Life – 567,983,122……. Me – 0…. That’s how many times I’ve been kicked in the balls, it’s a rough estimate of course but I don’t think I’m off by much, just something else taken from me. Not another child or grandchild this time, another business, apparently I’m broke more than I figured and business partner and friend has been selling off equipment, and the rest is on it’s way. We never even got to get things up and running. $150,000. Worth of equipment has been sold for close to fuckin nothing, and all I can do is sit back and watch. At least I still have my good looks, wait…. no that’s not it. At least I still have my youth, no that’s not it either. I still have my self respect…… no, that’s been gone for awhile now. Hmmmmm. I’m gonna have to think about this for a minute…… To be continued…….. yes that’s a good ending….
No rants today for a change, just stuck inside of my mind. The one place I despise the most. I wonder why there are people in this world that want to live, but die. There are people in this world that want to die, but yet they live. That’s seems cruel to me sometimes. I know for myself it has been a constant struggle, trying to keep it together for the people in my life, especially when I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to deal with my so-called ” mental illness “. As a child I obviously didn’t know what was going on, and sometimes I still don’t as an adult lol. I do know that the self hatred has continued to grow and age with me. Everything and everybody that I loved most in this world is gone, and how I wish I could be with my son. Just to be able to see him smile again and not just in a picture, to hear him say ” it’s ok Pop’s, everything is gonna be ok “. And even though my other kids have moved on with their own lives and don’t have anything to do with me anymore. I still have my youngest daughter, and as much as I hate this miserable existence, I have to keep going for her. I only get my little angel on the weekend, and it hurts so bad every Sunday when I have to drop her off and tell her goodbye again. Then I get to be alone with ( ME ) like I am right now. Somewhere between heaven and hell. Unfortunately it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other people that are in their own personal limbo. And in a world as advanced as the one we live in, there’s no help.
I just noticed something about myself. I twitch my fingers when I’m annoyed/angry. Am I the only one that has such a weird tick? Also, I know I would be an awesome serial killer with a weapon glove. Joking aside, I almost strangled my grandfather today but I managed to hold myself back since there are too many witnesses… My continued existence is also why I’m not religious.
Of a lenghty e-mail reply. And the Wi-Fi connection to the lap top here decided to shit out. I’ve spent 3 hours trying to type. I’m unable to reset the internet until everyone is done using it. It’s just the lap top is having troubles troubleshooting.
I haven’t showered today. I ate however. Enjoying a beer, listening to clasical piano. My mother has been screaming and yelling all night. I told her something simple and she bit my head off pretty much. And has continued to bite my head of. Jesus woman calm down before I bite your head off. I would have so much to say to you, and frankly you don’t want to hear it.
depression is like trying to find your way in the dark your lost pumping into things and falling over all the time but hopefully one day we find the light switch
thanks for the support today guys it’s appreciated * hugs * *fist bump *
tomorrow another day for the battle to be continued
Family member yells get the fuck outta your room and help with dishes so i cover my cuts like I’ve been told to do and go out i start washing dishes then realize i have to roll up my sleeves my mom glares at me and whispers you better not be doing that for attention i said please step out of the kitchen so i can have room to move freely and do the dishes she walks out one of our guests comes over and stares at my arm then when i ask what’s wrong she just replied so you’re older now and i noticed you don’t really do much on holidays anymore i responded no ma’am I’m not really social anymore i will be when i go to college later this year though she replied what’s wrong with your arm my mom steps back in the kitchen well i got cut moving the propane tanks ma’am she replied oh you really should be careful those aren’t too serious but they could get infected i thanked her for her concern and asked her to step out so i could continue then told my mother she should watch my nephew so i could work in piece then the person who was helping me decided to leave i said so I’m supposed to do all these by myself he replied yeah i said you were supposed to help we fed 15 people today he replied i don’t care I’m going home just get it done so i continued to do dishes when i finished i rolled down my sleeves to cover my cuts i was called a few vulgar names by my family and then i returned to my room so yeah fuck me i tried to be polite how was everyone else’s night
It’s been a very long time since I’ve found myself in such a dark place. My husband of 6 years has betrayed me. When I became aware of this, we talked. As broken as I was, I tried to be level-headed as well as sympathetic to what he was going through that would lead him to do what he did.
The next two days, though difficult beyond words, he did exactly what I needed from him; we communicated, at length. He took responsibility for his actions, and we continued to talk. But then, he suddenly changed his tune. He became cruel. Threatening to hide even more things from me, insinuating that he was making plans to be with someone again. I don’t understand. I feel lost. I can’t eat, I haven’t eaten in days. I can’t stop trembling. I’m so confused, broken, and angry. I went to bed last night hoping I just didn’t wake up. But, here I am. Alive. Though really, I just want to disappear.
