I’m sitting here at 4 in the morning because I’m in too much emotional pain to sleep. I can’t stand being myself. I care too much for my best friend. I don’t understand it. I think I love her as more than a friend, even though we are the same gender. I have to force myself to support her when she tells me that she wants to be with a guy. I have to sit and pretend she isn’t sleeping with someone else. I have to pretend I don’t love her because it would ruin our friendship.Â But I love this person so much. I care about her so much, and I wish I didn’t. She isn’t even a kind person. She’s cruel and uncaring about others. I feel like I’m torturing myself. I’m so lonely that I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t got a single person in my life who I can talk to about this. My parents have a terrible relationship with me, my other close friend would think I’m disgusting, and I can’t tell my best friend that I care about her this much. I’m so lonely. I’m so tired of crying my eyes out every night, hoping that something will get better. I know it’s selfish to kill oneself, but I no longer care. I have so few people in my life who would miss me. Things in my family are already screwed up as it is. I have let myself go in many ways. I have no future ahead of me. There’s nothing going for me. I’m trapped where I am with nothing to look forward to. It’s been years since I started feeling this way and it’s not getting any better from here. I just can’t watch the person I love drift away from me anymore. It hurts so much that I want to throw up. What hurts the most is she has no idea how I feel, and I feel like I’m being stepped on. Even if I abandoned everything and somehow started over, the memory of this would crush me. I may be a selfish person, a pathetic and selfish person, but I can’t think of anything more comforting than ending it all. I don’t have anyone who cares about me anymore so what’s the point of sticking around for all this?
Three years ago this summer I lost my father. He managed to make it to my graduation and my first summer semester in college. However, towards the end of that summer my father decided to take his own life. To be a victim of SUICIDE.
During that summer, I lost three of my best friends. Not cause of death, no. But because we split up and went to different universities around the state. We do still talk to each other from time to time, its just hard to find another group of people that you share some of the same interests in, the same personalities, and same basic humor.
During that summer semester I joined a fraternity. They are a great group of guys. I came real close to some of them until this past spring semester. My closest friend in the fraternity decided to move back home after he graduated. so he’s about 5hrs away now and is staying there for good to find a career.
Another one of my closets friends here at school is about to leave in a few weeks. He’s going to school two states away. that is an 8hr drive from me.
Its just so hard to trust and be close to people when I know they are just going to leave me. I know it is just a part of growing up and moving on. But it just makes me so sad. I’m so bored with life because all of the positive people in my life are leaving.
I’m just upset and depressed about it all and I need to let someone know about it.
I’m Lily, I’m 15- I have social anxiety and I have no friends- well I have fake ones 🙁
Every day I go to school I feel alone and awkward when my friends are with their friends. I’m just standing there, I wish I was confident enough to make other friends but I’m not. My closest “friend” does her best to make me feel out of place by ignoring me and leaving me out of things. I’ve tried to tell them how I feel twice but they must think I am just trying to get attention or something. In a way I am trying to get attention, I’m trying to get my friends to actually care about my feelings- but obviously that isn’t possible. Every day after school I come home so depressed and I cry a lot and I just really need someone to talk to 🙁
I mean if my friends are treating me like this then they obviously aren’t that good.
I really need at least one true friend, but I don’t know how to talk to people or make friends.
I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself
I feel so alone and horrible- I’ve been thinking about calling a suicide hotline but that isn’t possible because I live in a country that doesn’t actually have one.
I don’t know what to do
Yesterday in a particularly bad time I decided I was finally going to end it. At that time (when I was clearly not thinking rationally), I was determined and committed. I have been depressed for a while but when this all happened something really horrible happened and I had no way to work through it on my own. I know everyone says that and I don’t want to say the entire story, but basically a person who had sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me for several years somehow got my contact information and called me just to fuck with my mind, and it set off a chain of events I couldn’t control.
Anyway, so, I sent my closest friend a goodbye letter/suicide note message. I didn’t tell her what had happened, I just said my goodbyes and stuff. I knew she wouldn’t get it immediately, but I wanted to make sure she’d get it. I wrote paper letters, too, but I wanted to be sure I told her that I was sorry, especially for breaking the promise I had made to her that if I ever felt suicidal I would call her first. The reason(s) I didn’t call her were because I knew she was at a funeral, busy, and unlikely to answer and, because, well, I really wanted to succeed.
