i hate the monster inside me squeezing my heart, making me feel like im not good enough for anyone, never happy for everyone, always making people irritated with depression, im sorry everyone
Depression And Anxiety
The suicidal thoughts I’m having at the moment are extremely powerful and although I know I can’t do anything about them (I couldn’t hurt my family that way), I’m not sure what I can do to assuage them.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother and grandmother.Â As you might expect, myself and my brothers were neglected regularly, but only I experienced the full weight of the emotional abuse from my grandmother.Â My childhood left me extremely depressed, angry and hopeless, with body dysmorphic disorder, an eating disorder and little or no self esteem.Â When I was 18, my older brother committed suicide.Â His death threw me into years of dysfunction, including alcohol abuse (I’m not proud of it but it was, after all, the way I had learned to cope with problems in life).
My father, divorced from my mother by the time I was 7, has bipolar disorder.Â I am now essentially his carer, but it is destroying me.Â He is verbally abusive to me and I am afraid of his anger.Â He seems to hate women and that makes me feel even worse about myself.Â Lately he has been going through a severe manic episode, in which he was suffering delusions of persecution.Â I have tried to be there for him and help him, but I just can’t do it anymore and I feel totally and utterly exhausted.
I used to be highly intelligent and academic, but I didn’t use my qualifications – I think my childhood left me unable to commit to anything.Â So now, I live in a crummy flat, work part time in a box office and have no partner (and I’m nearly 34 and female).Â I really feel worthless and like life is not worth living.
These are the main things I am struggling with, but it is all so much more complicated than I can explain here.Â I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m really struggling with these thoughts.Â My mind seems to present a constant stream of bad memories, snapshots of horrendous things that have happened to me and horrible things people have said.Â I wake up every morning with extreme feelings of anxiety and hopelessness.
The trouble is, I have consistently sought help.Â I live in a region of Ireland where there is very little provision for mental health services.Â I am under the care of a psychiatrist and had been seeing a counsellor, but she could only take me so far.Â There isn’t really anything much else that I can do.
I just wish my life would be taken in some other way.
we think we are superior than animals, we are animals ourselves. our houses made of wood and rocks. that’s all we are, a speck, waiting to go back to dust. that’s all we are. why experience this life at all? what gives. it’s sad to think I used to believe in magic, magic don’t exist. happiness don’t exist. life is just some big joke, one big mistake. my thoughts are the cause of my very depression and anxiety. I envy the dead.
Hey guys, my name is Fabienne, I’m 17 and from New Zealand and I have been at war with myself since I was born. Literally. Mum said ‘you came into this world not really wanting to live’ so I guess life-long depression is my diagnosis. I’ve been bullied for having eczema since I was 5, being called names like “Scabby” and things like that, then was ostracized from age 6 through till age 14 at school.Â I moved schools in Spetember 2009 and started to get boys attention for the first time and ended up giving my body to them so I could feel ‘normal’ and not ‘scabby’ or ugly like the monster I believed I was. Still believe I am. I now get called ugly and scabby but also ‘slut’ and other similar names. I have been cutting for the past 6 months and use my eczema to rip my skin open. I love piercings and tattoos because they are forms of pain that make my body into a different kind of art, masterpiece, canvas, whatever you’d like to call it. I got help 2 weeks ago when I told the school nurse what’s going on, and my mum came to talk to her. Saw bunch of different nurses and doctors, including the Crisis team last Friday.
At the moment I’m on medication, but have relapsed twice in the past 3 months and don’t really know how I feel about it. I want help but then I don’t want people trying to offer solutions that take effort. I guess that’s part of the whole Depression and Anxiety picture. The only thing that has gotten me through is my need to change society for the better and knowing that if I go down, there’s a bunch of kids who would follow me into the ‘light’ and I don’t want that to happen. It is also my dream to give birth to a beautiful baby girl who I have dreamt about since I was 11. She is my motivation.
Well, that’s me, nice to meet you all.. I think..
I’ve been battling on and off depression and anxiety for three years, but my parents don’t understand, no matter how much I talk to them. I can never get along with them. They fight with each other frequently over different things. Just today my parents were yelling at each other over my brother, who has autism. He couldn’t understand a simple topic, which caused my mother and him to get in a fight and leave her in tears. Then my father came and yelled and her. Then they yelled at each other. Then they both left. This happens a lot, and my mother talks about how the world would be better if she committed suicide.
