I just don’t know what to do with myself now. I’ve pretty much completed the biggest part of my bucket list (somewhere I traveled) and now I can’t seem to motivate myself at all. I know what I would want to do in the future, but now it feels like whether I make it to that point or not doesn’t matter at all. I have a wonderful life filled with supportive and kind people who tell me daily how much potential I have, but I have nothing to show for it. Guilt and a vague but almost desperate feeling of “there’s surely something left for you […]
Fuck myself, fuck everything.
I’m in a perpetual emotional tilt. Dazed and confused. Head spinning.
Legs shaking. Feel like smashing stuff.
I would be a calm guy, I would. IÂ am thatÂ guy. But have no choice anymore. I’m losing it.
There’s no choice. It all bullshit. Its in me and from the past. Its fatum.
Hey, I believed in peace and justice and all that. But seriously, if I had power, before abolishing this type of financial system, etc, I would FUCKING WHIP everybody first!
Just fucking burn, Just fucking burn.
All nonsense. I have nothing, nothing. Worthy men have died younger than me, so what the fuck? Why do I fucking […]
I go through these periods of withdrawal, when all I can seem to do is stare at the wall or refresh internet pages. Â Other times I just feel sick or exhausted or down in some other way that I can’t explain. Â I don’t seem to care about anything anymore. Â Today I began a journal entry: About a year from now, I will graduate from Â college. Â In a little over a year, I hope to be dead. Â I have a plan, which is imperfect: I want to disappear without ever being found. Â I want my family to think I’m somewhere, alive, so that they don’t suffer. […]
Well, this is my first time posting on something like this. I’m not exactly sure how to start, but here goes nothing.
Hi there. I’m sixteen years old and I should be happy. I have a decent family, a decent home, a wonderful school, and a few close friends. I come from a long line of women who have a chemical imbalance which causes depression. Low levels of serotonin influence my moods negatively, according to the doctor. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it’s actually quite common in women/teenage girls. In my opinion? It’s just another excuse to drug us and take our […]
why do you have to be so dumb and oblivious to what is right in front of you? You should clearly be able to see that SOMETHING is wrong.. but youre blind.. you blinded by your complete ignorance. You are an ignorant person. You know NOTHING about depression, or suicide, or cutting. So you judge those who do. If you actually knew.. you would know that people who cut themselves dont do it for fun.. they do it because its something that they have grown to need, they have to do it to stay alive, so they dont kill themselves, to let out the emotions […]
That’s a quote from one of my all time favourite novels, Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut. I have plans to get the book’s mantra, ‘so it goes’, tattooed somewhere on my body.
Which, is kind of at odds with posting on a suicide website, isn’t it?
I don’t actually know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m depressed – I’ve never gone to a doctor or a counseller. I think about suicide on a near-daily basis; not in some abstract way, but with regards to methodologies, and having a suicide note on my laptop which I regularly update to correspond with the messages I want […]
**pardon my lack of grammar and editing but i justÂ don’tÂ give enough of a damn.**
I’m only fifteen.
I have spent my tiny little life feeling like I’m on the outside of everything looking in on it.
Do you know the feeling, like you are the only one whoÂ realizes just how fucked up everything is? I do and i feel that way every day. All the rich white people at my overlyÂ sociallyÂ competitiveÂ high school, my family life, society, the way our world works, life, they all seem like a circus act to me. i feel like almost every person on earth sees life as a fluffy cake with sweet pink […]
Yesterday was Horrible! It marked an All Time Low for Me. I had never woke up and immediately wanted to die. I guess i didnt want to face reality yesterday. That was the 1st time that I actively reached out to someone for help. Its like I wanted to Kill myself but I kept finding reasons to live. From the time I woke up at 7am until around 11pm or midnight, I seriously battled those feelings. It was a Great fight, and the best thing is that I Won; I’m still here. To some, i just did the right thing,but they dont understand the chemical […]
they prescribed me wellbutrin– an antidepressant, and risperidone, an antipsychotic.
i’m not psychotic. I just have a neurochemistry problem. schizoaffective disorder, maybe– “disorganised thinking comorbid with mood disorder”.Â i was in the hospital for six days this october, on the behest of my school psychiatrist. oh it was just like “Girl, Interrupted” except I didn’t have the manipulative roommate. I was put on seroquel, then they added abilify. mild numbing and mild despair. oh on the 4th day Dr Bashir actually got to listen to me for 20 mins and I got taken off abilify and was put on wellbutrin. my school psych replaced the seroquel with […]
There’s this funny little contraption in my chest.
Right here, on the right side of my body below my neck. I can feel it pumping blood through me, beating life into my veins, but that’s all I need to FEEL.
It’s called a heart.
I’ve never understood how this thing works. It’s just aÂ part in my body, it doesn’t have a mind of it’s own, it’s not its own seperate entity, and yet It makes me feel emotions that I shouldn’t have to ever feel.
TakeÂ love for instance. When your in love with someone your heart knows it. It swells with this creation of a thing I like to […]