When I went to actually do it I decided that I wanted to die remembering good things, so I pulled out my iPad and started looking at photos of friends and stuff. And before I could do anything to myself I just started bawling (I’m a guy so I don’t cry, ever). At that point I was so exhausted (hadn’t slept or eaten in days) that crying that much eventually knocked me out, I guess, and before I knew it I was being awoken by the cops knocking on my door (my friend got the message and called).
I’m worried that she’s going to hate me for breaking the promise I made to her. I’m worried she’s going to have somehow heard that I actually didn’t do anything to myself and jump to the conclusion that I sent her that message for no reason or didn’t go back to retract it when I was okay and not let me explain and hate me for that. I’m worried she’s going to notice that the hospital didn’t put me on a 72-hour hold (honestly a bad move on their part, but I’m not surprised) and believe that I lied about everything and that’s why I got out so early and hate me for that. I’m worried that she’s going to say that being friends with me has gotten to be too much and never speak to me again. Rationally I guess there’s no indication for this and rationally I would be surprised if she ever did, but I’m just really scared because (a) she means so much to me and (b) that’s how everyone else has treated me in my life (why I’m so worried about losing the one person that doesn’t treat me that way).
I called her and sent her an email to apologize for putting her through all of this and thanking her for calling the police. She’s at work and I haven’t heard from her but I can’t help but panic. Can anyone talk me down?
For so long…. My life has been one giant fuck up. I wont lie, Ive done a lot of bad things in my life. But thats not why I want my life to end…. A few years ago I lost my closest friend in the world. No, He didnt die… I suppose its best to start this story from the beginning. Please forgive me for my poor grammar and punctuation.
From the third week I was born, I had my friend Quinn. He was like a brother to me, He never dodged my questions when I was down and needing advice. He talked me out of suicide even… It was nice to be able to come home after a long week of school away from my alcoholic dad and careless mother to someone who actually wanted to hang out with me, Someone who could tolorate me and give me just enough sanity to make it through to the next week…. He was always there for me and I was for him. We both got picked on in school for various reasons. I was weird, (I used to be fat), And all I did was play videogames…. Quinn did all that too but for some reason as we got older, He started making more and more friends who were on sports teams and in extracarricular activities.
His ideals never changed, Neither did his morals (yet)… He was there for me right up until the day I moved to Texas. Then and only then had I seen my brother shed a tear. Our whole lives the only friend and brother I ever had that had an ethical outlook on the world, Had never shed a tear in front of me. I knew what was going to happen…. Without me Quinn was going to crumble… And he did. Alcohol, Pills, Other various drugs had started to become a part of his life. As Quinn delt with more and more BS from his family and the other kids at school. He finally tore his life apart after 2 years of me being away. And so did I.
(Dont get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional drink and Joint, But he was into some seriously heavy stuff)
When I had finally came back after 2 long years, I saw my friend. He had changed, Became a more bitter person… Well lets jump foward ahead 2 years. My ex and I had gone thru a fucked up relationship and we broke up, She went to Quinn….. This was it…. This is what really ended it. He got her pregnant….. I fell apart and ive been living the last 3 years of my life working dead end jobs, smoking weed, and wollowing in my own silence and self pitty… Waiting in hopes that someday my friend will come back, Someday ill find that friendship again with someone else. But every minute ticks by and the world just becomes a darker place….
I hate this planet, I hate it and all the people in it. Especially the ones who have bullied other kids in school and not knowing the kind of damage they do to people…. It sickens me…. This whole THING we call modern society, Makes me sick to my stomach. Every girl Ive ever been with or met has been a total slut, Every person ive met and grew up with doesnt have a personality. The world is filled with pant sagging “Swag having” trend following, Mindless, arrogant DICKS! And im tired of it. Do you know how far mankind could have progressed in just the last 10 years alone if we had avoided going to war and focusing on stupid “political” arguments. I use the word “political” loosely because theres nothing political about what they talk about.
