you. You think I’m fine. You think I’m happy. You see me smiling, But have you ever noticed that it never reaches my eyes? Don’t fucking tell me how much you care about me. You’ll be gone by morning. That’s fine. I don’t expect to be anything more than a quick lay. I don’t expect to mean anything to you. What you don’t see is that I’ve fucking lost it. I’m clinging to reality with all that I have, But my mind is so far gone. You couldn’t possibly imagine the things that I see when I close my eyes. You would run the other direction without thinking twice about it. You’d be terrified. To you, I’m Just a ***** that you haven’t fucked. To you, I’m Just a body that you ha havent touched. But to me, you’re Just another voice that won’t leave my head and another empty space in my bed. No. I don’t make it a habit of sleeping around. But you will be my last so I might as well make it count. Just don’t come crying to me when you mess around and get attached. Shit happens. your feelings aren’t my problem. I’ll be gone soon anyways.
And here are 100 reasons to keep going.
A few might be similar to each other, but nothing’s perfect.
You should live:
1. Because you care about the world.
2. There’s a lot to live for.
3. You have dreams to fulfill.
4. Life eventually gets better.
5. You’re afraid of death.
6. Because you can flip your life around.
7. Because people need you to live.
8. Because someone out there loves you.
9. For religion.
10. To help someone worse off than you.
11. To find the perfect job or career.
12. To fall in love.
13. Because there’s a reason we’re on this planet.
14. You want to experience future music, movies, games, technology, cars, buildings etc…
15. You want to make an impact on the world.
16. Food, pleasure, and comfort.
17. To enjoy beauty and art.
18. To mature.
19. To learn more about people.
20. To earn money and rewards.
21. Vacations… To explore and travel the world.
22. To create something of value.
23. Because our bodies are designed, programmed, and hardwired to live.
24. To experience good and bad.
25. To finish the story.
26. To party and have as much fun you can.
27. Because you are responsible for people (and/or pets).
28. You have goals.
29. You enjoy being happy.
30. Because you love doing something (i.e. playing games, exercising, cooking)
31. To find your niche.
32. For your friends.
33. You don’t want to be a ghost yet.
34. Because opportunities are coming your way.
35. For moments that take your breath away.
36. You want to carry out your destiny. (Whatever it may be.)
37. There is someone you want to meet.
38. Because everyone else is living.
39. To share wisdom with a younger generation.
40. To strengthen and help others reach their potential.
42. To experience change.
43 To become a better individual.
44. To prepare for death.
45. Because you’re obligated to live.
46. To surmount an obstacle.
47. You want to do everything on your bucket list.
48. Because you’re supposed to leave your mark on the world.
49. The pleasure of success.
50. You love yourself.
51. You love your life. Even when things aren’t going well.
52. To see if there’ll be world peace.
53. To see how strong you are and how strong you can become.
54. Because life really is good.
55. It’s your duty as a human to live.
56. For thrill and adventure.
57. Because you’re too young to die.
58. For addictions. (The good kind I hope.)
59. To beat your rivals and those who ever doubted you. Show them who’s boss.
60. To make others laugh.
61. Maybe to get revenge on someone.
62. To finish collecting something.
63. Because there’s so much you haven’t done yet.
64. People are believing and counting on you.
65. That feeling after making someone else’s day.
66. For the little things (driving, getting some air, walks on the beach, grocery shopping, etc…)
67. To recover.
68. Because it’s not time to die yet.
69. You want to set an example.
70. Because no one else can breathe for you.
71. Because life is short.
72. To make more memories.
73. To prove your worth as an individual.
74. Because you want to enjoy and make the most of your life.
75. To serve your country.
76. To give love and hope.
77. Because you can!
78. To be better than you were yesterday.
79. Because there’s no one else like you in the world.
80. Because you belong here.
81. Because the world is your oyster.
82. Because your parents and guardians wanted you live.
83. To leave behind a legacy.
84. Because you want to figure out what life is all about.
85. You like a challenge.
86. Because you are unimaginably amazing.
87. Because you only get one life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.
88. You want to contribute to society.
89. To pursue happiness. And love.
90. Because you’re important.
91. For moments that make you laugh.
92. Because you have boundless potential.
93. You don’t need a reason to live.
94. To give what you owe to the world, a god, or an individual.
95. Why not live?
96. Because you’re someone people would look up to.
97. You’re supposed to live. That’s why you have a life.
98. Because you’re loved even when it seems like you’re not.
99. Because there’s no logical reason to kill yourself.
100. You don’t want to die.
- Because there’s always something or someone worth fighting for.