There was a boy and a girl. The two of them in a world that does not forgive mistakes. The boy had just come to this place, a place unlike any other. He knew not what to do, what was expected of him, he was ignorant.
The girl had been here for far too long, longer than the boy could ever imagine. She had learned long ago this place was strange and could not be compared to others.
The boy came here with scars covering him, too many to count and too many to see. He knew pain, oh he knew it well. It was like a mother’s love to him.
The girl hated the pain, saw it for the poison it was, the way it tore through her.
The boy had met her a few times, fleeting moments in time, but he remembered her when they met again.
She had noticed him too, saw him in a way that was deceiving, painting him in a light where the scars were no longer visible. Then she had stopped. Stopped what? She didn’t know, and she wasn’t meant to. They had gone their separate ways, found others to spend their times with.
The boy had been happy, almost euphoric in the way he felt.
The girl had been the happiest she’d known in a long time. This continued for a time, this happiness, but it shattered for them both at the same time.
The boy had realized the other was not happiness, but he fought for it, for he loved the pain. Even now he loved it.
The girl, had seen her other for what he was, and, hating the pain, left. She found a new other, an other that would never let her down, an other that made her happier than she’d ever been.
The boy continued on with his addiction to the pain. Enduring every time when it got particularly bad.
The girl was flying, and she was certain this could never end.
Seeing through the pain, through all the lies he’d told himself, the boy ran.
The girl had seen through this perfect prison. Seen the pain that lurked beneath the surface. She could not run, no. This is too much to run from.
The boy was free but he was not happy, no there was no more pain to infect him with, but he felt nothing with the pain gone. His other had robbed him of the pleasure of sensation.
The girl began to hurt again, she had traded places with the boy and was beginning to love the pain. To love the thing that tore through all the perfection and the lies.
The boy realized he was a fool for never knowing her before. He regretted every moment he’d spent doubting her. He wanted her, and it was bad
The girl however, was in no position to reciprocate what she may have once felt. She had to say no, even as they pressed their lips together.
The boy felt happy, felt he had done good. He was so wrong.
She was back in love with the pain again the very next day. She told herself it would be different this time, it would be better.
The boy lived in bitterness from her rejection. He did many foolish things out of spite to her.
The girl sent him off to fend for himself.
The boy went through many changes, even partaking in the pain occasionally. He never did fall in love with it again though.
One day the girl saw through all the lies again. It terrified her to see it all so clearly. She called upon the boy to help her. To please save her.
Knowing what he must do, the boy did his best to ease the pain and suffering. He tried to help. He had gained her favor and her forgiveness yet again.
She was not ready to leave the nurturing embrace of the poison however, and the new friendship almost failed in that time. It was obvious what they had now was different than before however and it survived through it.
The boy saw what was happening, and made a bold move. He intended to recreate what had happened before. The electricity of their lips touching, two souls alone in the dark.
She pushed him away. It was wrong of him to try to do this, especially now. She explained why.
Having ashamed himself once again, the boy returned to his home. The boy continued his friendship, although it was greatly strained.
After she had thrust the poison away from her she regretted it. She wanted it back, was begging for it to return to her.
The boy wouldn’t let her though, he just couldn’t. He tried to help and he failed. He only made things worse in the end.
She could not forgive him for what he had done. How dare he? How dare he play the part of a god in her life? What gave him that right?
The boy left her, but the friendship remained.
So here he is, writing down another story.
Another story to wet her eyes and make her hurt
A story to make her understand
How much he cares
Yesterday wasn’t the best day, and neither was today. I might have lost 3 friends over my mistake that I made.
I was supposed to go to an amusement park with my friend today but I refused to go out of fear. I feared being left out again. She ignored me at dinner last night to talk to my sisters (or at least it felt that way). I just boiled over and got angry, ran upstairs and cried. I didn’t say anything to her when she came up to get me. Just put a smile on my face and continued on.
When today came around I told my mom I was sick (I lied and my mom knew it). So after an hour or two of arguing she left me stay home.
My sisters, and my mom where ashamed of me. My sister told me I ditched her (I figured it felt that way to her. Don’t blame her..) and called me a bit**. My mom called me crazy, a psychopath, she threatened to send me to a mental hospital.. She said she can’t help me anymore and now after this whole ordeal I have nobody and I’m sure when my dad comes home we are going to have to sit down and have another talk.
I hate being this way.. I hate feeling like my friends don’t care.. But I also hate hurting them.. I don’t know if my friend is mad at me, or if my other friends are (there where two more that came over). I want to say sorry and explain to them the situation but I don’t think they will care to understand. Especially after today.
I wish I didn’t fu** up as much as I do. I know everyone makes mistake but I feel I make to many..
