Not that I have access to a gun of course as I live in England! .. Anyway, up until a week or so ago, I THOUGHT I had successfully over come the curse of the black ending which is suicide. I don’t think I had really considered it for about a year, which was really something for me as I spent 4 or 5 years previously to that engulfed in seesaw suicide battles of which at times really brought me to my knee’s, crying against the wall etc…
Anyway, I think this turn for the worst was brought on by a supposed friend who over the course of the last year I had really gone out of my way to help her through her own battles in life, helped her with all sorts and was always there to listen but she became the 2nd ‘friend’ in a month to abandon me and this time for absolutely no reason apart from something not agreeing with her ‘christian’ and so called ‘spiritual path’ ie: her getting drunk with me on her birthday which was HER actual choice! .. Really I always knew she was selfish and she always admitted it but I just didn’t see the bite coming.
Well, that made me feel badly let down as I was always doing nice things for her, then I go on Facebook and while I’d been seeing my HALF sister saying how fantastic my dad was and everything he did for her (He never did nothing for me, Just forgot about me and moved on) ..but then, I see posts of how she and her boyfriend were meeting up with my REAL sister and her husband (A wedding that I wasn’t even invited to at a time when I was suicidal) …not because I was suicidal (because she didn’t know that) but because her and my mum never got on and she was always in my mums words ‘Jealous’ of me. Plus she never thought much of me anyway because I was always one of the ‘nice’ people in the family who also lacked self esteem and she, really, has always been quite evil (to say the least).
So… I came to the conclusion and built up a picture in my mind of how she didn’t invite me to her wedding but instead invited all of the other side of my family (my dad, My half sister etc..) just as a way of out casting me and her creating a new little family ‘click’. .. I’ve never actually met my half sister BTW but she’s been on my facebook a long time which has generally been a site I’ve avoided because of my situation in life and bad social anxiety etc…
Anyway, following a Christmas message to my dad which i knew was a mistake pretty much as soon as I’d sent it, of which he replied ‘bla bla bla love dad’ … and so I say ‘be good to see ya sometime, love *my name*’ … A message that he didn’t even reply to – only deleted!! .. All of this has added up over the past week and I’ve deleted everyone of them off my FB friends as I know they don’t care if I’m there or not or if they ever see me again or what ever. I also sent a message to my dad after I deleted him, telling him in not many words about my situation having been fighting against suicide since I was 30 (I’m now 36) and also having an undiagnosed brain disorder which is possibly MS. I said to him that him and all his side of the family were completely unworth bothering with and that I knew they didn’t give a shit about me, said BYE and blocked him … And now I’m kinda regretting it I suppose because I always wanted more from my dad, I wanted him to be proud of me and want to get to know me etc .. but I know he didn’t/doesn’t. Its just been empty words of ‘love’ every Christmas with a card and £50 and that’s why I just couldn’t keep doing it because it just seemed so silly and pointless (especially when you dont know if you’re even going to be alive a week later) …. I wanted to get to know my dad and have a relationship of some sort but he was ALWAYS just too busy and why should I go there and knock on his door if he doesn’t care either way?
Anyway, just drinking some wine as the whole things been playing with my head and I’ve been in between anger/sorrow/ hatred/ jealousy/revenge etc … And Only a week or so ago I was playing football manager (I’m on the sick – cant work), meeting friends, and feeling really quite positive (for what ever small little reasons that were keeping me happy at the time.) ….
>>> Bad friends, family that don’t give a toss and in general people who just don’t give a toss about ya.. THAT’S what causes suicide!!