My parents don’t know that I’ve become suicidal, no body does. Everybody sings out loud, I know I do, and my family knows that I’m always singing and listening to music. I’m always singing out loud or humming. So maybe they just stopped listening to me because for a while I haven’t been singing songs, I’ve been singing what I want to tell them, but don’t have the guts to actually telling them. I’ve been singing, “late at night your asleep and I’m awake, with a blade digging in my skin.” I sang that loud enough for all of them to hear, but they block it out thinking I’m just singing. But I’m not. I want people to notice that I’m hurt and make them think if it’s them that are making me do this to myself. Today I brought my blade to school, I’ve been carrying it with me all week. In two of my classes I was able to cut my wrist and nobody noticed (I sit near the teachers when I cut myself) Are these people blind? What is wrong with this society? Literally, no one noticed a blade on my desk before I even cut myself. REALLY!? I hate my life, no body pays attention to me. I don’t even the last time someone actually paid full attention to me, they would always be detracted with something else. Even if I was in an empty room they probably wouldn’t even pay attention. I just want someone to notice me, not just know me as, that girl, or the extra, or even known as the person that people always forget about. What do I have to do for someone to notice me around here?
I should be happy, right? My birthday is soon and I’ll be 25… Fuck that! I don’t want to live to 50, let alone 25. This urge is getting worse. I want to take a knife, cut open my stomach and rip my damn guts out.
This turtle I’m eating tastes nice… like gluttony.
There gonna make me call my in-laws for Easter I wanna cut my tounge out . then im forced to go to party with alot of people who hate me . why am I going because there grandparents and my grandparents-inlaws are besties. Yay I hope I catch a stomach virus before three o-clock. I wish I would of died in my sleep
I wanna die I wanna bust my head open I can not take this people today self righteous there better then any body on this mother fucking earth .and there th good grandparents meet with others later and all I get I called dumb and critcited because I am lower then them the are the great famile no one compares .
Here I am just like before
Siting on the bathroom floor
I said I wouldn’t
But I’m a little *****
Now that I’ve told you
Don’t be a snitch
The bleeding won’t stop
You’re gonna want a mop
I’ve never cut this deep
But don’t you say a peep
Say I ran away, this is our little lie
Pretend I didn’t tell a soul goodbye
I finally joined after a few days of reading what people have written, which isn’t much different from what I want to say. I have had thoughts of suicide, I’ve actually been very close to committing suicide, I stopped myself from that one time, I held a knife that was digging into my neck. The only reason why i stopped was because of the effects on my family. I think of suicide everyday now, it’s becoming worse. Now i cut my wrists. I sit in my room alone and I cut myself, every cut I would make I would have tears in my eyes, and a smile on my face. I find it funny, every time I make a cut, I don’t know why I just do.
I wanted to test how much pain I could tolerate. I guess I have a high pain threshold. The best way to describe the cut would be to imagine you skin cut like in a surgery. Not as long but about 1.5cm long. It doesnt bring relief or more sadness. Just tells me I can do it if I want to.
Because I screw everything up and scare everyone away. It doesn’t matter how much I want to be accepted, it just doesn’t matter, everything I do to try and be liked just backfires.
I tried cutting my wrist today. Well I guess I could say I am still trying. Its not as easy as people make it out to be. Firstly get past your skin is a mission (I am using a blunt knife I father)… I know the first thing you will tell me is dont cut your wrists it hardly works. Well I have to try something and a knife is easy to find. I have to try that slight chance that I might die. I cant live life, I dont have a reason to live. Help me please!!!! Somebody please help… im beghing you… I am to weak.
Hmm… I can’t exactly be sure why I decided to come to this site, to post about it… But i need to get it out and off of my chest to people who i don’t know. I don’t want my friends and family to know how i feel.
I’ve been depressed as long as i can remember. I remember as a little kid crying and asking my mom weird questions such as
“How do you know if you’re depressed?” “What is depression” “Is depression feeling sad all day?”
I was probably only 6 or 7- but my dad had very bad depression so it wasn’t not talked about in my household.
I don’t know why i feel this way. I am an only child, have been spoiled, two parents who have been together for 20+ years… why should i be allowed to feel this way?
My depression and anxiety probably really hit when i was about 11… I started to cut myself, bite myself, smash my head on my bedposts- without anyone knowing of course- but i just felt like i had to hurt myself, i LIKED to hurt myself. This had went on for years, and in 8th grade when i was 13/14 everything completely went down hill when my best friend died.
I would cut myself, lay in bed all day except when i was at school, and just listen to music in a dark room until i could sleep.
Life just seemed pointless. I had only 1 real friend, and when he died i just… I didn’t know how to deal with myself other than to just lay there in hopes to feel better.
It was probably… 7 months later that i met my now Boyfriend of 2+ years.
Now, a lot of people tell me that i’m very upbeat and that i make everyone happy, so i didn’t tell my boyfriend for months about my problems, but i did finally open up about how i felt.
How i would cut myself, how i would try to gather the courage to shoot myself and cut deep enough to bleed out…
Things… got a bit better when we were in the ‘honeymoon’ stage, i thought about him more than i did my depression. But of course that ended and fuck am i worse than ever.
