My name is Benjamin and i’m 13 years old and a half. I’m an atheist and i live in Montreal. My first language is french and my second is english. I have a disease called hemophilia since i was born. Its a disease that makes your body more vulnerable to injuries. That means that when i’m hurt, it will hurt more longer and it will take more time to recover. I’ve been hurt to my ankle a lot so now i’m in a wheel chair and i can’t walk for a long time. I am a sportive guy and i love sports especially hockey and football. because of this i cannot play the sports i love. I didn’t even learned to skate. When i started school, i was obligated to have someone to look for me. She was women and she used to humiliate me and scare people. I’ve had less friends and less liberty. it’s been going on for 6 years up until middle school. It was going worse and worse after each year. my teacher even began to hate me and the class to reject me even if i wasn’t doing anything really bad. when i got to middle school i thought that my problems where all gone but i was wrong. I began to love science. i began to ask myself many philosophic questions like why are we alive, what was before the big bang and what happens after you die. This is also how i became an atheist. My grades even got lower and my parents were putting pressure on me. The only positive things were that my class wasn’t rejecting me, the teachers didn’t hate me and i had more friends. i’m doing a lot of depressions these times because ofÂ my parents putting pressure on me even if it’s vacation and because i ask myself more and more philosophic questions. i am going crazy. please help.
Set your gazes to the sky,
Look your sadness in the eye.
I don’t believe you want to die,
Silly, crying child.
Brace yourself against the ill.
Stand strong and ignore the chill.
Placate the monster with a pill.
And you with life will reconcile.
Warm yourself in rays of sun
Set tasks that can be done
And then you’ve normalcy won
If you go that extra mile
Bring yourself to places new
Take great care with what you do
Beget another friend or two
It will be easy after while
Build it up, build it high
Your life should now reach the sky
Live now not as a passerby
And then close rank in-file
No need for inconsolable
No need to feel depressions pull
No need to be that weeping fool
Another “cured” to join the pile…
I am new to this site but clearly, spending just a few minutes reviewing posts and the fact that IÂ even landed on this site makesÂ it clear that I have a lot in common with most of the audience here.
My challenge is thatÂ most of the posts are about being blamed our being bullied or about others not perceiving you as being good enough etc….. which I cannot identify with. The reason I hate myself and see no reason for being around is that I hate my depressions and my sadness -Â people looking at my life from the outside would envy the life I have, would envy the love I receive fromÂ myÂ partner, family and friends – an unconditional love that is still there even though they know that I was lying, cheating, living a double-lifeÂ and deceiving everyone I ever cared about for years….Â TheyÂ are all still there for me….Â Â I should be happy but my mind just keeps shutting down and wants nothing but staying in bed, feelingÂ sorry for myself, hating myself for feeling sorry forÂ myself sinceÂ nothing isÂ wrongÂ while trying hardÂ not to open thatÂ bottle of wineÂ until 6pm…
I blameÂ myself for what I did, I hate myself for not being happyÂ when I have everything I ever dreamed ofÂ while so many others have so manyÂ realÂ challenges in lifeÂ (realÂ tangible struggles as cancer, being addicts, losing their job,Â losing their house, their wife, facing wars and the list goes on….) Â and I am sitting here, havingÂ achieved everything I thought I wanted but pathetic enoughÂ to feel sorry for myself…
I stick around because of all the people that support me and make me get up in the morning and putÂ on myÂ happy face – they keep me alive but I would like to get up one morning because I genuinely want to get up, not to please someone else but to get up simply because IÂ want toÂ have a great dayÂ – lots of people do thatÂ don’t they?
I just found this site via google and thought it might help me find some answers to what I should do now.
I’ve been having some serious depressions since I was 13,have been cutting myself for 5 years and had suicidal thoughts ever since.
