Time flies. Remember this because it’s the truth. 6 years has gone so fast. 6 years of nothing but pain and Misery. I know that nothing will ever change. I am the very monster I wanted to destroy and now, I can with simple choice: Death
Heh, I can’t even write anymore. One thought seems to take a minute now. My thoughts and actions are as fast as a 100-year-old when I’m only a quarter that age…
Oh well, never understood the point of living, to be honest. All these feelings and sensations are just symbols of vanity to my apathetic mind. Besides, I don’t really give a damn if the next president is a woman or Neo-Hitler. Although, it will be much easier to get rid of this Hitler compared to the first one. Humanity will destroy itself regardless of method. That is their fate. Unless humanity can develop something to turn me intangible and weightless, I don’t care what happens the next 75 years. Cyborg bodies, self-driving cars, faster travel… None of that stuff interests me.
I should be writing a 2,500 word essay right now but I can’t even force myself to type up the notes I wrote earlier… Fuck my mind! If I can become a demon, I want to be something cute like a fox demon or a youthful incubus… Wtf is up with my mind and wanting to have animal ears on my head or a devil tail!? I’m already a guy that looks like he is a 14-16-year-old boy… *blinks* Why is it that I have a feeling I would be popular with females if I didn’t have a dark personality and depression?
I am so tired of my life and myself, my thoughts makes my throat hurt and the pain shivers down to my chest. Its so tempting to just ram a knife up my throat. If I ever get my own apartment I woulnd’t be surprised if I actually did something like that, I want to cut my guts out, bleed out and destroy myself. As many others on this place my urge grows bigger towards my birthday, I don’t know why that is.. but I suppose to me it feels natural to go out on the same date that you came in.. I also had some goals I wanted to complete before my birthday and of course did not manage.. Hard to know how long I should put up with my life, I don’t want to end up like the older people on this website with huge regrets that they didn’t end their lives 10-20 years ago.
I don’t really understand what all this is and what i’m doing here but this is all i have i guess
I’ll start this by saying my life is a quiet mess
I’m a 21 year old trans person (im agender, im not male or female) and I live with my shitty mom
now i’m not saying she’s shitty just because I don’t like her, she really is a cruel person. She’s left me in this weird limbo where i can’t tell what is and isn’t abuse anymore and she’s neglected me, mostly emotionally, that i don’t know what to do. She only knows I can like anyone regardless of gender so her bigotry isn’t as bad as it could be but it still fucks me up how much she refuses to accept that while pretending she still loves me all the same. She’s tried to destroy my moral so much on a regular basis (calling me selfish when i make only myself food even though i have dietary issues, telling me i’m a bad example whenever she can, etc) that i know she doesn’t like me. How can someone knowing trigger their kid knowing they have PTSD? How can someone leave their kids alone with a boy they don’t fully trust and expect the younger ones to protect the other one and then blame them all when the boy rapes someone? how can someone slap their kid around and force them to apologize and blame them for it happening? This is not something a mother should ever do to their kids. She’s been ignorant to her own kids getting abused and beat by other kids that we’re meant to be their new family. She left me alone with a boy I was too young to suspect and though she did suspect him, she left me alone anyway, allowing me to get raped and molested several times. She’s grabbed at us in different ways, sometimes private areas no one should touch without a need to or permission. We’re not exactly people to her, we belong to her. My body is not mine and never will be, it belongs to my mom and the trauma that people have left behind in me. This woman is a person but is also a monster and everyday I wish she would face her crimes. I don’t think the day will come that she ever will but my mind burns for it. My body wishes it could destroy her or destroy me, but I can’t allow that. Facing this woman each day is like opening up the wounds that my mind has made and i want to be done but i can’t. She doesn’t deserve the nice things she has in life after everything she’s done but, of course, I can’t decide or control that. I mostly just want to be done with her.
Right now all I can deal with is trying to handle being around her yet there is more I need to do. Theres so many things that are possiblites as to why my brain works like it does. OCD or OCPD? PTSD or CPTSD? APD? Social anxiety? some many things doctors have said could be possiblities. Yet its not as if all of this is from no where, Mental illness runs deep on my family and my own grandma had to receive electroshock therapy. Being sick isn’t new to use but the names and symptoms sometimes change. Its unavoidable that i need therapy and meds, I can’t leave the house or do anything anymore.
Yet I don’t fully want help.
I mostly want to die.
Theses are things im going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Maybe they can be manageable, maybe my life can be very livable. But why do it? The fight for peace is a long battle and I don’t want to do it. Why can’t I fuck myself up? Why can’t I pick and pick and pick until my skin bleeds? Why can’t I destroy myself when it gives me a short relief? Who gives a fuck about me? I don’t. I’ve already been shown enough that my life and body are worth nothing so why’s the effort worth it? So I can show the world I’m a good little crazy person? So they can deem me passable by their ableist standers? The only people who really can care and understand what’s happening to me are the other people like me. The people who can’t stand to not count, the people who see their traumas come to life with the simplest of actions, the people who can’t help but think they’re so fucking messed up. Other people can try to understand and do to a certain extent but it gets tiring trying to console them when they try to hard and end up hurting themselves. I’m tired of taking care of others but fucking hate myself too much to care for myself.
