Life – 567,983,122……. Me – 0…. That’s how many times I’ve been kicked in the balls, it’s a rough estimate of course but I don’t think I’m off by much, just something else taken from me. Not another child or grandchild this time, another business, apparently I’m broke more than I figured and business partner and friend has been selling off equipment, and the rest is on it’s way. We never even got to get things up and running. $150,000. Worth of equipment has been sold for close to fuckin nothing, and all I can do is sit back and watch. At least I still have my good looks, wait…. no that’s not it. At least I still have my youth, no that’s not it either. I still have my self respect…… no, that’s been gone for awhile now. Hmmmmm. I’m gonna have to think about this for a minute…… To be continued…….. yes that’s a good ending….
Losing yet another good acquaintance…
Let’s call him Roger. I just got an email from him saying goodbye. He’s moving to Seaside, OR
I didn’t know. WE didn’t know (one of the groups I volunteer at) he’d been planning ‘his trip’ since last year.
Roger is a two-time cancer survivor.
Always the fighter, he went to own the business he started working at years ago.
His youngest ‘child’ will be heading for college this summer.
Roger’s wife’s already waiting for him having passed a few years ago after a tragic accident.
Roger has a thriving business, family and has his entire affairs in order.
He also has ALS. An aggressive case of it.
It’s been amazing knowing him.
If things could only be as smooth as this all the time as one prepares for the final exit…
Do you see it? You can still accomplish a lot, put things in order, minimize the impact of our own departure on our family and friends.
Leaving doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to make a messy exit (not referring to the chosen method). We can go graciously and responsibly…
…or not leave at all.
suesyd . nomore (at) g mail . co m
Today, surprisingly, I wasn’t as hyperactive for a few hours. I still wasn’t anywhere near the ‘normal calm’, but I wasn’t talking constantly and I didn’t rush around everywhere as much.
Although, it’s gotten bad again as time has got on. It’s now 2AM, and I’m somewhat “calmer” again – but I can feel the hyperness coming back.
My mum found out I’ve done no work for college over the holiday – which ultimately means I’ll fail this year and be kicked off the course – and she yelled at me non-stop for a good half hour.
I’ve tried to tell her I’ve had more important things to do, but does she listen? Here’s a hint: no. Because planning a round-the-world trip and writing down everything to start a new business isn’t going to take up a lot of time. Of course not.
Turns out, I see my therapist this Friday coming. If I can just put off college until then, I can show her how I don’t need to go anymore. I’m going to go around the world soon anyway, and then I’ll have this new bakery business.
My mum still comments on my ‘mania’, which is fucking annoying. Yes, I get you probably know what it’s like since your sister is Bipolar, but that doesn’t mean you can go around saying I’m manic. Tell my psychiatrist or something, but don’t outright say it to my face.
Unless her and my psychiatrist have spoken about it already. That’s what the phone call was about. And, as per, I’m too slow off the mark to realise. They’re all against me again. Fan-bloody-tastic.
Last night, I had the most difficult attempt at sleeping.
I had booked a Motel to saying weeks prior with the intention of forcing myself to be social and go to an event at a bar. But as time grew closer, I was contemplating suicide.
I was afraid that the room I had booked would be my last night. I thought of buying a rope but was afraid of being judged, so I decided not to buy it. I checked in and bought an egg sandwich and alcohol. I took a xanax and began to drink. I walked to the bar and the place was deserted. It was so depressing, that i drank one beer, and walked back to the room. I began drinking and after an hour and a half, I walked back to the bar. There were more people. Some even dancing. At one point in the night, I noticed that a woman was possibly trying to get my attention, but I was drunk and lonely. I just thought I would turn around and see Jane. Her look, her smell and taste were never there and so at 2am I left the bar. I staggered and even fell. I didn’t care. Hoping to get hurt or die.
