My husband and i were together 3 years before we decided to have a baby. He started cheating on me when I was 5 months pregnant. He left the week of Thanksgiving. Our baby was born early march. Ive tried so hard for my baby boy to make things work with his daddy. I feel like ive failed my son. I had made plans. Wrote a letter to my son. Set a date. Our anniversary…vicodin and alcohol. Then i realized im all my baby has. He doesn’t have his daddy he needs his mommy…but now were talking divorce…hes decided he wants to be in his life. I dont want to share. I didn’t do anything and i didn’t want this. I cant stop thinking about him someday having a step mommy. Hes too young to understand right now. Im not strong enough to deal with this. I cant compete with another woman for my son’s love. We could come to an agreement and we wouldn’t have to go through court and it would save alot of money. I feel horrible about it but ive got to fight to keep him away from my son. If i lose im done. Im going through with the plan while hes still too young to understand. Hes all ive got..
This is a question that I am posting in hope of an answer, most of my other posts are simply because I need to get it off my chest, but this is a life situations I really need help on.
Maybe this isn’t the place to do it, but, well it links in.
I am a rape victim, I was caught up in an verbally, physically and sexually abusive relationship in my teens.
I have been with my partner for 2 years now, we have discussed engagement and everything is okay. That is exactly why I feel so trapped, it’s just so – ‘okay’. I mean we have these amazing romantic nights in, and go out on midnight strolls like it’s still the first few months, and everything we do is straight out of a romance. But, it’s the fact it’s with him. I don’t know how or why I feel like this, he is lovely to me, he is nice, generous, caring and devoted. He is physically attractive and active in the bedroom. I feel like I am not good enough to have him, and ontop of his the fact I don’t return his deep affections makes me feel so ashamed. I am aware other women would die for this ‘flawless’ man. But I can’t bring myself to feel the same way.
To the point where I have an intense interest in another man which has been going on for 6 months.
I know what is morally right. Pick a side, cut off romance with one or the other and stay completely loyal, but it’s just so hard. My current relationship is stable but makes me depressed. However this new ‘exciting’ option could fall down around me and leave me with nothing and I am completely lost on to what to do.
I do not want to hurt anyone, I do not want to hurt myself, I do not want to be lost back into the sadness I feel so many years ago when I found myself alone again.
What can I do.
I got married about 22 years ago. Since day one I looked after my wife with love and affection. I am 5’11” and she is just under 5′. I have suffered all thru’ my life due to uncaring siblings and parents. Thus when i got married I took liking to this girl that played a perfect game to get me married to her. Once after marriage, her games began almost as soon as the marriage was over. She back stabbed me all the time, with her brother … mis-informing him and showing her self off as an angel. We meet relatives, she could not control herself. She never had any close friends and neither does she now. She is not interested in anything …. no hobbies, no interests, no likings, no hopes … nothing. She is more like any animal that eats, sleeps and shits.
Initially I thought this would change as she came from a tough family and having seen bad things, she will soon realize her mistake and my honesty towards her, my love, my aspiration for a happy family … no that did not change. I am from old school … did not believe in divorce. Thought having children might change her. No, not really.
I am originally from India. After coming to America I thought educating her might change her attitude towards me. For more than 12 years I supported her and encouraged her to become a Neuro-Muscular Specialist. All my sacrifices again have gone in vain. Now my kids are 18 and 14, boy and girl … I love them as long as I have my last breath and will love them from beyond too.
Now that she has become independent and as before travel and work hard for living, she has poisoned my kids against me. I had no clue this was happening as she would play perfect game .. when I am back she would behave sweet. I thought at last she has changed. Little did I know her devious and thankless mind.
It was April 26th 2013 when my son came back from school things started happening. He would not keep his hair straight and I was upset that he does not listen, I just gave a small tap on back of his head (Litterally a tap) and said that he needs to pay attention to himself. All it took was that. Time was around 5:00 PM, he went up and did not say a word. By 6:30PM my wife came back from work and started shouting at me, saying why did I hit him. I was upset and angry and I told he is my son too and I can discipline if I see fit. She would not listen to reason and started hitting me. When I reacted, she shouted at the top of her voice and instructed my son to call police. I thought this was just a rant.
