Well, I almost did it. I was crossing the line before the part of me that hates me stopped me. I deleted my previous posts about my intent for suicide because I felt that they were stupid, childish, poorly written and whatever else negative the other me wanted to come up with.
Anyway, I’ve been depressed for going on 5 years now. Long story not-so-short: my parents have had a volatile, explosive, violent marriage full of mistrust, lies, paranoia. My dad is a HUGE guy. Not in the fat sense, in the could crush a train between his fingers sense. So when things got physical between him and my mom I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t protect anyone. I’ve lived with that inferiority complex for most of my childhood to now. Five years ago I was raped and stabbed by three grown men. I was fourteen. I’ve struggled since with trusting people, my sexuality, relationship shops and friendships. I’ve kept a girlfriend for three years now. She has come from a similar background and is the most loving, loyal person I think could ever exist. She has her caveats though and our relationship is also volatile to our depressed emotions. Now in college, I’m supposed to be able to manage the adult world. Well: an F, F, F, C, and and C- would say I’m incredibly unqualified. The amount of marijuana I smoke might say so also. So: back to my suicide attempt.
In culmination of the things in my life from the above paragraph, and the stuff I left out because there’s just too damn much, I made the 6th real attempt on my life. Let me tell you: this is straight disheartening. I purchased a hemp rope dog leash from the local petstore. I tied it to a tall wooden frame on my bedpost and at the end, made a small noose of the metal fastener and rope. I put a bit of fabric around my neck for padding and was ready. I took a huge hit of alkyl nitrates (poppers for you urban folk), and began to feel it’s intense sedating effect. I let myself slip into the noose and let my knees on the ground as I kneeled away from the post. The pressure on my throat was almost unnoticeable as my brains dopamine levels rose. In seconds my vision began blackening. I was all too familiar with this feeling. “It’s working.” I tell myself. “I’m at peace now.” My brain began going fuzzy, thoughts surged like a lightning storm, the pressure in my head was building and I was slipping away. My eyes closed and I no longer felt the rope around my neck. A thought was prominent: “I’m dead.” Once that phrase was thought, I could feel as my body entered a panic. “YOU’RE DYING. YOU’RE DYING, SOMSONE GET THE ROPE FROM OFF HIM.” It’s almost as if I could hear another person shouting. My eyes opened panicked and my vision was blotched heavily with black static as my instinct fought to survive. My hands flailed uncontrollable, searching for the noose. I tried to stop them but they grabbed hold. The downside of being able to bicep curl more than your own weight: even when being weakened by the lack of brain power, my muscles prevailed in pulling my body up with the rope enough to not be asphyxiated.
The moment I sat up, the blood began rushing back to my head. My brain was in shock. I could not even comprehend what has just happened. It was unlike other suicide attempts. I felt like I had gone mute. I remember specifically thinking, “I hope noone comes in, I can’t speak.” This feeling lasted for about a minute before the “oh god, I almost died” feeling set in. Followed by “why couldn’t I have just died, why did I have to live?”
I just want peace. I plan on living through Christmas, maybe the new year. I was considering joining the military as a means of escape and solving my problems. But I’m too heavy a weed smoker, I couldn’t be shipped out in time to pass a drug test, but before the next semester. I plan on trying again soon.
Have any of you ever experienced this? It makes me wonder, if I want to die so badly, why can’t I bring myself to go ish me off? Life can be so frustrating.
