i ate a fortune cookie. the fortune read,
‘if you would have managed your plans properly, it would not have caused chaos.’
ironic, right? as, it hits pretty close to home.
Well, hello everyone..
I haven’t written on a site like this before but tonight I needed to tell someone, anyone before I explode. Just as an over view I’m an 18 year old in the grey as hell country of England on the south coast somewhere..
I have always been treated for one kind of mental health issue or another. My mom had me put through Dragonflies which is a kind of bereavement councillor when I was in year six so around 10 / 11 years old, I think she was hoping I was just sad when my grandad passed. Don’t get me wrong I was but that’s when people started to notice something wasn’t right. When I was getting picked up on for not expressing my feelings I switched to the other extreme and the only emotion I had was anger, and I let it loose full force.
It peaked when I was in year 8, around 13 years old, I was in a fight Monday, isolation Tuesday (a type of punishment in my school – you sat in a chair facing the wall in silence for an entire school day with no breaks except an escorted toilet break) moody behaviour Wednesday then another fight come Thursday. They were always with guys too, considering I’m a girl it baffled my parents why it was always guys… I couldn’t tell them tbh
Anyway at this point I was put in a 1-1 anger management programme where he made me talk about what made me angry and nine times out of ten I couldn’t answer him, then one day I cracked and cried for the first time in a year. Then there was no going back, mood plummeted and it all went to shit. By this point I had argued with my mum beyond hope and moved in with my dad and step mum. I had to leave my little brother there, with our mother, who couldn’t be a parent if her life depended on it. Hes 17 now and bordering on anorexic and because social services messed up a year back I can’t do anything to help him apart from force myself round there every other weekend and try and take care of him. But now I can’t, I can’t take care of myself how am I meant to help him? I have always taken care of him. Our parents divorced when I was three, I learned to cook at 8, iron by 10 and could use the washing machine by 11. I took care of us but now I’m failing him.
I went to the doctors when my mood started to affect my college attendance, i couldnt get up in the mornings. They assessed me and concluded i was suffering with a stress induced sleeping disturbance, i was pulled out of one of my courses and managed to scrape through my second year. I had to go back for a third year bacause my grades werent good enough. Then i found i wasnt getting up, my motivation was gone and my sleeping patterns were which usually sparatic at best were now bordering on non existent with periods of insomnia and others where i wouldnt wake up for an entire day and i found that i really didnt care but my tutor in college began to get concerned and told me to go to the doctor again and see whether there was anything they could do about my sleeping disorder.
So I went to the doctors not long ago, explained the situation and she began to get thoughtful and she got me to do some tests, when I saw the questions I knew what the doctor was getting at “do you have little enjoyment” “how much would you say you think the world would be better” she was quiet when I handed it back to her, before telling my I was suffering from depression and anxiety not one or the other, not one with a little of the other. Both. She said i was petrified of failing my brother, my parents and college which was causing me stress and leading to a sleeping disorder. She said it would be hard, a never ending circle, dont sleep feel crap get stressed dont sleep and so on.. Then there is the typical love life drama. I knoe i am only 18 and i hope to god i fall in love again but heres the basics;
When I was 14 I met a guy, I’ll call him A for the purpose of this, and he seemed like a nice guy and he is, in some ways. We got together when I was 15 and had a messy relationship up until The month before my 18th birthday, ten months ago from when I wrote this. Without sounding bias i wasnt actually ever in the wrong as such, just my reations tended to get worse. He spoke to other girls inappropriately and I found out and we argued and split then got back together and he broke up with me randomly that only lasted a month then got back together and split again, as a brief overview the details of the hellish part of that relationship are my burdens to bare.. Point is I loved him more than anything and I still care about his happiness. I’m going to be honest now and I need you to not judge me before i have explained
We were at a house party and he was getting with some girl then it was time for us to all crash, it was some distance from our home so we were staying with friends. They went to bed together on the floor of the living room and started doing stuff (i found out he refused sex with the girl because he didnt have protection – told you he was ok occasionally) so the first guy that basically tried anything with me, I let him. And it went furthur than I would have let in my right mind, it was safe etc but i couldnt believe id done it. I spoke to him the next day and explained it was out of character and I don’t want that kind of reputation for myself but I feel sick constantly at the thought that I’m nothing to A. I understand he doesn’t love me anymore which is okay, things change, but the thought I’d allow myself to throw away what I believe to prove some kind of point, I’m just disappointed with myself.
