If I could go back for a day, I would change everything. My life is a story full of secrets and lies. My life is a huge lie. When people ask me what’s wrong, I just say I’m tired and they fall for it every time. What the hell, people? I want to vent, but I don’t trust anybody and the last time I said anything, they walked away. They walked away because I lied. I want to go back and fix it, but I can’t because I’m not worth it. Why do I have to endure all the pain and stress of this mess? I may be guilty, but I don’t deserve this. No one does. I quit it all. If I had the chance, I would take it, I just don’t know what I would say or do and if anyone reads this, which I doubt anyone will, just know, I would still give my life to see the one person that saved my life once already just one more time before I die. Is that really too much to ask?
I just want my life back. I lost it years ago and I miss it. I just want Amber to forgive me but she never will. My family is pretty much gone because most are just too selfish to even talk to anyone. They do nothing but fight and ***** about how shitty their lives are, but they don’t know how bad it can really be. I mean, they could be like me. Some are, but they are fighting it. They have the very willpower and persistence that I just can’t find anymore. I don’t deserve forgiveness or happiness and I can recognize it.
Hello. Haven’t posted in a while. Testing week was hell. Tired. Ended testing week off with an important interview. Felt like a fraud. I dressed up as something I wasn’t. Smiled. Used hand gestures. I was articulate. They seemed very pleased. The final question was why I thought I deserved the position. I wanted to scream out I didn’t deserve it. That I was a fraud. That I was a liar. That I was a horrible person. I sat there for 30 seconds. I finally came up with some bullshit answer. They said I got it. Went up to shake their hand. I felt a smile coming on to my face. I feel disgusted with myself. I’m a terrible person. Thank you for listening.
How dare you do this to me. If you wanted to die you should’ve done so by yourself, alone so you wouldn’t hurt anyone. Instead you fell in love with me, and made me fall in love with you.
You knew how badly I was hurt before. You knew I’d been abused, lost people, had people walk out on me or abandon me. You knew I was plagued by demons from my past. I thought I could trust you. You, of all people.
I can’t do anything without thinking of you. You’ve blighted my life with your loss. I just want to end things myself now. What gave you the right to do this to me? What gave anyone the right to hurt me? You knew you couldn’t hurt me any other way so you chose to do this.
You didn’t deserve to be loved. I should never have loved you.
I’m honestly sorry anyone’s even attempting to read this load of self-pity.
Am I really just a dog? I can’t be, my family likes dogs. So what does that make me? My brother and sister both talk to me as if I were a dog. My parents stand by and either continue it, or tell me to stop being such a baby about it. I know that at the end of the day, I am nothing and furthermore that my family sees me and recognizes the same thing; I am worthless.
I’ve honestly got the best friends I could ask for, and though they don’t know it as a fact, I think some of them are beginning to catch on to my want to rid the earth of myself. I would hate to think tha I am burdening them further; I’m already hard to handle. I want to tell someone, but I suppose I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve anything good.
I’ve been having this dream lately, where my whole family gets tortured and I am left to live. This horrifies me, not because I’m scared of being alone, but because I know that I deserve that kind of death; I want that death.
I legitamately hope that everyone hates me. I desere to be hated and despised. I don’t deserve kindness, I don’t deserve happiness, and I don’t deserve this life. I am so fucking disguusting. I literally can’t even stand to be around myself, and yet somehow, I hope someone will be able to stand me. But at the same time, I don’t. I hope I die a slow, excruciating death and my life is forgotten.
I am truly sorry.
I’m really sorry to anyone who wastes their time reading this, so I’ll try to make it short.
I am not a necessity, nor a nicety, so why do I continue to roam this bloody earth in hopes of finally being wanted. I’m not wanted now, I wasn’t wanted in the past, and I can’t help but think that I won’t be wanted in the future. I’ m a liar, an accident, an attention whore, a know-it-all, and just an all-around piece of shit. Why am I even still alive?