I mean, Half the things the world governments debate about anymore as serious issues are “abortion” and “whats morally right”….. FUCK whats morally right! The entire PLANET is crumbling because of the stupid people in politics. And its not just America, Its not just republicans or democrats. NO! ITS EVERY FUCKING COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! How about the world governments come together, Pull troops out of unÂ necessary territories, Get rid of currency, let women have their rights, focus on advancing worldwide knowledge of science, and FOR FUCKS SAKE! CHURCH AND STATE ARE SEPERATE!
Thats another thing that makes me want to blow my brains out! Fucking religion! Its fantastic if you have one, Good for you. But you know what, Were living in an age where “faith” isnt “faith” at all. Its an excuse to get attention on facebook, Collect money from the anempt, And molest children (I.E. The Catholic church) Look, Im not a religious person, Ive died before… Drown to death as a matter of fact, When I was 9. I didnt see a light… I didnt feel the burn of hell. But even I can tell you, Religion is not being practiced in the proper way that it should by someone who truly has faith in his or her religion.
…… And to whom it may concern, Heres a little about me.
My real name is Connor, For as long as I can remember Ive had a fascination with the Universe. I wanted to be a theoretical physicist or an astro physicist. I Dropped out of High school my 11th grade year, But I could tell you anything you want to know about our universe… I love wiener dogs and video games and nature and camping and writing. I was always different in school because I was the kid who did science experiments at home and took notes. I dont believe in giving up on a dream…. But whats the point in living your dreams if the world around you is a nightmare?
I like to cook and grill. I love to travel. Ive seen the beautiful shores and lush jungles of Hawaii, Ive lived in Indiana 4 times, Texas 2 times, and Ohio 1 time. I like classical music and classic rock. I love hunting and fishing and going on hikes… 6ft 2 inches tall, Hazel/gold eyes, 176lbs.
Well Im going to stop myself here. Readers, Thank you for your time. I hope all of you can someday understand and see the world as I see it. Not a world whereÂ possession of a material objects and social standing make you aÂ superiorÂ person… But a world where a meeting of the minds makes you equal to your fellow man and woman.
P.S. I have attempted suicide before…. I attempted to shoot myself with a 7x62mm 1932 bolt action Russian mosin nagant… The bullet didnt go off when I pulled the trigger.
Yesterday I lost my closest friend. He just stopped talking to me, he won’t reply to me, and he usually replies really fast.
I know he hates me, but I don’t understand why.
He happens to be best friends with my worst enemy, and she tweeted indirectly “So glad he has finally seen your true colours”, but the thing is that I haven’t done anything that could make him angry at me.
He really liked me, and I don’t feel the same way about him, and when I told him that, he hated me, but then we sorted it out. He said he cared about me (we were best friends after all), but now he has just disappeared. He has walked out of my life.
The worst part is that he has left with no explanations, and no reasons. If he truly cared about me; he wouldn’t be so quick to take whatever someone says about me, and believe it. If he wanted to know something, he could have asked.
He wanted to know why I would never tell him about personal things (depression, self harm, etc), well, this is why.
I knew something like this would happen. I’ve gotten used to it.
Recently my best friend(Shania), who I am so close to I consider a sister, lied to me. We started fighting when she started dating a guy named Anthony… When they were dating I told her “If you two do anything then you will loose respect that I have for you.” she told me she wouldn’t… they ended breaking up a few months later, then a few weeks later everyone started calling her ‘Squirt’ or ‘Squirtle’. I then asked them why they were calling her that, so they told me “Anthony and her had sex in the back of his car and it was all wet.” the next day I told Maddie “I don’t know what or who to believe if they did or didn’t have sex.”…Maddie told me “Oh it’s true, they did do it. Anthony texted me and told me they did it. So I texted Nia and said ‘So you and Anthony had sex?’ Shania replied ‘Yeah we did'”…..I was beyond pissed…. So I texted Shania saying “We need to talk.”, she called me saying “Want to talk now?” I told her yes. So I went to talk to her, before she could even say anything I yelled “You lied to me”, she said “What?”, I told her “You lied to me about having sex with Anthony.” She of course said “EW, why would I want to have sex with him?” I yelled “You fucking admitted it to Maddie, don’t fucking lie to me.” She said “Wow” and I walked off. Later that day she talked to Maddie saying “So you told Sabrina?” Maddie said “Yeah I did, she deserves to know.” Shania said “Well she wasn’t supposed to know”….. I can’t stop thinking about it. She said she was really sorry, I told her “Saying sorry justÂ isn’tÂ going to be enough this time.”……I don’t know if I’m mad or sad. Maybe I am feeling both, I just don’t want to lose her, she is the closest friend I have ever had… I literally cry because of how much I don’t want to lose her, I just am so mad at her for lying to me about it…..I don’t know what to do….