I collapsed on the bed. I awoke cold because I had left the AC on. Then as I awoke, Jane called. It lifted my spirits tremendously. I was still drunk and felt the lingering effects of the pill, so I skateboarded. I fell several times and again I didn’t care. I would get a call from her and her voice was so sweet. We decided to meet. We did some business, that in the end, I felt used for. We ate, we looked for music and a movie to watch together. She said she loved me but didn’t want to reciprocate any feeling that I showed physical or worded. Instead, she grabbed my arm when I hugged her. This was like a test for her and torture for me. There she was, in front of me, I could not have her. When she did touch me, I felt such respite. When we hugged I felt so rested. But the night closed and I was not invited to stay. I had been too forward and looked like I was rejected again.
That night, I had nyquil to try and rest but instead had the most vivid nightmare. It was of Jane kicking me out. When I awoke, I was in a state of shock. I got dressed and took my bike. I ended up sitting on the stairs of a church. Hoping that hearing her voice will ground me, she finally called back. She could tell I was sad and she tried to cheer me up. Hugging me, caressing my arms leaving me a small note. I missed our connection. We even saw a small apartment together. Of course as the I dropped her off, again she reiterated her feelings of staying apart. She in a sense had been so kind because she loved me but was not in love with me.
Today, I am going to attempt sobriety, to mach her new sober and fitness lifestyle. Of course I am also doing it because it has caused years of wasted time, horrible times and lastly, losing Jane. But, I also have noticed the bar rod in the closet, and constantly continue thinking of hanging myself. The pain I feel is almost too much to bear if I know that a person I have known for 10 years will leave me for another.
I was once a young, ambitious man. I loved smoking weed and one day I got some from California. It was really good and I sold a lot of it. Within 6 months, I was making about $2-3000 a week. I sold for about 5 years. I never had a job, just a full time dealer. Last year I spent 22k on plane tickets alone.
I would always use cash and avoid using my bank card and account, but I still managed to have 150k go through my bank account in the past 5 years. Plane tickets, for example, have to be bought on a card (or they’re really expensive if you buy them cash at the airport).
My luck caught up with me and I got a visit from the SWAT team. Ever since then, I posted bail and I have an ankle monitor and I’m on house arrest. My court keeps getting pushed back, it’s been almost a year now. They say they have up to 3 years to get me, so I might be waiting another year until I even start processing my case.
Now I work at my family’s restaurant. I work sometimes 50-60 hour weeks and it is challenging work. My mom is an alcoholic so that is unenjoyable. I live in the middle of nowhere and there’s nothing but country people out here, mostly old, also quite a few racists. I hate it.
I tell myself every day, I’m going to try and be happy. It never works. Life before was challenging, cops and robbers and all, but I was free, I made good money, I had lots of friends, and now I just have these old country people who I have nothing in common with.
I feel like my identity is fading. I don’t care about anything. I have no friends. I can’t travel. On the good days, I can make it through the day. On the bad days, I Google ‘I hate my life’ and ‘I want to die’.
I found this website, don’t know if it will help, but this is my story. One time I was having sex with my ex girlfriend, I had $30000 on my bed. Now everything is gone, I can’t do anything, and I work really hard to maintain the business that I feel like only I take serious.. And it’s not my business and probably never will be.
Unless I live here for 40 years and die out here. That’s my life. I’m trapped. I’m stuck. I hate it. I went from lifestyles of the rich and famous to a country nobody with nothing. I miss my drugs and my fun. Now I’m stuck.. With nothing but the basics… And people tell me I should be grateful…
I don’t know how much longer I can take it out here, maybe a couple of years. But deep down… I just wanna die.
I like this video it makes me feel less sub conscious about my looks. The girl makes me a bunch of good points now onto the post
I said in a previous post that i would kill myself in 18 (now 17 1/2 months) then i realized its more like 11 1/2. You see if im in the home strech at the same point I’m at I’m going to do it. Don’t get me wrong im moving forward still working out i have an interview tomorrow in the new city im moving to (about an hour and a half away this makes the 3rd major move in less than a year). I have the game and web design things to do along with other business i plan to start with family. There is a legit reason to be optimistic. But i have ** years of experience in failure to tell me otherwise. I cant even glance at tv with out pain being triggered. I do want to die… at times. Other times i get to anxious/depressed to move forward. Im just realizing i have less room for error than i thought. I have some bare minimum requirements before i consider myself off the suicide hook. A revenue stream doing something i like and the ability to date on girls on a regular basis without multiyear gaps between dates. (Why did i put that there here come the get out there comments from people who havent been bullied to shit about their looks/weight by girls and dudes but fuck dudes i can stab them lol). My actual goals is to be in a healthy relationship and be completely independent financially doing a job/running a business/working in a career i love but i dont feel like my basement goals are too far out of reach.
