“How was your day?”
‘Good.’
“Are you okay?”
‘Yeah.’
“Are you alright?”
‘Yeah.’
“How are you?”
‘Ok. You?’
“Was your day good?”
‘Yeah.’
“How ya doin?”
‘I’m good. You?’
“Your day was okay?”
‘Yeah.’
17. Never gone to a party. Never had a girlfriend. Always ostracised. Never had sex. When I was in high school, all my classmates looked down upon me. Nobody ever treated me well. Even since year 7 I was actively excluded from doing the same things everybody did because my friends didn’t like me and I didn’t conform. At first I thought non-conformity was cool. Only a few years later did I discover this was social suicide. The reason why I discovered “A few years later” was because everybody kept this information from me because they wanted to keep me at the bottom of the […]
all of my “friends†couldn’t care about me and recently i’m realizing that. i lost one of my “closest†friends last thursday because he called me a self-centered b**** and claimed he’d been there for me through everything and i hadn’t given a f*** about him once and never did for anybody. for once, i actually stood up for myself and told him that he was wrong and that sparked things. now we’re not talking.
i miss days from school a lot too and not once has anyone asked in the past few months where i’d been or if i was alright. they don’t even care. […]
I have been battling depression since I was 12. In the beginning, people dismissed it easily. My parents thought I was just a “moody teenager”. I got used to simply distracting myself, locking myself in my room, listening to music, reading books and writing poetry as a release, almost like every other teenager it seemed, so I guess you could not really blame them for not noticing. The main difference between me and most of my peers from school was that I had self-harm thoughts at least since I was 14. When I was 13 I witnessed my cousin’s abuse (mainly emotional but […]
I’ve recently started truly considering ending things.
I met the woman of my dreams and fell head over heels in love with her. She was beautiful and amazing and felt like the woman I felt I deserved. So like an idiot I rushed foolishly into marriage with her. And immediately after getting married she changed into a totally different person. She started having conversations on her phone with guys talking about how they wanted to hook up with her and she would go along with it. So we ended up arguing and fighting about it but she took it way beyond just a fight. So she […]
I’m sorry for the upcoming vent, I need to get it out.
So, I really want to kill myself right now.
I just miss my brother like hell, ever since he took his own life about 10 months ago, i haven’t been happy. Time drags me through life but i don’t want to. I don’t want to move on because it feels like forgetting. And I hate myself because i feel like i’m already starting to forget how exactly his voice sounded or how his smile was. He was my everything, besides my brother also my best friend.
Then besides that, i feel so lonely. It […]
When I look forward and try to picture my future I see absolutely nothing. That petrifies me, that feeling of dread catches in my lungs and I don’t know what to do. How do I make it go away? Dear god I need something. The blade is not enough anymore, I love her, I always will, but it’s becoming dull. I fantasise about suicide, the how’s and when’s … pills or hang from a rope or a trip off a ledge, if you dare. I want more than anything to make it stop; I need it all to fucking stop. I have never attempted, I […]
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share my story, but for whatever reason I’m not sure I can stop myself from typing these words. But I will try to keep to details to a minimum and will just cover the most important aspects to keep this short. In high school I was an introverted nerd, but the first year actually turned out to the best, and it was only downhill from there. I had large ears and a stutter, the latter of which would often limit the conversations and connections and I could have with other people. In grade eight I started to […]
I don’t initiate conversations.
I don’t call people.
I don’t really care.
Yet I’m frustrated as all hell about it.
Really, I think I should just set myself on fire in the yard.
Return all the carbon and nutrients I’m wasting back to the dirt.
Instead, I’ll go back to organizing the insane junk heap in the basement and creating a space that doesn’t make me want to bash my head into walls whenever I have to look at it.
Because I’m sure that’ll help.