You never know how alone you really are until you look around and no one is there. Yes, I have friends who say that they’re there for me, but are they really? Well, that’s what they want me to think. By them telling me that they are, they think I believe it. Where are they now? Where have they been? They may be here physically, right beside me most of the time, but they aren’t really.Â For the last two years I have suffered from depression, gone though a long phase of anorexia, bulimia and cutting, no one knows about my struggle other than my closest friend, a friend that I am constantly there for, yet she gives nothing in return. She’s never there for me. Only when I make mistakes is when she comes along.
I’m the friend that always asks if every thing’s okay. And when I ask, I mean it. I’m one of the few out there that care, they may not think it but through all the shit I’ve been through, I know what it’s like to not have anybody and not have anyone ask me how I’m doing. I don’t want them feeling the same way. The feeling of loneliness, helplessness or weakness. It really sucks to hold everything in, keep it all bottled up inside knowing that you can’t say one word without being judged. I can’t even tell my own mom, she’ll judge me I know it, or I’m just telling myself that so I don’t end up feeling weak or pathetic. I’m scared she’ll judge me. I’m scared anyone will. I know people out there have it worse, but I just need someone to hear me out. Saying all this makes me feel weak and makes me feel like I’m a young girl who’s whining about her life, I don’t want that. But now you know a little something about me. I’m scared and alone.
I’m a 19 y/o girl who has done amazing things in life. People have told me this. I don’t feel amazing though. Yeah, I play the drums, attend culinary school, I’m known as the “church girl”. I never miss mass. Everyone see’s me with a smile. I don’t even want to smile. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times and no one knows that. I just saw a picture of someone with another person. Something I always was afraid of seeing. Someone who I gave my whole heart to…someone who I loved and cherished so much. I truly never got over this person. This is only part of the reason I don’t want to live anymore. Life has lost it’s meaning. I wanted to do big things in the world. I wanted to change people and bring them closer to God. I wanted to move people with my music. I could have been an actress if I wanted. I could have done a lot of things..
Now, I’m just laying here. I’m thinking of every possible way I can end this life. I’m selfish, I know. I have such a loving and devoted mother. My dad supports whatever I do. I have so many friends who love me for me. I’m unique, but this unique and imperfect girl wants to leave this imperfect world. I don’t know who reads these things. I’m planning on telling my closest friend tomorrow what my plans are. I hope she accepts me and for I’m going to say. I don’t want to live. If I have to wait til’ I’m 21 to buy a gun I’ll wait. But for now, I plan on not eating until I just can’t handle it. I want to feel pain. I want to cry all day and all night until God finally excepts me into his everlasting kingdom. I’m so ready for the next part of my life. I want to finally be unbroken. I want to smile and mean it. God, you know prayer. It’s been my prayer for 2 years. Please, God please do this for me. Im so ready. Please don’t let me die of a broken heart I can’t even look in the mirror. What I see I don’t like. Please take me. Please.
Well i want to kill myself. Its been that way for a few years and i mad 1 attempt so far (not recently). If been abused a little as a child, my parents divorced due to my dads drug addiction when i was in 4th grade. I never had a single friend till sophomore year in high school. Every one hated me even tho i was the quiet sit in the corner kid. I was extreamly bullied till high school. The reason im still here is because the 1st friend i made in high school made me think that life is worth living. Eventually i feel hopelessly in love with her and she was my first love even tho she never felt the same. I made some good friends who turned into a somewhat social person.
But when out off the blue sky my friend said goodbye to me because she hated my guts even tho i have never done anything to hurt her at all. She was my closest friend and my first love and just gone like that. I have a girlfriend who i have been with for a while and good friends but i just cant cope with that loss. After events that made me feel horrible following here leaving i honestly dont want to live anymore at all. Shes in my subconscious and in my dreams almost every night. I hate myself, i feel worthless, the thought of living sickens me. Even tho everyone i know would tell me im not and Its been this way for a over a month.
side notes: i hate the thought of institutions, i dont believe in talking to medical professionals and would hurt anyone that come in a truck trying to take me.
