live without them. I am super clumsy. Kind of insane.(I dont understand myself) I’m a good looking girl (could be a model i’ve been told many times)but im super lonely and lost and confused. Idont do drugs/ I dont like alcohol, i think its stupid.Â FEAR IS THE ONLY THING I’ve ever known, Things would be so much easier If i didnt care, and was straightup to be myself. IM A SCREW UP, loser, every day i wish to restart my life but then again i dont wann change anything.
No one unerstands me, not even myself. Im scared to open up and explain to people.Oh and I love to laugh. (weird sense of humor).I know i seem bipolar,,, im fcked, im making it sound better than i actually have it..so much more but you get the jest i guess….I’m so ashamed with my issues, I coverthem up but its not easy, im afraid to die, een more afraid to live HOW CAN I NOT GIVE A SHT ?
This is sort of an unplanned Part 2 to my last post “caring is a flaw”
Today I was supposed to meet with banks and lawyers and other seemingly important people, but instead I spent the whole morning rescuing ladybugs that were trapped at the window. 14 or 15 of them… it’s a lot harder than you’d think.
The world will never give a damn about those 14 or 15 insects, but that’s exactly why I saved them. To spite this unjust, unfair, crappy world. I imagined myself as one of those bugs, stuck at a glass window slowly dying while nobody cared.
I don’t believe in any god or superhero that will save me the same way. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m dying at my window without any cosmic help. But just for laughs… just to prove that there is a god (even if it’s just a god of ladybugs) I thought I’d make a difference to 14 or 15 lives that will never never matter.
I just feel I’m not worthy of living.
People who live should want to live. They should be happy and should want to accomplish things.
Ive posted about my lists before, that was not really a success. (understatement)
Since Im very chaotic, sigh, I lost my original lists. Which lead to a panic attack caus I cant stand losing things. So I made new ones. And it bothers me really much that I dont know what exactly was on the original lists.. but anyway I’ll just add the things I forgot now later.
I thought I could maybe share the lists this time.
Reasons to die:
- I am selfish;
- I am ugly. Really ugly, partly because I’m too lazy to do anything about it. Partly because my body is entirely covered in scars from about 8 years of cutting;
- Obsessive: due to my OCD;
- Im paranoid like hell: I always see things and hear things and feel like bugs are crawling over my body. I always feel like everyone is looking at me because Im so ugly and everyone is laughing at me;
- Im an addict;
- Im a whore: and im not good enough to be anything else than a whore. Im only capable of being a users-object;
- Im aggressive;
- Too impulsive: I spend money like crazy, I always say and do whatever comes to mind first;
- Always negative: some former friends event old me they didnt want to hang out with me anymore because I always bring them down by being so negative;
- Im stupid and I fucked up college;
- It would just be easier and more quiet for everyone;
- Im not a friendly person: Im just not nice;
- I get anger attacks often: especially when I dont have the means to get high;
- I ruin lifes;
- Im manipulative; I know how to make people do things for me when I want them too. I used to manipulate my ex so he would stay with me. He left me (good for him) after I ruined his life;
- Im a liar: no I dont just make up random things for ‘fun’, im just an excellent liar and it sickens me. I dont even have to think about it, when I need to (and since I’m an addict I need to a lot) the lies just come rolling out of my mouth;
- I have hurt a lot of people with my stupid and selfish behaviour;
- Im not good at anything. I could not make a worthy contribute to society inÂ any way;
- I have had voices in my head since I can remember, and its driving me crazy;
- I get attached to people very easily which causes me to be dissapointed very easily.
- I have major seperation anxiety;
- I have crazy moodswings;
- I feel empty and I have always felt like this, the emptiness even hurts;
- Im very chaotic: which often becomes a problem to other people because I blame everyone else;
- I most likely have borderline disorder which cant simply be cured, youll always be a borderline patient. (i left my psychiatrist before she gave me a diagnose);
- Ive wanted to die since I can remember so I should just do it.
Reasons not to die:
- My mother and some other people may get upset.. but I think it would be a big relieve for everyone since Im just a burdon.
And yeah, if you know whats wrong you should be able to fix it right?
I have tried to fix myself for a very, very long time and I am tired. I dont have the energy to do anything. I dont want to be fixed anymore. I just want to die.
People have told me, “Don’t do it, Emma” and “You can talk to me about anything”. But I can’t. I know I’m not alone in this but it always feels like I am. I’ve had people call the Suicide Hotlines on me and I’ve helped other people get through their own depressions but I can never seem to shake the pain, loneliness, jealousy, or depression. I have problems I know I need to fix but I just can’t.
Im 14. My name is Emma and I live in Colorado. When I was three, my mom and dad divorced after my mom knowingly broke my younger brother’s leg and blaming it on my dad. My dad went to jail for a few days until it was proven that it wasn’t him but my mom got away scot-free. My dad was in and out of my life for all of it, only staying for a week at best. I have been to nine schools in various states all because of myÂ mom’s whims. I lived in Hawaii for two years where I went to two schools until I moved BACK to Colorado after my almost- step dad nearly killed my younger brother and I had to send him to jail, along with my mother. I was in foster care for six months, separated from my only sibling and my entire family. The place I was in had infestations of various bugs and the people were horrible. Luckily, I was in an all-girls room but if I had had to share with the guys, I would have most definitely been assaulted and/or raped. I moved back to Colorado to live with my dad last year (2011), leaving my brother behind. My dad “dealt” with me for 6 months then disappeared. Last I heard, he was just getting back from a cruise in the Caribbean with his girlfriend who was actually a really nice person. My mom had been an alcoholic and total stoner for most of my life. When she was a teenager, she had been “easy” to sleep around with. Apparently, she had had an abortion or two before me that I didn’t know about. She had me at 19. I was always too short or too young for everything. My younger brother had a tendency to get everything he wanted while I was stuck with anything my mom could get for free. On the last day I lived with them, my brother had an Xbox, a GameCube, a Nintendo DS, and a Laptop. The only electronic I had was an old alarm clock that my “step-dad” threw away, and a cell phone that I only got because it was 10 dollars a month to track my every move. I never smoked and I only ever used to drink when I could get away with it. I hate cutting and I will never do it because the pain is unnecessary and pointless. Recently, I’ve been kicked out of the Technical Theatre class at my school (Which was pretty much my LIFE even if nobody talked to me), Denied every solo and duet I’ve tried out for ( 5 total), and gotten put in the one choir I DIDN’T audition for. All my friends are either non-existent, never around, or aren’t really my friends. My family is sporadic and spread out. I’m living with my grandpa in the middle of Mormon Suburbia and I’m Atheist. I love my family and don’t want to hurt anyone but I’ve been depressed and sick of my life for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the day it gets better but it only ever gets worse. I’ve had one long-term boyfriend who had a terrible accident in which he nearly died, and we broke up because he was desperate and I was getting sick of it. I have plenty of interests in guys but none of them are interested in me. The one person in life that I want to talk to has been dead for four years and I’m at my wits end with everything. I’ve been waiting for something that will never come. I’m going to die eventually. Why not make it a bit sooner?
All the things I’ve tried to do with my life has backfired and now I’m just going to take one bottle of pills and a Dr Pepper and finish this. Hopefully it wont backfire this time.