This is by far the best song that I listen too through my daily struggle in this world I listen to it when I’m speeding in the highway. At work everywhere you guys will love it especially the drop at 2:09, 2:52, 4:20 & 5:05 that beat is ridiculous this is the song I’ll never be able to post a better one than this DRAGONFLY that’s exactly what I see especially when I drive. Fastest I ever went with this song was 198mph on a 2am night of Christmas 2015 yes 198mph is the fastest I ever went in my life I won’t say where but (there were litterly no cars on the huge 5 lane 6 mile straightv away) my speedo says 200mph I almost topped it. Btw enjoy
So my birthday is January 6th and my cousin’s is the 10th. Honestly I feel like my birthday isn’t even important. Like I don’t matter. My aunt always talks about his birthday and since his is after mine, we usually celebrate them on his. Also, we’ve been staying at a hotel since yesterday and the room # is 110. She was so happy and was like “ooh” and said that they should play those numbers (for the lotto). He’s spoiled. He gets whatever he wants. For Christmas he asked for an Apple PC and those are a thousand and something dollars but guess what? He got it. It’s his Christmas and birthday present. I can’t even..
It’s as if all I can do is cry.
Even just spending maybe two hours with my family for Christmas was hard. Pretending to be okay even though I feel like half my family is missing- how could I be spending Christmas without her?
How could I be spending my life without her?
It still feels unreal; I think of her, of memories with her and I can’t believe that she could leave me. She called me her wife. She said I was for forever. I just can’t get over the idea that she’s gone. The idea that she could leave me, that we wouldn’t be together, was (is?) unfathomable.
I feel so empty and lonely without her.
She really is the best thing to have ever happened to me. After being depressed for so long and other awful things, meeting her, falling in love with her- even though I was still depressed, I felt like I had finally gotten a break. I finally got to experience something good: being with the woman of my dreams. I felt, even as awful as my depression and anxiety was, that I had something wonderful in my life. My three years with her are the happiest I’ve been that I can remember (due also in part to finding a medication that helped for the first time ever). I felt so lucky that I had found the person I was going to spend my life with. The person who’d always be there for me.
It felt like the first time I got to have something good in my life. To only have it ripped away is devastating.
Merry Christmas to all… I hope you all had a good day .
I didn’t feel like it was Christmas today .
It’s my least favorite holiday.
I feel like today is a day where people find a excuse to get back in touch with you , people get you gifts because they feel like they have to, and family’s have to get together because they feel bad that they haven’t for a whole year .
I kind of had a good day though. I saw my step family . Their really nice . My actual family is pretty much all dead , except for my great uncle and cousins that live in Denmark . My whole family lives there and I’m stuck in the USA …
I got a caligraphy book to teach my self to write better . I’m excited. It’ll take my mind off things .
Today is a hard day. But I didn’t cry . Or feel bad . I just felt kind of empty . I remember Christmas as a child .
It was so exciting . I couldn’t wait to see the family too. And Santa would come . I miss being so ignorant to life, and so full of it . I was always bouncing around as a child , but I didn’t know what I know now then .
This time of the year makes me sad . The suicide rates are the highest . I wish I could take all of you off of here and give you love and affection. And happiness . You all deserve it..
I hope y’all had somewhat of a good day. Or at least made the best out of it . Enjoy the rest of your nights , or mornings 🙂
Hasn’t felt like Christmas today at all, haven’t felt that so-called Christmas spirit throughout the run up to today at all this year. Seen so many photos of other people being happy today, and it just deflates me even more. Had messages from a few people saying “hope you’ve had a good Christmas” but ended up just ignoring and not replying cos there’s no way of really explaining to them how I’m really feeling. Feels like crap like any other day. Will be the same tomorrow. Wake up, feel like crap for the whole day, go to sleep, repeat. What a great life.
As I grow up, my Christmas list becomes shorter. It’s because the wishes I have can’t be bought by money or they’re too impossible to grant. I admit, i really miss the feeling of believing in Santa and hanging your favorite socks hoping he’ll drop some stuffs while you were asleep. I still remember how does it feels like to pretend to be asleep and hoping you’ll get the chance to meet Santa. I still remember how damn good it feels to celebrate this holiday with your family members and exchanging gifts with the ones you love.
