Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
Isn’t it ironic that those who should care the most are most times the driving force behind self harm and suicide?
They say the worst about you, plot for your failure and amongst all things, they lie , LIE , LIE!!!!
It has come to this point in which I am beginning to denounce them just as they have done to me.
It has reached to the point where if anything were to happen to them , I’d be unaffected. It wouldn’t break me.
How can people who profess Christianity act so contradictory and evil, yet call on God. For this reason, to me Christianity and God is an illusion.
My father completed suicide a few days ago. Â No one ever saw it coming–he was a religious man, a bachelors in Theology and an ordained minister. Â He was terminally ill and getting worse and worse by the day. Â He did not want to be put into a nursing home or die in a hospital. Â He died at home in his own bed. Â He was only 60 but his quality of life was so poor I don’t blame him for doing it. Â He is so much better off, in no pain now and free from his need of oxygen to live. Â Â I am sorry for my mother who had to find him with a gun in his hand but she too knows why he did it and is happy he is no longer suffering.
I see so many of you come on here and post about how you wish you could die because of various reasons. Â I too have posted on here aboutÂ committingÂ suicide, seemingly insurmountable debt and spouse conflicts. Â All of my issues pale in comparison to my father’s. Â Please don’t ever give up hope. Â The problems you have someone else wishes they had only those problems. Â There is a brighter day ahead. Â You just have to want to see it.Â
I know I’m always speaking against organized movements, as they always get infiltrated and hijacked. I’m not so much interested in a political movement though as a sociological one. The idea (even if TPTB twist it, I’m sure they will) is to fight against this Christianized stigma on suicide. Suicide should be a fundamental human right. Nobody should have the right to force other people to live against their will. Seeing as none of us CHOSE to be here, then it only makes sense we should have the right to choose NOT to be here. The stigmatization of suicide being “selfish” largely grew from the Abrahamic religions. Most notably judeo-Christianity, suicide is excepted in Islam if it’s some suicide bomber nutjob (not that I’m condoning bombing anyone), but I’d say the bulk of this stigma grew out of Judeo-Christian traditions. So who owns us? Does Society own us? Does the government own us? Does some mythological sky daddy own us? Do our family and friends own us? Or, do we own ourselves? Well, if we own ourselves, then only we individually maintain the RIGHT to choose how, when, where, and why we go. It is time we fought. Someone once asked me on here, if the government has a depopulation agenda (which they do) then why do they discourage suicide? I’ll answer this here. It’s because living people create more debt, so the government wants us to live as long as we can do they can squeeze every dime out of us they can get. They’d rather us not go on OUR terms, but on THEIR terms. They need slaves to be their worker bees, doctors, lawyers, soldiers, wage slaves, etc to keep their empire running. Without slaves to rule over, they’d have no empire. Suicide is becoming a more hot button issue, it’s growing exponentially as more of us are beginning to speak up and speak out. More of us are challenging these highly Christianized notions that our lives belong to other people. I think maybe it’s time we take to the street and make our voices heard loud and clear. The happy go lucky robots out there insist we are “selfish” for not living miserable lives for other people…. I should thank them, as we all should, for having given us a good reason to push through the hell this world has caused us here, for having given us a reason to live. The right to die, for whatever reason we decide is necessary, for future generations. And one shouldn’t have to be “terminally ill” to have this right. The right to self ownership and self sovereignty over our lives and deaths. They have given us a reason to live, for the right to die.
I hate when people say that, too much pseudo-science and New Age ideologies are floating around and causing people to think that their suffering is a product of manifestation that somehow, their “soul” has made a contract with before coming to earth. If you believe in that new age shit, or even Christianity, all of it is filled with lies & hypocrisy. “You create your won reality” my ass, bio centrism doesn’t prove shit.
I think I should become christian.I don’t want to go to h*ll,and if I’m atheist then I’d run the risk of going to h*ll if God doesÂ exist.When I was christian I was happy but I lost my faith and started feeling alone again.So I think I shouldÂ at leastÂ try to be christian before I think about killing myself.What do you think I should do?