But my son did call the police unknowing to us, that we continued to have a verbal spar. Police came to the front door and by then, she was in master and me in family room on the other side of our home. To my surprize, as she came out to see who was at door, she was bleeding from the fore head !!.Â Police immediately arrested me for assault and took me in. In the meantime, my son and daughter also apparently spoke to police and complained reg. ill-treatment !!. So now I had 3 cases of abuse and neglect heaped against me.
Later after spending overnight in jail, I had to see a judge … I was instructed to post a $7500 bail. Everyone inside had told me that this being my first ever offense, I will probably need to pay max like $1500 bail and will be out soon. But to my amazement judge did not even give me a chance to speak to him for appealing the decision. Later my attorney threatened me of die consequences as my wife and children had really piled on bunch of complaints. He said I could be hanged for the issues !!!. I felt really bad as though my heart had been shattered into a 1000 pieces. I remember that I felt so sick and dizzy, I fell down … could not stay standing.
Now my miseries are multiplying day by day. Every time I hear from court it is more money and money, I hear from my attorney …Â money and money. I am not a doctor, I am a mechanical engineer and do not make so much money as my wife does. But they think we are rich and can pay. I have no intention ofÂ taking a dime from her. But court and attorneys do not care.
Cases are still going on and gets bigger every day from lies and lies and lies. I am out on bail, with a restraint order which means I cannot even see my kids, hug them nor give them hope that everything will be alright.
I feel desperate every day and am growing more and more anxious. I have head aches, developed high blood pressure and had a heart attack. Still there has been no justice for me. She still harbors hatred for me !!!! What I cannot understand is that only crime of mine was getting married hoping for a happy married life and a loving family where all can thrive. Have an ideal family to prove to the world that all the negativity aside one that is committed to succeed can do so. But it is never to be for me.
Now costs are increasing. I escaped in the nick of time to another country. But being away from my kids drives me crazy. But I cannot go back as I will get arrested. Once I go back with all these cases against me, I cannot even get a job. Unemployed men are really looked down upon by the courts and judges. I am screwed and my life is destroyed.
Several times I have tried to commit suicide. I have a rope with hangman knot that I have kept since 6 months. I did tie it on to the fan in my apartment and came close to being done. But my children’s face kept creeping up on me and I could not go through with it. Since then I have tried many times to end my life … but I am such a weak, hopeless chicken that I have not been able to pull it off. I cannot believe myself for this inability. I curse myself everyday, live like a hermit … My selfish family … does not even care even when i am staying in the same city. While that is not a surprize, it is hurtful.
Now I know … it is only a question of time when I will be out of this misery.Â That time is drawing near day by day. I have shot off one last email to my attorney. If court keeps charging me more and more, they have done it for the last time. All they will get is my dead body. Hope this last reply from my lawyer will be positive one for it will end up playing most crucial role … Survival itself.
i hate how i cant hate you , i hate how i cant hate you for cheating on me , i hate how i cant hate you for telling me twice that you don’t love me in that way anymore , i hate how i still want you so bad , i hate how you cant feel what i am feeling , Â i hate that you couldn’t feel the pain i was feeling , Â that after a year and a half , Â you just cant love me like that anymore , how one day was so perfect , and then the next , it was a disaster Â , i wish you could feel the way i feel ,andÂ after everything that’s you’ve done to me , and after everything that’s happened , i still want you more then anything in this world , .. but I’m nothing to you now , … after a year and half , .. i’m nothing , it sucks knowing that someone who you thought loved you so much ,and someone who made you feel the way you did , could just not love you anymore Â i cant help but feel maybe if i was better looking ,you could love me again , i hate knowing that you’re goingÂ to date the girl you cheated on me with , … i cant help but be filled up with so much hate , i wanna feel something other then this hate , but i cant , and i don’t wanna be here anymore , Â the first time i tried i failed and i was so sad and mad when i woke Â up inÂ Â the hospital the next day , Â i wish you could feel the pain Ive been feeling , i wish you would feel the same way as i do towards you , you’re my everything , and i’m your nothing , Â you were there for me when i told you that i was sexual abused twice , Â you were there for me , when i tried to end it the first time , you were there threw everything , Â i told you everything , and i feel so broken , and i don’t wanna feel like this anymore , i wanna feel something other then this hatred Â i just wish you wanted me as bad as i wanted you ,
Sometimes I wish my cancer back. Then I would have something to fight. But more than the fight, I could cheat killing myself and then my family would hate cancer instead of me. Ah the lovely thoughts of a depressed person.
