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“you can do better”

by 4beyondhelp
written by 4beyondhelp

what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that my ability to feign the ability to function as a human ought to has an expiration date (something similar happened last spring as well). I should be doing so much better than this but instead I just continue to let myself get worse.

in other news, my therapist thinks I should look into medication this fall. I’m ambivalent. everything I’ve seen here seems to point toward medication being useless at best, and doing more harm than good at worst, but then I guess that the people whose medication worked wouldn’t be on a suicide forum. if anyone’s still reading to this point, could you let me know if this might be a good idea? also, should I tell her that I’m suicidal? originally I was a definite no on that but now that she’s told my mother I’m depressed and cutting, I’m not sure how much more damage could be done. I know it’s so weak, but it’s so goddamn hard to have to drag myself through every tiny thing that should be easy, and then have people wonder why I don’t try and am so useless. the weak, ugly, childish part of me wants to be coddled somehow. but then maybe she wouldn’t and would just be disappointed in me for it, since disappointment is the only reaction I can elicit from anyone anymore. (again, if anyone is reading, can you advise as to whether I should tell her? I would appreciate any advice.)

I’m sorry about how whiny this is.

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General

Dose anyone know?

by kupo95
written by kupo95

I need help to shut off every emotion In my body so I can be manipulated and feel nothing so I can go on with life with brain damage and not care I hope I die some one kill .

 

I want to bleed I want to becomw a pcyco path .

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General

Read an article that I’m sure many can relate to

by blank-clutter
written by blank-clutter

It’s by one of my favourite internet writers, he always has a good way of knowing the underlying meaning in things:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-ways-you-can-accidentally-become-social-outcast/

For those who don’t want to read it, it’s about how today’s social dynamics abuse and imprison the arbitrarily selected bottom few. It’s mainly about the time of adolescents but I think it explains all stages of life. Because of the way the world works, it needs an amount of people in the bottom for it to function and it doesn’t care how much mental damage this causes those unfortunate enough to be caught in the “shit pit”. It’s one of those harsh reality articles so be aware.

Why am I posting it? Because I’ve been stuck there since adolescents and it has taken a toll on me. Since I didn’t have the proper outlets, it has effected many different parts of my life and has left me a useless shel or a person I am today.

I want to commit suicide because I don’t want to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I don’t want to have a horrible, unfulfilling life because my suffering is necessary for the success of others who would look down upon me.

To this day I can’t believe the social brutality which is allowed to continue.

Does anyone else feel this or know what I’m talking about?

thank you for reading

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General

Time Flies… But Is Still Ever So Slow

by The Advisor
written by The Advisor

Wow. I realize I only have a week before ya know, but I can’t stop feeling like I have things to do beforehand. I just don’t know if I can go another 6 years looking for someone who can just listen without flipping out and trying too hard to help. But I feel I’ve done too much damage to good people’s lives to stall. Like, for the love of bacon, why me? I used to be innocent and happy, and now I ain’t worth the dirt under my shoe. I guess not all dreams come true.

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General

feel like I brained my damage..

by Soco
written by Soco

Theres so much I feel like saying today, but then I try and there’s nothing. I go blank. Been feeling like this most of the day, my vision has been all jumpy and strange, & there is no cohesion to my thoughts.
Kinda feel like staying on this train forever ( Im on my way home from work), and dissapearing and starting all over again. Or just dissapearing. I feel like ive past my used by date sometimes. Like I somehow missed my date with the grim reaper. Probably slept thru it, knowing myself. Hiding under the doona and he couldnt find me.
Anyway ive talked enough shit, will finish with this.
If ur young and live at home, dont kill urself till u try living out on ur own. Parents always suck and they will screw u up no matter what. Cos the truth is, they probably had no idea how to raise a happy well adjusted person. If that person even exists. Im still waiting to meet them.
Take care everyone.

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General

Dull. (Edit)

by beaubri
written by beaubri

To do list:

  • Write a book.
  • Buy a new package of blades.
  • Consider seeing a therapist.
  • Buy vitiams
  • Go insane.

The blade is finally too dull to do damage. No matter how much you press it does little damage. And I don’t want to get stitches, so best not to press full force. I can’t wait to be re-united with a fresh blade.

