I have friends traveling out of the country, going to the beach, road trips, enjoying summer and life, having summer romances, Having great summer jobs and internships. I am just here sitting on my ugly, single and fat ass sweating bad enough that its dripping down my thighs, with family drama all around, broke as hell cant find a summer job that will call me back for an interview, So I cant really travel anywhere, I am miserable as hell in my online summer classes to the point i want to jump out of my bedroom window. Someone please just put me out of my misery
I just finished my college classes and I’m in vacation now.
I called up my old friends but none of them wanted to hangout.. So I’m not going to insist.
I just wanted to have some sort of fun before I start classes again this summer. Which is in like 13 days.
It just sucks that I have no friends to hangout with or share my interest with.
And I constantly ask myself, is there something wrong with me? Because it seems like I just can’t keep friends or make them.
Anyways people aren’t What they used to be.
I remember having so many friends that actually cared about me but now- there’s absolutely no one left. Or anyone interested in being my friend.
Usually this doesn’t get to me but since I’m not keeping busy with school I guess it just kinda feels lonely.
Overall, not to brag or anything but I’ve always been a down to earth person. And I always got along with just anybody but where the down to earth people at? Kuz it seems like I just don’t fit in with the uptight people I’m always around in college.
So what if I drink alcohol to have fun or smoke a little weed here and there. Everyone looks at me like a creep.
so what if I like flashing people when I’m buzzed lol or like singing out loud or skinny dip in the dark in the ocean.
i just like to have fun and let loose and be care free once Ina while and enjoy what life has to offer.
I just have no one to share that with.
And honestly a lot of people care too much about what other ppl think. And don’t let loose.
Does this happen to some of you?
it seems like everyone is too cool for me
I just wish I could meet people that don’t give a dam about trying to be cool or worry about there status quo.
I guess it’s maybe because I don’t go out there anymore.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I wanted to try sketching some things.
I couldn’t find an app that did what I needed, so I just drew on a sheet of paper and took a picture of it.
I haven’t taken any art classes, and I realize this is nothing compared to the amazing things some of you have posted.
Still I’d like to keep working on some projects, and maybe I will get better as time goes on.
If nothing else, maybe this (plus my music composition projects) will distract me from the part of my brain that wants me to overdose and walk in front of heavy traffic.
I’ve been giving up on everything. First it was a few missing homework assignments, then classes, now tests. I’m also slowly giving up on my hobbies and sports, too. What have I become to be? I cut myself, and starve myself, and now I’m giving up.
This is the shortest post I have made, but every time I read it, I cry every time.
I should be feeling something better than this. Just a few weeks away from getting that god forsaken undergraduate degree-in psychology no less. Registered for classes in the fall getting, a Masters in social work, I think. I don’t know what I want though. It is so anti-climactic. I feel pretty numb most the time because I am stuffing those feelings until after finals. My therapist mentioned self-sabotage last week, he kind of took it back this week though. Bought a house. Living alone, trying not to isolate, helps that my sister lives across the street. Honest though, I feel restless. Like I am waiting to do battle, reigning in the troops. Something big is in the forecast, I don’t know what but I know it will destroy the me I am today. Haven’t smoked a friggin cigarette in 5 days… Quitting for a project in my applied behavioral analysis class. For now I will keep sleeping because I have to wait for it. Wait.
I have no motivation for anything! I’m about to graduate collage, but this last semester is killing me and I’m failing 3 classes. I don’t even care, after I graduate (or not) I’m leaving and going to do nothing with my fucking degrees and I don’t care, because I don’t like them anyways, I’m not going to make anything out of myself because I don’t care! the only reason I’m alive is because I cant seem to kill myself all the way! So I guess I’ll just keep not caring and living my whole stupid life because as long as I’m alive everyone’s happy. even if i’m not. Cuz that doesn’t matter.
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could think of something in this very moment it would be to end it all.
So I know this guy and he told me how to try something I doubt may work… I don’t get all the details. But maybe I can try… or maybe I can just lay here and do nothing because it would be cheaper and easier. (More likely)
Staying home all day won’t solve anything but then again nothing will.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious ever since. And my mom just found out I failed 3 of my classes last tri, and she said she’s gonna take my phone and car away if I don’t get better grades. That really worries me because my music is on my phone and I rely on my music daily. Everything’s getting a lot harder to deal with. If I see him in the cafeteria at school, I get sick to my stomach and I usually don’t end up eating very much, if at all. I feel like a failure. A disappointment. A mistake. I feel like the only thing I’m good at is letting people down. I don’t know why they have such high expectations of stupid little me. I’ve never cut, but I’m getting so damn close. I want to reach out to friends, but I’m really worried that they’ll look at me differently. I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m looking for support/help.