Here I am sitting in front of a computer screen, having tears run down my cheeks. I just need to let this all out. I was born abroad and faced tons of bullying when I came to where I am now. Started in 2nd grade and it never ended in elementary or middle school. I never made much friends until Middle School. I was in a clique, were weren’t close; it was simply to gain an advantage over each other for selfish purposes like getting good grades. I saw everyone in a race, in a race of being the best in academics. I was smart, until I skipped a fewÂ prerequisiteÂ courses. I suddenly felt dumb and the insecurities never left me. But I managed to pass Middle School as a straight A student. Towards the end of the year, pressure started building up and I and a couple of other friends cheated on a State Test. Our scores were disqualified and from there, my world started crumbling. I was suspended from Middle School (one for cheating, and suspended a second time for lending my essay to a friend because he said he would edit it. Instead he copied it). My world, my reputation, my grades, my impression all went downhill. Teachers started making comments about me when I was not on school grounds. Rumors spread. Everyone knew. After my second suspension, I never set a foot on the last week of school. From there I became depressed. I went extremely bipolar, and I never had a purpose to live for. I felt like everything had been taken from me, all theÂ hardworkÂ I put in my assignments, had vanished and nothing mattered because of one damn mistake. High School began, and I never tried as hard as I used to, still ended up with most As but barely passing my first AP exam. I am aÂ sophomoreÂ right now, and my worlds crumbling more than ever. My transcript is stained D-s Â Cs and Bs. I havent been able toÂ receiveÂ a good A in a challenging class. Last term I tried extremely hard and still ended up with the grades I did. IÂ don’tÂ know what I did wrong. I’ve been studying as hard as I did for that one term, and I still failed terribly. TheÂ agonizingÂ pressure has been haunting me for 2 years. My friends don’t really care; Grades are the only things that matter to them. No one asks me How am I. I would break down crying while I try to stay calm and strong on the outside. Everyone has discarded me to be dumb. I already aren’t pretty and the brain was the only thing I had to hold onto. Now that I can’t even manage to get straight A’s, I feel like my lifes headed to where I’ve never dreamed before. I just want to give up. I can’t be arsed trying and hardworking anymore.
For the past week, I’ve haven’t been able to sleep, or get a rest. My weights dropping. My period hasnt arrived and its the end of the month. I wanna drop out. I can no longer be in a school where I feel dumb to go to everyday. I tried hard and thats all I can do. I gave it my best shot and got nothing in return. I tell my mum and dad I dont want to even go to school every morning when I wake up. I’ve been falling into patterns of fights andÂ argumentsÂ with them. I just wanna give up because nothing I worked for and dreamed about is being fulfilled even with the literal hours of work I do. Most of all, I have more tests and examinations as well as AP exams comming up. I dont know how I ll make it through. I have 4 more weeks and I havent even bought my books yet because I’ve been so focused on trying to get my grades up. I dont know what to do. I cant seem to pick myself back up :'(
Sigh..and most of all I can’t stop crying. This all may sound silly to you, but honestly, I had big dreams when I was a little girl. I lost them all. Now my simple dream is to make it through. 🙁
I thought my life was perfect. Not perfect. “perfect” but perfect enough for me. My parents are annulled but it didn’t matter because I knew they both loved me. During high school I was in a great amazing place, on the honour roll, just got accepted into my first choice college and all the colleges I applied to in fact. My biggest problem then was a huge maybe relationship with my boy best friend.
That ended quickly.
And along with it high school. I was going away now to University. It was both scary and refreshing. I have had more things happen to me in the last 9 months than my whole life. First my best friend since 1st grade and I fought. Then we forgave each other but recently, she called and told me that she has outgrown me after all. This hurt me again, but not as much as the first time we fought. We’ve never really fought before, so I guess this marks the end of an era. I thought I was falling for a boy only to have my heart broken before anything actually ever happened. One of the girls from my new found group of friends snagged said boy within a week. But all of that boy business was actually light, and it didn’t really matter to me.