(“The kit”

Open Pandoras box

I dare you

Tripple dog dare

I’m laughing

Clueles

Even you

Maybe I’ll turn blue

Screaming thank you

Pathetic

That’s what they are

Trying to save you

When they have no clue

Do you know blue

Tremors

Thrashing

Sway

Just go away

I don’t need you

After all I might turn blue

Words like razors

They say they’re saviors

Bullshit

You’re just another average

Silver spoon

In that room

The taste of metal

Watch me fall like a petal

They still have no clue

Unlike you

Head lights

Wheels holding me tight

Five out of fifty

Isn’t that nifty

Let’s climb that hill

Take some more pills

Drop

Hear me plop

Holding that cinder block

Never to surface

With only one purpose

To see you smile

It’s worth my while

So close the box

Let’s watch the show

They still don’t even know.)

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General

Do I deserve this (terrible) life?

by wasd2333
written by wasd2333

Do I deserve this terror-ible life?

Not just terrible, terror-ible.

I feel like I deserve more than what I am today.

Here are a few key factors to me, my personality, my life.

1. I took many online tests, all of them says I am a good person.

2. I almost never lie, and I’m also not lying when I say this.

3. I only cheated in school tests 2 times. And I regret.

4. I am 9.

5. I think I am gifted: I can do the rotate leg clockwise and write 6 with index finger in the air thing and not change direction, I’m one of the few people who can do it. Also, I use parentheses in mathematics on tests. Also, I literally had a question that said “What is 3 in between” or something like that. I said 0 and infinity. (with the lying down 8 symbol). Of course I could just do in between 3-(1/infinity or an infinitesimal) and pi, but I didn’t know pi back then.

6. My mother is loving. Sometimes can be a bit bad but love her.

7. My father… I don’t even know anymore. He pulls my hair and slaps me, verbally abusing me causing psychological damage to my brain, subliminally.

8. I get punishment for nothing. Also, it’s a myth that punishments literally make people have good behavior. After I was punished for nothing many consecutive times, seriously I got way worse. Punishment causes psychological damage to the brain as I said on 7, also teaches the child how to do psychological damage to other people’s brains. Seriously.

9. I have so much depression despite these things, even when I looked back on my life I feel much more depressed. Even when I did absolutely nothing wrong.

10. Nobody understands me.
11. I am a magnet for bullies.
12. I am OVERLY DEFENSIVE.
13. I feel like suiciding.
14. I hate myself.
15. I feel like I deserve more than what I am now.
16. I am a lie detector.
17. I am 41 kg. (Overweight)

 

18. I am suicidal, I feel like killing myself.

19. I feel like 19 seconds of horribleness is 19 days.

20. I don’t know, but I might be suffering from depression.

(will add more soon)

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General

Rock muzik

by Drowning
written by Drowning

I really like these two songs right now I can relate to them so much in my dark hours

bring me to the horizon – drown

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown.
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown

linkin park – faint

I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

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General

Grandma and Grandpa.

by beaubri
written by beaubri

I’ve been finally realizing how old they are becoming. Their health and minds are slowly depleating. I remember growing up with them. Spending time with them. Helping them so much. Today everyone was in a hurry to see a movie and rushing them. They both dont walk fast anymore. And Grandpa has nerve damage in his right arm. So he is unable to move it. No one asked if they needed help, just rushing them. They get so confused easily on top of that. Me on the other hand I waited for them. I stood by them as they got ready to get up and moving. I helped them carry all of their drinks and popcorn. My hands were litterally full. I put their phones on vibrate for them. I handed them their stuff after they got situated. I love my Grandparents. And it shows a lot. I always hug them when we part ways and tell them I love them. I’m a great Grand-daughter.

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Rants

the past

by sadsadist
written by sadsadist

The past so many regrets so many mistakes not even from me but from her so what my soul mate came back for me so much damage has been done and she has put herself in a complicated situation she can’t back out of her future will be complicated for so long even though she wants to share it with me now sge cant it was suppose to be our future the perfect future not this soon I’ll speak to a recruiter I still can’t have the perfect dream life might as well have the perfect dream death

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General

Odds

by Drowning
written by Drowning

I know someone on here had a post similar to this but after you’ve had trauma attempted suicide are depressed anxious self harm have suicidal thoughts etc  can you really come back from all that ? being the happy out going person u once was ? Or are u pass the point of no return the damage is already done kind of thing game over

how many people have actually won the battle to live a so called normal life?

and how many people have commit suicide what’s the odds I say suicide wins by far  what’s everyone view on the subject ?

