I have always had a inkling in the periphera of my mind that this life was just an elaborate level of many levels of a dream while in a deep sleep or coma. I have figured it is time to find out. Not because life is not worth living or simply because I only want to find this out. It’s just that my particular life is not worth living.
I have hit a dead end in my life. Even though I have contemplated suicide half of my teen years and all of my adult years, I have held on to some form or strand of someone needing me coupled with my death causing someone who I love immense pain. Two things now have stripped those away. I am useless to any and everyone and I would end up causing more pain by staying alive. To the few that love me as I love them. (Fuck the ones I love who do not love me.) And more pain for me. Unnecessary pain. This pain will help no one grow or learn lessons. This pain will not serve to toughen me or anyone else up. Nor will it create drama to pull people together against or for a common cause.
Let me explain. I have been falsely accused of the molestation of three sisters while they were juveniles and I was an adult and the rape of two of those same sisters during the same time period. Because it’s three against one, the state has a strong case against me. I will face minimum of 25 years but likely natural life. This takes away any usefulness of myself as a father to my young daughter. And even between now and trial, I serve no purpose to her (the only person I care to serve purpose for and loves me as I love them). Her mother denies contact till after trial only if I am acquitted. Which I will not be. My daughter is only allowed to call on specific holidays like Father’s Day. No texting or video chat or in person visits. At all. So I cannot help my daughter at all except financially based on that.
Which I could bow my head, suck up the pain, and plow on. Knowing that at least I serve at least some marginal purpose in her life as a monetary fund. At least it would prolong my suicide until right before or after trial. But until trial, the father that bailed me out has a condition of our bail agreement that I work for him. Which is fine but I receive no cash from him…and I must do every single thing he says. I am secluded from everyone except him (physically) and live in the spot of his choosing (where I know no one).
So, July 13th it is. I want to give a friend time to see me one last time and make one more pretrial court date. So maybe by the end of July if I fail on the 13th up till the 31st and/or I don’t see my friend till the last day of July. If I fail all of July, I will try again from 09/01/2017 to 09/30/2017. Only because I don’t want to do it in August, my daughter’s birthday month.