Hi all, in a way I not to sure what led me to this site, i guess I’m just looking for a place to vent how i feel without feeling like I’m “bringing people down” or in need of “growing up”.
I don’t really now where to start, kind of like how my life feels, just lost and floating around hoping for things to change or just get easier, lately iv felt so down i don’t know how to get back to feeling “OK”, I feel like i wake up each day expecting things to change but then i lie my head down at night and the day just feels just like yesterday and the day before that, I just feel tired like there’s Â no hope for a future, school was never an easy things and in the end i ended up getting kicked out without a single grade to my name, don’t get me wrong i never had it hard at school, i seen some kids just try to be somebody to be “noticed” in a way where as for me i never struggled with that, when it came to it i knew i had to correct my wrongs, i took a college course for 2 years got my grades to a decent level, kept in touch with the friends i cared for but never fully felt like it was enough (in a way it seems selfish, but its not intended i just want better for myself.)
Growing up i struggled mostly with fitting in, being in the closest never helped and iv still not managed to bring my self out of it, iv always feltÂ uncomfortableÂ meeting new people and id say i care more about the way im seen and how others view me so i can never truly just let things be and have a good time (i guess that’s where alcohol comes into play), i made some mistakes, lost a few friends, got random tattoos on my body, but over the years life just seems like one endless train, now when i look at who i am, i don’t see how i can change things, my routines the same. I work, come home maybe go see my closest friend which iv now fallen out with over something stupid, then sleep, i always think maybe tomorrow will be different a whole 24 hours for life to change a lot can happen in an hour so having 24 of them is more of a hope to look forward to, but life doesn’t i find my self driving home from work looking out the window thinking is this all life has to offer me, the same old town and places, the same Â old people and faces, and if I’m completely honest i just can’t be bothered to live anymore, and i hate that feeling, i see people with disorders or are dying and more than anything they just want to live, and here’s me, I’m healthy and have the world at my feet yet all i want is for it to be over, to see what the next chapter in life holds and leave the place we call earth and finally be at peace with myself.
The past few weeks have really been the hardest, i have no self confidence, haven’t been in a proper relationship for 2 years, bounced from job to job which tends to last 6 months at the most, I’m arguing with my best friend, the friends i do have are more company than friends, i think the only thing that has kept me here for so long is my family, my family are my world and i love them dearly, the one thing i cant complain about in life are my family, my mother and father have always given me what i wanted even when its been hard they always kept my feet on the ground and learned me to give back and respect other people no matter who they are, i have a younger sister who i look at each day and think your life is going to be incredible, she’s such a beautiful person inside and out, so respectful and caring, and she is my main reason for not raising the white flag and just ending it all, we have always been incredibly close and i try live my life learning her lessons on what and what not to do when she comes to the stage I’m at in life, but lately i feel like I’m hurting myself more dragging it out for other people when all i really what is to be at peace, a fresh start, even thought I’m only 20 and have so many more years to go i just can’t do it anymore and i don’t want to, I’m tired of friends treating me like an idiot and me always been the one that goes back or apologies first when I’m not normally in the wrong, or life making itself so much harder than it already is.
I guess thats all there is to it really, half of me wonders why i wrote this post and am about to click publish knowing im putting myself in a position where just about anyone can read my story and judge from any kind of angle, i think in one sence i just kind of needed to write it all out for myself (without sounding like a crazy person). like the title says, im just tired of the life iv lived, i feel like iv had a great amount of time here and im happy with the momories iv created but all i want most now is to be that unlucky person that gets hit by a car and doesn’t pull though, the person you read on the front of the newspaper and think what a terrible shame, because the differance is most of those people still had there whole life’s they wanted to live where as for me i don’t have anything more i’d like to stick around for, but on the other hand everytime i come to ending it all, i think what kind of example am i leaving my sister, when life gets hard just give up, but its so hard just dragging out each day hoping for a change.
if you did end up reading the whole thing or maybe even the first few lines of my essay, thanks, it nice to know people have time to try help a fellow person out when there in need, I’m just a lost soul looking for peace and right now I’m not to sure which decision is going to being me what im looking for, i guess ill just have to wait and see. again thanks.