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General

Bucket list for Life

by kismet
written by kismet

I haven’t really planned much I’d like to do in my final days or weeks.  I see others like to treat themselves to an expensive meal, or visit somewhere special before they go.  Me, I just don’t want to give my children’s father the chance to continue poisoning their minds against me for the rest of time.  So maybe writing something for both of them to read when they’re older…. I don’t know.  It all seems like so much effort.  I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control.  What about you?  Have you thought of some things you’d like to do before it’s your time to go?

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General

Wind and Panic

by Cordless
written by Cordless

Today it is very windy.

Strong winds give me panic attacks, and here’s why:

About 15 years ago a windstorm destroyed my home in the middle of the night. It ripped off the roof while I was in bed sleeping.  I heard this horrible loud ripping sound, and I rolled over in bed, still in sleepy confusion.

Instead of my ceiling above me, I saw stars.

The wind had this constant ROAR, and it just wasn’t stopping.

I couldn’t turn on the lights, because the windstorm had knocked out the power earlier that evening.

So there I was, in total darkness, trapped in a windstorm, in a home with no roof.

I called my parents for help (they lived about 15 miles away).  They came and got me, and I spent the night at their place.

The next morning, we drove out to see what was left of my home.

The roof had been wadded up like a ball of aluminum foil and thrown into a field across the road.  My belongings were scattered everywhere.  I think there might even have been something hanging from the trees.

In my bedroom, a large mirror had been thrown from one part of the room to another.  If I had sat up in bed at the wrong moment in the darkness, it could have sliced my head off.

The official weather report didn’t acknowledge any tornadoes in the area at the time, but the insurance people said it sure looked like tornado damage to them.

The home had to be completely demolished, and I moved to another nearby town, where I still live today.

But my fear of windstorms is still paralyzing.

For awhile there I had to be on a Xanax prescription just to handle the panic when I heard strong winds.

There are times (like today) when I still wish I could pop a Xanax or two.

Instead, I got out of the house and am spending a few hours here at my McHappyPlace, using the free WiFi until the wind advisory is over.

Here’s hoping I’ll still have a home to return to.

 

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General

by tteia
written by tteia

everday i wish i was dead. my self image or self perception has gotten worse. everytime i look in the mirror, I realize why no one likes me. I try to avoid looking in mirrors or my reflections or pictures..etc just so i can get through the day specially on school days. this past month the feeling has gotten worse, and it feels like every day is a challenge, and idk what to do anymore i just want to give up so bad. my uncle just died, my mother struggles to pay for the funeral, and she’s been so depressed lately, 2 funerals would damage her emotionally, but right now everything just seems unbearable. and i just can’t take it anymore.

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General

Another failed attempt……. Impossible

by theloser102
written by theloser102

I am theloser102. The one and only loser in my sovereign city.

On November 21st, 2015 at 11:00 PM at night, I decided it would the perfect time for me to finally find peace. I went to the area with lots of trees near my house and used a rope I bought. For the sake of following the rules, I’ll leave it at that. The aftermath however……

My suicide did not work, even after three tries. The only damage that was done was a few rope burns on my neck and a little bleeding, I couldn’t believe it. I ensured everything was well tight and was highly elevated. I did not even need to go to a hospital my injuries were so minor….

I feel trapped on a planet I hate so much….I am physically fine as wine now, but mentally…that is another story.

Another major suicide that failed. I guess no method is 100% but……. What could this mean?

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General

Alone Again

by Teresa's Child
written by Teresa's Child

Missing someone is completely natural. Especially if it is someone you love. I know that; there is no trick to solving the problem, no quick fix to be found. Feeling alone is natural. Feeling empty is natural. Despairing is natural. But that’s the thing. When one spends a long time feeling unnaturally, then what is natural and what is unnatural start to become inverted.

I’ve gotten used to having someone to talk with, all the time. I guess that’s the gist of it. Getting used to anything but myself was a mistake. Well, at least that piece of wisdom is my consolation prize. This setback was steep indeed, the loss great, the damage deep. I feel terrible. And yet, I have this strange sense of hope in my heart, because I know, for the first time in a long time, that my actions are truly ‘right’. I don’t doubt myself.

I will not forget this feeling. This sadness, this peace. Perhaps this is the ideal emotional state for someone such as myself. I hope she is well. I hope things on her side are panning out okay.