Anyway now i hear he has had two close one night stands and he wont tell us, or well me, who the other one was. From how it sounds he hasnt had sex since me (something i can no longer claim, not that im exactly happy about it) but it bugs me that we havent got that close friendship anymore, he was a jerk most of the time but when he was lovely he couldnt be faulted.
Now my main issue is i cant care about anything. Its like a numbness has swept over me and i cant even get angry. Which for me is strange becausei wore my anger like body armour and used sarcasm like a sword but now i just cant be bothered to even try. So i cry and fall further. Not being funny but i have hit rock bottom twice and it feels like im sinking further than that but I don’t feel anything really. So at the moment i just paint a smile on my face for the world but hate the fact the one person that can see through that knows me better than myself (he constantly points out my little mannerisms to support when he says he knows something isnt right) doesn’t attempt to really see the chaos that is inside while acknowledging its there, a chaotic neutrality that hides the fact i feel like im dying , soffocting in a world that i really dont care about
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am just a little bit lost in a big world that i cant even attempt to make sense of, not that i can be bothered that is
I am 18 years old, I am a recovering intervenes drug addict , I was shooting up morphine and oxy cotton when I was 16 resulting in shooting up heroine at 17 , just months ago I came to Nova Scotia to become sober , in all honesty I travelled from one province to another to make some money selling my ass for some cash, it turned bad and I ended up showing on my Aunts doorstep , strung out begging not to send me back to newfoundland. where the depth of my addiction began , Eventually things began to change around here , I would fight consistently with my aunts husband , I would call him names and talk down to him just as he would do the same to me , it got physical once. After that things went down hill , we would fight more often and it would worsen each time, I found myself on sides of highways , women shelters in a strange unknown city I have never been to . I relapsed in June , while staying at a women shelter because I was kicked out.. I relapsed on morphine , very minor compared to heroine, When I relapsed I felt an unusual feeling of remorse rush through me and I wanted out before I slipped back into the dark cracks of needles. My father reported me as suicidal , resulting in a mental health act being placed one me because of my irrational thinking because of my drug induced state , and now I am having my legal human rights slowly be ripped from my grasp , im not mentally unstable , Im just going through life complications , and now recently being diagnosed with bipolar , My uncle and father are trying to make sure ill never be able to legally be on my own , ( this is just out of fear of falling back into my addiction ) but because of there overly intense concern , Im not being put in a corner I cannot bear to be in, I am having my only thing I can call mine and is my freedom , If I don’t soon figure out to show everybody that I am not as I am perceived to be I will be left with no choice but to do as I tried to do before , If I cannot escape this hell legally , I will take the cowards way out . I have attempted this before but was unsuccessful , but I will be sure not to fuck it up this time, now or never right.
What or who do you think is torturing us?Â And why?Â Is it a god that’s torturing us for some reason?Â Is it some evil powers like demons?Â Or is it justÂ “nature”?
I see a picture of horses grazing in a field and, my god, it’s so beautiful, it’s so peaceful, none of them are bleeding, or in any pain, all of them are beautiful happy and content.Â That’s how life should be.
Instead we have chaos everywhere police syrens, blood, screams, filth, crying, humiliation,Â emptiness, suicide, hopeless, traumatized….
Everything is wrong.Â I want to know why.
deep inside im sad, its true that a person who laughs the most are the saddest. Crazy isn’t it?Haha is this one way of god’s keeping the balance in us humans so that we can survive our every day life of chaos and sadness? he’ll make us laugh at small things even if its not that funny.. i hate it when i laughed at small things, it makes me feel like im stupid but i can’t help it thats how my mind and body reacts to help me survive and live through the day 🙁 Crazy world!
I’ve recently started truly considering ending things.