I’ve been on so many anti depressants, therapy, but they all say nothing is wrong with me. Of course they would say that though, Like i said, i’ve a very ‘happy’ seeming person. I don’t tell people how i feel in fear of rejection and in fear of being weird.
My parents had always made it clear to me that depression is something to be ashamed about, something that is disgusting and to never let anyone know, and when i tried telling them i would get in trouble for ‘pretending’ something was wrong with me.
Now, I’m 16. I should be having the time of my life, the peak of my age. I have my drivers license, a car, a job, a loving boyfriend… what could i ask more for? Ugh.
I’m still depressed, i’m suicidal. All i think about every day and night is ‘When will i be alone, when can I have the opportunity to off myself?’
I feel pathetic. I dropped out of school, All i do is cry and sit on my computer all day, I over eat to the point i vomit, I feel like the only way i can keep control of myself is by cutting myself- it feels like the only thing i can hold onto. I can’t lean on anyone. I feel guilty even telling my boyfriend I feel sad- Fuck. I HATE looking into his eyes and telling him when i feel suicidal, to see him break out into tears, cry, and beg me to stay with him. I hate waking up to see him crying because he ‘can’t make me happy’ and i know thats all he wants. So I’m trying to keep myself smiling for him.
It feels like all teenagers my age are already popping pills and crying out depression. So i deal with a lot of people coming to me and telling me they want to die. I try so hard to help people, I just want everyone else to be happy. I just don’t want to tell people how i feel, but i am an artist of sorts… I draw a lot of… Self harm and sad pictures and post them to deviant art, but thats the only way i /try/ to… i don’t know… Call out for help?
I just know someday soon is going to be my last. I know i’m going to kill myself soon and i don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel like a spoiled brat.
Hey guys… long time no see. It’s been months since I’ve been on here…. months spent thinking. Thinking that I was getting better. Thinking that the old Sam was gone. The one whose depression conquered her on a daily basis. The one who ran to her knife for comfort. The one who never knew what a nigt in peace was like.
So damn mother fucking wrong.
Hahahaha life is a cruel joke my loves. It wants you to live but gives you all the cards to die. I hope you are all doing better than me. I hope to see some familiar faces on here soon… I hope I hope I hope for a better future for us all. I’m going to go cut because it’s all I think about… hope you’re all doing okay 🙂
Would you go ahead and kill me already?!
You keep me hanging on the line.
I’m sick and tired of all your filthy little lies.
You are a cancer.
I am your host.
What you love is torturing me the most.
So cut away my skin.
Expose who you really are.
For my body bleeds oil.
The fuel that you feed.
I was never anything.
Just a pension for your greed.
YOU ARE MY CANCER
…..and I am your host
Does anyone know of a website of failed suicide attempts consequences? I want to know what may happen if you cut your throat and survive. Is it a bad methd to try?
This month, I was a victim of abuse. Twice. No, not “use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse”, it’s “treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly”. I’ve been abused many times now, but I think this month is the worst.
Abuse story 1:
So, one day I was in class, didn’t finish my work, so I was supposed to stay back for recess, but I didn’t want to. The teacher dragged my collar (I was about 3-5 meters away from the class when this happened) all the way to the classroom door, and threw me. I hit something, so I got a small cut on my wrist (on the vein, so if anything touches it it’s pain, even water), tried to hit the teacher with a table, waited a few seconds, then ran away and cried.
Aftermath of #1:
I told as much people as possible, even my form teacher. Even the form teacher said it’s my fault. It’s nuts. So, I actually thought that the teachers are against me.
Abuse story 2:
You won’t believe this, one day I went out with my father. He then asked me to cut my hair, but I thought “Oh, he’s s****d, my hair is not even long.” so I said “No.” but he said “You must!” He started to get angry. He then said “You better go when I’m telling you nicely” I kept on saying “No”. So he took out my slipper, hit my leg very hard with it 3 times. (Lucky it didn’t bleed) He also pulled my hair 5 times!
Aftermath of #2:
He simply said “I will leave, make us happy OK?” then packed bag and left.
I have many abuse stories.
I don’t have time to fit all of the things in this story.
Just know: Life is not important. Even if you are talented. (Like me, I am 8 and know how to write all of this things. I know the word “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” too. Trust me, I didn’t googol the spelling. I memorized it. I know a lot of things. I even used Facebook from 3 years old!)
I wish I was in 2008/2009 forever.
I feel like suiciding.
I have no friends.
Everyone lies to get me in trouble.
Everyone around me is evil.
People might say: Aren’t you embarrassed to share this? Well, all the embarassment is converted into sadness.
Things I hate: People, Life, School, Non-English languages, Bullying, Bored (me 24/7), etc, etc, Almost everything.
Things I love: Games (especially video games) and Videos ONLY.
Its been awhile probably because I’ve been happy and getting good help. But now some bad decisions on my part has triggered my depression bad. I’m trying not to think suicidal but i am going to cut so I won’t. I was 2 months clean. I hate my life.
