Confused

Wow… it has been over three years since I have been on this site. I found a new site I have been posting on more recently called inkvite. But I would like to take a step back and tell you my story…

As a child I had extremely bad separation anxiety but none of my doctors ever believed my mom. As I got old my mom noticed characteristics of ADD/ADHD in me and she tried to get me tested but no one would test me. She eventually gave up her fight.

As a middle schooler things started getting bad. I was always picked on and bullied. It was seventh grade, when I started to crave attention. I was gymnast at this time, but I really just used it as an excuse when I began to break my bones on purpose. I just wanted to fit in. I enjoyed the pain I put myself through. But that’s also when rumors and name calling got worse. Rumors like: she does it on purpose or she just wants attention. Names like: cripple, attention whore, fake, faker, or criplet. That year my sister made it public that she was a lesbian, so people started calling me gay because I hung out with this other girl so much. Even though the rumor wasn’t true it still got under my skin. I started drinking, smoking, and getting high every now and then with her. My grades started dropping and my mind never stopped thinking. That summer was good and had a lot of good memories. Then eighth grade started and it seemed like everyone remembered rumors and got a new vocabulary. They started to call me names like drama queen, fat, whore, *****, slut, brat, hoe, spoiled, attention whore, and anorexic. My dad began verbally abusing me and I would never tell my mom what I was going through. I bottled everything inside and somehow I had to make the pain go away and that’s when I began to cut. Soon enough it kept going and I was thinking about suicide. Well sure enough it was that day, but my attempt failed because my cousin realized that I wasn’t okay. When I went to school the next day I felt as though everyone could see through my fake smile. I cried in the bathroom stalls, praying for help, and screaming inside; but no one saw that. The only person they saw was an attention seeking, drama queen, who always over reacted. I stopped eating, I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin anymore. I even passed out a couple times at school due to starvation and dehydration. My grades kept sinking and nothing was going right. And then it was summer and I stopped my bad habits of drinking, smoking, and getting high. I got closer to God that summer but it seems all a dream now.

When high school began first semester was great and I met new friends and dropped bad friends. During second semester I started hearing more and more rumors again. Now bullying had gone from just verbal to physical. So then the cutting started again and it became an addiction because I couldn’t stop I had to cut every day the voices would tell me. One day school was so bad, I took scissors to the bathroom and cut six times. My best friend at the time Brittany, knew I had been crying and when she saw me in class she slammed her hands down on my desk and said “Alright whose ass do I need to kick”. I just laughed, a real laugh that I hadn’t heard in a while, and shook my head. This actually ended up saving my life that night.

It was summer again and everything was well until my “friend” Rebekah texted me and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. It tore me apart. I got my gun I had hidden under my bed, I placed it up against my temple, and pulled the trigger. The gun wasn’t loaded. Later that summer I found out it was a dare and she actually followed through with it. She apologized and I forgave her. But we haven’t talked since.

In tenth grade everything started out okay, until drama started. I honestly can’t even remember exactly what it was about but I know it lead me to terrible things. I didn’t eat for weeks. I lied to my parents told them I ate lunch, but I would purge after dinner. I got a boyfriend… His name was Trey. I thought he was a good guy until he began sexually, physically, and verbally abusing me. My cousin actually broke up with him through a text message for me because I was so afraid of him. At the time we broke up I was talking to another guy his name was Nick. I screwed up my relationship with my family because no one ever told me he had actually dated my cousin. And turns out my whole family still thinks I broke up with Trey for Nick, which was not the case but yet I couldn’t tell them the truth. I told my mom I was cutting only because my Trey threatened to tell her if I didn’t get back together with him. I broke her heart down to tiny pieces, the one thing you never want to hear your mother say is “I’m not a good mother to my daughters.” She blamed herself for my sister and I’s decisions we made. She sent me to a counselor and the counselor helped some and she also sent me to a nutritionist whom I hated, that diagnosed me with anorexia. I was diagnosed and put on medication for depression and anxiety by my psychologist. I started cheering at a local all star gym and I had stopped cutting for a month. Then my mom and I started fighting, arguing, not seeing eye to eye. It was to the point I wanted to move out of that house or just die. We were on a family vacation at Disney World in Florida, that is when my dad hit me and my mom saw it. But this wasn’t the first time it had happened, it was only the first time my mom knew about. I thought my family was going to be torn apart, I knew it would be my fault, and I was scared. I kept the past abuse a secret from everyone. But I met a girl that was a little older than me, she was actually considered a coach at the gym. But one night she decided to message me on Twitter because my tweets sounded upsetting and she wanted to check on me. She changed my life. She’s always called me her lil and she will forever be my big. We share many unforgettable memories together and we are always there for each other. But things got bad and I started cutting again, not eating again, and was sent to Cone Behavioral Health Center and was kept there for the weekend. Once I was released and able to cheer again that is what I did.

I then got another boyfriend, Josh, a preacher’s kid. I met him through his sister because his sister and I cheered together. I thought I was head over heels for him until he began to treat me as a sex toy. So I felt not good enough, not pretty or perfect enough for him to actually care for. I stopped eating again, I was rushed to the hospital due to lack of nourishment and dehydration. He came to see me in the hospital, but he left when I had to stay over night. We got into a fight because my parents found out we were having sex, and that was it. I lost him and my “little sister” at the same time. My parents were still fighting with me, but I was doing well only cutting every now and then. Thanks to my “big” for helping me, supporting me, and loving me through all the ups and downs.