Now along with my best friend who has outgrown me, I have a professor who hates me and is determined to get me to drop or fail her class. It’s gotten so big my parents are involved. She has accused me of cheating, along with half my class when we in fact haven’t. She has called me names. And it’s all just been intense.
Writing this now seems stupid to me. I think maybe my problems are stupid too and no one will care. But it’s all just happening altogether. Then now I find out my other best friend is also hurt. Because I took her for granted. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I thought I was smart, but I’m not faring well at school. Or perhaps pre-med is just really intense. This program I got into. Where you’ll finish medicine in 6 years. Be a doctor in 6 years. Wow. That’s such a dream. I’ll be a doctor by 22! Yey. It just seems so unlikely to me now.
I thought I was a good friend, kind even. But everyone is suddenly leaving me. Telling me they’ve outgrown me, I’ve taken them for granted and such. I’m just so confused. I sacrificed so much for them. My friends. And I’m still willing to do the same all over again.
I thought I was beautiful, a former ballerina, I used to perform on big stages. Dance like there’s not a care in the world. But I’m alone. I looked at myself. Traces of who I used to be lie here. I’m no longer the graceful ballerina that I was. Now I’m fat and alone.
And now. as I lie here.
In contemplation of my life. I was the girl who was always smiling. I was the girl who was fun to be around. I was. I was THE girl. Now who am I? I don’t even know. What am I?
Where did it all go wrong? How? Why?
I think of all my what ifs. What if I let my best friend love me and loved him back? What if I just kept to myself? What if I never stopped ballet? What if I… What if I just rewrote my life? What if I just forgot everything?? What if I just went away?
I feel so haunted.
I want to hurt myself.
Because maybe when I feel another kind of hurt. This type I carry with me in my chest will lessen. Even just a little.
I don’t understand why I’m here anymore. No one wants me around, so what’s the point?
It all started when I was 2 years old. My dad was an alcoholic. He used to put his hands on me and beat me for crying, talking or playing loudly. This continued for years. When I was 13, my dad let his friend pay him to rape me, and he did. A few weeks later, another friend did tried to do the same, onlyÂ I got him to stop.
I began to cut myself. My father’s drinking problem got worse. My dad began cheating on my mother with her sister that lived with us. They now have 2 kids together. My father would put his hands on those kids and my little brother, and I would step in between and take the hits. It began getting so bad, my mom would call the police. They did nothing about it. My mother didn’t always know what was going on, she worked 12 hour shifts everyday.Â The verbal and physical abuse kept getting worse. There would be times I would lay there unconsious for hours and no one would do a thing. I began lieing to all of my friends about my bruises and cuts.
My aunt Debbie was someone who was always there to take the pain away. The only person I felt would protect me from my father. She died of lung cancer in 2008. I felt so alone.
When I turned 16, on my birthday, my dad did the same. Bashed my head into the wall and kicked me everywhere he could while I was ont the ground. I moved out and stayed with my aunt for a while. I finally told my mom about the rape. My father lied to my mother and told her I let them touch me for drugs. I never touched a drug in my life. My mother began to watch how my dad treated us. My dad’s attention began more focused on my mother and his problems. My mother knew he was cheating on her. Me and my aunt would get into many physical fights over my mother. She was the only person every there for me, of course I was going to protect her. I moved back into my house to do so.
Things started dieing down and I thought things were going to get better. I even met a guy who treated me like a princess. I ended up getting pregnant. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant when I let my other friend drive my car, he went 110 down a curvy road and we wrecked. I lost my baby. I spent a week and a half in the hospital having a d&c procedure. Also, to take care of the internal bleeding in my kidney. No one came to see me except my mother. I layed there alone.
I had a close friend named zach. I thought everything was fine with him until one night, I got a phone call saying he had commited suicide. I wished it was me instead of him. I began cutting again. A few weeks later, my friend Chloe stabbed herself right infront of me while I was at her house. She had been raped and her boyfriend left her. She didn’t want to live anymore.