The recession destroyed life as I new it. Having been laid off 3 times in 2 years, I left my home and started over in a new town. The first 10 months were a struggle to survive, and then it finally paid off. I landed my dream job. Still alone in this new place 800 miles from friends and family, I made the mistake of befriending a female co-worker. She approached me a couple of weeks after we both started working at the same company. She had moved to the same town with a boyfriend of 7 years and they had broken up. She was all alone and had no friends. We decided to start hanging out in the evenings and it grew into an amazing friendship. I started branching out and making new friends. Suddenly it was like a dream come true. I had a new life, a great future, and a new best friend who I cared about and cared about me.
Over the next few months we grew closer and closer. Her supervisor, who was lonely and going through a divorce got jealous. She started telling her lies that the executives were concerned we were dating. She convinced her our friendship was holding her back, and put all sorts of ideas in her head. She did this the week of her birthday. My friend would come crying to me that she loved hanging out with me and lets put this behind us and move forward, and it had actually brought us closer. Then this woman took it to another level, the details of what she did to scare her are insane. The result was, on my best friends birthday, she came into work, they both deleted me on facebook, she told my VP she couldn’t work with me anymore, and the 2 left early. I had to fight to save my job. I hadn’t done anything wrong except to be her friend.
They told me I was fine and to take the high road. I did, for 2 weeks, and for 2 weeks the situation got worse and worse as the two of them did everything they could to taunt me. I heard stories that this woman had done this before and had gotten people fired. I started having panick attacks and couldn’t sleep at night. I finally broke down and asked her if we could talk to try to bring peace to the situation. She got me fired for it. This same girl had told me for months how much she cared about me and how thankful she was to have me in her life. I fell in love with her but never tried to be more than a friend cause we worked together.
I am a professional in a specific field. There were no other jobs there. Having just gotten back on my feet, I didn’t have much in savings.
I had to move again to take a job in a more expensive place making less money. I have nothing saved for an appartment. I am stuck with my dogs in an efficient hotel. I lost all my new friends. I lost the job of my dreams in a place i fell in love with and had a great future. I am back to ground zero. I had to leave my things in storage 16 hours away. I am so torn apart by what I lost its all I think about all day. I’m not myself. I am distraught. I have talked to friends and family to the point they dont want to hear it anymore. I am 37. My dreams of still getting married and having children are crushed. Right now I can barely survive. There just aren’t many good opportunities out there doing what I do in a place I want to build a future. I see no way out of this other than to now live in misery and burn the rest of my 30’s and watched everything I ever worked for burn with them.
I dont want to get out of bed. Better yet, I dont want to be awake. Most people I know have families. Even in hard times they dont have to do it alone.
I was so lucky to have found an opportunity for a great future and the person I trusted most took it from me and its my fault.
The only way to escape the constant torment I go thru would be to leave this world. I simply do not have the resources to recover. I will most likely never get an opportunity like I had again, and what was a great life is now trapped in a hotel room for 9 weeks with 2 dogs and no life.
I’m scared I may take my own life at any moment. I dont want to do that to my mom, and I dont want to miss out on my own future, but the overwhelming feeling of loss, and that my life is ruined it too much to bear. My mind wont let me move on.
After all the bullshit, the hospital, etc. I felt no more ‘better’ than I did before all of that crap (read my other posts to find the other shit I have been going through). I actually feel much much worse than before (this post explains most of it).
I was trying to find just one reason to stay alive, and figured I could make one with my XGF. I figured we could try things again. I figured I could stay permanently, and make the kid’s life better. Now that she has no chance, the poor kid will go through “father” after “father” after “father”. She claims she knows what a ‘father figure’ is, and she says her in-law is already a father figure… Well, FYI, a father is someone who is around ALL of the time, not some of it… A father is home 24/7 with kids except for work and maybe the occasional outing.
I thought two shitty lives could make a good life… She disagrees… But she is wrong. Had she not screwed every chance of her even being a close friend any more, she would have figured it out… We could have been happy. Her child could have had a decent father figure around, and one that would stay… Well, she fucked all that up. I would have been happy.