Sitting at the top of the stairs and I can hear you all talking about me. Saying I’m worthless. Saying I’m a terrible daughter. I’m not supposed to be listening, but I’m sitting at the top of the stairs and I can still hear you. Mom, you make me want to kill myself. Dad, where are you now? Sister, why are you adding to the pain that I’ve told you I feel a thousand times? I’m the one that everyone hates. I’m the one that everyone wishes was gone. I can hear you talking about me. Someone help.. I feel like I’m seeking attention posting on here.. But how do I get help? I have three months until I can move out, but can I keep going that long? I’m failing almost all of my classes and it’s my senior year. I have to pass English and Math to graduate but I really don’t know that I can. I can feel my will to live slipping through my fingers like sand. I’m barely living anymore anyway.
Forgive the selfie.. but here’s a small update. I know nobody I know will find these forums. So why not show off my amazingly depressed face. So last I posted, I had just started college, and had completed my first day. Now I’ve dropped all but my math class so I’m not overwhelmed by my depression. That way I can at least get the hard class done first, and I can go about surviving.
Nothing much has changed. I “think” I’ve made a couple friends. We’ll see how that turns out. I still spend the bulk of my time listening to “See You On The Other Side” from Korn, and playing Pokemon.. because you know, I’m an adult. Since I dropped most of my classes, that means I don’t have an excuse to not have a job. So… next on the list, getting a part time job while I get “edumacated.” Still need friends to talk to!!!! Anyhow.. I’d love to hear from you guys.
I started a new smaller school back in October and basically its for kids with emotional and social problems. It is now the end of February and I haven’t made a single friend which I guess is kinda sad but I’m just really bad with social interactions. I basically sit at the corner seat and dont talk to anyone all day. There is this girl who loves anime (I also love anime) and I would say I have a really good chance with her but its so hard for me to talk to her because I hardly ever see her and shes not in any of my classes. I dont want to be some creep that says hi randomly in the hallway, is that creepy? I’m gonna guess it is because she dose not even know who I am. and even if I was given the opportunity to start a conversation with her I dont really know what to say.
just looking for advice
I hate weekends, they are terrible…. And they start on Friday for me now 🙁 I hate the being alone and doing nothing. I used to look forward to them as I hated leaving the house but now I like leaving the house but won’t if I have no reason to…. Yesterday I did leave the house though, however not for good reasons, went to drop off my resume at a place, which was stressful… I doubt I’ll manage to get the job, and in some ways I hope that I don’t. I worry about the hours that they may offer, they have to work around my school schedule, but also I would hate to start work too early after my classes end too, as then I wouldn’t be able to spend time with people after class 🙁 I’ve been enjoying that part of my day, generally at least some of them are there everyday…. It’s pleasant, I miss them already, won’t get to see them until Monday 🙁 But also managing to get the job may be nice, it would allow me to meet my requirements.
Also I’m really starting to find something concerning relating to the people that I’ve been spending time with…. I simply can’t stop constantly thinking about one of them, they have been in a few of my dreams even -_- I find myself thinking about them a lot, I don’t really like this…. 🙁
So how’s everyone doing?
(Assignment from one of my classes. I had five minutes to write this so it’s not my best)
I’ll never write about your
fastened locket, feather locks
hair up high and floral tops
silky skin and warm embrace
your voice your laugh your fucking face
your hands and how they’d fit with mine
your telling tales and wasted time
the tethered rope, your naked neck
I said I’d never write,
I am literally at my wits end. I can’t do it anymore. Why even live if you can’t even live your life? Literally stuck and not having a say. My dad has Alzheimer’s and he has to have care 24/7 and since I just got done with my classes and moved home (until I do my internship) I have to stay with him while my mom goes to work. She’s always like well you can watch him until I come home and then you can go to work. I would be fine with that but since I have been watching him for the past 4 in a half years I was restricted from practicing to get my license, and having no car and transportation stinks in my hometown, so while my friends are having fun and living their lives I’m here stuck at home. I mean I love my dad and I would do anything for my family but I don’t know if I can do this anymore and every time I have a mental breakdown my family always has to bring up “you depressed again?” “didn’t take your meds again did ya” I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t.
I’m a college junior now….whoopee. I am failing out of school, crazy amount of money in debt, without a job, and have moved back in with my mother.
I’m failing because of my depression. I couldn’t get out of bed for almost a month and there’s no recovery from that. But after that month I was still so lethargic that I didn’t go to classes, because why the fuck should I?
That same attitude led me to getting fired from my last 3 jobs. I hate myself for setting myself for failure, but FUCK IT. I’m already failing everything
The only positive is that I’ve been a better friend than ever to the 3 people who don’t want to see me dead. I’m considering dropping out of school, but I don’t know what I’d do if I did that. I want to finish school, but fuck me if thats actually gonna happen at this point.
I’m screwed either way. Any advice?