I’ve been dating this girl for quite some time now and I’m seriously in love with her. The thing is that I’m feeling like I’m bringing her down,it feels like she is going insane and it is because of me. She realizes herself that something isn’t quite right with her and I’m too afraid to tell her that it’s probably me. I’ve started cutting myself again and she thinks its her fault,which it isn’t,but she doesn’t believe me. She is the only thing I have left in my life that makes me happy, I can’t leave her.I feel like killing myself is the only option I have left so she could live a normal life again.
Confused. That’s the feeling which describes me the most. I’m male, 22, and I’m currently engaged in a Master Degree. I had depressions before, I also had suicidal thoughts before, but I never tried it. I don’t fear my death, on the contrary, the idea itself is very pleasant to me, but I simply can’t decide wether I kill myself or not.
I know I’m responsible for all mistakes I’ve made. Problem is that I’m the failure. I feel like I shouldn’t stay alive because I’m a pain for everyone who surrounds me. I do have some friends, my parents are divorced, but fine, and they are the only reason which holds me back on my decision. I know killing myself is the right thing to do, but, why can’t I do it? Am I such a coward for not doing what I need to do?
All these things keep going into my head and I become even more confused. I already have the things I need to get rid of myself, but I simply can’t. I think this is the only way for me to rest. I’m tired of it all and nothing matters. I want and I deserve to die. If I had the strenght to do it before, everybody around me would be much better now because I wouldn’t be there to screw up their lives, to hold them back and to be such a disaster and failure I’d become.
Maybe I’ll soon get the courage needed to commit suicide and accomplish the only right thing in my life, then, it will be past and everybody will be happy after all.
I don’t know whats important in my life, what i want , what i’m looking for :EÂ I have cool job with a very good salary and future opportunities, so i need to improve my skills and knowledge more and more but.. : /Â sometimes i’m Ok and I don’t care about such kind of a things, but often I have long depressions and wishes to die..Â I don’t know what’s missing in my life, why am i so different, I don’t even get on with someone they all are at most liers, fools or trying to be fool or something :/ and that makes me to hate them, so i don’t have any reason to love anybody. It’s even hard to have a real friend.. Â I always say to myself that just never mind I’m too young think about that keep going and you’ll find your type of girl 😀 or something that don’t makes you to give up : / so if i believe in this everything goes pretty cool,then I continue learning the stuff with more and more complex thing, but suddenly i realize that i’m still alone,very bored about my profession, job, people around me and so on and the only thing I’m thinking is to die. And that stops me develop, to be a real expert in my profession, to be close to my friends I always try to ignore them, I don’t do thing i have to do and others : / but finally I just cant move on, I can’t control myself, I’m trying trying but its hard enough to think before every step i I take : / I don’t know why am i posting here but i just wanted to tell somebody what’s in me :E maybe i’m mad, fool, or stupid 😀 but who cares? 😀 so sorry for boring :E
Here I stand, in front of the mirror once more. The disgusting creature standing before me is not me, not the me I ever wanted for myself. Unmotivated to even live my life anymore I see the imperfections of the body, the lies behind my eyes. I am not the type one wouldÂ imagineÂ to have such thoughts, I am the cheerful one, the intelligent one, the kind hearted soul. Even as I smile at myself I see the lie, theÂ deceitÂ behind the sweet gesture. I want so much to be saved by my lover, the man I have given everything to, but only solitude awaits me. I say nothing to indicate my troubles, so he does not know, all because it is so easy to hide behind a text. The lies are easier when I am not near him, I know he would care, I know he would help me through this, but if I let him help me I will only fall for him even more. I won’t let myself love him, not openly, he is not mine, nor will he ever be. He is in love with his freedom and I would never ask him to give up something so important for my sake. I can not lean on him for forever, he is not mine. I can not let him help me, even though these thoughts are starting to make aÂ dangerously logical conclusion with my life ending as the final result. There is simply not a future for someone like me, someone who’s only talent is to make people smile. Such a worthless talent, such a waste of life for something so unimportant. I will continue to make others smile, its just my nature, but I amÂ corrodingÂ away. I myself will continue to cry alone in this dark room, with only my reflection toÂ accompanyÂ me into the depressions of my mind. Â I do not want to live here anymore, I just want to fade away, to simplyÂ disappear. I do not want anyone to cry for me, I do not want them to dwell on my death, but I also do not want them to forget. I want them to remember so that perhaps, in some small way, there is proof I onceÂ existed.Â That is my selfish wish.