Heres the smiths because why not
Greetings and Salutations!
First order of business… Fuck me. I’m still walking in damn circles. Blah blah, whoa is me.
Next, I got a letter from the publishing company wanting a new original poem by May. All I been writing is dark material. Now I can’t write at all.
Derp Derpinson here.
And again, fuck me.
Lost my job. Got bills. Leg ulcer that is killing me. No family. No friends. Plus, I get the “bonus” of living in America which means that without money I will eventually become one of the walking dead on the streets. Love to live in this isolating, uncaring, self absorbed society. Opportunities abound!! As long as you have the money to pay for them!!
America only works for the managers and bosses who pay employees as little as they can to maximize their own profit. Heaven forbid they should want to share the wealth they made on the backs of the employees that actually made their business happen.
A few weeks back I was arrested for fraud and as I type this letter the Police are investigating me.
My life has collapse – I have lost my marriage, I will lose my house, no job and my dearest two boys particularly my youngest (14) does not want to know me but my oldest is autistic so he cannot comprehend the situation.
Our marriage has always been stressful – looking after our autistic son, my health problems and wife’s depression. Our youngest was always was protected – giving him a carefree life with a great education. With that protection he is now in a Royal Ballet school doing really well until I turned my family life upside down.
When our oldest was born, he had many issues from autism, hypoglycemia to celiac disease. My wife was unable to go back to work so money became tight and felt so under pressure that I started taking money from the business to supplement our lifestyle and seeing the smile on my wife’s face as well as my children just gave me a buzz – made me feel so good for a short while. Deep down as years went by I felt more stressed and feeling depressed but could not bring myself to see my Doctor as I did not want my wife to find out with everything going in our lives.
Last September I made a decision that this cannot continue – I cannot keep taking money from my employers and I also wanted to reduced my demanding job which I was average 60 to 70 hours a week. It was October/November I decided to work with an outsourced firm of Accountants and there job will be take some of the financial responsibilities away from me giving me more time with the family but also to stop me taking money from the business. A live date was for 1 Feb but by that date I was somehow found out and the Police became involved.
The present day – my wife hates me, my youngest refuses to talk to me and does not want me around Easter holidays so I have leave from next week for 2 weeks. I haven’t seen my autistic son for a few weeks but he could never understand the seriousness of the situation. My youngest cannot believe one day he will not have a house to come back to – his father will be expected to go to prison for a couple of years. Basically his life has been turned upside down because of me.
I have been so weak and pathetic – I allowed myself to keep taking money for years so to keep my family feeling happy and secure as possible knowing all the while the stress and depression was building up inside me.
Over the last weeks, I have been researching the best way to take my life and the helium method seems to be the best way to go. I have now got all the materials ready and I now I need to chose the day soon.
Everyday that passes, I hate myself more and more and I cannot believe I ruined my family lives – all because I wasn’t strong enough to stop a long time ago. My friends tell me to stay strong for my childrens’ sake even though my youngest refuses to speak to me but my brain is telling me to move on and take your life. I am so stressed, confused and tearful.
I am also under the mental health team who nearly sectioned on Tuesday but was allowed to go away to my sister’s place in Ireland next week.
For me, my head is telling me that I cannot go on spoiling my family life any longer. I am weak and pathetic and my negative emotions are winning this fight. My life is now in total darkness.
I love my wife and children so so much and I hope one day they will find it in their heart to forgive me.
God, please protect my family – they deserve so much happiness without me.
