Why is it so tiring? Why? I am abjectly sick of living in this world.
My head is consumed with suicidal thoughts. It screams into my ears, screaming for me to throw my body over a bridge, stab myself with a knife, or hang myself. These thoughts are like a sound, a piercing sound, a frequency that I can only hear. It won’t stop unless my depression can disappear. It is booming into my ears. It is so intense! I can’t stand it. So very tired…
I experience so much agony from this tiredness that befallen on me. I am exhausted to the bones. Unfortunately, this carried out on to my school work. Actually, I had trouble with doing my school work because I had to be in this mood to do it. Now, I couldn’t do my assignments at all. I am so tired, so very tired. I have been absent from school for about a week or so.
I want to be a scientist. Too bad for that! I am going to fail school. Then I can’t reach that one goal. I want to burst into tears yet I can’t. Screw my psycho-motor retardation!
I really want to suicide! But my therapist keep on saying, “you shouldn’t think about it,” or, “why don’t you try doing this…” But how can I stop? How? I can’t adapt to my school. I can’t do my school work probably. It is so frustrating. Why is it so hard to adapt to this world? I hate it so much! So he suggested me to get medications, well, indirectly. Maybe I will…but then there is my mother.
My mother told me that I should do what is easy for me, or just quit school, or try to reach grade 12 so I have an opportunity. I would if I didn’t have a failure in my capacity to adapt to this world soundly. If I quit school then the rest of my life I have to do something that I don’t want to do. It is so painful. It is so tiresome. It is so utterly grotesque. I hate that the only future job that I could think of is relating to science. Because I really want to became a certain scientist. She doesn’t really want me to get medications because she have heard bad stories about these antidepressants. But I am desperate right now, it is either suicide or try out medications.
If medications doesn’t work, well, then one of my dream and desires is death. Or you could say ‘suicide’. However, everyone around me always condemn this way of ‘solving my problems’. They always say, “this isn’t the way,” or, “you are still a child.” Why can’t I? Why? Why do you make me feel so bad if I do kill myself? I just want peace in my life! I just want the silence! I want to be non-existent and forgotten! I am starting to fail at living. I am exhausted. And yet people like my mother want me to live? Is there even euthanasia in Australia for these special cases? Gods….I am suffering.
And I am sorry that I am not perfect. Sorry that I am not normal. Sorry, if I am selfish for thinking about these things. Sorry…-sigh-
When will the suffering end?
Note: I am new to this site. So, hey if anyone is reading this, I hope I get to know about this place more and its community unless I suicide earlier than I expect to. Hope to know you guys or so.
Sincerely from a depressed adolescent