I’m not supposed to be acting like someone’s mom just because my own is fucked up.
I’m not supposed to be someones crutch to take and take from but never give back.
Parts of me are missing and i’m too tired to get them back.
I want to disappear but it’s not possible.
And if you think im just an angry crybaby then you’re right, but i’m allowed to be such.
I’m not going to die any times soon but the desire is still there at the back of my mind everyday, or the desire to beat the shit out of my mom.
Both are things I want but won’t get.
Sorry bout all this im just tired and angry
I should be feeling something better than this. Just a few weeks away from getting that god forsaken undergraduate degree-in psychology no less. Registered for classes in the fall getting, a Masters in social work, I think. I don’t know what I want though. It is so anti-climactic. I feel pretty numb most the time because I am stuffing those feelings until after finals. My therapist mentioned self-sabotage last week, he kind of took it back this week though. Bought a house. Living alone, trying not to isolate, helps that my sister lives across the street. Honest though, I feel restless. Like I am waiting to do battle, reigning in the troops. Something big is in the forecast, I don’t know what but I know it will destroy the me I am today. Haven’t smoked a friggin cigarette in 5 days… Quitting for a project in my applied behavioral analysis class. For now I will keep sleeping because I have to wait for it. Wait.
So I have another decision to make …..to stay in lake tahoe..or..go back to park city utah… ether way I’m stayinf four months. I hated my life when I was in Utah but I will be away from my in laws for a few months or so and I’l be out lake tahoe were I see my life going no were.
Down sides ccomplete seclusion , crappy food. nothing to do but work and It will be just me and my husband .
Also after this four months my life will be up in the air MY husband dose not want to move back to Chicago ever . that also mean I get a sweet taste of feedom and then what I move back in with my inlaws . I cant do that today my mother in laws said I fucked up so manny times just listen to her and I will be happy . while add I like to suffer and destroy her aons life and make mines harder. ……um what miss your the one regeting your choice to move here .
What should I do ?
The situation on the astral and etheric plane is not good right now. There are still many lower entities that need to be purified. Yes, there is suffering in the universe, and that includes the afterlife. After death your consciousness doesen’t dissapear as if it hadn’t existed. It’s likely that your personality remains and you still get in unbalanced situations or attract lower entities.
So, you don’t ceasse to exist. You cannot destroy energy. You can only kill a body and even that body although disintegrating it still continues to exist and passes into other forms of life.
No matter how absurd it seems, being on the physical plane is a priviledge as the quality of life on the etheric plane is much lower at this moment
We have earth technology here, and many other priviledges like the ability to sleep. What if we cannot “sleep” in the afterlife?(we cannot enter an unconscious state free of pain).
What do you hope to achieve by killing your bodies???
Why are you’s trying to hurt me ?
Make me bleed , make me crazy.
Why make me feel useless ,worthless make me grovel?
Why hold me down and destroy me take my life away , break me ?
Just let me go stop hurting me please I can’t take it anymore .
Anything I had ,you belittled made it crap, shitty, garbage.
I trusted you all stop hurting me.
Why make feel so wothless?
Why do you’s want me this way?
What do you get a crushed hopeless girl?
I was chiped and cracked before. why did you let them shatter and throw away the pieces.
You lied all you’s lied why?
Why are you’s giving me the reasons not to live .
My apathy is starting to overpower me again. The meds don’t seem to be working anymore and counseling only turns the apathy to anger. An endless abyss or a destructive wrath: what is the lesser of two evils? Sure, I want to destroy humanity but I’m not an anarchist. I’m just a realist.
Even if humanity doesn’t wipe itself out with war, environmental destruction and overpopulation, cosmic forces will do it for them. Assuming humanity could transcend age one day and become cyborgs/androids, would there still be depressed people? Wishful thinking, that is.
I’m tired but I can’t die despite my wishes… I’m not meant to be a savior when I couldn’t care less about people. This loneliness is painful but there is no cure for this poison. I want to kill all of you just to see if I will be judged as an angel of mercy or a devil of sin if God exists. That is the extent of my apathy.