Guess what? Those were just memories and it can’t happen again…
But you know what’s worse? You can never undo life. We just have to accept the fact that some things have changed from the way they used to be before. You can never replace memories with a good one BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THOSE WERE GONE and from that moment, everything doesn’t feel the same. The things you used to do makes you want to break down. Every single piece of memory left in your mind makes you feel weak and it breaks your heart a little and your whole body gets numb. And then you just want to cry and drown yourself to tears because you can’t explain how painful it feels. When every good memory you had with someone you really love keeps on flashing back, it makes you want to explode like a bomb. Christmas won’t be the same without the people who were the reasons why you want to celebrate it. It’s all different. I’m starting to believe in forever, and if you’d ask me one thing to prove that forever exist, think of the word “change”. Time after time, everything has changed and some things will never be the same no matter how hard you try to make things possible.
When you start to lose someone you really love, maybe you’ll understand.
(btw, i’m only fifteen)
After all this shit… the guy I’ve loved posts another rant about how he got rejected by someone else he was chasing, how good he’d be to someone, etc. Then added on how hard it is to get him and he wouldn’t want some of the girls who might want him anyway…. Yeah because we all know you need to be anorexic with your bones sticking out and have the face of a supermodel to get him. And aparantly he had plans to spend Christmas with the girl he was chasing but now just “might” not and so he “might” have been open to going out to eat with me. But that’s highly unlikely anyway.
I feel so lonely right now because I am spending Christmas so alone . I wish I had friends to give presents to or go to Christmas parties with . This time
Of the year makes me so sad . It’s hard to get out in the world and make friends .
But anyways happy holidays to you all. I’m gonna go drink some wine .
I have so much I want to say. You don’t know me at all. But for now all I’ll say is this.
i asked my mom for three things for Christmas. Three little things. I wanted to drive an hour to see a light display. I wanted a small tabletop tree to decorate and I wanted no gifts, from anyone. She did none of this. We have no tree. I didn’t and won’t get to see the light display. And I have gifts from my grandparents and am elderly great aunt and uncle waiting. I don’t feel worthy of gifts from these people. I am chronically ill and we are poor. The people who gave me gifts pretty much already support us and I want no more from them. Ironically, I have no gifts or cards or even calls from my brother, sister, or father who do not live with us. They are not poor and don’t otherwise help. In fact, I was left off of a Christmas card my sister sent to my mom, but that is no surprise. She disowned me (hasn’t spoken to me, told my mom I was not welcome in her home, etc) when I got sick. There is also no gift, not one, coming from my mom. I would be okay with that if she’d honored my requests, but she didn’t.
i don’t think I can handle this. On Christmas Day it will be worse. I will try and ignore the day entirely but I am not sure it will help.
may post my full story later, but had to vent now.
I hide it.
I’m not labeled ready for high-school because of my attitude.
I’m hiding it.
I apparently don’t hide it as well as I thought I did.
P.S. (This post is about hatred as a constant, oppressing feeling. Not meant to be spouted at anyone)
With that being said, merry christmas.
I was setting up the Christmas tree, bittersweetly aware that it would be my last Christmas, when my (grownup) son joined me for a bit, and reminisced about bits of decoration – a garland he had made in primary school – little fake parcels he had thought as a kid to contain lollies, only to discover to is great disappointment that they just contained tiny blocks of styrofoam – no matter how many of them he opened LOL
For some reason that broke through to me. All the sudden the abstract “my sons love me” became alive again.
So lets just say, I am now a bit more motivated to fight back from this particular relapse. I’ll still continue to put my life in order, that’s a good thing to do anyway, whether I live or die. If I continue to live, it will make my life more manageable and enjoyable, otherwise at least I don’t leave a mess and organisational nightmare behind.
I’m not saying with conviction that I won’t end my life within the next few weeks, for that I’m still hurting too much, but at least it’s now again with a question mark. It’s a bit like the experience you described, Hazy Day Sunflower, that really spoke to me on a deep level! X
Fuck December. My grandma died 4 days before Christmas 2012, and my other grandma died 2 days before Christmas 2014. My great grandma died a few days ago, she was 98 though so. I hope no one dies on Christmas this year. Regardless, fuck this month and everything it brings. And to think, before 2012, this was my favourite time of year.
