i took another walk with my ex tonight. i struggled to maintain a conversation because my mind was so empty. we continued to walk for 30 minutes and when we returned to my house, i sat on the pavement and started crying. i don’t know why i was crying. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel numb to the point where i cry in pain when i am unable to understand the pain. everything feels wrong. for some reason i have a gut feeling that my ex is struggling or suffering and not telling me about it, but i think that i […]
next year I’m supposed to go to college
but when somebody asks me what do I want to study I don’t know what to say to them.
I never thought that I would make it pass this age.
Don’t be confused, this isn’t a survivor story, I’m not happy to be here.
I feel so lost and they expect me to think of something to study next year but I don’t want to do anything with my life
I’ve never planned to turn 18 so my future is really foggy, to be honest
Been awhile since I’ve been on here….
horrible year
horruble month
horrible week
horrible night
im lying in bed i feel pain, extreme anxiety, exhausted hurt, familiar anger and confusion.
Am I that stressed out I don’t know what the f*** to do?!?! dare I say it but have I hit bottom? (Pffft if my past tells me anything I have a heck load left)
reading my previous posts… so depressed….
i am still depressed. But It’s mixed with an annoyance. I’m annoyed at myself. Last night (my stomach just flipped) was disgraceful. How could I possibly allow myself to be in that position? Why the hell have I put complete wankers around […]
I’m starting to permanently make up my mind when it comes to suicide. I’ve had suicide attempts before and I’ve bounced back from depression at times, but this time it’s different. This time I can feel something pulling me towards death. It’s as if the world wants to take me back or as if death has fallen for me and it wants to take me home. I’m scared of shooting myself, I’m scared of waking up in a place full of pain and suffering despite the fact that I want to die in order to escape the daily pain I feel.
I have no idea what […]
Lets see…
…where to start
. . .
[…]
why can’t anyone ever help me? I’m sitting here with a razor googling how to correctly slit my throat. Yes it’s gruesome but I want them, my family, cousins, ex friends to see that I’m not lying. My depression has a hold on me. They all say get over it. Stop faking it. Stop saying your going to kill yourself. So my previous attempts were what?! Bullshit?!?!
I haven’t showered in weeks. I’m 45 kilos. Not to be stuck up but I’m pretty and naturally blessed with my body. Now… I can’t get up and shower.. I stink. My face is hollow. They say shower seriously, […]
i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake […]
Wow… it has been over three years since I have been on this site. I found a new site I have been posting on more recently called inkvite. But I would like to take a step back and tell you my story…
As a child I had extremely bad separation anxiety but none of my doctors ever believed my mom. As I got old my mom noticed characteristics of ADD/ADHD in me and she tried to get me tested but no one would test me. She eventually gave up her fight.
As a middle schooler things started getting bad. I was always picked on and bullied. […]
People have told me a lot of stories about rape.
They’ve told me how to be careful when I walk alone at night,
And how men in trench coats come out of dark alleys.
They’ve told me to kick them in the groin and run,
To scream for help.
People who can calmly tell you how they were almost caught,
How a stranger followed them down a sidewalk and made a grab,
And how they fought back and won.
How the offender’s in jail and their life is back on track
how happy they are.
But no one talks about how they didn’t fight.
About how they […]
i need someone to talk to…
i can’t deal with all the voices, the pain, the loss, the live…
i never noticed how heavy air is…
i wanna be me again… before all this happened…
the only way is to start again…
email me : keza.talwar@gmail.com
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Off subject but how do you post videos?
I have fully recovered from my recent attempt, physically speaking. I had an epiphany during this experience, that my life does matter, that I matter; but that feeling of inner strength blew out so quickly and too easily. I’m left here feeling hopeless and empty again, and that’s why I’m frustrated. I’m either feeling numb, sad, mildly euphoric, or feeling too energetic and irritable (mixed episode). Currently, I’m not suicidal, but I do feel self-destructive at least once a day, if not more often, and when those feelings and emotions become irritating or overwhelming, I turn to alcohol, again. All though, I’m feeling slightly proud […]
So, I’ve sort of started taking steps to appear more like the physical sex that I currently am not…. I kind of shaved most of my body a bit ago, and I shaved a bit again today…. It bothers me though that I can’t get all the little rooty bits of facial hair out threw shaving though, maybe I will have to go with waxing, but that’s expensive I guess I’ll try plucking first…… meh I don’t know why, but I kind of really just wish I could be female right now, It’s so confusing. As I also don’t want to be female either, yet […]
I don’t know if I’m truly in crisis or just experiencing an increase in intrusive suicidal/ self harm thoughts. I don’t know how to talk to my husband about it because I know it will upset him. I have everything prepared for my final exit right done to method, date and suicide not written. Still, part of me doesn’t feel like I need help. Sorry for the rambling, just really confused. I don’t know if I should reach out to my doctor for help, wait it out and see what happens or just follow through with my plan.
So, I ran away from home because I can’t stand my sister and mom anymore. I’m better on my own for now. I still feel empty and can’t get over my miscarriage. But along the way something changed. I met someone. A guy. He knows what has happened to me and has helped me through it even though I’m really difficult. I have feelings for him now. I’m confused and scared. But now he is not replying to me anymore. I thought he felt the same way and now I feel a little bit worse than before. Why whenever I let someone in […]
Sorry for the long whiney post I probably just sounds spoiled
So im now in my husbands aunt and uncles house.laying down and his first cousins bed her room is cute. What would have given to have a room like this while home . i had my own room but it was always undone. and when I was 15 my older cousin took my ipod radio and I didn’t have a TV the time so always in the dark like it like that. I actually got a TV when I was 18 it was a few months before I got married. And i used to stay […]
I’ve never felt so dead. You cant ever erase what you see or hear, the hurt will stay forever. This world is full of mean people. Therefore, I crash and burn, but sadly I always stand back up. I guess I’ll never learn.
I know how much my family loves me and I would never do anything to hurt them. I cannot escape this world, because loved ones keep me here. My past haunts me and so does the future. College is hard and I feel alone even though I am not. I put on a painted smile because I dont want them to know […]
I got my dog back.
At least I think so. My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom. I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.
I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her. It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right? Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at […]
Again, I can’t process anything. I woke up at 5am to see this on Facebook. All this time, since I left WV, I haven’t been able to process anything. I cried, some, after reading this and giving it a minute to sink in. The worst thing you’d ever want to hear. It’s so surreal. But this is the woman who took my cats when I lost my home. I ended up in KY when I couldn’t stay at the place I paid $1700 to move in to in OH. I lost that money and had only $800 left. It was too cold and cramped in […]
First of all, i want to make sure that you know, i would never take my own life.
I just currently finished yet another book about a girl taking her own life… Why, and how… Always a mystery.
Im not suicidal. I have never been. But for a long time i have been in love with the idea of the picture of taking my own life.
Always about how i would do it. How people would react. Would anyone regret things they did to me og what they never told me.
Who would find me, would anyone find.
I had the same crush about eating disorders.
I feel sick […]
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