I wonder where I would really go if were to commit suicide today…I guess I fear the unknown , I might’ve killed myself a long time ago if I knew where I was going…I don’t have enough “faith” to beÂ atheist or christian.But I do believe in ghosts , Once IÂ Â heard something whisper call my name or I feel like something’s watching me (especially when I’m alone)Â . And once I had this dream that I was in a dark place and I felt something reach for my stomach and then I woke up my stomach felt weird…
Anyway I think I should becomeÂ atheistÂ or christian but I don’t reallyÂ completely agree with christianity.I likeÂ atheism but what if god does exist then what? There are so many flaws with christianity so I don’t know…
I’m not sure what to think of NDE’s (Near Death Experiences) like when people say they saw an afterlife or jesus.I don’t agree with christianity mainly because I don’t think a hell should exist. I don’t thinkÂ immenseÂ eternal suffering is a good thing…
And some of the things considered a “sin” aren’t that bad.
If there is no such thing as hell then I’m happy 🙂
I’m not even sure how to do all this, I haven’t taken the time to read through everything. I just need to get this out. Now.
I think too much, way too much. I’m a 40 year old female who has thought about dieing since I was a teenager. I guess I’ve always been scared to live. I was bullied horribly in school. I never felt like I was good enough for my parents… But all of that is more than 2 decades in the past. Maybe that is what started my depression. I can’t even remember not being depressed. Now though, I’m on medication that helps take the edge off I guess.
I can’t stop questioning why… Why am I here? What is real? What is true? I’ve always been searching for myself. I’ve always been searching for the Truth. I’ve always been searching for ‘god’ or whatever you want to call the origin of everything. Is It even real? What is It’s purpose? Why?
I’ve given Christianity a real try and after studying intensely for years and years I finally can put that religion away… I know it is not the Truth. Is reincarnation? I do have something like ‘memories’ of living in other bodies, in other times… But is that real? Or my imagination?
I have studied so many different religions & belief systems and nothing rings True with me. I feel so lost, so empty – like I am floating in the vast, endless universe with nothing to hold onto, nothing to touch.
I am not close to my parents or any of my other family members, most I haven’t seen or talked to since I was a kid. I only have 3 friends. One lives a few hours away and we see each other once a years. We never talk on the phone and we only email each other 2 or 3 times a year, if that much. One of my other friends is really just a roommate, I’ve known her for a long time but I don’t like her, we just have totally different ideas about things. She is very shallow and self centered and materialistic. The last and only really true friend I have is like a sister but she is sort of emotionally distant. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. She used to be sort of my girlfriend but she has terrible problems being emotionally close. There is a lot of water under that bridge, so to speak. I don’t feel like I can trust her with my inner-most self. She has hurt me terribly in the past and I just can’t go there again.
I don’t have anyone else. I have nothing to believe in. I feel so cold and alone. I’ve tried to kill myself (in earnest) two times. I dream about it almost everyday, some days its all I think about. But I’m so damn curious about what the Truth is that I keep going, day after day. And I know that really, it doesn’t matter what the Truth is… Does it? I mean, I guess I’ll find out when I’m dead, if there is anything to find out at all.
In both cases, I have many secrets.Â Many told and twisted, others kept in shame.Â I could make this post very long and quite wordy; however, I will leave out as much shame as necessary.Â First off, everything in my life seems perfect.Â Too perfect. I have a great husband, great dogs, house paid off, little debt, and all of the other “blessings” we all find in this world.Â We live a quite normal life, as much as we can anyways.Â But, I am still sad..all of the time.Â Over and over, I think about how much I should not be sad, should know my blessings and should be appreciative.Â On to the background and strings that weave this perfect life.