I really want to cut.. Anything to numb the pain. I’d kill just to be able to find a single blade.. Anyone know any other ways besides razor blades? I’m just.. Really sick of everything. I’d rather cope this way, than any other way. My depressions been way too crazy lately. Help me out anyone?
Why is it that the girl i love the most either helps me out of my depressions, or brings me to my knees? And also random question (sorry ADD) but why can some birds fly and others can’t?
The thing about my cutting, is that I can’t stop, it’s the only way I even know how to cope. My parents tried to force me to quit cutting. The stress made me want to do it even more. So I continued and even picked up smoking. They stopped trying to make me quit, because they thought they did a good job, and that I had quit. They all have no clue I continued or picked up another habit. I just cut less than two hours ago, my entire stomach basically. Covered in blood from my habit, burning from all the pain. I sadly like it. It makes me forget, when I cope this way, nothing is there for those few seconds, and just forgetting for even one second alone helps. I don’t know why, so don’t bother asking. Don’t bother saying you care, because you don’t even know the real me. And if I took the path of suicideÂ tonight, in everyone’s book, I’d just be another girl who took her life because she was “only thinking of herself”. I’ve thought about who it would mainly affect. Really only my bestfriend. But she’s just like me, so if I do chose that path, shed prolly be right there with me. I’m so sick of people lieing and say they would care or how they’re always gonna be there for m, and I can talk to them at any time. No, I really can’t. No one understands, and they would all find me insane. I wake up everyday, instantly wishing I would just die. I can’t even focus in school because that’s all I think about, either that or depressions always is right there to hit me. I hate life. Nothing helps, literally nothing. I’m 14, and have already decided that my life is pointless.
So I had this plan worked out that this would be my last year. I would take the time to work things out so I could leave on my own terms. I know it sounds dumb. Suicide is supposed to be impulsive in a way; pain building until you can’t take anymore. But I want to make myself into a person worth remembering in a good way first. I know I can’t live much longer, I just don’t want to. I have my up days and my severe depressions and I always come back to the same place – there’s no point in keeping this up.
Unfortunately as logical and thought out I believed my plan to be I can’t help panicking when I really start to think about it. The thought of actually ceasing to exist is scary. I’m scared. And I don’t want to ruin my family, which I will. It’s impossible not to think about what they’ll do. I know I won’t be around to see it but come on, no one’s that selfish.
I guess what I really wish is that I’d never been born in the first place. No need for me to have to make this decision. No feeling suffocated and trapped between life and death. I never wanted a life but now I have one and ending it isn’t going to be easy.
Guess I’m sticking around for a bit. Waiting for a little enlightenment.
People have told me, “Don’t do it, Emma” and “You can talk to me about anything”. But I can’t. I know I’m not alone in this but it always feels like I am. I’ve had people call the Suicide Hotlines on me and I’ve helped other people get through their own depressions but I can never seem to shake the pain, loneliness, jealousy, or depression. I have problems I know I need to fix but I just can’t.