I have a decision to kill myself in the head but at the same time I have people who are trying to help me. They want to add psychoanalyst to my psychologist and psychiatrist. Also I am supposed to have a support person who would meet me I don’t know once a week. I feel like its too much. Too many people putting their nose into my business. And it feels like so much effort for nothing.
I don’t see anything changing my mind. Of course I can’t tell them my real thougths. Or maybe I should. I am hospitalized already… Ah I’ve been thinking what about people who are too depressed to post on SP, even if they come here? I don’t think I am really depressed but I have trouble expressing myself here too. *it was a change of topic I know* It bothers me that whatever I say they still want to help even more.
Ewh… Whatever can’t make this post work. But maybe some of you are also over crowded with helpers.
Trying to fight depression and fatigue. I’ve been taking ephedrine and caffeine to lose weight. It is helping but a side effect is fucked up sleep. I work in a few hours at a job i can’t do and will be fired from soon. I haven’t put in other applications or done anything with my business (web design I’ve only got 2 clients in the past year) or potential businesses i want to start (game/app design, and t-shirt company). Im just moping on my mom’s couch.
My neck is fucked up. It’s been jacked up for a while idk if all of this exercise is helping it at all. Yesterday was only the 4th rest day ive taken from working out the past 3 weeks. I want to exercise as often as possible the endorphin high fools me into forgetting depression.
I wonder if I’ll ever find someone and if so how. Ive made very few friends of any kind since high school over a decade ago. Now i don’t even live in the same state. Meeting people is unnatural for me. How will i meet a girl? Certainly not my ratchet ass temp job. I go back and forth on whether or not im attractive enough to get someone. There are certainly other people who arent models in happy relationships and my standards on looks aren’t as high as my standards on the quality of the person. Not saying she has to be perfect but the person inside is more important. Ok enough rambling.
First off I am sorry Monster for you.
So yeah, lately I did became more calm and a degree under happy, rather satisfied. I have everything I need here, no work, no other people.
Speaking of people, I really feel like being asocial, I don’t wanna see anyone, don’t wanna talk and it is just fine to be honest, I have everything at home to be entertained so yeah.
Second, I guess this varies from guy to guy but I had like a maturation phase in some days, I rarely think about having a girlfriend now, even disliking the idea of having one. Which is keeping my head kinda focused.
Third, I had the ” f*ck it ” moment of my life which led my to say…” f*ck it ” like I said to myself get “over it ” because here is the damn revelation of the century, I have a back up happiness plan called “me”. I have me, I need me to be happy, others can’t be always there to make me happy and waiting for them is not really my thing. So you, only you, you the one who reads this, you are the only one who can change. I feel down to but who cares right ? Others just say “yeah that sucks” but not more.
I live in one of the most stables countries ever and I would not be somewhere else right now.
So yeah I enjoy being alone, reading, dreaming, playing, etc.. all be myself and I don’t need someone for it because there is me.
So yeah hope this helped, and don’t die already, there is business to do
Going to eat some lovely sushi with an old friend of over a decade, who I also work with. Life seems like it could have some possibly good out comes. The loneliness is diminishing, I am growing closer to my friends, and I feel like my life might turn around.
Spent the past 8 years as a hermit, but every year around this time, I have to get involved with all of my old friends. Is it my last moment grasp to hang on to the world that is slowly slipping from my fingers, or am I just in that “mood”. Feel like when I end up getting social IRL my behavior gets more and more reckless as a result.
Oh how troublesome, even just getting sushi my inherently cynical ruins the fun before I even take a bite. All will be well.
Wish me luck!
Post completion after vague after thought, yay business ventures.
I’ve spent a year and a half helping my gf through her depression/anxiety/cutting/suicide thoughts, and I am supposed to start my master’s classes in March but somehow, my parents went from paying $50-60k a year to f-ing $150k!!! Like I get adding another person to the food bill makes it go up but adding my gf to food bill with my brother living off of his school loans, should not cost that fucking much. Like i’m glad i didn’t go to Hawaii or New York. I stayed and worked, but the company was nothing but sales and didn’t know consulting from their own assholes . And I went a month without using my card. So after all this time where I am causing no electricity, water,housing, etc. (I haven’t seen my dr in 5+ years) and yet my parents have 5 cars, three boathouses, the pontoon boat, jet ski, time share, dish and cable, pay AT&T too much for shit, and god knows what else they chew me out about having to change things.
