Most of the time, I don’t need people. They’re irrelevant. I can manage ok without them, better in fact as I find people tiring. I have to smile and laugh and pretend everything is fine. It’s so much easier by myself. I can relax and be myself – even if that means crying in a corner. At least I have that freedom when I’m alone. But every so often I find myself reaching out. Trying to find someone to listen to me, to accept me – to like me. I want acceptance and to be admired. I want people to be surprised by my intellect […]
Tag:
Charisma
I am constantly changing, going to and throw to and throw from a bad place and maybe an
overly good good, does that sound like bipolar to you? I am sick of having nobody understand me and not being a part of something, my friends dont really know me, well one of them kinda does but mostly ive just been trapped inside with my personality unable to show, Its Like ive been a big balloon full of something expanding and expanding about to explode. Ive talked about good and fighting for the good but I do fall down and this is one of those moments! […]
The physical pain and the disease remain. Those cannot be cured. But the mental pain, the betrayals, the tragedies, the taking of my innocence as a child which warped me for most of my life. No counseling could make me expose that…. that horror….in my time boys were raised to be the strong silent type….. and even if the occurrence was not your fault you could not tell.
Because you did not want anyone to think you were not a man. So you overcompensate by trying to excel at everything. Grades, martial arts, sports, charisma, poetry, art, women, loyalty, generosity, being the alpha male amongst your […]
I do not pretend I am not in pain when I walk through the halls of the university. Then again people do believe I am full of life, energy and charisma but what they do not know is the reason I come every day with long sleeves to the university. I am done with the concept of living for I know death is already part of my consciousness. I will not go to my Judo classes with long sleeves anymore and suffocate. I will not enter a classroom and pretend the murmur of the people talking to one another does not cause me paranoia.
Should I […]
Was going to post this last night but got drunk and distracted…
My parents got divorced when I was 7. Both are fantasy-prone, overweight, and hoarders. I was bullied when I was in school. A lot. That’s hard for me to admit because I feel like I’m supposed to be strong. I never wanted my family or friends to know… the few I had. I thought they’d reject me too. I’ve alienated most of my friends now, even the ones that were always nice to me. Maybe I never wanted them to find out what I really am. I’m weak. I’m a loser. I’m dumb and […]