I met the woman of my dreams and fell head over heels in love with her. She was beautiful and amazing and felt like the woman I felt I deserved. So like an idiot I rushed foolishly into marriage with her. And immediately after getting married she changed into a totally different person. She started having conversations on her phone with guys talking about how they wanted to hook up with her and she would go along with it. So we ended up arguing and fighting about it but she took it way beyond just a fight. So she left the motel room we were renting and took less than a day to go 2 rooms down and fuck the nasty guy living there. And when I say nasty, I’m talking ugly, heroin addicted, std carrying nasty dude. Then she goes off and starts snorting drugs and I find out she is screwing dudes for money all within three days of the fight. But I end up begging her to come back, so she does for half a day. Because she decides to tell me that she is going on a date with some guy she says wants to sleep with her. I go along in an effort to not lose her. Later that night I find out she is over 100 miles away in a hotel with said guy. So she turns up the next day and chaos ensues, she tries beating on me and the cops get involved. She goes back to drugs and hooking and staying with drug boy that she fucked. Well he gets her to pawn her expensive stuff to buy him heroin and he kicks her out. Well with nowhere to go she comes to me asking to stay, next day I catch her in a lie about her going to meet some dude, but I overlook it. She claims she needs to go for a walk and I catch her making out with drug boy red handed. We fight and she disappears again but comes back swearing to really try to fix things. So we try for less than a week and it’s just pointless. She felt she needed space but with all of her lying and cheating I couldn’t trust her at all. So she goes and cheats again. And once again we fight but this time she drags me to the courthouse and we file for divorce.
So now we’re all caught up, I tried to keep it short.
This isn’t my first failure at love. In fact I’ve done nothing but fail. And I’m in a bad position in life in general. I was laid off for a while and lost everything, to either debt or robbery. SoAnd I’m living in a motel broke. I’ve been hurt so much in life, I’ve been beaten raped and abused since childhood. I’ve had enough pain. But this is new and it hurts more than any pain I’ve ever suffered.
I want her back so bad, I can’t get her out of my head but she doesn’t want me. If I can’t have her I don’t want anyone else I’d honestly rather die.
Just minutes before the world went black, a massive solar flare erupted.
Scientists only had seconds to realize what it was. But it was to late to even warn anyone.
There was a universal black out.
The whole world went dark.
Before the black out people were oblivious to the world around them. They let technology rule there lives, and in seconds,
Chaos ensued like never before, people were terrified. No one knew how to live without technology, fearing they worst.
Governments fell, stores were robbed blind, people murdered for no reason at all.
Gangs rose out of the ashes,
mafias seized power.
And when things seemed like they couldnâ€™t get worse.
The militaries stepped in and took control of everything, slaughtering anyone who got in there way . The united states and most inhabited countries were broke down into districts, a specific military unite ran each district.
Marshal law was instated, and the world seemed to go on as it was before.
Except there was no power.
And no one knew why.
Fear was not enough to keep order, People rioted and rebelled, demanded answers, but no one had the answers.
Civil wars happened around the globe, and just when they were about to kill each other off, something that everyone had put out of there minds happened,
The Nuclear reactors fell out,
Hundreds of thousands died.
Religion long forgotten came to the fore front. The catholic church stepped in and offered one simple answer that has changed man kind forever.
What was once frowned upon and scorned for being religious banter, suddenly became very believable, because the Vatican had proof.
The pope had a troop of captured supernaturalâ€™s spread through the districts.
A condition that was easy to hide in the cities when they had power, due the ability to work nights and live a night life. Was impossible to hide in a post black out world.
The pope went on to say that the end of the world was upon them. And the black out was a punishment designed by God. For humanity has fallen far from grace, and the harboring of demons was a capital offense.
The pope suggested that the people had to cleanse themselves of the darkness, in an effort to achieve redemption.
In a matter of hours people had committed hundreds of murders. Just on the allegations that some one was of demon decent. Many innocent people died in that first day. And over time the compulsion to kill everything that moved had subsided. But the pope had achieved the two goals he wanted. His insertion into power, and the deaths of manyÂ demon born.