When my brother was in Kindergarden, he had to repeat it because he was so low-functioning, which makes him now in the same grade as me. Now he is better, but he still very autistic. When we moved to our new city a few months ago, my brother went to the same school as me. I thought I wouldn’t see him around, but I saw him every day at lunch, sitting along being teased by other kids. Every day I’d cry myself to sleep as I replayed scenes of him being taunted. Within a week, he was transferred to another school in the district by the request of me. I cringe every time people say the word ‘retard.’ They don’t understand what it means. They never will, not unless they know someone close to them with special needs.
With my brother, I couldn’t (and still can’t) bring any friends home, not that I didn’t have many. I’d make him and my mom sit upstairs or in another room while my friend/s and I would hang out quietly in another room. I’d never have fun at my house.
When people ask about my brother, I have to lie and say he is a grade above me. I also have to give him a fake name in fear that they’ll look in the yearbooks or something. I tell them he goes to a different school. But I’m tired of it. I want to break down. No one gets me. I can’t tell anyone about this because no one will understand. They’ll just make mean comments or something.
If I could, I’d put my brother in a bubble and send him to Mars so he can be away from all the bad people.
I’m slowly losing my faith in God. If He were really there, wouldn’t he have made my brother normal? Why was he born autistic?
I get so scared that if something happens to my parents, we’d be placed in an orphanage and be adopted separately. Maybe no one would want him. I also get scared that once my parents get old, I’ll have to take care of him. I’m not scared of taking care of him; I’m scared because I am so inexperienced and wouldn’t know what to do. But if I don’t take care of him, who will?
I don’t want much. I just want a friend who will be sincere and honest with me and who can understand me. I want a friend who knows what I’m going through.Â The ‘friends’ I hang out with at school are not very nice, and they say retarded a lot. They are smart girls, but they just don’t understand what retarded means. It is NOT a synonym for stupid, or dumb, or idiot. It means when you are mentally challenged, which goes much in depth than ‘stupid.’ \
If there’s someone out there who understands what I’m going through, please talk to me. Maybe we can help each other.
I feel like everything is pointless.. everything. What’s the point in it..
Especially if nothing good seems to last because I have trouble being happy and staying happy since I’m bi polar with schizoeffective disorder.. I don’t have many friends nor do I always want one.. the more relationships I have the crazier I feel. I’m afraid of being hurt..
I’m afraid of people, I’m afraid of myself..
I always try.I try so hard.. inside I’m a good person. Just scared :/
Abandonment issues.. ocd, severe anxiety, pcos, depression.. what’s the point if ill have to always have these curses that limit my happiness. Insomnia, night terrors..
Got addicted to sleeping pills so I don’t take the anymore especially since mirtazapine caused a huge schizophrenic breakdown it took 8 months for me to recover from and I still get delusional and paranoid..
Don’t touch meds anymore. Went through a lot. They terrify me now.
Feel so dead inside
Still you see some light in my eyes..
Just when I think I’m too dead for tears.. I begin to cry
Sometimes I cry too much..
Someday I think I can’t cry anymore.
Used to write poetry everyday.. now writers block keps my stuff from coming out and releasing onto paper..
I’m tired. Sleep deprived. Angry. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely but I crave solitude. Insecure and self conscious..
I’m too different to feel comfortable in my own skin 🙁
Feels like life is an illusion..
I always cry I want to go home.. but I am home. I feel like I belong nowhere.. I began driftng trying to find happiness.. realized I’m running from stress that’s everywhere in life.. I’m overwhelmed all the time..
Where do I belong I wonder.. when will things get better.. why do I have to be born this way.
I know I’m drowning in self pity. But nobody understands.. don’t be so quick to put me down for it. I’m tired of critisizm from everyone..nobody understands what its like to be in my shoes and have gone through everything I’ve been through.. I’m hopeless right now. Why am I here what purpose do I have.. maybe its true ignorance is bliss. Wish I didn’t think so much about things people don’t normally think about because that makes everything worse. Curiosity will kill the cat sooner or later :/
Just wanna live..
What do you want?
Life can be very difficult, I know how bad it can get, The pain of losing someone is second to none. If you know that pain then i am truly sorry for you. How about that I’m starting to tear up in a public internet cafe inÂ Delhi, and i already kind of stick out!!
Things that have helped me, I mediated three times a day, it is an amazing stress release and it helps me loads, I try to surround myself in friends and new people. Do not hide away, sometimes you need to be alone, but do not linger, loneliness breads depression and anxiety.
I also exercise like crazy, exercising releases good hormones and it makes you happier, plus(to quote my mother) “when you look good you feel good too”.Â Hobbies Hobbies Hobbies Hobbies Hobbies. unless you have happy and healthy mind then you should try and stay busy.
