Why did I have to sink this low? I opened up a new chapter in my life, graduated and got a job. I told myself that I’m going to try hard. I thought finally I found something I’m good at, some way to fit in society in a productive way. It was far from the truth.
So far I feel like I suck at my job. I suck at everything about it from the core of the job to communicating or even socializing with my coworkers.
I just can’t concentrate and keep my mind clear. I can’t focus when so many distracting thoughts pop in and out of my mind. Unintelligent, emotionally charged impulses that cloud my mind and turn me into a zombie. A shell of my former self…
A part of me has hope, it’s the helpless dreamer
I really haven’t been on here for some months now because I thought it was just a waste of time…But it was a while back an I just got into this mood where I didn’t communicate with anyone I stayed in my room everyday I didn’t even leave to go anywhere, I just want to get back into that mode because me communicating n forgiving is making me miserable every single day and I don’t say anything I just play along with the joy everyone thinks I have…..
Ever feel like you can’t get any words out? Let alone care enough about communicating? I guess it’s my way of saying fuck you to the world, just ignoring everyone and everything. In life is death, in death is life. Bringing an end to an inevitable miserable life is not cowardly, at least it will be on my own terms. You know what pisses me off the most? These “social norms” that we are all supposed to abide by. The “how are you”, “I’m good thanks and you” get pretty fucking old very fast. I guess I’m just sick of it all. I’m sick of you, I’m sick of myself. How on Earth am I supposed to be happy when I have such a fundamental problem with myself? Yeah yeah, tell me to accept myself and everything.. I say fuck that, I don’t want myself and I don’t want you.
I think most of us here have a lot in common. Details might be different from situation to situation, but at the core there are a lot of similarities.
Some here have a reason to live, and I think that is great. Some, like me, don’t. And that sucks.
But, for most of us in that second group, we have another thing in common. There is that one thing that could change that.
For me that one thing is quite simple. If only if she would just be my friend again. Not asking for anything more than that. Just friendship.
Even if the possibility of getting back together wouldn’t be an option. Even if it had to be a secret. Even if it was communicating just once a week. I would gladly take it. Beggers can’t be choosers.
Maybe even if one of the kids wanted to communicate. That would certainly be enough for me. Any connection with them would be enough.
Sure, the pain and despair would still be there. But I would have a reason to live again. I would have my will to live back intact.
And that would be enough to fend off my suicidal thoughts. Because without that, it’s just a matter of time before I succeed.
First post..the thought/idea of killing myself has become more and more reoccurring. I’m so confused. I don’t understand communication, the useless topics and small conversation that just passes time. Everyone seems so comfortable in their lives, and know what to say or what their doing, I care alot about what I sound like-If i sound stupid, or “cool?” I dont want to be like this, I want to be truthful to myself, and I try too, but how do you stop caring what other people think? And fucking thoughts..what the fuck do you do with thoughts when you do not believe in or know they are not true but your mind just seems to spew them out for the fuck of it, for a reaction from your ownself. idk if that makes sense but..my thoughts kill me and i dont know how to change them or my state of mind..Ive been through a bad break up (6mo long) and I still constantly think about all the shit I said, or ways I didnt communicate and mountains of regret pile up (its been 2 years) in high school I went through a bit of a pill dependency just because friends were doing it and i said fuck it, but then I got attatched because the pills made me come out of my shell, after i dropped out of highschool, i hung out with a bad friend just because I didnt know how to be my own friend and had no idea what to do with myself or my life. I have no friends now and I really enjoy not having any because my view is that if i cant help/contribute love to myself, how the hell can I know how to be a friend to someone else?!
The truth is I want to be independent and help myself…so question: How can you help yourself? How do you talk to yourself? sorry for the rant..just need some help.