It was believed that they had been rendered extinct.
I decided that it’s no longer about living because I have to. I’m going to live because I need to. My mom is currently in intensive care I came home and found her blue from lack of oxygen. She can’t breathe on her own. My mom is everything to me. She came back when I was 12 and saved me and my brothers lifes. I won’t give up until I know she’s fine. I blame a lot of this on myself the lack of oxygen is from to many medications because she was in pain because she was stressed about me. My mom has a huge heart she would give anything to make her children happy. She does not deserve to suffer, she’s the closest thing to god I know. My dad and my brother are so stressed and sad. Everyone seems to blame themselves.
I finally get it if I died it would not just define me but it would ruin my family because we are all that we have. No matter how much we have gone through or all the pain my father and my brother causes on me. They are the only people in the world who care and I would never want to hurt them.
I may be sad but I will work through this even if chaos is tiring I will keep going forward. I’m so sad but alive.
Hi, I just registered here half an hour ago maybe more, I forgot!
Anyways, here is the scenario of my life –>I am confused about myself and my sexuality.
Though I know I’veÂ fancied guys and a few girls too.Â There’s always that feeling that I want to be in a relationship (in my case its more likely with a guy), that I want to love and be loved. The hard part is that I cannot express how I feel with a guy without him hating me for what I am or what I think of myself.
There’s this other thing where I bottle things up which conflicts with my entire life. A few weeks back, I felt depressed because of all the thoughts and even with friends they seem transparent to me – like they cannot understand or see the real me. I always thought maybe because I am too neutral with them that theyÂ don’tÂ bother with me most of the time.
Right now, this chaos has beenÂ affectingÂ with my college work and life. I cannot concentrate with my projects and I have an exam this coming week. I cant help but think of negative things like death, or just die there and rot in silence.
If I were to be honest for a change and told you what was inside me. All the demons I fight every day. How much regret I have for everything I have done. If I told you that I want to kill myself. Would you understand? Probably not. Everyone looks at me like Iâ€™m insane. All the scars on my arms and legs it reminds me that my past is real. Every day I look in the mirror and hate what I see not just the outside the inside too I feel so ugly. Iâ€™m full of anger and sadness. Iâ€™m deprived from happiness. I would tell you my story but it is way too long. If you just knew the pain that I go through everyday would that make you guys think for once and change. I donâ€™t know why I would tell you to do that. Well I guess I do maybe someone would not have to go through what I had to go through. You think tragedy is a choice your wrong. I grew up wrong and I mean whoÂ didn’tÂ There is not a single family that is perfect. Later on in life after everything seems to settle down your life is not in chaos anymore but yet youâ€™re still in pain. I will feel this way until I can learn how to deal with all the pain I feel and loneliness that feels so overwhelming that you would rather die. Until then I will not be living I will be trying to survive. I know for once the truth of how cold this world and the people in it can be. I hope you see that maybe there is hope for you because I donâ€™t see hope for me. I would never want anyone to feel the way I do. When you know that you are truly alone in all this and there is nothing you can do about it, you will come to realize to just cope until you canâ€™t go on anymore. My past was a mess I did everything possible to try and feel okay. That only left me with regret and sadness. I know I must be boring you but I just want to say that if other people have suffered and learned to cope and have a happy life you can to. Please donâ€™t give up that easy because you are special to someone and someone would suffer a great deal of pain without you in the world. Thanks for your time.
A week of coincidences. Those unhappy bitches just never let up. Every time I take a step aside, there they emerge, out of nowhere. Every time I do particular things, either intentionally or unintentionally, no matter what the outcome is. Much like someone trying to tell me: Â Stick to the same route, or you know you’ll regret it. It STILL has me wondering, whoÂ is behind the wheel of my life? I only know it ain’t me.
I’ve been sleeping badly this past week. I don’t even know if I’ve been sleeping at all. It could be that drinking 10 cups of coffee in a day until the point of disgust is taking its toll. Because other than tossing & turning it feels more like hovering somewhere on the verge of sleep and wakefulness.