I have been married twice. To the same man.Â My mistake again. Not the marriage, but rather the causing of a divorce and remarriage.Â I am young, not older by any means and am happy to say I was given a second chance… But am I?Â Mistake.. I cheated.Â A lot.Â Not happy about it in the least, who would be after such a catastrophe?Â I made more mistakes.Â I am not a nice person.Â EvenÂ after the husband took me back, I am still not nice.Â Yes, I am being faithful; however, I do not always speak kind and most of my days are not filled with happy words towards my forgiving husband.Â I regret most of everything I say, to him and others.Â Â Â He is the kindest, gentlest, most honest, and forgiving-filled individual I have ever met.Â Everyone loves him and everyone believes he is very nice.Â He is.Â Too nice.Â I, on the other hand, try- I do… I try to control my silly words and make his days better.Â Sadly enough, this does not happen.
I wish I could list all of my mistakes, but I cannot.Â Your eyes would get heavy before I was even close to finished and you would not want to continue.Â I will post my most recent sad thinking and lead from there I suppose.Â I could elaborate on how my heart fights with the fact of Christianity on a daily basis, but this too would be a very long topic and most I find would not be interested.
Now, to give one more knot in the deal.Â I just recently found out I am pregnant.Â No, my emotions are not being controlled due to this little one, as I can honestly say; I have dealt with these emotions prior to pregnancy..often.Â I do not want to feel to be a selfish person, but I am.Â I try to help others, but rather say things that are not helpful.Â I try to be kind, but say things that are not.Â Mistakes from my past float in my mind every day….Â which brings me to the most horrible thought I could ever think of.Â Why do I get a blessing as a beautiful baby, when all I have ever done is screw the blessings away?Â I will not be a good mother, not in terms of being scared, but why would anyone want a baby to be around someone that is depressed and has a mean conscious.Â My husband is the happiest man on the earth and has wanted a baby for the past few years.Â I did too.Â I was initially happy, but then thought of how I am.Â It is sad, but…this little blessing is much better off without me.
Hi, I’m HangedKiller, and this is my story.
Obviously, HangedKiller is not my real name. I don’t know why I’m talking about this on the internet, but there’s something screaming inside of me.
I attempted suicide by hanging the summer of 2009.
Asian families have no room for your opinions or your dreams. I became accustomed to the ‘sit down and shut up’ routine.
Becoming used to being nothing is so horrible.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t live up to their expectations. No matter how much I lived for their ideals, it started falling apart in sophomore year of high school. I was a 4.0 student until then, and then depression hit and I started getting B’s. Then C’s. And then D’s and F’s. I couldn’t see what I was good for. I wasn’t stellar at Piano. I wasn’t going to be an academic valedictorian. I was ashamed of myself. I thought I was worthless. I started cutting in the beginning of sophomore year. I hated my cowardly self, how lonely I felt, how restricted I felt, how much I hated Christianity, how hopeless I felt. My future as the filial asian daughter was to study hard, go to a great college, get a Ph.D, and be some professor or researcher Â with equally successful children. I DIDN’T WANT THAT. But I couldn’t say anything.Â My grades and my depression were inversely related. One spiraled down as the other escalated. I lost my grasp on life. When report cards came out, I hid it for weeks. I tore it up and threw it away.
When I could no longer avoid the truth, I waited until my mom and dad were out of the house. I looped a belt around a stair rail and tried to hang myself.
It didn’t work. Â (obviously) I was caught.
I survived, and everything about my grades came out to my parents. Even then, I couldn’t communicate with them what was wrong. A week later, they were acting like everything was back to normal. Besides my abysmal grades, they acted like nothing had ever happened. I have never received counseling, and I still cannot tell them anything. My world views are vastly different from theirs, but I play the role of the good daughter and do as they say.
I continued to cut. My parents still don’t know. I cut open old cuts to prevent wide regions of scarring. I have been cutting for three years, and they still don’t know.
Because of my grades from sophomore year, I basically redid my whole second semester while taking all my classes for junior year. It was a double courseload. I couldn’t keep up, and my grades only drifted back up to B’s and C’s. This continued all through the rest of high school. I scraped my way into a decent college, but it was a huge disappointment to my parents. I wasn’t in Berkeley or Harvard or MIT or even Cornell. My parents couldn’t show their faces in front of their friends. On my birthday, my mom cried and screamed that I should have died. I felt guilty for wasting my parents efforts and time.
