i turned fourteen ten days ago.
hey. today is friday the 13th. but, it doesn’t make much of a difference, since all days of life for me hold a significant amount of bad luck and misfortune.
It’s days like today when I hate you the most for leaving us all alone…it’s days like today when I hate myself for hating you and everything you’ve done. I can’t change the past, I can’t bring you back, and I have no way to get to you because death is just too far away. She brings your light back into the world but it’s days like today when she’s a screaming crying hurricane that I wish you were here so you could quiet the storm, just hold her one time but you can’t even do that. It’s days like today when I hate you for everything you’ve done.
Days are exhausting and nights drag on.. You haunt my mind and lerk in my memory. I can never seem to get you to leave. As hard as I try to wish you away i know you’ll always be haunting me.. Broken and numb empty to the core
The railing looked so easy to smash my car is heaver then it can hold. These were the thoughts traveling through my head today as I skipped college classes to “run away fro my feelings” . This morning I found out my ex boyfriend already has a new boyfriend. he is thin pretty and motivated. I am none of these. I loved him for the two years we had so deeply only to be tossed asside when out of comfort with him i gained weight and just relaxed. He wanted to break up so badly but he wouldnt be “the bad guy” he would sit me down and have talks about how “maybe we arnt right for eachother” In the end he waited untill he broke me. For me to be the one to seperate us. He made my heart bleed untill i released him. Im pathetic thinking someone could love me. My dad didnt when he called me a ******. my mom didnt when she layed in bed for days so distraught that somthing like “gay” would happen to her son. I havnt left my room for months except to go to school and feed my lard ass. I was waiting for him to remember he loved me. I was waiting for the pain to stop. But now all that is going through me is…it can stop…i can stop it. For once i have power over the suffering. I pushed a needle through my arm and it didnt even phase me at this point. my insides are cold and barren. I dont know why i write this. Why i looked at the suicide preventions number. The world feels so seperate from me. I could call this number and a person Ive never met could pretend to care long enough for me to return to my body. I supose i sound dramatic and “oh poor fagot he lost his boyfriend boohoo”. I lost my heart,my love and the only person ive ever trusted in my 23 years on this rock. I lost my insparation my hopes and dreams and the one person i could relly on to hold me and tell me the world was ok. My light it gone and I have no intention of relighting it. Though if i have my way I will not be here much longer I hope that those out there who read this can find light in my despair If you can find someone to reach out for and grab onto never let them go. Heal and let the love and emotions flow back in. Dont choke back your life with resentment and fear. Reach out and grab life before its gone. I bid you all farewell and good luck and hope the heavens have a brighter place for you then they have waiting for me.
62 more days to go. I met my then-future husband inÂ the state where I grew up and was practicing law. His work took himÂ to another state and I accompanied him after we got married.Â I’ve been a stay at home mom all this time — 13 years.Â He makes a good living but he’s a compulsive debtor. IÂ kept us afloat with my inheritance — overÂ $100,000.Â We’re in the middle of a divorce and it looks likeÂ our house will have to be sold because I cannot get a mortgage in my own name due to my not having a two-year work history. Â I love my house and our daughter loves our house — it’s paradise — and it didn’t cost too much. I have no assets of my own anymore, so I can’t get a mortgage to buy anything. I’m 50 years old and if I die then he can get the house and my daughter can continue to live in it. He can well afford it.
Days like today make me recount the week that I was hospitalized and my mother was the ONLY person who visited me, aside from my fiancee, who expressed the entire time how much he didn’t want to be there and constantly found excuses to go do stuff somewhere else. I’m so lonely. I’m not sure what it is about me that just repulses people. Nobody acts like they truly want to spend time with me. Right now I’m sitting alone at my kitchen table while I watch all of my fiancee’s friends play the new Mario Kart 8. There’s nowhere for me to sit and they haven’t even asked if I want to play or made room for me anywhere. It’s been this way the past three days. I get depressed so easily and so lonely, I want to just die. His friends also make me feel worthless. They walk all over me and I try to be nice and make them brownies and food.Â
I should probably kick them all out, I know, but I’m just too nice. It’s hard for me to kick people out of my house. Anyway, I’m too lonely. Nobody would notice if I died.
How do other people manage? Â Going about the mindlessness of life. Â I guess they drink themselves silly and distract themselves with other meaningless things. Â Squabbles over stupid crap or finding something they can say serves as an interest or something they can tell an interviewer they do in their free time. Â Even though all of this essentially serves no purpose, at least they have other people and money and can put aside for a moment the general zombification of being a wage slave, the growing dissatisfaction with Western life.
I can feel the pain building inside me, even though they’ve tried to numb me to it. Â I can feel it like the pressure of a boiler building up inside of me and the whole time it calls me to relieve it. Â I don’t know how to do so besides cutting off the power entirely. Â Boy, that would be a dream.
I never had days where I’d wake up but not really wake up, if you know what I mean. Â Where I’d be… well, I can’t explain it. Â I’m too tired to even think straight. Â I’d spend all day sleeping or in a state of daze. Â It’s starting to happen. Â Today, despite being on medication that makes me sleep, I woke up multiple times during the night, ending on a bad dream to boot. Â Despite getting up, I went to the couch for a little but and next I knew it wasn’t 11:30 anymore but almost 3. Â Only a phone call from some unknown idiot place that has called me several times a day for weeks woke me. Â Still tired. Â Then I went to a pointless meeting with the nurse practitioner. Â Still tired.
I’m medicated, perhaps over-medicated, on shit that can’t help me. Â I threw away my medication once, years ago, when I got sick of it. Â And now it’s back. Â It makes me even more of a zombie. Â If I can feel nothing, it must be true, regardless of how long I’ve done nothing. Â I’m tired of being tired and numb. Â I hate simply existing for the sake of existing. Â But what can I do? Â How do I fix this?
I don’t think anything can suffice, honestly. Â Besides not enjoying anything, besides having no money, besides being alone… even if I weren’t tired, numbed, sedated. Â Someone told me you can learn to be an adult at any age. Â I don’t think it to be possible. Â That only I can change it is correct, but it’s like the Metallica song. Â Only I can save myself, but it’s too late. Â Too much damage was done to me before I even knew what was going on. Â And the world is the kind of worthless place that doesn’t have a place for someone like me. Â I cannot live, but I cannot die, either. Â The thought of dying before experiencing anything good in life appalls me, and yet it is the choice I would take if I could.
What the hell am I supposed to do, man? Â Why do they keep stringing me along, forcing me to exist when I need to sleep? Â I feel like it looks outside – muffled, lifeless, snowed under. Â I am very sick. Â Very sick indeed. Â I need medication? Â I need a life, which is incompatible with me… freedom is a lie. Â No amount of counseling can save me from this malaise, can make me an acceptable part of this world. Â I am the forgotten one.
I am half-sick of shadows.
Today sucked…This has got to get better eventually….All that i can think about is ending it all….I dont know what to do…There has got to be more than this…i cant keep going on like this…everyday i feel another piece of me die……
Days since suicidal thoughts: 0
Days since cutting: 0
Feelings at the moment:
~Wishing for death
It’s been 10 minutes since I cut last.
Big deal right?
I promised my boyfriend I wouldn’t cut anymore.
Of course I broke.
I knew I wouldn’t last more than 2 days.
I was wrong.
I lasted 3.
can’t I just,
In audible words, unspoken.
beaded with glossy notes
enforced to falter.
I peer into my own heart
and I cry.