Christmas

Well, I almost did it. I was crossing the line before the part of me that hates me stopped me. I deleted my previous posts about my intent for suicide because I felt that they were stupid, childish, poorly written and whatever else negative the other me wanted to come up with.

Anyway, I’ve been depressed for going on 5 years now. Long story not-so-short: my parents have had a volatile, explosive, violent marriage full of mistrust, lies, paranoia. My dad is a HUGE guy. Not in the fat sense, in the could crush a train between his fingers sense. So when things got physical between him and my mom I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t protect anyone. I’ve lived with that inferiority complex for most of my childhood to now. Five years ago I was raped and stabbed by three grown men. I was fourteen. I’ve struggled since with trusting people, my sexuality, relationship shops and friendships. I’ve kept a girlfriend for three years now. She has come from a similar background and is the most loving, loyal person I think could ever exist. She has her caveats though and our relationship is also volatile to our depressed emotions. Now in college, I’m supposed to be able to manage the adult world. Well: an F, F, F, C, and and C- would say I’m incredibly unqualified. The amount of marijuana I smoke might say so also. So: back to my suicide attempt.

In culmination of the things in my life from the above paragraph, and the stuff I left out because there’s just too damn much, I made the 6th real attempt on my life. Let me tell you: this is straight disheartening. I purchased a hemp rope dog leash from the local petstore. I tied it to a tall wooden frame on my bedpost and at the end, made a small noose of the metal fastener and rope. I put a bit of fabric around my neck for padding and was ready. I took a huge hit of alkyl nitrates (poppers for you urban folk), and began to feel it’s intense sedating effect. I let myself slip into the noose and let my knees on the ground as I kneeled away from the post. The pressure on my throat was almost unnoticeable as my brains dopamine levels rose. In seconds my vision began blackening. I was all too familiar with this feeling. “It’s working.” I tell myself. “I’m at peace now.” My brain began going fuzzy, thoughts surged like a lightning storm, the pressure in my head was building and I was slipping away. My eyes closed and I no longer felt the rope around my neck. A thought was prominent: “I’m dead.” Once that phrase was thought, I could feel as my body entered a panic. “YOU’RE DYING. YOU’RE DYING, SOMSONE GET THE ROPE FROM OFF HIM.” It’s almost as if I could hear another person shouting. My eyes opened panicked and my vision was blotched heavily with black static as my instinct fought to survive. My hands flailed uncontrollable, searching for the noose. I tried to stop them but they grabbed hold. The downside of being able to bicep curl more than your own weight: even when being weakened by the lack of brain power, my muscles prevailed in pulling my body up with the rope enough to not be asphyxiated.

The moment I sat up, the blood began rushing back to my head. My brain was in shock. I could not even comprehend what has just happened. It was unlike other suicide attempts. I felt like I had gone mute. I remember specifically thinking, “I hope noone comes in, I can’t speak.” This feeling lasted for about a minute before the “oh god, I almost died” feeling set in. Followed by “why couldn’t I have just died, why did I have to live?”

I just want peace. I plan on living through Christmas, maybe the new year. I was considering joining the military as a means of escape and solving my problems. But I’m too heavy a weed smoker, I couldn’t be shipped out in time to pass a drug test, but before the next semester. I plan on trying again soon.

Have any of you ever experienced this? It makes me wonder, if I want to die so badly, why can’t I bring myself to go ish me off? Life can be so frustrating.