I think I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll cut and use pills. But what pills should I take.
I really fucked myself up this time. I cut my thumb really deep trying to cut up the block of cocoa butter on the bed since I don’t have my own kitchen to work in like a normal person. It’s only maybe a half an inch long so if I went to the ER they wouldn’t do anything. I’ve had 2 inch deep bite wounds and been turned away untreated. It wouldn’t stop bleeding and it is deep. I put liquid bandage on it which hurt like hell. But it’s too short to get stitched. 1. I hate that I’m such a failure and can’t do anything right. Everyone else can work with their hands but me and it makes me feel literally retarded, as in mentally incapacitated against being able to do very normal and routine things. And like an idiot, I keep thinking this will improve?!? 2. I really wish I could have my own place. The people I’m renting from have been great but I’ve felt like there’s been some tension over food/kitchen lately and this is precisely why I don’t believe in sharing food. I had given everything I had for food,and food was not bought. Then I’ve been kind of told what to do (or not do) last times making food, so you know what? It’s just my nature to avoid this and take care of myself. I grew up the same way. I’m sick of fighting for food and the right to be in a kitchen. I’m highly sensitive to and easily stressed by this! I obviously need to melt via double boiler style, my ingredients for making body butter and pain cream. I wanted to prep by measuring things out in my bedroom but that’s really not safe, obviously. I get the sense there would be strong opposition to working with non food items since food is cooked almost daily. And I’m really sensitive to having someone over my shoulder with instructions too. I come from an extremely perfectionist family and my family wouldn’t let the people I rent from on the kitchen either, because my family thinks you fail if you get so much as a drop of food on the counter, stove, floor, etc. Anyway,here’s a picture looking at it outside the bandage. These band aids keep falling off because it’s like my thumb is excreting oil. The cut goes under the nail, too.
About 50 minutes ago, I posted a question asking whether any of you intentionally cut off your friends, just to make yourself feel horrible, or to spare them.
(Its called, “Anyone Else: Loneliness.” in case any of you wanna give it a look at.)
I’ve been sitting here dreading every second, thinking about it.
And I remembered what I used to say to myself about it,
I used to think it was to prevent myself from happiness.
I don’t deserve a happy; This is all my fault.
Everyone’s problems? My fault. I can’t be happy because its not fair.
You know what I hate the most? Hearing people deny it, try to convince me that perhaps I’m just being delusional and this isn’t the truth.
But I feel their f’ing with my mind, and so I get frustrated with myself even more.
Do any of you do this? Believe you don’t deserve happiness, and so you sabotage your life in every way you can? You’ll cut, detach from your friends, even prevent yourself from being happy, because you deserve it,
Because you aren’t worthy enough.
Maybe there are other reasons too,
I don’t know, there are several that I listed,
-You either blame yourself,
-You believe people don’t like you,
-You want to spare everyone from your existence,
-Maybe you have voices or some other traumatic event that gets you to believe that happiness is not meant for you.
Regardless of the case, who does this/ has done this? What are some things you’ve done…
So maybe I’m all screw-y or something,
I’m assuming the majority of you may not be able to relate,
But sitting here alone and dreading the day, I decided why not write this post. I don’t know why I do this, nor do I think I’ll ever know why,
But I always seem to…Cut people out of my life.
I had this best friend, he was so good to me last year, when I was at the lowest point. He made sure I was happy and all, and he calmed me down every night when I felt my anxiety begin to swallow me. But ever since, I’ve always tried to cut him out from my life.
Not to mention my other friends. I’ve failed so many times, But this time, its been a month, and, somehow, I’m succeeding.
I haven’t talked to them in a long time, and I never went back once…
Why do I do this though?
Maybe its spare them, I believe.
I think that, maybe if they didn’t have to deal with me, they’d be happier and better. I do this so they can be happy…Doesn’t matter if I am not.
I think this time I’ve succeeding in cutting them off because I have plans in a couple of months, and having them hate me/not care about me, makes it easier for the future.
No one will be badly hurt…
Am I screwed up?
Tell me there’s gotta be one person thats messed up as me…
I think its ‘cuz I feel they don’t deserve to have me as a burden.
You know, as I write this, I realize, I always do it to make me feel horrible. Because I don’t deserve anything. Because I deserve to be sad and lonely and hurt and by myself…
No one deserves me.
I need to spare everyone.
I can’t help but admit I’m sorry I posted this, I feel horrible for the rest of you who gotta deal with me ,-,
People don t understand how much I hate my life, I have secrets about it like how much everybody treats me like I don’t mean anything. I wasn’t so coward and went through with my suicide, I would have been the first person in my family to commit suicide. I’ve cut, I’ve tried to commit suicide over 5 times One day I’m going to I don’t know when or how but its going to happen.
So, hi. What’s new with you guys. not much is new with me. I still hurt all the time but, I think I’ve found someone who can help me to feel better. He’s amazing and I don’t want to mess this up. I haven’t cut in a few months!!! Yayyyy for Natalie!!! I’m happy for once and that’s a great feeling. I hope all you guys feel better who are hurting. Keep going, keep trying, never give up!!!