what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that my ability to feign the ability to function as a human ought to has an expiration date (something similar happened last spring as well). I should be doing so much better than this but instead I just continue to let myself get worse.
in other news, my therapist thinks I should look into medication this fall. I’m ambivalent. everything I’ve seen here seems to point toward medication being useless at best, and doing more harm than good at worst, but then I guess that the people whose medication worked wouldn’t be on a suicide forum. if anyone’s still reading to this point, could you let me know if this might be a good idea? also, should I tell her that I’m suicidal? originally I was a definite no on that but now that she’s told my mother I’m depressed and cutting, I’m not sure how much more damage could be done. I know it’s so weak, but it’s so goddamn hard to have to drag myself through every tiny thing that should be easy, and then have people wonder why I don’t try and am so useless. the weak, ugly, childish part of me wants to be coddled somehow. but then maybe she wouldn’t and would just be disappointed in me for it, since disappointment is the only reaction I can elicit from anyone anymore. (again, if anyone is reading, can you advise as to whether I should tell her? I would appreciate any advice.)
I’m sorry about how whiny this is.