Me and my boyfriend stayed together, but we started arguing alot. He began to put his hands on me, constantly throw things at me, in my own house where I let him stay. I ended up going back to school after a month. I saw multipul facebook posts and comments from girls talking about how it’s a miracle I lost my baby, that I would have been a horrible mother anyway. I ended up getting expelled from school. I was a honor roll student preparing to go to Ohio State University.
My life began falling apart. I had no friends, no family. I never felt so alone. I finally left my boyfriend.
I got a new job to try and change my life around. It didn’t help that I already felt so depressed, so worthless. I tried to overdose on sleeping pills atleast 6 times. I tried hanging myself. So many things, but none of them worked. So I turned hard into pills and smoking marijuana. It became an everyday thing. I worked just to spend my money on drugs.Â I became someone I never wanted to be, a complete total heartless *****.
One of my friends ended up getting me put on probation for trying to fight her after she stabbed me in the back. Probation has ruined my life even more. My father finally moved out, but tension with my mother and aunt still increased. I fought my aunt 3 more times and caught a few assult charges ontop of my harrassment charges. Then I began sticking to my drugs as a way away from reality. I would let my friends push me around, just so I was never alone. I tried hard drugs I never though before about trying. I gave up everything I had left, just to go out and party with everyone and get high.
My mother kicked my father out, but things were still going downhill for us. She tried suicide, I cried myself to sleep everyday wishing I could take her pain away. I can’t lose my mother, she’s all I have left.
I ended up getting pulled over and caught with marijuana and pipes and getting arrested and charged. I went to jail for a little while. I got out less than a month ago, and I’ve been sober ever since. I promised my mom I wouldn’t do anymore drugs because she didn’t wanna see me on the path I was on anymore. But giving up drugs when you’ve been dependent on them for years, is extremely hard. No one understands me it feels like. Everyone around me leaves. I tried to focus more on myself, but it doesn’t work.
My “family” isn’t supportive except for my mother, who’s not around much because she’s always in her room crying to herself everynight praying to god she won’t wake up the next day. I still have to watch my aunt play the innocent secret wife with my dad. She’s at his house everyday. Coming between my father and brother, just like she did to me.
I’ve never felt so alone in my life.Â I tried to forgive myÂ father, but he told me I was dead to him. ThatÂ he never wanted me in the first place. I was a mistake to him.Â More and more of my friends began leaving me, last nightÂ I took alot of sleeping pills, and nothing happened. I never felt so worthless in my life.
Today, my own Uncle beat the shit out of me. I have marks all over my face. And for what? I wish I knew. I guess no one in this family wants me. Everyone just sat there and watched him to it, when I screamed and begged for help.
I never mentioned the small things in my life that just pile ontop of these. I never tell many people about what happened to me. One personÂ I thought I could trust, turned on me. I feel likeÂ I have no one. I don’t want to go to counceling because why would I need to tell anyone all of these things so they can tell me everything’s going to be okay, when I know they won’t. I don’t know why I’m here anymore, and I don’t want to be. I wish someone understood.
More than anything, I wish I knew what it was like to feel wanted. I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I want a normal life. I wanna smile, and not know I’m breaking on the inside. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate not being able to trust anyone and have a real relationship with someone. I’m scared of this life. I’m scared of losing everything again. I’m scared of whatÂ I might do. I hate myself.Â I want this pain to go away. And I don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore, especially my mother and the people around me who try to care about me.