Well sorry for fucking getting my gf to a point where she is halfway sane and can finish her degree. I’m a fucking business student from a private university that can’t get a call back unless it is a shit company that only does sales of office supplies (based off commission), or a foreign shipping company that won’t give me the job because I tell them I can’t start on Monday but I can tuesday because gf’s dad who tried to kill the two of us tried to pull legal shit. If I have a court appointment, what am I supposed to do? Go to court! When I show up Tuesday the temp agency hasn’t even bothered to call the company to ask if I can start.
Meanwhile brother is an M.D. with no residency so he is an E.R. scribe but he works 40 hrs a week and gets paid. I can’t get companies to give me the time of day. And my mother has the balls to ask if I understand that I have worth as my own individual being and I am not being over shadowed by my brother. Yeah the working, living on his own Doctor brother is not overshadowing the living at his gf’s apartment younger brother who can’t get a job worth anything so he provides and takes care of his gf until his classes start again who just got told I have to spend less or my dad has to come out of retirement?!!
I didn’t choose to retire early. He’s enjoyed 11 years of retirement and he works just as much now as he did before he retired. So why should I feel bad about a man who was an engineer and yet couldn’t be bothered to try moving companies so he wasn’t working for assholes? Every time I tried asking or offering to work from middle school through college I was told to just focus on school. Now that I want to focus on school I have to focus on a job. I love my gf but as if her problems weren’t enough I might as well just kill myself and let my parents adopt her in my place. At least they’d have a pharmacist and a daughter they never got to have. So why should I feel important when I spend every year before now paranoid to use any money to the point I saved more than my parents did, but the fact I want to live normally I am vilified and criticized for acting normal when they started spending left and right as if they were kings and queens?!
How can I feel loved like that? Worst x-mad ever.
No I’m not your son and I’m not a total car guru and whatever works for your bipolar episodes doesnt always work for me and you pick on me all the fucking time and I already know, ok, I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW I’M THE WORLD’S GREATEST PIECE OF SHIT FOR A DAUGHTER SO PLEASE, PLEASE JUST KEEP RUBBING IT IN. I know I forget and I am not always home and I’m SO SO SO SORRY!! I don’t know how to be the child you want, ok?I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW. And I just try to get away from you because I don’t know who you want. And I’ve tried to fit into so may molds- and I don’t know. You say you love me and you’re proud of me- so it must be true, but fuck you don’t show it very well. I’m so sorry I forgot- I’m so sorry I’m not your perfect son and I don’t always want to be filthy dirty and I don’t want the family business and I have a life outside of ours at home and I tried for so FUCKING LONG but I never seem to get it. This is why I should’ve killed myself- so I woulnd’t get un the way. I know I do, you remind me of it. My room could turn into your model airplane room and the bills would go down and you woulnd’t have to deal with your bipolar fuck up of a daughter anymore. I’m never going to be good enough, am I? And it’s all my fault- I forget and I seem like I don’t care and I didn’t mean it and I’m so sorry dad. I’m sobbing on my keyboard and I’m so sorry I am not who you wanted.
A couple of months ago I was so sure that I wanted life to end.
I’m not trying to discredit anyone who feels that way right now, your feelings are 100% valid. But for me, it got better, and in a forum of people on the verge of giving up, I’d like to share what happened to me when I didn’t give up, while its still fresh.
My husband of two years has been cheating on me since we were engaged, though I didn’t find this out until a month after the wedding. I begged, pleaded, cut, cried, drank, none of it helped. It’s as though faithfulness in my marriage and trust in my husband were these unattainable things I could never have. Faced with a life of constant doubt in him, myself, and the idea of love, life seemed unbearablely bleak. I actually convinced myself that if I killed myself that it would be better for my husband, that way he could have sex with whoever he wants and it wouldn’t be cheating.