In all honesty, I don’t think I’m getting any better. Maybe for a day, or for just a couple of hours I actually feel something other than this depression consuming my soul. I feel content. I notice more things, like the way my boyfriends lips curve into this smirk of a smile, or the way the wind blows at night, and all the living creatures are sleeping, but you can feel the vibrations of the earth. These are the moments when I think that living might not be such a bad thing. But it never lasts. My worst enemy is myself, my own insecurities, my thoughts ravishes my body brutally. My screams are not heard. I am silent in my pain. Tears stain my pillows, I can feel the salt on my lips and I curl in on myself into a tiny tight ball willing myself to pull it together. Its hard. Knowing my could be deadly to ones mental health. I have seen the effect I have on people who try to get close to me. They destroy themselves trying to help, it doesn’t matter about the warnings that I give to these people, they still try with all their effort to help me. To protect me. And it doesn’t make anything better. It makes me feel worse. Who would want to see someone they love destroy themselves trying to help you? Life itself is a beautiful contradicting tragedy. We’re born, not by our own choice but by those before us And then we live based off of how society wants you to live. You obey the worlds, do your work, don’t cheat, thou shalt not steal, murder and all that other good shit. If you break any of these rules you’re looked upon as different. An abnormally. An error in society that needs to not be seen or heard. Expectations are high, self esteem is low and we’re all just walking on a tightrope. Clinging to whatever shitty lives that we born into trying to make the best of it. That in itself is what I like to call a beautifully tragedy.
Upon the edge of insanity,
flashing back to those fragments.
A silent voice screaming,
torn between desires to redo and destroy.
Various persona debating in mental court,
judge hanging by a thread.
Wanting to love yet accepting loneliness,
questions fire out.
“Should I play or sigh?”
To fight against myself or to protect,
that is the question.
Gay or straight,
it doesn’t matter.
Feminine guys or tomboyish girls,
both are fine.
In yaoi terms, fellow ukes or semes,
I’ll play both.
“Anyone daring enough to try?”
If yes, accept the demon or free the angel,
but understand this if the angel is wanted:
Be quick to free, lest the demon kill!
I wounder everyday, for what reason have I been put on this planet, why was I born – what difference am I making to this shitty world? The struggle for everyday survival, the 9-5 deadbeat job and the same constant fucking routine; that we call everyday life.
I can’t move on, there’s nothing to look forward to anymore, nothing to smile, care, love and be happy about; Just pain, misery loneliness. I walk down the street, see happy people all around me, couples holding hand – kissing, children playing etc. The people who helped destroy my relationship, the ones who I once called friends – all fucking happy, but me.
i can’t do this anymore, thought I was on the path to getting better.. I just want to die
Wanna know something I’ve never admitted before now? I’m not scared of the darkness inside me. It’s comfortable, familiar, but I’m terrified of the pure. It’s in there somewhere and I swear it’s so bright It washes over everything else until it’s all I can see, and it it’s in love with everyone. Honestly I just want so bad to embrace it but I think it has the power to destroy the rest of me. It feels like my choices are to watch myself destroy my own life like I always do, or die in a barrage of change, and I’m too much of a coward to chose either one.
I guess I don’t care if you think I’m strange or overemotional. I mean what the hell, isn’t this why I created the account? In the hopes that one day after I’m gone someone would launch into some unjustified investigation and discover the true heart of who I was? Here it is then, I was always crying just out of view over a combination of everything and nothing at all.
Found out a couple days ago that if I commit myself to get help my roommate and mother will convince them I’m faking for attention and to have my released. They they would kick me out so I’m homeless, get rid of my dog, and destroy my computer. How awesome is that? Last night I disolved a large quantity of different drugs in a glass of water to drink. Tonight it’s still in my bathroom. Only reason I didn’t was that a friend of mine was falling apart, and I didn’t want to cause him more issues until he’s better. Now it’s so unbearable that I’m ready to drink it and fall asleep. I want to get help, but if I do those two plan to make it a nightmare. It’s like why should I try anymore. I’m ready. I’m tired. I lost anything to hold on to.
I want to die I can’t take living anymore I’m going to destroy everything and lose the person who was one of my only reasons for living , I’m just a worthless cowardly piece of shit , I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow
Don’t know how to start really. I’m 24 y.o. and i’m dealing with suicide thoughts over a 10 years now. I’m kinda ”controlling” it with drugs and weed, but once i stop using everything i become suicidal and auto destructive. I don’t know how to maintain my good mood when i’m clear, i can’t live like that anymore. I didn’t use anything for 3 days now. I just drink water, i don’t eat or sleep. I work 10 hours a day just to keep my brain occupied.
And it doesn’t matter if i’m alone, with my friend or when i was with my ex there’s enormous wish in my head to destroy myself.
Does anyone understand me?
As I see a brief moment of clarity, it is gone in a sigh. No trip to Vegas is enough to get me to reconsider. This past, present and future, I want to destroy it all. I’ve decided to play a game of chance with my life. It is simple, just drink until it’s all gone. I wonder what my cards will say now. Will my fate be overseen by the Sun, Moon, Magician, World, Tower or perhaps, even Death. So, as I down the poison for this game, I’m listening to “Aoki Tsuki Mochite” by AKIRA, the ending theme for the third season of the Kuroshitsuji anime. The lyrics are dark but the melody is oddly enchanting. EW! Maybe mixing 3 flavors together wasn’t such a great idea…