I am a student, and older than my other classmates it makes me feel so much inferior that sometimes i dont like to go to classes, and secondly i look older than my age that is an issue too. one of our teacher calls us daily at the podium and asks us to discuss that is highly embarrassing for me facing daily cause my english is not good. a lot of things i have to face daily in class, sometimes i feel to end my life. not able to find any way out. i have backlogs that i have to clear in near future, there is no chance that i am getting my degree on time because of backs. i have failed in every aspect of my life, academically poor, not good in sports, financially poor, and i liked a girl a lot for more than two years and when i asked her out, she and her friends made fun of me in class, till this day i hate to go to class because of her, i am not cool, i am short, ugly, introvert, shy, aggressive person who can’t speak in class. i feel i won’t be able to achieve anything in my life, parents have expectations from me, and daily i feel to kill myself than going to classes and feel inferior and getting humiliated everyday.
I don’t mean that I’m a failure as a person or that my fiance leaving me means I’m not “good enough,” but that I failed to be the person that she wanted to be with, the person she felt she could be with. I failed to be the person she thought of as family, as someone permanent.
This is what hurts the most.
It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m the one left behind, the one who’ll take longer to recover (if ever?). She’ll go back to school this semester, taking five classes (although honestly, based on her track record, I suspect she’ll drop at least one of them- she always thinks she can take on that much, but it never worked out that way), and do well not only in her grades but in creating relationships that could give her recommendations.
Compared to her, I’m not a good student. I’m supposed to graduate in December and I don’t have anyone to give me recommendations. Even when I was with her (and before) it seemed like every semester my depression and/or anxiety fucked something up- last semester I had to drop my math classes which meant extending my graduation. And now, with her gone, it’s going to be so hard. I thought that this semester would be different- I’d thought that with my depression finally improving I’d actually do well in classes. I wouldn’t be paralyzed by anxiety, I’d be able to talk to teachers (and peers) more easily and often, my brain wouldn’t feel so slow, and maybe I’d even do better grade-wise. But now, even if my depression goes away or improves significantly, I’m still going to be sad. So incredibly sad. I feel like I’m right back to where I was four years ago: depressed, lonely, and grieving.
It feels worse this time, even though that sounds awful (I was grieving a death last time). Maybe because before I didn’t believe I could be happy, that something really good could happen to me- finding the woman I want to spend my life with. Experiencing it only lose it is so incredibly painful.
After a decade of depression and anxiety and other bullshit, I feel like I deserved this happiness, to experience not being depressed and being with the woman I was going to spend my life with. I’m tired of my life being just a series of traumatic and sad events that are constantly weighed down by depression and anxiety.
I’ve spent a year and a half helping my gf through her depression/anxiety/cutting/suicide thoughts, and I am supposed to start my master’s classes in March but somehow, my parents went from paying $50-60k a year to f-ing $150k!!! Like I get adding another person to the food bill makes it go up but adding my gf to food bill with my brother living off of his school loans, should not cost that fucking much. Like i’m glad i didn’t go to Hawaii or New York. I stayed and worked, but the company was nothing but sales and didn’t know consulting from their own assholes . And I went a month without using my card. So after all this time where I am causing no electricity, water,housing, etc. (I haven’t seen my dr in 5+ years) and yet my parents have 5 cars, three boathouses, the pontoon boat, jet ski, time share, dish and cable, pay AT&T too much for shit, and god knows what else they chew me out about having to change things.
Well sorry for fucking getting my gf to a point where she is halfway sane and can finish her degree. I’m a fucking business student from a private university that can’t get a call back unless it is a shit company that only does sales of office supplies (based off commission), or a foreign shipping company that won’t give me the job because I tell them I can’t start on Monday but I can tuesday because gf’s dad who tried to kill the two of us tried to pull legal shit. If I have a court appointment, what am I supposed to do? Go to court! When I show up Tuesday the temp agency hasn’t even bothered to call the company to ask if I can start.
Meanwhile brother is an M.D. with no residency so he is an E.R. scribe but he works 40 hrs a week and gets paid. I can’t get companies to give me the time of day. And my mother has the balls to ask if I understand that I have worth as my own individual being and I am not being over shadowed by my brother. Yeah the working, living on his own Doctor brother is not overshadowing the living at his gf’s apartment younger brother who can’t get a job worth anything so he provides and takes care of his gf until his classes start again who just got told I have to spend less or my dad has to come out of retirement?!!
I didn’t choose to retire early. He’s enjoyed 11 years of retirement and he works just as much now as he did before he retired. So why should I feel bad about a man who was an engineer and yet couldn’t be bothered to try moving companies so he wasn’t working for assholes? Every time I tried asking or offering to work from middle school through college I was told to just focus on school. Now that I want to focus on school I have to focus on a job. I love my gf but as if her problems weren’t enough I might as well just kill myself and let my parents adopt her in my place. At least they’d have a pharmacist and a daughter they never got to have. So why should I feel important when I spend every year before now paranoid to use any money to the point I saved more than my parents did, but the fact I want to live normally I am vilified and criticized for acting normal when they started spending left and right as if they were kings and queens?!
How can I feel loved like that? Worst x-mad ever.