So I spent over $500 on my boyfriend for Christmas.
I get in these moods (that sometimes last a few days at a time) where I can’t feel a desire for anything, and it makes him feel like I don’t love him. But I can’t really feel love for him or anything at that time. I don’t know why. Afterwards I can tell I’ve done damage, but he still tries to act like me treating him like shit doesn’t affect him. We both know he deserves better and should feel loved constantly. I admire him for sticking around, though. I decided to kind of “go all out” and get him an Xbox One and a pair of shoes (he’s picky and of course the more filters you have, the more limited and expensive things get).
But I figured you don’t spend over $500 on someone you don’t love, so hopefully he gets the hint? Ha.
I just want him to show his dimpled, real smile again and it be because of me.
It’s almost time to get spooky! This is one of the only holiday that makes me happy. I’m being Steven from SU.. SO PUMPED!
I’ll continue my story. Each part at its own time. What is your favorite Halloween movie? (Nightmare before Christmas for me 🙂
I have been suicidal for as long as I remember. I’ve had 2 suicide attempts…both with pill,s both failures. I’m always in pain. I’m always sick. I hate myself. I can’t keep a job. I have no friends….
But I was doing better. I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost a year now. I’ve had my current job for almost a year. I wasn’t happy, but I was close. Until July 4th. My Grandma passed away. We all knew it was coming. She was ready. She’d had Alzheimer’s for so long. I was close to her as a little girl. I spent my childhood at her house helping her garden, going Christmas shopping, watching Lifetime movies….
I can’t sleep. I don’t cry. I have constant headaches. Constant anxiety. I’m angry at everyone. Now what? Another attempt? Maybe. I’m lost.
This is my first post since the one I made somewhere in Octobre 2014, where i said i’d probably kill myself on Sunday. My brothers suicide, loneliness, school, stress and general depression were wrecking me.
Needless to say, i didn’t succeed. Alot has happened since then. Ah, where do i even start?
Okay so things were shit then (still are now so that’s stayed the same) and i felt very very very suicidal. My self harming had gotten pretty bad and i was making solid plans of killing myself.
I never mentioned this, but somewhere around a year ago i developped an eating disorder. By Septembre my anorexia had gotten bad, by Christmas even worse. I was nothing but a bag of skin and bones, always cold, looking like a dead corpse and having no energy. I was admitted inpatient for a few days but they released me as i wanted to recover from home.
Since January, i’ve been doing that. I’ve gained some weight. I haven’t been recovering for myself like most people do, i was planning on losing even more weight. I am disgusted when i look at myself now, i feel fat and am repulsed by myself. Anyways, i’ve been having therapy sessions every week but they fail to make me see how ‘skinny’ i am. I’ve been put on an antidepressant gor a few weeks now. I wanna go back to starving myself, i wanna starve myself to death. It’s like a passive suicide, taking months and months. And sometimes i get mad at myself, like why the fuck did i fuck all my progress of nearly dying up by eating?
I’ve been eating for my parents, because they were hurting so much from seeing me like this.
I’ve not been going to school for 10 months now, yet i did all my exams at Christmas and aswell as now. I will graduate somewhere next week. I don’t know how i feel about that. I’ve been isolated from friends and peers bc of my anorexia and thus not being able to go to school. I feel lonely as fuck.
I have been self harming again, badly. My mom knows and cries each time she sees the new cuts but i cannot stop it. I do not want to stop it.
I still want to die. I do not see how any of this has meaning or importance. There is a creeping and aching loneliness in my body and soul and i cannot live with this. I was thinking of maybe overdosing on my pills but i’m not sure if it would kill me.
I wish i could die without causing my parents pain.