Pretty fucked up right?
A little over a month ago, HE left ME. Weird right? But he did. He said he just can’t be married, just can’t stay faithful, ect, so he dumped me back onto my family and went back home. Now it seems like this would be the breaking point for most. No job, income, car, home, or spouse. Back with my parents like some teenager, humiliated and dependant on others again.
For me, it became a whole breath of fresh air. I have a tiny bedroom in my parents house, so all the things left of married life (dishes, appliances, ect) had to go for lack of space. I donated everything that reminded me of our life together, mailed him pictures we had framed, threw his stuff out, deletes my Facebook. The purge was so invigorating. (Well, its ongoing, but nearing the end)
In my tiny bedroom I surrounded myself with small things I love. I journal now, it helps. Life feels so full of possibilities!
I’m starting up my own housekeeping business. I’m taking Spanish next year. I’m dancing and working to get my certification to teach it. And while I haven’t started my business, schooling, or training yet, those things are in my future, waiting with open arms!
It gets better! I just had to wait. Waiting was agony, but now that I made it through the waiting, I barely remember the pain.
I have some struggles ahead in my future. I’m a closeted pansexual and sometimes I worry about what the future has in store as far as a future partner. But you know what? I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
I’m up out of my valley now, and let me tell you, the view is pretty sweet up here.
P.s, there’s much more to my story, but I won’t put it all here as this is already a pretty long read. Kik me if you’d like! @BellaLaree
I just wanted to say that if you’re someone who’s going through a really tough time right now…..don’t give up on life. Really… just don’t. Stay alive……..Also stop getting so caught up with the media. Stop staring at the screen so much. And give your ears a break with those ear buds and those big bulky headphones. There’s someone out there making a profit off your inner sadness with those things. Don’t get me wrong ….music is awesome but for those of you who use it as a crutch to get through your day need to stop doing that. Stop using that crutch and start living without it again. Show that iPod who’s boss. Don’t let those headphones ruin your everday opportunities to potential human contact. I can’t count how many times I missed out on potential conversations or even friendships because of those headphones. When you wear those things you’re basically sending out a visual message of “don’t disturb me” because you’re listening to music. Again, music is awesome but cut back on it every now and then….and the same goes for all the other things like phones, gaming, etc. too much of that is bad for you and I know it’s really none of my business overall and you guys don’t have to listen to me (obviously). But I’m starting to see this happening all around me and we’re all starting to act so careless about one another. It feels like everyone is turning into mindless machines with no human characteristics. I know this post was kinda stupid but hey…..f*** the NEW WORLD ORDER! It’s destroying us.
ok everyone needs to back up and calm down here for a second. Wndozh8er must have removed his last post because others here are accusing him of seeking attention and playing the victim. He was hurt and so was I over something personal just between us, but we working out the differences and it’s no ones business but ours. Just please don’t hate on him or change your opinions of him because he speaks what’s on his mind. He is not and never has been a drama starter or attention whore. Please stop treating him as such and posting stuff about it. He’s a huge support here for all of us, no matter how long he is here. I don’t appreciate the hate he has gotten since he posted about suicide. Everyone here has been thru shit…he’s a great guy. We all know that.
I spent ten years building a business and all my close friends fell away. I don’t think my girlfriend has any passion for me. I dont think my business partner has any passion for the business. I’m not the best at what i do and i feel like everyone is watching me fail.
The only thing that’s keeping me alive is that my parents are too. They shouldn’t have to plan a funeral. Sigh. Maybe the universe will take me naturally.
Alright, here’s the deal. I need an address from somebody who lives in the states — preferably california so I can tell the border cops I got a destination. I’m going to tell them I’m going to spend a few months time with you at your place to kick back. All pleasure no business this time. (lie). All business AND pleasure. So! Who wants to help me make it big in the city of angels? I’m going to L.A with a dream in my heart. Driving down in my shitty Cavalier with outdated stickers and an exhaust system that’s seen better days but who gives a fuck. All that matters is that I get there. I’m going to take this week to prep what I need and head on out very soon.