I have discovered that I don’t want to die, I want to live but just can’t bear the reality I’m faced with (having no redeeming qualities and having no place in this world). I didn’t understand what it actually meant to die and that scares the living shit out of me. To think how close I came to jumping from a skyscraper and being sucked into a vacuum to never feel or experience anything ever again… it’s hard to believe it’s what I wanted. It was only in coming to close to death that saved my life. But my life is still shattered and I […]
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Catch 22
Honestly, I am just tired. old, done the same job for 25 years, (Stay at home mother) Â lived in a strange city for the last 18 of them. Not one friend in this whole city. I hurt from age and loneliness. I was someone else when I got here but between him and the kids.. Who am I now? Trapped in the house by my own fears of the traffic. So fat I hurt, yet the pain keeps me from exercising.. Catch 22. I won’t die, I would love to, but how can I? How can I put my husband and kids though that? Yet […]
I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide because the medical community can’t tell me why I’m in pain or how to fix my pain. However, they won’t prescribe me medication to deal with the pain because I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide. The never ending cycle of “screw me,” continues.
i don’t have much to say, but the worst part of why i want to kill myself is that nothing bad has ever happened to me. nothing really bad. i have parents who love me. i’m engaged to be married. until recently i had a good job, but a job loss isn’t the cause of this, i’ve wanted to die since i was fifteen. whenever anything goes wrong in any capacity i think about it. i can’t stop it and i don’t want to think about it but i do. it’s selfish i guess, for attention maybe, but all the people that hurt me, i […]