I have been a drug addict since I was 15. Â Ive had periods of sobriety the longest being four years however I am once again in active addiction. Â I am a failure in every sense of the word and all I want is to die. Â I have tried several times and just like everything else I try to do in my miserable life I failed. Â I am emotionally and spiritually dead already and have been for most of my life. Â Im 30 years old unemployed and live with my parents. Â Three years ago I owned a home with my beautiful fiance. Â I had all the […]
Tag:
Desire
My boyfriend and I have had a relationship for 9 years. It has had it’s wonderful moments.. but it has had many bad ones too. I get so angry with him for his lack of care and concern. I’ve thrown him out recently and now I feel as though my entire world is gone. I have no desire to even want to wake up! EVER AGAIN! All i have ever wanted was his love. I’ve had people tell me he loves me. I’ve heard hims say it. But I have not felt it in such a very long time. […]
Don’t care about hope, will, or any other hopeful feeling. If u have the desire then u will do it. Despite what others think I’m done here. And here is my idea. With wolfs bane or monkshood mixed with belladonna and your favorite tea. How you decide to take it is your choice. Remember if you want it natural then be smart and make sure all evidence is destoryed. Pre make and then throw rest away. No letter but make sure you have the best day of your life. Do not be dramatic. Wash cup well or soak. I suggest put on dishwasher and turn […]
One good reason to live?.. i don’t see one, i just don’t desire life anymore much like anyone who knows the feeling of constant loneliness, it is never ending no matter how hard you try. I’ve been trying to “be happy” for the past few months only because this girl who i could’ve called my best friend was telling me there are reasons to be happy.. Note i am also inlove with her… Or was atleast, i have no idea where that stands but that was the last thing i cared about. Now that its gone? I really couldn’t tell you what i plan do to […]
just turned 19 ive already am off to a bad start lost my only friend and the weird part is I DONT EVEN CARE. i have no current desire to patch our friendship up. I guess its because then ill have one less thing to worry about, to act
happy with, to feel judged around and to avoid certain sensitive topics with like what ive been up to. which has been shit all. No job no school, few interesting feats and gossip. i am house bound ii am pathetic and lazy. i stay up all nite searching for the answers and […]
How do I even begin to explain the way that I am feeling?
It’s a sense of emptiness;
A sense that you would care not to have.
I have no drive or motivation to do anything.
I’m sick of living the life that I have.
Sick of living in this body of mine.
I can’t seem to get out of this rut.
I can only wish that I were someone else.
Wish that I was happy, but doing that gets me nowhere.
I have no destination.
My future is unknown.
I just want to disappear.
I want to eliminate my life, but I’m scared of the unknown.
I just wish I had the desire to live and the […]
Hello. This is my first post here. IÂ don’t really know why I’m writing this. I guess I just want to spill it out. May be it will help me to cope with my feelings.
I feel so angry at myself for complaining about my life. I mean look at the world around us. People are dying from hunger, from war, from diseases, from cancer….and here I am. Safe and sound…well…for now…
I’m almost 18. Feel like 12 years old to be honest. How did I even get that old. So fast.
I dont have anything to hold on to. Relationship with my family is…how can i put it…not the one […]
I come here tonight to freely express my feelings and thoughts without the fear of being judged and with the hope that someone out there may understand. Okay ….let’s be honest, there’s still a shit load of fear, but I say fuck it.
I’m still having quite a rough time. My depression is weighing heavy in my head. Can barely lift it up. My isolation is at an all time high. The majority of my  “friends” are occupied anyway. I don’t feel like I have any true friends. But I’m sure my isolation had a big part in that. I just have no drive. I’m afraid […]
These emotions,,, or lack of them, they are just as bad as physical pain. This boredom is horrible, adderalls doing the opposite of what it should be and i dont know why: i have no desire to do yoga, make cookies. talk to anybody or ill feel agitated and extremely anxious and robotic like(not fun) i am unable to genuinely laugh or smile or even sing without.