Lately I’ve just been feeling like a shell of the person I used to be. After you’ve been talked down to by nearly all the people you look up to, all the people you called friends, and people that don’t even know you, it starts to weigh down on you. Back in 2010, I lost someone very close to me to suicide. I began my freshman year very lost. I let my grades slip and became extremely recluse. My social anxiety sky rocketed. Like, I couldn’t even ask the teacher questions. That continued all 4 years of high school. I failed nearly all of my classes. Each year I became more and more depressed. I eventually felt so cornered and so suffocated that I no longer cared my grades were slipping. I felt like I was so deep in this hole that I dug myself in, so what’s the point of even getting out? I felt like I had already failed so much and disappointed so many people. I was a joke to all the students and I was a joke to my teachers. My teachers even gave up on me. They knew I was hopeless. My dad won’t even talk to me. This was nobody’s fault but my own. It wasn’t my parents, it wasn’t my teachers, it wasn’t the person I lost to suicide. It was me. I am weak and pathetic and not even worth trying for. I know that. You don’t have to tell me that. I don’t deserve the life I was given. It was too good to a lazy piece of shit like me. There is no place for me here. I’m sorry.
Sometimes we wake from a dream and realize we’ve been dreaming some part of that dream over and over again.
This morning I woke from a dream with the knowledge that I’d dreamt about the same fish tank many times.
The tank was covered by some kind of sheet, and had been neglected by me for such a long time that no fish could possibly be alive.
I left it alone and continued to ignore it.
Eventually, I decided to remove the cover, though I really didn’t want to. But I did. I don’t know the reason why I could no longer ignore it.
To my surprise, many of the fish were still alive. Some were sick, some dead, including the two fancy goldfish.
I decided to rededicate myself to caring for my fish tank. I started by removing the dead ones.
I was happy before the pain began. I was a better person.
Going on three years now of a mystery illness that’s drained me of who I am. Been to several doctors this past year, took a whole year off from college and still no answers. I have just continued to feel worse and worse. I have lost all functionality as a human being. My family now expects me to get a job because at 22 I can’t be taken care of forever but I can’t work.
I don’t want to kill myself because of a lack of caring on anyone’s part. My family has helped me in trying to figure out what’s going on with me. No, I plan to kill myself out of necessity. I understand society needs people that can contribute to it. Anyone, especially a young man who should be able-bodied, that can’t do that is worthless to the machine. I can’t contribute and I can’t continue to suffer without doctors having any clue what’s wrong with me.
The worst part of this whole process were the several times I thought I had figured it out. I experimented with so many different things this past year that helped for a day to one week and thought “finally, my suffering is coming to an end” only to have life slap me in the face. I barely remember what normals feels like. I can’t stand to continue to disappoint myself and others who make a request of me, no matter how simple, and having to respond with “no, I can’t do that”.
I feel bad even admitting this but for the past three days I have daydreamed about suicide…
If you talked to me 3 years ago before all this began I would have told you I was amongst the happiest people in the world. I feel as though there really is some balance to this life. Had an amazing childhood filled with high on life moments and now it’s the exact opposite as though life couldn’t end fast enough.
Like in the title of this post I have been seeing things All day. Not like a zombie standing in the kitchen or a ghost in my room, just weird little stuff. I watch my sisters during the day, and my youngest she’s 7 months, was still asleep in her crib so I was cleaning the room and I kid you not, I saw her laying face down on the floor in front of me. So of course I dropped what I was doing and went to go pick her up, only to realize it was a stuffed animal that looked NOTHING like a baby. Then some more things like thinking I saw a cat on the couch or seeing my dad making my bed. My dad wasn’t home and we don’t have cats.
But what really scared me today was when me and my family were at Target and we were looking at the dollar section and I saw looking at these notebooks and I started seeing the shelves start to lean. I closed my eyes and opened them again and the shelves were still leaning. So I grabbed the shelf and like held it up and people were just passing by me thinking to themselves what is this crazy 17 year old girl doing. Haha. So I let it go and it continued to lean. I ran to my step mom and covered my ears, like getting ready for the bang…. nothing.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Does it stem from something else? I don’t know what to think about it.
So basically my dad told us the news on his birthday which sucked. This was before he left us.
Then my mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had a lot of treatments done.
What else.. My mum and dad officially got a divorce and my dad stayed at his parents’ house.
I started getting bullied, cyber and at school. I still do, it’s because I’m apparently ‘fat’.
I developed anxiety and depression. I moved out of my mum’s, but got kidnapped back by her, unwillingly. It didn’t last long. I then got a psycologist. I still have her. It sometimes helps, but hardly.
I then moved out of my mum’s and to my dad’s again. It finally worked.