Did I already mention I have nightmares? I think I did. The weirdest and most disturbing of them I call the harkies. Sometimes these nightly tortures make me think my dreams don’t always belong to me. Like I’m being forced into them. Damn, now I’ve come to believe they might have something to do with the supernatural. Because even my sick distorted mind is just not capable of creating and maintaining such unworldly pictures that way too often have nothing to do with my real life. Â And I find myself so easily frightened by things that go bump in the night… (LOL’s)
I just can’t find a better explanation for what is going on with me. All this bad luck, unhappy coincidences, thinking that I’ve been cursed since the moment I was born… I know it’d be ridiculous to blame everything bad that happens to me on some sort of paranormal intervention, but I can’t rule out the possibility of some unknown force Â continuously destroying me. Or it could be that in all this chaosÂ I simply lost any ability to reasonably assess things and have gone absolutely crazy. That’s all there is to it.
So, I went for a hike today after work and found this spot, its so beautiful. I think that had I had the freedom I would have jumped. But there is still some busness for me to finsih before I am able. There is some family debt I want to clear, some things I need to make sure are to the proper owners and I need to file my tax’s so that my family can have the funds. 🙂 But all in all my plan is going great so much.
Then the pain is over.
How could it be
This land of make believe
Slowly it falls apart
brings us to our knees
a head starts to swirl
the pit of a stomach drops
the heart breaks as it beats
almost through the wound
The world smudges
ripping slowly at the seems
all this chaos
But in reality
in the grand scheme of things
That truly all this pain
Is actually the dream
My edges are stained red
While my very being is hollow
My dead eyes stare at sheets of chaos
And I wonder if I will see tomorrow
I enjoy the darkness
The quiet, the peace
Pain is the only thing
Of which I can truly control the release
I wonder, I ponder
Is my outlook obscure?
If it is so,
How can I be cured?
Do they see the marks
Left by harsh hands?
Do they see the tears
That never descend?
Do they see the bruises
From all the past drums,
The beats they inscribed
As my body fell numb?
I wonder, I ponder
Is my outlook obscure?
If it is so,
Do I want to be cured?
My edges are stained red
While my very being is hollow
My dead eyes stare at sheets of chaos
And I wonder,
Do I deserve to see tomorrow?
bombs arc through the air
and burst on the ground
on roofs, on the houses
on the people hell-bound.
The city is burning
and peace that they’re yearning
dissipate into the night
and wither from sight
the mothers are singing
rocking their children to rest
as the chaos erupts
and sins are soon blessed
The gods turn to demons
and dance to the tune
of the death and the dying
and the promised, sweet doom.
A mother buries her child
among the debris
a candle burns softly
as it’s set off to sea
she cries to the silence
to the cold metal giants
falls to her knees
and then whispers “please”
Their pleads are the melody
their suffering the song
to those who listen
and ignore all the wrong.
They swallow their grief
and and hope it is brief
they pray with frail breath
for a quick, humble death.
For who would still want
to live in a place
where money and power
outweigh living fates?
I am a 14 year old girl in the verge of giving up her whole life away. I don’t seem to sound like Amanda Todd or any other teenage obsessed love seeking little *****. But there’s nothing left in my life I can hold on to. Everything around me feels so bland. I don’t tend to have reasons for what I do. There is not purpose left for me. I am tired, and lonely.
I am a child abuse case, ever since I was 9 year old my parents started abusing me. Beating me up to shreds, channel their frustration in me. I lost my best friend due to some pathetic reasons. I have nobody left in my life. I have everything I need. Food, shelter, clothing. But not love from my parents. My dad is a crazy bastard who keeps beating up my mom after coming home for no reason at all. He locks the room and starts beating the crap out of her. When he passes out, my mom starts beating me up. She blames me for all the chaos in our family. Somehow I end up being the reason my parents fight all the time. I tried to be nice to them, but it never works out that way.