If it’s not a problem for anyone reading this, would you tell me if, from what I just said, I sound like a valuable member to this planet? Do I honestly sound like I am someone you would want in this world?
My two ideas about suicide are this; killing myself would be taking care of this world’s biggest problem, but it’s also ending my suffering, which I most certainly do not deserve. I don’t know what to do anymore because I literally feel like two different people, both sadists, who are deciding the fate of a mistake of a human being.
The only thing I’ve ever done in this world is defend my pride, and it has ruined me, my family, and my friends. Does anyone honestly think that I’m the kind of asshole you would want in this world. Outing myself would be the first (and only) kind thing I’ve ever done for anyone or anything. I’m screwing loads of people over by simply being alive, so what does it matter how much I love life? I don’t deserve to be happy, I don’t deserve to have an opinion, and I don’t deserve to be alive if it’s literally screwing everyone over.
I said that I was going to make this short, so I’m sorry for lying. Please don’t bloody forgive me, I don’t deserve it.
Someone. Anyone. Please. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t handle the noise. I can’t handle the pressure. Fake smiles. Teary eyes. Mirrors that hide the truth. No one to talk to.
Do any of us on this site even deserve what’s being handed to us? We don’t get a choice in how our life becomes, so why do we have to be the unlucky bunch? I don’t understand. I look at people and see, hear, even feel others’ happiness. Why do we have to the odd ones out? What did we do?
I keep thinking about what I might’ve done in my past to deserve a life like this, and I realized that I screwed up alot, nothing really intentionally. So by my account I should be even with the house, debt paid in full. It seems that not the case, so now I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the hand I’ve been dealt and I just gotta play it out ??? Like I said, I’m no angel but as an adult I’ve grown and always tried to learn from my mistakes, I try to help, and give, to live right. I’ve always stayed faithful, and to an extent I still am. I keep going back to the BIBLE and to the book of JOB. and wonder where my rewards might be ??? I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way. Again being here and reading everybody’s post has opened my eyes to alot of things, One of them and the most important thing, I’m not alone in this, there’s so many people that are dealing with the same things, and as heartbreaking as that is, it’s even more heartwarming to see a family that have never met each other, be there for each other, and I have to say thank you, maybe this is part of my rewards.
I’ve been flirting with suicide a lot more lately, and I’ve realized that it’s the only way out of the mess called my life. It’s shitty, but it’s what it is. I wasn’t blessed with a good life or happiness, I don’t get the same things other people get. This isn’t a suicide note or anything, just writing my feelings. But I’ve realized that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is fear. It’s a cliché fear but I don’t want to stop existing for eternity. I just want to be happier. And there’s a tiny bit of hope that I’ll finally be happy and at peace when I end it. I’m probably wrong but all you can have is hope, faith, and belief. So that I shall keep. I wonder what I did to deserve all of this pain and loneliness, I continuously wonder. But I haven’t come to a conclusion on that. There are a lot of things I wonder, like why everyone hates me, or just couldn’t care less about me. Why I got a life filled with so much hurt and so many other people get all of these great things. Everyone has someone, even if it’s just one person. I have absolutely no one, and it’s just become too much to cope with. So I’m going to end my life, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few months, but that will be the one I get in this life that’s all mine to decide and make what I want out of it. I really don’t anyone’s gonna care that I died, I think a lot will be happy, one less mouth to feed, right. I’m just kind of waiting for the perfect moment, when I know what I have to do and how to do it. Please don’t pity me or anything, I’m not writing this for people to feel bad for me and I can already see the hate comments coming lol. I really just wrote this to vent, and I feel this to be the safest place I’ve found so far where I can do that. If you actually read this thank you, have a great day/night.
My bf got out of hospital se had 2 good days i hope he stays better i been looking for job and stressed out cuz no one call me bk n i have to pay creditors bk im stress of this i hope all you are having a good thursday get a nice icecream u love today u deserve a treat i got my self recess cookie icecream
You are the most perfect you there is.
I’m not saying you are “perfect,” hence what society considers “perfect.”