Three years after my suicide attempt, I still cut. It’s not that serious. It’s just methodical; slicing open the same old wounds. I hug that same belt at night sometimes, feeling the cold metal and dreaming of death. I still hate myself. I still want to die everyday. I lost the one person that I could lean on, and now I can’t tell anyone how lost and alone I feel. I was supposed to be all better. They all want to pretend it never happened.
I want to die. But I’m afraid. I’m a failure. I can’t even die properly. I’m wasting my parents money by going to college. I’m a waste of space. I should have died three years ago. These thoughts multiply and I crumble everyday. I don’t cry anymore when I cut. Living with the depression and hatred of myself has become the twisted way I live. Why can’t I die? I don’t want to hope.
I should have died.
In my past entries posted on this site, as well as my facebook page and my website: www.nolenthebeckoning.com, I have mentioned my belief in man’s evolution from fire.Â I have received quite a few derogatory replies.Â Most from people calling themselves christians.Â To those of you on this site who claim christianity, I do not wish to personally offend you, however it is of my opinion that christianity is one of the leading religions to plague mankind.Â Most of christian history is written in bigotry and the practice of condemning all others…and when there’s no others, condemn each other.Â As with many of my perceptions, I am more than glad to post numerous sources from which I gained my insight.
Listing my sources in groups of ten, seems to be sufficient enough…should you require harsher punishment of your futile faith, I could post my sources in groups of hundreds.
I feel like that again. Like all I can do is cry. And be depressed. And hate myself. My tears feel like razor blades. My heart aches. Yet again, Iâ€™m not who I seem to be. Iâ€™m empty. Iâ€™m scared… I want to be gone, so no one has to deal with the pathetic excuse for a person that I am. And so I can be done with this. Disgust is the only thing I see in myself. Iâ€™m the one who made myself like this. And there is no way to fix me. I depend on pills to keep me alive, to numb my feelingsâ€¦ The ones that no one understands, the ones you cant explain to anyone. And after everything, I still suffer silently behind it all. The drugs help, but Iâ€™m still deteriorating. If it happens again, that means Iâ€™m on crazy drugs for life. I canâ€™t do this… I hate having to live, its too hard. I just feel like a burden to everyone. I canâ€™t be what everyone thinks I am. Its like every day, I have to fumble around for a reason to pretend to be a person. And itâ€™s so sad. Heaven doesnâ€™t sound so bad right now, not that I would end up there anywayâ€¦ Christianity says suicide is a sin, and all sinners go to hell. Oh well. Anywhere sounds better than my mind at this point.
All I want to do is be happy but Iâ€™m so lost that I donâ€™t know what happiness feels like anymore. I feel like Iâ€™m suffocating and the grip that depression has on my life just keeps getting tighter, with each passing day; like last time. I hate myself. I hate what Iâ€™m not. Iâ€™ve lost the ounce of self-respect I had. I always thought of people who cut as crazy until that precious moment when I was in so much pain that I had to feel a cold blade on my skin to remind myself that unfortunately, I was still alive. I have to bleed to feel relief. It feels good to finally be in charge of my own pain.
Iâ€™m hysterical. I donâ€™t think before I speak, and I hurt others to make myself feel in control. I have no concept of appreciation. Iâ€™m so angry all the time. At my family; at Travis; at myself. But I canâ€™t help it; its like something else is doing this to me. It takes a toll on me too. It tears me apart from the inside. I donâ€™t know why I do it to myself, but I donâ€™t know how to stop. All I know is how to push people away. To isolate myself so I donâ€™t get hurt. Little do I know, Iâ€™m the one doing the damage. Self-medicating. Drugs. Alcohol. Depression. Addiction. Failure.