Now as a result of her calling my life ‘a breeze’ compared to hers, I have lost all respect for her. She is now joining the rest who DO NOT UNDERSTAND by saying “life is what you make it”. Well, OBVIOUSLY this is NOT TRUE, because I would NEVER EVER make my life a shitty one, or anyone else’s for that matter.
Not even my closest friend understands, and now I have lost her. She knew more about me than my own freaking mother. She doesnt realize yet what she just screwed up….
I guarantee she will go from guy to guy to guy without realizing she is hurting her child more…
I am glad IÂ didn’tÂ get too close to her kid, although he did get attached to me (or maybe it was myÂ iPhoneÂ he liked to play games on haha)…. I feel just this may hurt him to find out I am not going to be around any more… Oh well, at least it was not my fault, and at least the kidÂ isn’tÂ heartbroken (not yet anyways).
You see? This is EXACTLY why I thought this might be a BAD idea… YouÂ didn’tÂ understand now, and I bet you still don’t understand or ever will.
I just lost my only true friend. My closest friend. I no longer have any reason (or hope for a reason) to live anymore… I was scrapping for one reason to live, and that would have been it, we COULD have been happy.
I don’t think I will ever be happy again. I just lost the only thing in my life thatÂ DID matter, all for her stupid nonsense. And then she blames it on me… Well I am not the one who started the day off with “your life is a breeze compared to mine”.
Good luck finding someone who cares just as much about your kid as he does you. You just lost a decent person (yes there is at least 1 of those in the world) and good luck finding another. I happen to know that 99.9% of guys are dicks, abusive, or otherwise unpleasant.
It sounds weird, but I’ve been in a way, staking your profile on here since you sent me your first post. That’s how much I care. Why? Because if you DO do it, I don’t want to learn from some depressing story on the news. Either way it wouldn’t be any fun… Maybe it’s because I don’t want another Aunt Cheri. Well, that’s actually one reason… Another reason? Because you are my closest friend. Even though I’ve only seen you in person twice, you are the only one that knows about 90% of my secrets. I just wish you would tell me when you want to swallow a bottle of pills, jump from the edge, die. In all Â honesty (actually, more like 98% honesty), I don’t want to think you will do it. IfÂ you were to do it, you would have tried a lot more seriously. I know, that is really bitchy, but still. There’s something holding you down. Something keeping you from dying. I think it’s that same thing that made me freak out and tell my mom I had taken over 40 pills on my 14th birthday.
But, theres that 2% of me that believes you. That 2% that believes someone (most likely your dad, I’m assuming) Â will push you over the edge. That someone will give you a reason to kill yourself. And that 2% is slowly killing me. And I wish it would just go away…
Please, Devin (and every other teen who wants to kill themselves), don’t do it. Because, right now on this earth, are at the very least, 17 people (I say 17, because 7 is a VERY magical number.) who would rather be burned alive than hear that you killed yourself. Whether you have met them yet or not. You see, I have this theory, that if one person dies, the entire world and it’s future or present events can be altered. Say you cure cancer when you are older, then if you die now, then the world will be down millions of cancer patients. Say you meet a stranger in your future, and you are her reason for being alive, then if you die now, she will die later, and then that willÂ ultimatelyÂ change the future too. This probably makes no sense, and now we probably are all wondering how the hell I got to running off on this tangent, I don’t know either. But still YOU ARE FUCKING IMPORTANT. Don’t believe me? I am one of those 17 people who would rather burn alive than hear of your death.
I’m really confused right now, I told my closest friend today for the time that i cut, and she didn’t even seem to care. She just kinda blew it off, like I had just told her what I ate for lunch or something. What if my parents told her I had killed myself? Would she have cared then? I just am very confused on the whole situation…/: someone please help.
I have been planning for months. I told my friends and they don’t believe me. I told my therapist and she thinks I should go on medication. I have borderline personality disorder and ever since I have been diagnosed with it it has made me feel even worse. I never wanted an excuse. I don’t want to know the reasons why I act. I don’t want to realize that it’s my fault everyone has left me. So I’m done. I’m going to buy a couple bottles or boxes of pills from several stores so they can’t restrict what I buy. I’ll get alcohol from guys I’ve been meeting online. I’ll drive myself out to the middle of nowhere and abandon my car and phone, getting myself lost. I’ll drink the alcohol and take all the pills. I’ll die slowly and painfully somewhere no one will find me and I won’t be able to find help. I deserve a painful death. Why not die painfully when my whole life has been that way? It makes the most sense.