I’m saying that the reason why you are perfect, is because you are you.
You are perfect at being you, because you are you.
There is no one who can be better at being you, than you.
Nobody can be you except you.
No one has the same laugh.
No one has the same smile.
No one sheds the same tears as you do.
You are a very cute specimen and you deserve a hug.
This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career etc. None of the significant moments that make up a meaningful life. I’m just here. Existing. Treading water. Stuck on the outside, watching, as everyone else gets on with building a life. Which feels unbearable.
If that’s how it is, then I suppose it makes sense to kill myself. All I’m doing by living is causing myself pain. I am something that it would be better did not exist.
Except that I’m fairly sure doing that would devastate my parents and my sister. I believe their lives are worthwhile. They don’t deserve that. And I don’t want to do it to them. I love them, in as much as I’m capable of caring about anyone but myself. Which would mean I need to protect them from how broken I really am, and try and maintain some sort of pretense of humanity for them.
I don’t know which is more significant: that who I am shouldn’t exist in principle, or that it should continue to exist for the sake of others, whose lives are worthwhile.
I’m also not sure how to go about such a pretense. How to contain all the self-hatred, anger, rage, regret, longing, sadness, loneliness, despair etc. I don’t know how you go about living with something like that. Other than various addictions, which become less and less effective over time.
How do you deal with being the sad, miserable loser who can’t be around people without them feeling awkward. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be this guy.
But I don’t know how to give the pretense of normalcy, while my mind is so full of shit.
I hope this isn’t breaking the rules… I’m a 48 year old man. Been kind of a rough and tough guy all my life. Never done drugs, though. Drank alot, smoked a little weed years and years ago… those were the days…. anyway, my whole world has come tumbling down. I know, you’ve never heard that before, but it has! I was married for 15 years and hated most every minute of it. Finally grew the balls to get out in 2010. Soon after I met the most beautiful angel! And, of course, immediately fell in love! It was wonderful! We were together for a year and a half before she suddenly flipped out and left me. She said I loved her too much and she didn’t deserve to be treated that well. She moved in with a junky who I guess treats her like garbage since that’s what she wants… I was devastated! It’s been almost 5 years now and I still think about her every day and how we enjoyed just being with each other! I can’t stand it! I’m now living with a woman who is obsessed with me! She loves me too much (ironic, huh?)! I’ve tried to jump into the game of playing house and pretending we will be happy ever after, but it’s not working! I had $250,000 saved up to start this new life and now it’s almost gone and I’m no better off than I was when I was married to the devil in 2009! I’ve stolen a few pills from my current girlfriend and I’m planning on doing the deed soon, like in about a week. I’m worried about vomiting. If I vomit, it is all for naught! I’m hoping some phenergen will help to keep it down and also plenty of Ativan to put me in a near comatose state until the 300mg of oxycodone does its job. I’m about to lose everything! I hate the woman I’m with, I can’t stand her kids, and most of all, I hate myself! I had the chance to make it good, but I blew it! I’m done! 48 is enough
I had an argument with one of my friends five days ago. I was really angry and frustrated, tired. I ended up taking it out on my friend. I said some things that made her mad , things I want to do but am too scared to do. We argued and finally I stopped talking. Only after I calmed down, I tried apologizing. She wouldn’t have it, saying she “wants out of it”. Meaning she’s done trying to help me. I felt extremely guilty for taking it out on her. I left her alone for a couple days, then tried saying something. She hasn’t said a word to me, so I guess she also meant wanting out of our friendship. I do these kinds of things to some of my friends, I think sometimes I might have BPD or something because of how I act. But then again I’m usually paranoid about what I might or might not have, so I most likely don’t.
We all need to anchor to something or I have my ups and downs right now is a down but at least the ups happen.