That summer I did some things I really regret because I think back to them and all I want to do is go back and never let them happen but I can’t. My cousin and I started to have feelings for each other… and it all started the day he jokingly smacked my butt. Things escalated from there, but we never had sex. We were at my Nana’s one night together and I was getting something to drink out of the refrigerator and he walked up behind me and grabbed my waist and pulled me backwards towards him. In that moment my Nana comes out of her bedroom and sees us. She starts yelling at us. I run to my bag, grab my blade, go to the bathroom and cry and cut and text my mom before the word gets to her before I do. I have never felt like a bigger disappointment to my entire family… I felt like everyone knew by the time I saw them all again. I was so embarrassed but it soon passed over. We both still talk and hangout now but we are never as close as we used to be.

I was now a high school senior and I had another boyfriend he first treated me with respect, care, and love and I fell for his games. Soon it was just a relationship that revolved around sex, again. I started to feel like that was all I was good for. Nothing made sense for me to be alive anymore because no one would ever treat me like the human being that I am. I dealt with bullying from my peers while I dated him because he was twenty and I was only 16-17. He broke up with me over the phone because he “needed space” it killed me because he was the first guy to actually treat me like a girl should be treated.

It was about mid September of 2014, when things got bad again. I didn’t want to go to school, I begged mom to home school me, I had panic attacks every day at school more than one every hour. School was literally killing me. Mom took the time to research what she could do to help me. She found a home-bound student program that took a while to go through. So I stayed at home, while once a week, one teacher would come to my house to give me work, pick up work, watch me take tests, and help me however I needed help. My life started turning around and I had planned to graduate early.

I was tested for ADD/ADHD in January 2015, finally I got the help I needed all along. ADD/ADHD stands for Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder, however I have a rare form of the disorder that connects to anxiety, depression, anorexia, and suicidal thoughts and actions. The doctor took me off my depression medication and put me on a starter dose of ADHD medication. All this time I was finally out of high school and I was still cheering for my all star team, I still had my “big,” but now I was on a younger team. I became a role model to most of them, but I became a big sister to one of them. I took her in just like my big took me in. This sisterhood brought joy to my life. I started to get better like really better. I was happy. I started going to college cheer practices and eventually tried out for my college cheer team. I didn’t want to find out if I made the team or not until after my all star teams last competition and I wanted to find out with them because they are the people who impacted my life so much that I wanted to keep going. That day after competition, Mother’s Day 2015, I cried tears of joy with my team because I knew it was the end of one journey and the beginning of another because I made the college team. That competition weekend I became really close to my “lil’s” family. She had a brother, Christopher, whom I began to be interested in. I had told myself and her before that I would never do that mistake again. But it wasn’t a mistake at all. I started dating him May 25, 2015. I opened up to him about my life and my past and he’s supported me, encouraged me, and helped me through every step of the way.

The summer before my freshman year at college was hectic to say the least. Running around town shopping for those “dorm essentials” and he followed me every step of the way. I had to have knee surgery that jeopardized my potential cheerleading career because I tore my meniscus. But he was there through it all, taking care of me when he could, giving my mom a break. His sister/my “lil” got mad/upset with us, it tore me apart to a point I thought about saving our friendship over my relationship. But I talked to their mom about things because if anyone knew both of them the best it was definitely their mom. She said to keep trying for my “lil” and trying to involve her. She said she would realize one day that she is going to be okay. Even though he had one more year of high school and we knew the distance would be hard we persevered. As a college freshman cheerleader, life was busy to say the least. If I didn’t have class, I had practice or lifts; if I didn’t have practice or lifts, I had a game; if I didn’t have a game, I had homework; if I didn’t go home, my family and Christopher would come see me. But my friendship with my “lil” started drifting away no matter how hard I tried. I felt like a failure and I cut again. I had forgotten how amazing it felt. That winter I was able to talk to my “lil” and spend some important time with her and we have been sisters ever since.

Summer 2016 rolls around and freshman year felt like a big blur. I had lost weight but gained muscle and I was happy with my body. But I had torn the same meniscus as the year before, but I had surgery earlier that summer. And he again took care of me whenever he could, balancing out school, homework, and chores. Soon our one year rolled around, I couldn’t believe after all these relationships ending at about two months each I had been with Christopher for a year. He got me a promise ring and I had never felt more special, real, or loved ever before. I secretly went to “Senior Week” with Christopher. I had alcohol again, but not too much. But I really did have fun, it was a big step for me to get out there but I am glad I did. But at the end of summer it was hard… He had made a promise to come to college with me the following year. I had warned him about the expense. I told him he didn’t have to come. But he promised me. When it started getting closer to time to start back he realized the truth in what I had been telling him. And he broke that promise. We got through it though. And I went back to college but this time as an education major and a normal sophomore.

Fall semester of sophomore year was really stressful for me. I was taking too many credit hours and becoming more stressed. I started realizing the people around me that had become friends to me were actually hurting me more. I cut every so often.. I distanced myself away from them only to find a really good friend. Me and my boyfriend are great. I am still fighting anorexia, cutting, and the constant voices in my head. I have new medications for panic attacks and anxiety, ADHD, insomnia, and allergies. I have now been diagnosed as ADHD, severe anxiety, mild depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS), Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), asthma, and other allergies. These disorders are not exactly a choice… because if they were I wouldn’t choose them. But they don’t define who I am they just make my personality complicated. I write to vent, to keep me going, to help get emotions out a safe way.

I hope my story encourages you that even if you feel like you have hit rock bottom that there is always another perspective. I know that I am not perfect and I make mistakes but I am human. I am learning and growing to be better, it isn’t easy and I may fail. But one day it will be worth it. I’ve gotten closer with God recently thanks to the inspiration of NF music. But it doesn’t make the relationship with him any easier. I do know this, that God still loves you no matter how many times you fail, disappoint, or push him away.

Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

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