I asked my friend if she would take care of my cat for me when I’m gone. She said okay. My other friends gave up on me or don’t think I’m serious.
The day I’m going to do it is my birthday. I picked that day because it’s probably the worst day of the year for me, and has been since the day I was born. It marked the beginning of my horrible life, it marked the day my closest friend sexually abused me, and it’ll mark the day that I die.
Posting here may be a last ditch effort or something. I dunno. Maybe get my story out somewhere. Like a suicide note or something when the police search my computer or something.
Before, I tried suicide. Got locked up in a loony bin for a while. It’s never left my mind. I want it—even now. As we speak. I need it. But more than anything right now, I just want to talk to somebody. I don’t know. Here’s something I thought was the last thing I would ever write; guess I was wrong.
Throughout all the noise,
Withstanding all distraction.
The first form of a laugh,
Starting in your throat.
The calm overwhelms,
Pats your hand, Strokes your hair.
Fatal Reassurance .
What you once feared most ,
Now your closest friend.
A smile on your face,
Until the very end.
4 years ago, I tried to kill myself… the biggest regret in my life is that I failed. Today, my best friends mom called me to tell me that he no longer wants to be my friend. 22 years old and he can’t even tell me that himself??? I have stupid small medical problems, one after another, constantly holding me back from completely being healthy. Nothing major like cancer or anything, but still big enough to keep me down. And now this… my closest friend decides to drop me, and actually blocked my phone number so I couldn’t even ask him why. Why do I feel this way? There are so many people out there who have it so much worse than me… and yet, I have less resolve than them to keep my own life and keep going. Why is the world like it is anyway? Why do people only care about themselves… like my douchebag friend. And why do I still care about this person? How does everything get so messed up that we even consider something so severe as ending our own lives!? Why do I still consider it even after i know its stupid. And even more importantly, what’s the point of living in this world when all that most people really care about is only themselves?
I wrote my first blog here earlier last year:Â A Wasted Life… and hopefully my last is going to be posted sometime next year. This one was quite unplanned and most unexpected but after thinking about it for a little while, I just had to go ahead and write it… okay, so here goes. I live with two people who I greatly care for but one of them’s like seriously terminally ill and he isn’t really capable of taking care of himself anymore, he’s also extremely isolated now since he’s pretty well housebound most of the time. I’ve been living with him for years, trust me it’s a very long story, and in many ways he now completely depends on me. But in recent years I’ve grown soo incredibly tired of this pathetic excuse for a life that I don’t think I’m capable of going on that much longer, because the numbing pain within has just become too overwhelmingly great for me to cope with. There’s obviously quite alot of personal stuff that I’m not willing to mention here about our relationship, for the reality is it’s simply way too complicated to put into words that do it justice. But suffice it to say that while at times I do love him with all of my heart, at other times I absolutely hate his guts! As someone who’s unquestionably been my closest friend over the years he’s done so much for me that I could never hope to repay him, yet he’s also been responsible for other things that’ve had a rather negative effect on my life. I’ve also increasingly come to feel like I’m trapped in a situation with someone who thinks he’s personally obligated to keep me alive no matter what the cost and even if it’s completely against my will, and that bloody infuriates me no end!
Alright soo basically the thing is that the intense guilt I’m currently feeling about what’ll happen to him after I’ve suicided has become immense, yet as deeply as I care for him at 37 I can’t really be expected to stay around in a life I don’t want to live just for him. So at the moment I’m at a total fucking loss as to what I can possibly do in the short time that I have left to make my death a little easier on him. And oh yeah I am definitely planning to go ahead with killing myself sometime over the coming year, if all goes well… huh, that’s not my problem. I suppose when it boils down to it I’m just worried sick about what’s going to happen to him in the wake of my untimely demise though maybe at this late stage I just have to trust in the few people that he’s truly close with to rally round him, I mean honestly, what else is there I can I do now?
Yours Always, Shelly.