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General

How can I gather the courage to end my miserable life?

by nvm12
written by nvm12

I’ve made a post a few days ago about my problem. I don’t know if it’s possible to view someone’s posts, but you are free to see my previous post if it’s possible if you want to know what my problem is. It’s loneliness, in a nutshell. A lot of the replies were indeed encouraging, especially those from people who could relate. My problem is that I’ve never even had a chance to be with a girl. I’m extremely shy and it took me 21 years to be able to just talk to girls, and now I lack the experience necessary to find a girlfriend, that’s apart from the fact that no girl has ever shown interest in me. And for the life of me I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m a very nice person, good looking (but short), I’m multitalented and a skilled guitarist. I’m intelligent and well-educated. However, I’ve always been extremely introverted and a loner, but so many people are this way and have a relationship, so I don’t see how this is supposed to be an obstacle. So, I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.

I’m 24, I’ve never been in a relationship and never even kissed a girl (I’m seeing an escort soon for this purpose), and the way things are going, it seems this is my destiny. I can’t take it anymore. Years upon years of (involuntary) loneliness have severely damaged me emotionally, especially when I see everyone around me managing socially with no effort whatsoever. I’ve been depressed for a few years straight, with short periods of apparently false happiness and optimism. Each morning is a torture for me when I see I have to go through yet another day full of emotional torture and boredom. I don’t even have a job because I won’t be able to handle one due to my depression, so I’m also underachieving in life, all because of girls (I don’t hate girls, but if they cared about me, they’d give me a chance. None of my female friends have shown desire to be with me, nor help me find somone). My therapist is unable to help, since whatever he does, the main problem remains: I’m lonely and girlfriendless. No matter how much therapy I get, unless I get a girlfriend, my depression won’t go away. And even if I do get a girlfriend, the damage is done, so in either case I’m going to die young.

So, I’ve decided that if things don’t improve in a few years, perhaps until I’m 28, or 30 max, I’m going to put an end to my life (I’m going to end my life either case, since the damage is done, and it’s irreversible). I’ve researched and found a reliable method. I’m just afraid of what’s after. What if I reincarnate? Or, what if there’s a hell and I end up in hell (this is ironic as I’m not religious, but still the possibility remains)? What I want after I die is to simply cease to exist, which is a terrifying thought by itself, but since I won’t exist anymore, it surely won’t bother me once I’m gone. So, how can I gather the courage to end my miserable and worthless life?

Here are some things you can google if you want to understand my situation better: incel, love-shyness. It seems that I fit under love-shyness, which apparently is leading me to be incel and unable to obtain a partner, which is torturous.

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General

Sudden depression

by disgusting
written by disgusting

Sitting at work and having it hit me, how can I be so disgusting, so gross, so untouchable? Just thinking of things I can’t really get in to here, but of course it concerns the guy I love. Why’d he ask me long ago if I could be friends with benefits if the thought of the slightest touch of me is so gross and disgusting? And why in the hell do I have to be the ugliest person in the world? Why couldn’t it be someone else?!! What the fuck did I do to deserve being so fucking gross and ugly?!?

But also, I think I have to mention that it’s true, about that guy on facebook that we met at the concert. He is dead, and seems like he killed himself though no one has directly said that. I still wonder if it’s connected to being outed by the older man he was dating? I’d like to know, but since I don’t know him that well at all and no one’s saying what’s up, I won’t ask.

Third, I’m in a shit ton of pain worse than ever before and I don’t know wtf is up. My feet (especially the left) hurt all over the entire bottom, like a heel spur but all over. My knees feel like they’re going to break in half any second. My thighs are so tight, tense and locked up solid I can’t move. I’m going to need a wheelchair! I’m even getting some pain in my arms and elbows but not nearly as bad. I guess it could be worsening nerve damage since no one will do shit for my back.

And I forget what else I had to say…

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General

Will this kill me?

by chelle428
written by chelle428

My father keeps a revolver in his top dresser drawer along with bullets for it. It’s a .357 magnum and I don’t if this is a high enough caliber to kill me if I shoot myself with it. I know sometimes with lower caliber guns they don’t kill you, or they take some time to kill you. I don’t want to fuck it up and end up with brain damage or be paralyzed forever or something like that. So I was wondering if this is a high enough caliber gun to kill me?

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