My classmates think I am a freak because I try too hard to fit in. They think I am a two faced ***** because I always try to be on both sides of the conversation. My best friend, the only other person I thought I could trust thinks I amÂ a fucking mess, and staying with me will only get her reputation down the drain. I am so tired. I know it all sounds very whiny but somehow I just can’t get the right words to this post. My head is all fuzzy. Everything around me feels too numb right now. Not looking for pity calls, but is there someone out there? just like me? waiting for a miracle to happen?
Would it be wrong, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight,
Chances are that I MIGHT.
Mutilation out of sight,
and I’m contemplating suicide.
I never realized I was spread too thin,
‘Til it was too late and I was empty within.
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin?
((It all started when I lost my mother,))
No love for myself and no love for another.
Searching to find a love upon a higher level,
Finding nothing but questions and devils.
I can’t go on living this way, nothing’s alright.
I last posted about a year ago. I was confused, my life sucked, I hated my job, and who I was, but I still had an awesome girl who loved me, and kept me going. I managed to pick myself up, got a new job which I actually enjoyed and was good at. I had plans to be happier, she helped me through it. In keeping her happy, in living for her, I was happy. Now however, that has all changed.
A couple of months ago, she left me for someone else, weeks after I had blown my entire paycheck on her birthday. My life spiraled into chaos. I had no idea what to do. I kept messing up at work, and am now pretty sure I’m about to be fired next week. This is killing me. I hate myself for messing up at work, I hate myself for losing her, for losing our dreams of the future, of losing her family. I just want to stop struggling. I want to stop waking up every morning and forcing myself to exist. I just want it all to end.
I know that everything that has happened to me is my own fault. I brought it all upon myself, and that’s why I feel as though my only option is suicide. A life without all my dreams, all our dreams, just doesn’t seem worth it.
Why bother, I do nothing correct. Everything I ever care about destroys my insides. Try as I might, but I cannot conquer. My life is an infinite loop of chaos and disease, and I am the problem. There may be many solutions, but only one outcome I can foresee. To those who care, I am sorry. The time may be near, since the path of self-destruction is imminent. My heart pounds with self-hatred, and the loathing of my existence. Decisions will be made, actions will be taken. And none of this will ever be shared with you. For you, I truly love and never want to hurt. You, captured my heart, the moment our eyes met.
a permanent solution
you should ask.
i could answer
make everyone laugh.
it’d be great if
i could make you think.
make you realize that
and people feel it.
and people do it.
and rational consideration-
‘how will this affect others?’
-doesn’t come into play.
because pain is
pain can make us do
if we’re not
like acting on it.
it’s an intense need to
coupled with a limited understanding
of what death is
of what death can do
how it can
and not solve anything at all.
it’s when you feel
to change things
people will be hurt
because you did it
it doesn’t matter then
it doesn’t register
staying alive to keep them reassured-
maintaining, so they won’t have to suffer
while you do…
it’s not enough
to keep you alive.
maybe if you do it
maybe they will realize
you weren’t kidding
when you said you needed help
or when you didn’t
but they could tell
something was wrong
they would take you
it’s the wrong choice
because life isn’t meant to be thrown away
but it doesn’t register
makes us do stupid things.
some of us aren’t strong
some of us need to
because it’s getting unbearable
death is silence
after all this chaos
death feels welcomed.
death seems the only way out.
out of this life
because there is no one
to turn to.
and you want
just like emotion is irrational.
just like being hurt is.
it’s not logical.
we don’t know death.
don’t know what it’s like.
we know life and how much it
sometimes more than
we can bear.
sometimes, we hold on.
hold on to the wrong things
to keep you
the pain means you’re alive.
you don’t want the pain.
you don’t want life.
you let go.
it lets go of you.
when that happens
death seems like the better side
the greener grass
on the other side.
you can’t go back
erase all hope
any chance of
making it through
bleak, grim and narrow
you cut it all out.
you could have
made it through
could have been happier
if you had the ability
the killing of oneself.
(a mistake born from
to deal with pain.
from not being
(A.N. credit to lucy4 from The Suicide Project for the ‘permanent solution/temporary problem’ concept. i would link to the original post if i could find it; right now i can’t be bothered. ‘sui caedre’ is latin for ‘self’ and ‘kill’, from which the word suicide was derived)