Â Â Â Today, one of the worst days of my life. It well.. started yesterday. Me and my boyfriend had an argument. Turns out he doesntÂ trust me. This is the second time he thinks im cheating on him! Anyways, we were talking..them came the yelling, and well then nothing. He left. Just like that. So today, at school i tried to talk to him, say sorry. But he would ignore me the whole time. I ended cutting again… Its been like 2 weeks that i havent cut until today..at school. I guess i needed it again. To help me take my mind off things. and feel.. Pain? But by doing that I fail, i failed my family, i failedÂ myself.. With my family.. bout 2-3 weeks ago they found out about my cutting..they made me promise i wouldnt do it again. But i failed them. I failed my ‘love’ ones. So, on school..i practically was feeling weak and dizzy , my best friend says its because i dont eat. But who the fuck cares right? Anyways..with the nonstop bleeding wrists..i was also dizzy as fuck. I keept holding on things, falling a couple of times.. And well, i couldnt stop crying also. Which is very weird for me to cry in school. I mean,Â never have my friends seen me cry, nor others. Now? They saw everything, how i was a little ***** crying her eyes out because of a ‘fight’. So the day went like that..i keept thinking.. “He’s over you, he doesnt want you anymore! Go kill yourself.. your worthless without him! GO! GO! GO!” But i never did it.. Well i did toke some pills. they were sleeping pills. Toke half the bottle, Hoping not to wake up! But again a fail. I have been cutting since 4th grade and suicidal in 5th. im in middle school right now. I have been having suicidal thoughts again.. Since my dad started drinking again. I hate him! But at the same time..i still love him. Its very difficult to explain. so.. i dont know what to do.. Im lost. i just want to die.. Let myself let go of everything.. I wish this would be just a fuckingÂ nightmare. Wake up and.. be happy. Not faking a smile to everyone. And actually smile for once.. I need help. I guess.. this is just the beggining.. for now.. Lets hope ill Hang On.
Im sorry if half of this doesnt make sense… Im still figuring myself out. Hoping to find myself…and come out of the closet..
Until then…. im the Nobody..
Hey, I’m 21 I have no friends, no girlfriend and I have been alone my entire life idk why. Everyone who meets me says I’m the Nicest guy but no one wants to hang out with me. I’ve been depressed almost my entire life I’ve never really had any friends I’ve only had one girlfriend and she ended up cheating on me. I really have nothing to really live for the only thing I’m good at his school and I have to work really really hard to do good in it. I need help. I’m just withering away
I thought I’d never have to come back here. I thought I was doing fine. I used to severely scratch my skin (around my shoulders and chest so no one could see) to take some extremely negative thoughts out on myself. I had stopped for about 4 days now. Then… today happened.
Here’s a little back-story;
About 3 years ago, my ex cheated on her boyfriend of 2 years with her friend, they obviously broke up. Then me and her dated for about 2 weeks last year, but she left me to get back together with her ex, but he didn’t want her. She then dated someone else for about a month and cheated on them with me (after saying she had learned her lesson about cheating). Then me and her went out for a few months (I was stupid enough to believe that she had really changed and was really inlove with me. Anyways, after a few months (yesterday) I found out she went on a date with some other guy. I was furious! I dropped it because it was just a date (this is where my mistake was). Then (today) I found out she had slept with this guy as well (she hadn’t even slept with me yet because she was too “religious”).
Anyways, so with that happening, all of the self-hate I once had for myself came back. Every single thought about suicide, every thought about hating life. So with that on my mind, I started making more of those scratches all over my body, deeper than ever. The first few I ever did were superficial, then the next few were deep enough to sting when I touched them. These ones bleed.
It was honestly my own fault. I should have known that trusting something would lead to this. I knew that it was a mistake to let anyone get close to me. It should have been obvious that she never loved me when she didn’t even sleep with me. She’s had sex with every single one of her boyfriends since she was 15, but not me. I don’t know how long she’s been cheating on me, she’s been texting a new guy every month, non-stop. She tells me she loves me… but… I’m sure anyone would doubt that, right?
I’m 19, incase anyone was going to ask. Suffered through depression for 3 years now, only started self-harming for about 2 weeks now. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. I trusted one person… in 3 years, ONE person with everything I had. She knew everything about me, she had my heart in her hands, I put all my faith in her. I don’t trust anyone anymore right now, I was planning on going to a mental health clinic a few days ago but I change my mind about it now.
If the person that I’ve talked to non-stop for 6 months doesn’t want me to be in their life, then why would anyone else?