Im 14. My name is Emma and I live in Colorado. When I was three, my mom and dad divorced after my mom knowingly broke my younger brother’s leg and blaming it on my dad. My dad went to jail for a few days until it was proven that it wasn’t him but my mom got away scot-free. My dad was in and out of my life for all of it, only staying for a week at best. I have been to nine schools in various states all because of myÂ mom’s whims. I lived in Hawaii for two years where I went to two schools until I moved BACK to Colorado after my almost- step dad nearly killed my younger brother and I had to send him to jail, along with my mother. I was in foster care for six months, separated from my only sibling and my entire family. The place I was in had infestations of various bugs and the people were horrible. Luckily, I was in an all-girls room but if I had had to share with the guys, I would have most definitely been assaulted and/or raped. I moved back to Colorado to live with my dad last year (2011), leaving my brother behind. My dad “dealt” with me for 6 months then disappeared. Last I heard, he was just getting back from a cruise in the Caribbean with his girlfriend who was actually a really nice person. My mom had been an alcoholic and total stoner for most of my life. When she was a teenager, she had been “easy” to sleep around with. Apparently, she had had an abortion or two before me that I didn’t know about. She had me at 19. I was always too short or too young for everything. My younger brother had a tendency to get everything he wanted while I was stuck with anything my mom could get for free. On the last day I lived with them, my brother had an Xbox, a GameCube, a Nintendo DS, and a Laptop. The only electronic I had was an old alarm clock that my “step-dad” threw away, and a cell phone that I only got because it was 10 dollars a month to track my every move. I never smoked and I only ever used to drink when I could get away with it. I hate cutting and I will never do it because the pain is unnecessary and pointless. Recently, I’ve been kicked out of the Technical Theatre class at my school (Which was pretty much my LIFE even if nobody talked to me), Denied every solo and duet I’ve tried out for ( 5 total), and gotten put in the one choir I DIDN’T audition for. All my friends are either non-existent, never around, or aren’t really my friends. My family is sporadic and spread out. I’m living with my grandpa in the middle of Mormon Suburbia and I’m Atheist. I love my family and don’t want to hurt anyone but I’ve been depressed and sick of my life for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the day it gets better but it only ever gets worse. I’ve had one long-term boyfriend who had a terrible accident in which he nearly died, and we broke up because he was desperate and I was getting sick of it. I have plenty of interests in guys but none of them are interested in me. The one person in life that I want to talk to has been dead for four years and I’m at my wits end with everything. I’ve been waiting for something that will never come. I’m going to die eventually. Why not make it a bit sooner?
All the things I’ve tried to do with my life has backfired and now I’m just going to take one bottle of pills and a Dr Pepper and finish this. Hopefully it wont backfire this time.
Well I’m the youngest in my house. I’m 13 and everybody else like 2 , 3 , 5 , and 6 years older Â then me. My 15 year old sister that was there when I was getting sexually abused keeps taunting me about the sexual abused when I was little Â ! She making me feel even more bad about myself. I know I’m doing the wrong stuff like I was about to have sex with a 23 year old man. Well I need to slow down and stop everything I’m doing. Well my mom thinks I try to act like my big sister , with my behaivor. Well I’m not. I dont even like my big sister because she makes me feel like everythings my fault ! Well I’m gone try my best and stop having sex, drinking , and smoking!!! I just turn 13 like some months ago and I feel so depressed. I don’t feel like a normal kid. Well Can Everybody give me advice
A few years ago I lost a lot of money on the stock market and various investments which I thought was safe.Â A couple years before that, if the first issue wasn’t enough, my parents divorced in a horrible drawn out legal battle.Â Â I think I made the mistake of investing my money at the time because I was also dating this girl and she dumped me for one of my best friends — totally brutal.Â In the preceding few years up until about a year ago, I was in the deepest of depressions to which I started taking medication for.Â My depression was pretty bad and I managed to make a fool of myself when I was medicated with anti-depressants.
After a few months I grew tired of feeling sorry for myself so I started developing a website to help myself keep busy in my spare time, but to also inform others of the dangers of spending money foolishly without thinking.Â Econochristian.com is my website.Â As you can see, I somehow discovered a path to religion when all of humanity seemed to have failed me.Â I guess this happens quite often, but it does help to rely on a religion with many followers to help you get back on your feet.
My friends and family really didn’t help me either, but I had one or two good friends who were really good to me and listened to my ranting and rambling.Â Times like these make you realize who your friends are and aren’t.