I never knew there was a video for this now 12 year old song. I was depressed when it came out and i still am. I may never overcome it honestly. In some ways i understand that. I dont know how ive lasted this long. There is plenty of reason to be proud of myself. I’m tired of the permanent loneliness. The emotional disconnect from humanity. I don’t have social networking/media. I have never dated regularly anyone in person. Ive never had real close friends save for a needy user. I have goals and hopes and even help with them. Im going to start some businessess with my sister. Thats how i keep myself out of the complete depths of depression. I’m so tired from work ive let all hobbies and intrests slip. I have moments like now (honestly since ive been typing its sort of passed.) These moments where i feel my life is meaningless and pointless and that me being dead would be the best option. So many people here are at the end of their ropes. Then i tell myself I HAVE been fighting all my life. I may be down in this moment but i will get up. I’ll be able to move and exist as i deserve soon enough. My dream is to have the business started by this year and have them be sustained by them by the end of next year. Im giving myself about 18 months of hope. (Its not this coming bday but my next one) if im still in this or a similar position im shooting myself and fallinng off the highest bridge i can get to. But in my heart of hearts i genuinely have reason to believe it wont come to that.
I am sad. It feels like the ocean waves rolled over and hit me on and on again, leaving me to sting all over. The pain pricks through the deepest parts of my soul. Angela, you spoke as if you were to die soon. You spoke as if what’s left of your life is very short and you want to spend it with your loved ones… You sounded so broken. And it hurts me. This pain, which has been existing for the past seven years, today resurfaced and hit me hard. Really hard. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Where is the young ambition? Where is the passion people of your age should have? Where is the dream that animates life? Where is the youth that enables you to climb the stairs in a flash? You deserve so much, much, more.
Where is the person responsible for this? Who has made you like this? Who broke you into a million pieces? Who left you to crawl alone in the deepest fiery pits of hell?
Why do humans do this? Why do they destroy? Why do they create, and leave their creation to cry in despair and not do anything about it? How could such a thing happen in this world. What a filthy world, what a shameless world.
It would seem that all of my plans and hope for a bearable future failed today, I wont bother with going further into details on this. I happened to have a meeting with my psychiatrist right after I figured that out and I just opened up and said that I cannot go on like this. I have to start preparations, my computer, hard drives, my room itself.. my online people.. things must be erased, those who knew me a little deserve to be informed if I go.. And now I am awaiting a call from an “emergency team” I don’t know what this means.. I don’t necessarily mind talking to anyone but I fail to see the purpose.. its all gone to hell.
This starts from where I left off, I will try to be brief. I especially don’t like to dwell on this, though I often don’t have much of a choice.
I got chlamydia from a guy. I tried to be safe, but I won’t go into those details.
I suffer from urethritis, which isn’t contagious. It just means I still experience irritation daily, but not all the time.
I don’t know how much of this is his fault. I didn’t hear this from him, but I was told by his ex that he was sexually abused as a child. Then he got kicked out during the time I had known him. I had gotten kicked out at varying points too. It’s just a fact that more gay people experience homelessness, sexual abuse, and suicide.
I remember my father saying “so youre going to become another statistic” at some point regarding depression and suicide. How easy it is to make a symptom into the cause itself. As if I just decide to be depressed, and being denied a stable environment (or a home at all) shouldn’t be depressing.
My father also said “well you weren’t HOMELESS homeless”. I get a kick out of that. If they don’t recognize how hurtful it is to have no place to go, with no rhyme or reason for why this is happening, then they don’t deserve a son. Now that Ive become more established, I see they’re trying to smooth things over.
For better or worse, I can’t move on, because this pain won’t leave me. I can put on a good face when I can, but when the pain comes, it still has significance to me.
If this pain doesn’t go away, I WILL hold my parents responsible for what happens to me. I knew something bad was going to happen- I called it. The abuse continued. It wasnt sexual or normally physical, but it’s given me a different outlook. I feel like an oddity, and I’d like to speak more on that on a later post.
Mainly, I don’t feel a depression that is vulnerable or insecure. I feel resentment. I feel like my death would have a reason. And no, I never wanted to be a statistic, but up until this point, I never had a say, and I have been a statistic nontheless.