Is it really selfish to kill oneself because you’ve had a lifetime of misery? Why is it ok to force someone to withstand many numerous years of unending misery to save a few people a few days or weeks of pain? I am a suicide survivor myself. I was 15 when my mother took her own life, and yes, I have remained angry with her for the last 13 years, but that was different. She had a 15 year old child and a 6 year old child she was responsible for. I have no children whatsoever, and don’t intend to have any. I recently tried to save someone special. An ex, whom I am still in love with, and I showed her PROOF that her current S/O is not only cheating on her but also USING her and she doesn’t seem to care. So I was sure I wanted to just say goodbye, but as soon as I did I couldn’t take the pain. I sliced up my arm pretty bad and couldn’t stop crying. I am NOT a liar and she knows it, but nobody wants to believe my truth. I recently came into possession of my mother’s belongings, and happened to have the.note she left. And honestly, I feel EXACTLY the same. I am so tired of messing up everything I do. Everyone I come into contact with’s lives. I am 28 years old and have NEVER been able to do anything right. I think it would be me doing everyone a favor if I just ended it now. Hell my so called friends who claim to care don’t even have time to be there for me when I need them. I think I need to just do everyone a favor and exit. Stage right. Everyone thinks it is selfish. I think it is a favor.
I have experienced too much pain and to little joy in my young life.
i have always feelt unease with myself since aslong as i remember but 3 years ago i had enough, enough of people mocking me or making me a laughing stock, i started to do something i never thought i’d do and that was planing my own suicide and even writing a big letter to people (Family at most) and 4 people that i have keep in touch with thanks to a suicidal chat.
Today its gone 3 years since i planed my suicide but i still havnt done it, im overwhelmed with guilt and im guessing i deserve everysingle part of it..
for about 4 month’s ago i got something i never thought would happen, i got a girlfriend but this wasnt any girl that i just met, this was one girl from the suicide chat that i had keept in touch with for about a year, she
had been worried because i hadnt sent any messeges to her (or anyone else for that matter) and she guessed right since i was actually about a couple of days of commiting suicide. To make a long story short,
We decided to meet for the first time and then she suddenly kissed me and in a couple of days we became a couple, however she has had such a history behind her, a history that makes me feel bad, she’s drawn to depressed guys and have apperently had alot of guys before me.. this was all new to me and i felt a bit disgusted that the girlfriend i have had over 2 dussin guys and at her age, she have told story’s wich i havnt even pictured myself of being true, she showed another person than the one i spoke with for a year, yet i feel ashamed of feeling like this, this girl try’s to save me by making this fake relationship, thought id just go with it and have alot of sex before commiting suicide since she’s only trying to save me from it.
Im driven by jelousy perhaps because i’ve fallen inlove with this girl, i havnt been able to remain cold and now when it has happend she’s starting to flirt with other guys, well.. okay she did it since we got together but i didnt care, i was going to die anyway, better off if she has someone to “seek comfort with” than trying to judge herself for it.
My life has been lonely since i was little, she’s the only one i meet in person other than that i sit at home or take long walks in the forest and now im considering to break up with her, i cant take it anymore.. i cant stand her flirting with others, she has cheated on another guy and i would feel worse if she did that to me aswell so now im standing here, thinking of dumping the only friend & girlfriend i actually meet and do stuff with and then commiting suicide, nobody will miss me anyway’s.. she’ll have a new guy in 1 week or less i bet and my father wont have to support time and money on me.
Now im sitting here crying like the pathetic weak guy i am in a dark room saving all documents and getting ready to die alone like i’ve lived my life.
im sorry for my poor english im not american nor an englishman..
Â The very first time i had ever cutÂ my self on purpose was when i was 11 with a shaving razzor I saw my sister that was visiting from Tennessee kissing my nieghbor and i dont know why I felt even that young that cheating on someone was and is wrong but i remembered my brother telling me something about cutting helps some times so i grabed my dads shaving razzor and broke it apart and started cutting downward pretty deep it stang for a while and kept stinging for days but after i thought about it in some way it did help so i kept doing it.People ask me how can it help i tell them it bleeds out the bad pain i have inside me.I saw a guy on tv that said that he was not upset that he was burned so bad but that he could not describe how it felt to be burn for so long.I thought how could you not describe it so i found my brother’s lighter and lit it for a while like 15 min’s i thought it was going to run out of gas then i held it on my arm tell it stoped burning when i pulled it off so did some skin it was all bubblely and nasty bloody.I would describe it as refreshing it may sound wierd but it truely was im going to take some photo’s so if you email me i’ll show anyone who wants to see just ask my email is email@example.com