Talk to someone, if you have no one in your home life, then please at least share your story here, When you share your pain, when you write about the anger and the pain and everything you think no one in the world could ever understand, it will help, because you will no longer be alone anymore. whats even better is talking to a person one on one, just make sure its the right person for you.
Most important of all, the thing you absolutely have to do, the one little thing that you hide everyday, that little piece of you that you keep from the world because you are afraid, just…..
…… Be yourself, your true self, if your hiding your personality because your friends wont like you or because its not who your parents want you to be.
Be Yourself, If you have to wear a mask everyday IT WILL RIP YOU APART FROM THE INSIDE OUT, and you will start to hate yourself.
Be yourself, If your gay, if your an emo at heart, if your hiding your true passion in life, then your not really at all.
Be Yourself, If your friends don’t like the real you, find people who do, if your parents give out to you dont worry they will come around, and even if they don’t its ok, because you will be happier when your free.
I want to not be held back by the constraints and rules of society, I want to live life on my terms, I want to be free.
I hate my life. I hate my school. I hate everything that’s been going on. I cut everyday because I hate myself. Nothing helps. I hope I get shot. I hate life. I’m tired of my depression and anxiety. I constantly think about suicide. I need seriouse help. I really want to die
Hey everyone…..I’m 19 years old this year, and I’m a gay boy.
Being gay isn’t easy at all as I’ve always been the black sheep..if you know what I mean…I have always tried my best to fit in with the people around me, and I’ve succeeded in adapting, as I’ve always done my best toÂ ignored myself as a gay and being different from everyone around me.I was in a state of denial.
Everything was going pretty fine for myself socially I suppose..Until I started to go through the pressures of relationships and the like.I’m at a total loss here….my friends are all getting into relationships and what am I doing?Still standing still as usual.I hate it.I feel really jealous somehow of straight people, being able to go through life the way it’s supposed to be and enjoying it to the fullest.I’m the extroverted type…but if only…..I can somehow fit in to the cast with the rest, like everyone else.
Getting myself a boyfriend isn’t easy as well…Although I’m decent looking..Because I’m still in the closet about my status as a gay.I’m also in a dilemma whether I should be getting one or not..because I’ve been a pretty faithful Christian since I was 13, or tried to be.Mostly because of me being gay I question God and stuff.I’m so tired of this…What am I to do?But for now as a Christian…I don’t consider myself as one anymore, barely I would say.I have too much doubts about God and everything about this.I stopped going to church because of this matter itself…and because of another thing.
…and the other thing is that is because I have depression and anxiety.I feel church isn’t helping this one bit, the support people offer to me in church, saying God is with me, He will give me strength, seems so useless up to date, as much as I want to believe it is so, but until now I can’t prove that to be true for myself and my life.I’ve been into depression for about 2 years so far, was under prozac for a couple of months and stopped, due to financial probs.
I believe I got into depression for multiples of reasons, and mostly is because of who I am as a gay.I find it very unfair and devastating that I can’t live a normal life the way everybody else does.Okay, normal is so cliche, but at least a normal love life?I feel I don’t even have the right to love the people around me, I know I can love people in a sense I can call them my family and friends…but, what about having someone I can call my own?I’m in desperate need of someone to share my life with…but I don’t know..this is very upsetting.I get angry sometimes because God doesn’t allow me to love..how is that fair?What is life then for me?What’s there for me?I need to be loved too..
I’m very tired and exhausted emotionally & mentally from thinking about my life..I can’t imagine going through life alone all the way, without somebody by my side.I seriously wanna die already..and get this over with…I don’t care how..I just hope to end my life now.Accident or self-inflicted, I don’t care.Apparently I’m not strong enough to take all this in..I’m the type that would love to love and be loved…but it’s not possible is it?Where’s the life in my life then?I’m tired of not having anyone to understand me..but I can’t blame them because they do not know the real situation with myself as a gay and all.I’m tired….very tired of pretending and keeping it all in.I still feel deeply depressed and I believe I gave up on life…I need someone.Period.
I am new to this site and not sure how it works. I am hoping to find people who understand and do not judge. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for a few years. My family gets frusterated with me so I choose not to talk about how I am feeling with them. The last few weeks I have been very anxious due to the fact I have been in alot of pain and have to have shoulder surgery in three weeks. That will put me out o work for 4 to 6 weeks, just before my youngests graduation, and all of you that have kids goinng onto college know how expensive thier senior year is.
If it wasn’t for my children I know I would not continue to go on, but every time I feel suicidal I think about how I couldn’t mess up my childrens life like that.
In the scheme of things I know my problems are not that bad, compared to others, but I think we all have different breaking points.
THanks for listening to me vent.