I want to feel joy for one, sweet lasting feelings of wellbeing, confidence, desire. 🙁
I was doing better. I didn’t want to die for a couple of days. You know, I had a documentary about depression to start on, I scheduled classes for senior year of college, I spent time with friends that I love. Then I see a stupid Easter status that mentions the dickhead who broke my heart, and I’m snapped back to reality. I’m a nobody. The one person in my life who has ever claimed to truly love me never did. He said it himself that it was all fake. Why was I so stupid? I actually thought for a bit that maybe I was […]
While loneliness is a major issue for me, it appears there are many others whose mindset is similar to mine, a desire to end it. While many of you are younger, and I am not, I seek someone to share one last road trip with. To the Lost Coast and Redwood forests of northern California. Starvation/dehydration will be my method. A few final days of music, nature, and a final enjoyable meal. I am not abusive or aggressive in any way, which is part of my problem, we meek and humble sorts just don’t function well in a dog-eat-dog world. […]
I am tired of studying, I’m tired of working, paying my bills, doing the dishes, crossing the street. I am tired of my morning coffee. I am tired of making small talk while watching your fake face smiling at me. I’m tired of all the mundane little inconveniences of being alive… I am tired of doing the laundry, reading books, brushing my hair, I am tired of caring, smiling, pretending and all the other symptoms of life…. my ears are going deaf listing to your lies and my lies, my eyes are going blind from you betrayals and my betrayals. Stop,,, I want it all […]
Doctors tend to ask if you are suicidal. I’m not. I accepted a while ago that I could not bring myself to do anything that intentionally hurt the people I love. Since I first wrote this sentence down, a close friend of mine took his own life. Before this, I had begun to feel increasingly like my desire not to be here anymore was beginning to outweigh my desire not to break my family’s hearts. Because, much as I don’t see the appeal, I have to admit that it would. I struggled, in the wake of my friend’s suicide, to understand how I felt about […]
Starting to care less about what p eople think of me. I don’t know what to write my thoughts are so jumbled I want to write though. I need to get my thoughts out. so basically I am wasting my life I am too Pathetic to push myself, I have no current interest in looking for a new job, there’s no way I’m going to be able to go back to school in the fall, I don’t like the idea of being the oldest one there, I really dont. So I’m not gonna do it . I really don’t give a shit about not graduating, […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life has to this point. In high school I never had a problem with friends or anything else. I was pretty popular and good at sports. It has done nothing but go down hill since then. I got arrested for a DUI last fall. That was extremely embarrassing and living in a town with 300 people in it only made it worse. I feel like I brought shame to my family. After that I dropped out of school because I kept failing classes. Now I have no money and no […]
Dammit i feel like crap im scared to admit it. Ive just contradicted the past things ive said…i always do. Im really so confused. Fuck the paion is just so harsh it makes me want to give up and just stop trying because its too painfull to do anything. I admit im feeling shitscared about my dr appt today yes its orrational but nonetheless it is there. My thoughts just dominate me togeat lengths.
I honesrly dont even know what im thinking or what i want. its fuckinghard to explain
i havent had anysleep tonite. No desire for it i take […]
I know its there, ive felt it before. I must find it. I didnt know i could feel so good and alive. It comes so naturally to most other people. But for me o have tp get it from alcohol or abuse of my perscription drugs. The feeling of clearance, contentment, knowing what i want. Actually joy, insane cobfidence in myself. I know what ive been missing all my life. Its so frusterating to thonk that ove been deprived of it all my life while others ignorantly take it for granted.
Why cant i have these goos feelings of confidence and joy regularly?
I am desperate […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried so hard for so long that i’ve got nothing left in the tank. What’s left for a person at this point? How do I continue to struggle on? Where can I find inspiration in a world that I detest so wholly? Why do i sit here typing in these questions hoping they’ll be magically answered?
Why is it wrong for a person who has gone their whole life caring about others to finally be selfish for once? Even if that selfish act is suicide.
I’ve no desire left to exist, I […]
The curse
placed long ago upon my head
To bear the weight of the world
On a rope tied round my neck
To always look back at what has happened and live it again today
To have no hope for tomorrow
to feel nothing but sorrow
to hate every aspect of my day.
To see my scars and fight the powers that drive me to make more
To find the bottle and decide not to drink every last drop it stores
To hear the words that others say and push them all away, lest they end up on my arm.
To split my mind and want to live yet long to die
To do so wrong yet […]
I work in a restaurant.
I am constantly surrounded by knives.
God, it’s so damn tempting.
Music is what stops me from cutting…but I can’t really have my headphones in, and I can’t blast death metal in a family restaurant for some reason.
So what am I supposed to do?
It’s so hard not to pick up a steak knife and cut my wrist up.
The only reason I haven’t is thanks to my boss.
My boss is my neighbour, family friend, and my boyfriends father.
I don’t want him to be ashamed of me, because he’s the reason I have my job.
But it’s hard…sometimes I wonder if the urge to cut […]