Life sucks and then you die… If Iâ€™m just going to feel like this for the rest of my life I donâ€™t want to suffer any longer. I do some really stupid things sometimes, and usually I think, â€œThe worst thing that could happen isâ€¦ I die,â€ but recently, thatâ€™s a thought that comforts me.
I have realized that the depths of my addiction and loneliness are nothing compared to the boundless depth of love, which of course is something I lack. Love of myself… the definition of change. Donâ€™t think I havenâ€™t tried. I have tried everythingâ€¦. EVERYTHING. Ironically, love is the only thing that keeps me alive today. Travis is everything I have. He is my heart and soul. I canâ€™t wait to live my life in the security of his heart. But I know I donâ€™t deserve what he gives me; I donâ€™t even deserve this life. Maybe I wonâ€™t fuck it up this time. But just in case, Iâ€™m still waiting to wake up alone.
Guilt and shame are the main causes of my despair; leaving me with a feeling of incompleteness, loneliness, and hopelessness; no matter how many people surround me. Not feeling good enough for anyone or anything has led me to lose everything I once had. Including sanity.
Iâ€™m going to keep pretending to be ok for my family, and my love. But if I spin out of control again, that means Iâ€™m on my own this time. And Iâ€™m not totally sure I could do it again, but I can try. I donâ€™t really have a choice, do I?
Iâ€™m so tired of living like this, suppressed by all of my fears and obsessions. Iâ€™m afraid of being alone with my thoughts. Iâ€™m afraid of losing control. Iâ€™m afraid of being less than I should be for everyone who loves me. Iâ€™m obsessed with being the best. I NEED to be superior, because that means Iâ€™m in control of what people think of me. I just want to be perfect. Thatâ€™s all.
And then someone told me, â€œYou made a mistake; you are not a mistake.â€ But unfortunately, I donâ€™t think that applies if my whole life is a mistake.
Iâ€™m so sorry.
You think what you say has no affect on me. But it leaves me broken every time.
I give others the advice that I once worked for me. But then I go home and cry because I feel worthless. And no one notices.
I hate being the shitty childâ€¦ the one with all the mental issues and expensive pills. Then again, if no one knows, it canâ€™t hurt anyone but me.
I put makeup on so no one sees my flaws. I wear sweat pants and a jacket so no one sees my body. I wear bracelets so no one sees my cuts. I put on a smile so no one sees my pain.
â€œHave you ever been depressed?â€
â€œThen you will never understand.â€
I look in the mirror and behind the layers of revolting exterior, I see the emptiness that has claimed the interior as itâ€™s own.
I donâ€™t want your sympathy.
Depression has consumed me for so long, that Iâ€™ve forgotten who I used to be.
Just as I think Iâ€™m done with this bullshit, I discover that Iâ€™ve lied once again.
The moment you realize you need help.
im 16 my name is jeff, i am depressed and dont know why, my mom and dad got a divorce when i was 5 and i live with my mom, i am a christian, i hav a fairly good relationship with both of my parents, i’m actually not a bad looking kid, but i havent had a girlfriend in like 3 yrs, i feel very along bc ppl say they are there for me, the they arent. but speaking of girls, there is this one, and i dont know about you other guys (PLEASE TELL ME IF YA’LL DO THIS) but every time you think or see the girl you are in love with, but cant hav, you feel like giving up and slitting your throat (btw, i dont cut or ne thing like that), i play a lot of music (drums and guitar) i hav one truly good friend, and a lot of family that lives right by me, but they are to busy for me. I put this fake face on for people im around, you will see the true me at about 2 am. the girl i love with my whole heart (she gorgeous but doesnt know i like her) is a REALLY Â christian girl nd im more of a rocker, and i dont think her parents would approve (plz dont bash christianity or the way her parents do things, i respect and understand how they do things and if i were the parents i would do the same for a girl like rebecca.) and another thing me and rebecca (the girl) were born on the same day, but i dont know how to tell her that i like her bc they believe in courting, and im not good with that type of thing….plz help me, i hav so many questions you can email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org
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