I’ve lived with Bipolar Type 2 since I was 12 years old.Â It is a form of manic-depression in which you don’t usually have psychotic problems, but you do have major mood swings — mild “ups” (hypomanias) followed by normal periods, and then crushing depressions.
I was not diagnosed until my middle forties.Â I attempted suicide three times in my early twenties. I still have sporadic suicidal ideas when I go through bad periods in my life. I’m nearly sixty now.
Since Bipolar Type 2 is genetic, it pervaded my family. My childhood was not good, to put it very mildly.
I know that when you are in the middle of this darkness, you feel trapped. You feel like every minute of your life is either painful, humiliating, dangerous, lonely, shameful, traumatic, angry, boring and/or dreary. I’ve been there.
Sometimes you feel that you can’t live with your bad memories of the past and your badÂ feelings about the present. You feel like things will never get better. I’ve been there.
That’s when suicide starts looking attractive, or at least like an end to the feelings of pain and failure. I’ve been there.
But I’m also here to bear witness that with counseling, medication, and some really good positive psychology books, things can gradually improve, and a new and better life can begin at any age. I’ve been there!
I’m about to enter my sixties, and life is not a bed of roses — but I have a lot of productive work and activities ahead of me, and you will too.
If I could time-travel and talk to myself as a teenager and a 20-something, I would have many positive achievements to show her, that would not have been possible if I had died.
You can learn better ways to deal with the pain, if it comes back from time to time, as it sometimes does. You can live past this pain, into a better and more productive and happier era of your life. Give yourself the chance to do that!
Now, a word about the people around us —
Many of us go through periods where we feel that family, romantic significant others, co-workersÂ and friends have abandoned us or are avoiding us. In some cases, they are not good people, and we need to end the relationships.
In other cases, they just don’t know what to do.Â Very few people understand what to do when a loved one is depressed or suicidal, unless they have read some books or are trained counselors.Â Sometimes they can be very strong supporters for us; other times, they are frightened or repelled by our problems and withdraw.
We need to be patient with them and educate them about small ways that they can help us that won’t stress them out too far — inviting us to the movies, taking us out for dinner, helping us find a good therapist, etc.
And we need to be realistic — at least those of us who are bipolar patients — that we can be somewhat exhausting to interact with when we are having a big mood swing — we have to guard against wearing our friends and family members out.Â I know this seems very unfair, but people who aren’t bipolar often totally don’t “get it” about our high levels of distress.
It might help our family and friends if we called or emailed each one of them once or twice a week — some of them can handle long daily phone calls — and we can ask them if they can handle that –Â and some of them can’t and would be better off hearing from us once per week.
But primarily, if weÂ get a therapist, medication, and started reading (or in my case, re-reading) some good positive psychology books, we can gradually pull out of the downhill slide, and enter a new phase in our lives.Â
If you haven’t done this yet, I urge you to spare your precious life and contact counseling and help immediately!
And if you are a bipolar patient, it really helps to find a local or online bipolar paitents support group. They “get” it!
Many blessings for a future of greater happiness.
From Struggling To Survive (who’s been where you are)
I haven’t posted here before.Â Actually, I feel a bit out of place among all the angst-filled teenagers and people who have real problems and shit like that.Â What’s my problem?Â Hard to put down in words,Â I guess, though I spend a lot of time trying to do it.Â I’m 33, I’ve lived a comfortable, middle-class life with kind, if emotionally-distant, parents.Â Did well enough at school.Â Went on to university.Â Expected to “achieve” something.Â But, really, something was wrong from the start.Â I write this, because, I don’t know, maybe there are other people in my situation out there.Â But, I don’t know, I seem to have been, virtually since birth, unable to find any kind of joy or direction or purpose in life.Â
So what am I doing on this site, you may ask?Â I have no crippling emotional pain, no traumas to overcome, I just, with every day, as I wake up, ask myself, what the hell do I have to live for?Â And I don’t mean that in the “Oh, what glories do I have to be grateful for?” kind of way.Â It’s just, ever since I can remember, I have hated myself, and been bored to distraction with life and everything it has to offer.Â And it’s not like I haven’t tried to find something to like–I’ve tried it all, well, inasfar as I’m willing to.Â I just think I was born half-dead and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sure, as a teenager, and later, even now, actually, I’ve gone down the self-destruction route.Â Drugs, drinking, underachieving, self-mutilation, bad relationships.Â None of it really did anything for me.Â Later I tried the self-improvement–higher education, travel, blah, blah, blah.Â But I still wake up every morning just hoping that today’s the day that I have enough courage to finally off-myself and be done with this miserable farce of a life I’ve been living.