..To be continued… (story of two deaths I have experienced by my loved ones)..
So I’m from Australia and it’s all the same boring thing…
So here’s my story:
My mum started sleeping around with guys that were not her husband and my dad. I walked in on my mum in ‘action’ and it scarred me for life. It wasn’t easy having a bedroom right next door to hers.
My dad found out and left home, which was tragic for all of us. My mum continued being a slut. Still is.
Dad broke some news to us that he has been diagnosed with Lymphoma cancer.
to be continued…
I dont feel like ive explained myself well enough in the first post , since leaving the basement i feel as if my life has changed to frequently, that nothing is substantial or sustainable, i have had the worst luck and the best fortune all at the same time, so many people have stopped there lives to benifit mine and reverse side of that is so many people have walked over my life to get what they want, i just cant believe i got out, just as i resigned myself to my fate i got freed? tell me that isnt coincidence, this cant be real, i promise you this cant be real, if this all is real then i am just an anomaly, i dont know. Fuck i just dont see how i can explain this, i dont know
Well I have just a couple days left before I leave this place for good. I have arranged to see my two youngest daughters on this day so I can hold them in my arms one last time and tell them how much I love them. Nobody sees this coming and I am sure it will shock them all, but it will look like an accident as I have done my work. I have my notes wrote to my daughters and a will that is notarized leaving both my daughters everything. Life should not be this hard as I have contemplated this for years as I was tired of all the beatings and abuse I have endured not to mention no woman has told me she loved me for years. Death is a welcome thing in my life! 4 days and this will be over, I will return and say my goodbyes a couple hours before. Thank you for not judging me or condemning me for my choice to finally have peace in my life. My daughters will be confused at first but after they are older and read the notes that they will get when they are a little older I am sure they will understand, as they are 9 and 10. My daughters are and always will be my little angels May God bless them.
To those women out their that keep their kids from their fathers for financial reasons and make false accusations when all else fails may you burn in hell….
Thet is hard to imagine, in the thick of a depressive moment that emotions can lift and the depression can leave. After years and y,ears dealing with my depression, I find this is all too true! But we must remember, esp in the middle of an episode that it can change and it can lift!
This morning started out rough, last night’s depression continued to linger. I HAD to go to work, I wanted to go to work, but my heart was really back in the muck. So much so that when a lady asked me for a ride, I was mad. Oye. Not like me. I give people rides all the time but it was cold outside and I was needing to get to work early. My depression was clearly in control. I am glad I did give her a ride and I was mostly mean to me instead. 🙁
I got to work, in the nick of time, I log into my computer and all my windows (forms and information files to take care of my debit card customers). But I was sooo tired from fighting myself all night and worn out!! I asked myself, why am I doing THIS??
If I weren’t so strong, I would have stayed in the muck of my depression and refused to go to work!! Why be so d*** strong?!
But then a funny thing happened. I started enjoying the work, the talking to customers all over the country. The day went fast, and that helped my mood. I was only going through the motions and things did get better.
Keep going, keep moving forward when you can. You never know when something will help you. Search for new things, try the things that have helped you cope in the past too. When you least expect it, things can improve. (Each little thin helps!)
Hi, this is my first writing that I have done on here so please don’t be afraid to comment. I’m always here to talk in the comments and help people if needed. There will be a couple parts to this so that it doesn’t get to long. Thank you.
My life has always been easy most of the time. As I grew up I had an amazing family that cared so much but then I started elementary school. Elementary school was very easy till I got into Fourth grade. At this point in time I didn’t give a damn about my appearance and just was the happiest girl or so I was told. During fourth grade everything changed, everyone started caring what they looked like but I didn’t. This made me lose a big majority of all my friends. As the school year progressed I started to get bullied more and more, constantly coming home crying off my bus. Although my parents called the school and talk to the principal nothing changed. This progressively got worse for me everyday and I just kept going and going.
As I came back for my fifth grade year I still saw no point in my appearance. At this point I had all of four or five real friends in which I never lost. One of my friends was bullied for being friends with me which led her to cutting. Although she only told me at first, but later started telling more and more people but never really actually cut herself at all. She got pulled into the principals office and finally said “I was only saying that I cut for the attention that it got me” and this was proven by her parents that checked her and found nothing. The lead the girl to stop being friends with me because she blamed me for everything that has happened to her. As I lost more and more people in my life it didn’t really bother me all that much till the second quarter of fifth grade….. at this point I lost every friend I had and everyone knew it. I always managed to keep smiling though through the insults but now had the idea of cutting in my head. I first cut after hearing my friend tell me about it. I started with, well a scratch (more or less) on my wrist but it hurt badly enough for me to tell myself that I wouldn’t ever do it again.
(Continued in Part II)