So I’m 18, a senior in high school, and although most of the drama in my life revolves around my anxiety and eating disorders, family problems, or suicidal thoughts, for once I have a normal problem. Just typing those words felt fantastic. I have really strong morals, I’m honestly not sure why because it’s not something I learned from my parents, but I don’t know, I just do. I also have pretty high standards when it comes to guys, although I’ve had a few boyfriends I’ve always felt like dating in high school is pointless, it’s just setting you up for a broken heart. I […]
It’s been a long time since I was last on here. Months. And now I’ve come back because I am in a need to vent a bit.
You see, in the time I’ve been gone, I’ve come to terms with my own sexuality and accepted it. I am pansexual. And I also notified my mum about it. She was… less than happy, shall we say. In fact, we’ve been having long and arduous conversations (read: arguments) over this issue. Because my mum wont accept it. Thinks it’s wrong. And it just breaks my heart to know that my only parent doesn’t accept that part […]
I enjoy reading the conversations and posts people put up. This is one big community. Even though we’re “depressed” and “suicidal” we’re still able to make a nice family. Even though something else brought us together, we’re still intertwined.
I didn’t always live in a nightmare. I didn’t always have conversations with the voice in my head. I wasn’t always watched by disembodied shadows. I didn’t always hear tortured screams and maniacal laughter or my name in empty rooms. I used to be “happyâ€. “Happy†is an illusion created to hide all the pain, madness and fear. It was never real. But I used to experience that bliss, “Ignorance is bliss,†they say. That bliss is gone. I used to smile and laugh all the time. I used to think, or be thoughtful. Before the clouds, and locks. Before the black fog that covers […]
I can honestly say you’ve been on my mind all since i started talking to you,
I look at our conversations all the time, these memories come back to life
And it hurts inside
I remeber when you lied, you said you loved me,
That time when your called me our princess and baby girl
i remeber the simple things, i remeber till i cry
but the one thing i wanna forget is goodbye<3
I just want someone who understands this emptiness…
Somehow the pain that I used to feel so long ago has become something constant even when I thought it was all over, I tend to pretend smiles and create banal conversations with my relatives so they don’t think I’m up to this all over again… it’s something I do without thinking, just feel they’d be better on the ignorance.
And then after faking so many smiles I’m too tired to feel the pain and feel nothing but emptiness, the worst thing that could happen because the inner empty make me be cold and careless besides the fact that […]
Everyday I convince myself a little more that my life is significantly less meaningful than I used to believe it was. Everyday I become more convinced that I matter less and that I’m not loved and that life in general is purposeless.
The one and only person I have ever loved does not love me back. Cannot love me back. (My best friend)
And everyday my best friend becomes more distant and dismissive and leaves me grieving for what our friendship used to be. Leaves me grieving for the feeling of her needing me and her being there for me when I needed her. But every […]
All my hope is gone… The little bit hope I had is gone. I really don’t think my life is ever going to be better. I’m fighting for more than 12 years now to get a better life where I can be real happy with, not fake happy. But in those 12 years, my life only got worse and worse… People say that when life is really terrible, it only could go better. Well, NO, it only can get worser!! (At least in my life) I wish I wasn’t on this earth anymore. I just want to die…. But I’m under controle right now. I […]
Conversations With Dr.Seussicide
I found this band by randomly typing their name into Google. This song is quite poignant.
I have a great life: wonderful friends, supportive family, Ivy-league education, but I am tired of all of this.
I can’t concentrate on my school work. When I read something, I the words flutter across the page and land in a jumbled mess that I can’t decipher; when I’m with friends, their conversations fade in and out, and I can’t follow what’s going on half the time. My parents, although they don’t wish for anything but my happiness, are always concerned about how I am, which makes me even more stressed and I never tell them how I am really feeling, because I think that […]
I wrote this story last night on a piece of loose leaf.
“I don’t eat because I think I’m fat. I see a photo of me and I look fat. So I don’t eat. I had a talk with Dennis and Gloria today, both separate conversations. I realized I don’t want to die. I want to love and hopefully get sponsored by red bull one day for snowboarding and Roxy. That’s what I really want. I want to be happy again. I need a phone. Serious though. I need to smile and mean it. This is the starting point tonight. I wanted to kill myself and […]
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