Feel free to share this, but don’t forget to mention me…
I deserve to die.
I deserve to die.
I deserve to die.
I deserve to die.
I deserve to die.
I deserve to die.
I deserve to die.
This last few days I just be completely depressed. I blame myself for all the bullshit in my life. I get angry and do stupid things. Whats wrong with me. I want to change but I don’t see a future in my life. I’m seventeen and I wanna Die. I don’t know but I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna deal with this. I just wanna dissapear. Everything in my life is so fucked up I think this is just for me. I want to be different but my mind doesn’t help. I just someone to look at my eyes and tell me this is gonna be alright. I just want to stop crying to stop feeling this pain. I’m empty.
I ask a question as old as it is cliche. I no longer fear the ambiguity of death as I once did. It is not the thought of the actual act of dying that scares me, but rather my willingness to let go. There is no reason for me to share my story. It is no sadder than any others. We all live with our own burdens and sins. Some of us choose to fight the good fight, to “keep on trucking” as the saying goes. Others of us get our lives cut short, never given the option. And some of us choose to tap out early, unable to cope with the pressures of life.
As I think about the question that I have asked myself over and over all of these years, I realized I wasn’t asking the wrong question all together.
Are you afraid to die?
I am not.
I am afraid to live.
I’m an upper middle class perfectionist who has it all together on the outside. If anyone knew how much I hated myself I’m sure they’d be surprised. No, I’m not popular or the prettiest girl in school but I’m not an outcast, I’ve got a good friend group, I make straight A’s, I’m on the soccer team and track team, and I drive a nice car. But lots of little things put together have had me on a downward spiral for a while now. I suffer from severe depression. I have wanted to die. I have thought a lot about killing myself. I just want to die. Probably because of my perfectionism. I want things to go perfectly, and when I mess up I beat myself up for it. I let someone down, it’s the end of the world. Well, my world anyways.
I know I need help. It took a lot of strength and time, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and I told my parents. I “knew” that they would get me help, and that they would be devastated that their daughter wanted to commit suicide. But they shrugged it off.
My mom said, “Huh.”
My dad said, “Well. How would you do it?”
I told them how. I was crying (and I rarely ever cry).
They said, “Wow.” And then my dad walked away to watch TV and my mom went back to doing the dishes.
That was three years ago. We have never talked about it again. They never got me help, never checked on how I was doing.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems the worst feeling in the world is wanting to kill yourself and telling the people who are supposed to love you the most, and them not caring. Not even a little bit.
I don’t know how or why I haven’t killed myself since that evening, I feel so worthless. Little tiny strings of life keep me holding on, but I’m always asking myself, “For what?” Is it really worth holding on? I don’t know. But I’m still here. A little part of me wants to be. But a big part of me wants to die.
I want someone to ask me if I’m ok. If I’m really ok. To notice that I don’t like the same things I used to, that I’m not so social anymore. For someone to actually care. To hug me and not let go.
I know it’s weird but I dream a lot of what it would be like to have different parents. Parents who loved me or cared about me. I know I have it good- my parents don’t abuse me and they provide for me. I don’t mean to complain. But it hurts. I feel like their workhorse. They give me the chores of cleaning the house and doing the grocery shopping. They sit on the couch and watch TV, and they lift up their feet so I can sweep underneath them. They complain that I don’t do a good enough job. And every word kills me a little on the inside. To be honest, I really wouldn’t mind doing all the work if they said thank you. If they cared. My dad told me when I was ten years old that if I grew up and got married, he wouldn’t dance with me or walk me down the aisle because he doesn’t want people staring at him. He reminds me of that occasionally, and he isn’t joking.
Other girls dream of boyfriends and husbands, but I dream of a father-figure. I want a guy in my life that’s protective of me, who’d walk me down the aisle and cry when he gave me away. Who’d hug me and hold me when my heart is broken. To tell me stupid “dad jokes” and make me laugh. Who’d punish me to teach me lessons, not for his own convenience. Who’d stay up late and wait for me to get home safely. Who’d come to every soccer game, even if it is pouring down rain.