So, I guess, I’m getting to the end of the line of things.Â Drugs, therapy, don’t bother suggesting it, I’ve done it, and, yes, when I’ve been in cataclysmic depressions, they’ve helped me get back to my baseline, but what am i supposed to do when my baseline is so far from anything I want to continue existing at?Â I ride the train, every day, and I look at the people sitting and standing around me, and I try to look inside them, and figure out what it is that makes them want to keep on living, and although I can imagine–family, friends, careers, maybe what they’re going to have for dinner–I’m just having a difficult time mustering up the enthusiasm for much more of this pointlessness.Â But, until I get a proper backbone, I know I’m not going to be able to kill myself, which makes it all so much more depressing.Â Why perpetuate such a useless, unwanted life?
I have a friend who’s going through a real crisis at the moment, and he has, on more than one occasion, invited me to join him in a suicide pact, but I always defer, and end up trying to talk him out of it.Â But why?Â That’s all I want to know, I guess.Â Why should I have to go on living, if life no longer offers anything promising or interesting to me?Â If it never did?Â Am I the only one who is so tediously bored with this supposedly joyous and wondrous gift of existence that we’ve been granted?Â Â When can I say when?Â
That’s all.Â It just need to be said.
1. If you go to a therapist, which I very, very highly recommend, be aware that you might have to go to several before you get one you feel can really help. Reserve the energy for that and know that there is a caring, competent one out there for you, despite the ones you may meet at first. It’s worth the search, the most important search youÂ will ever make. Don’t give up just because you may first encounter therapists you ca’t relate to. They all aren’t the same. The best are educators. They will explain how people, you and others, behave the way they do, which shifts the blame and clears a lot of confusion.
2. One therapist told me that all, ALL depressions are time-limited. The time for each person will vary, butÂ ALL depressions end. You want to be there when yours does. It’s inevitable, even though you may not see how.
3. For many depressed people, the future is a blank, a zero. If they can even walk away from the most depressing parts of the present, still they can’t picture having a future. For me,Â it was accepting that which made the difference. I reached the point, after some suicide attempts, that I didn’t even have enough energy to plan orÂ carry them out anymore. The crisises and hospitalizations had totally drained me. I was forced to find something to look forward to, to keep from going crazy. That became mealtime. So I accepted no future, and reading some mindless novels and mealtime as IT, my life. There was really no choice. This was all happening to an overachiever, and it was tough. The result was a vacuum with a lifeline to mealtime. The only life I had left. But you’veÂ heard the saying “Nature abhores a vacuum.” It’s true. When you totally give up, there’s space for something new to happen. Without my even trying, my life just started filling up with something else that was far better and gave me something to live for. I’m not talking religion or any philosophy. Just understanding that one day it will start lifting byÂ itself and to find just one little thing to hang onto meanwhile that gets you through the day.Â There may be some valleys afterward, but not so deep. Since that historic time in my life, I’ve read the same thing happening to others. This was 35 years ago.Â So much amazing, wonderful stuff has happened since then, that to say I’m glad I didn’t succeed is a far understatement. Surviving those timesÂ taught me a lot and made me stronger, for myself and others.