I want to be daddy’s little girl, not daddy’s little tax deduction.
They say depression gets better, just hold on. That it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. But I’ve held on for years now.
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I am a 14 year old teenager, depressed and suicidal. I know this may sound stupid but does anyone know any pills that will make me pass out if I overdose? I am not exactly trying to kill myself, just a way of revealing my pain to my parent without having to actually talk to them, but let’s just say I wouldn’t care if I died overdosing.
I know I will receive lots of “don’t do this” “you don’t deserve life” and “you’re worth it” but I don’t believe any of that. I hate my life and myself so much, I don’t think anything or anyone can change this. So please, spare me the sweet comments about how everything will get better and I should stay strong because I can’t, I am a weak person who cannot handle anything anymore.
My Life Is Just Wasting Away. I Stopped Going To School, I’m Constantly In My Room Alone And My Parents Don’t Seem To Care. I’ve Tried So Many Times To Die But Only Seem To End Up In The Hospital. I’m Just So Tired Of Feeling Unloved And Unwanted. There’s Not A Single Day That I Wake Up And Cry, Just Wishing That This Pain Inside Me Would Go Away. I’ve Lied So Many Times To Myself That Now I Don’t Even Know Who That Girl Is In The Mirror. I Just Wish That My Parents Cared About Me, Cause I Can’t Tell You How Many Times I’ve Cried And Not A Living Soul Was There To Hold Me And To Comfort Me. I’ve Gone To Therapy For The Past 4 Years To Get Better But It Seems That No Matter How Hard I Try, I’ll Never Get Better. I Just Want To Be Happy But No God Hates Me So Much That Am I Stuck Living In This Cruel World. I Can’t Run Away, I Can’t Die. I Hate The Fact That I’m Still Breathing. If God Won’t Take Me, I Wonder If The Devil Will.
I’m failing college, and therefore wasting both time and money. I’m eighteen and existentially distressed, so how my parents think I know what I want to do in life and how they think that I can put on a happy face and go to college is beyond me. I have no one to consider what I should do with my life with. My parents say “college.” There’s simply no other option.
I don’t know what I want to do in life, to be honest. I’ve had ideas, but they all never worked out. I thought I might want to learn programming, but it’s boring, and boredom is depressing as hell. I’ve also wanted to get into 3D modelling, but that’s stupid. Where I live, there seems to be nowhere to learn about this subject, so I’m stuck wondering where to start.
My life had been a series of accomplishments and satisfaction until later in high school, when I had an epiphany and realised that life was pointless (which I don’t feel like discussing here). I was taking chemistry and physics classes, and was overwhelmed. My teacher didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just told her I was “sick.” I barely passed both classes, but learned about some ways to die and inflict pain on others. I think that she thought that I was retarded or something, because each test I took was almost always below a B. I couldn’t focus at all that year.
Many people that I enjoyed meeting who were seniors were going to be graduating and I would never see them again. I also found out that some of them didn’t like me like I thought they did. My friends and I became distant. They all wanted to talk about mass media and video games. I wanted to talk about whether or not life had any meaning, I wanted to discuss suicide or philosophy, I wanted to learn more about global issues, and so on. Eventually, I just stood around and they never seemed to want to talk to me about anything. Sometimes I would talk to them, and they’d say something like, “Yeah, sure.” Assholes. I hate them so much. The tone that they used was simply awful. They didn’t even try to sound like they cared. It’s like they thought I was stupid.
I’d spend much of the time at break walking around the school, trying not to look like I was lonely, trying to look like I was searching for someone. I suppose I really was. Some days I wanted to cry. I’d often not do my homework because I wanted to fill in that time of loneliness. I suppose things have gotten better since then, and by that, I mean at least some of my feelings are fading away. My friends are gone, no doubt. I don’t know where they’ve moved to, they haven’t contacted me, and they’re probably doing just fine, possibly even happy in their own worlds. I didn’t go to either their or my own graduation, because there really was no point, unless I wanted to burn up in a black robe and toss a cap into the air, expressing how I was finally freed from that emotionally draining societal prison called a school.
I’m supposed to be taking some tests soon to find out whether or not I have any mental problems, which I find depressing. I’ve been prescribed medications, which I feel like only exist to mask the problems. They can make the existential loneliness more bearable for a while, but I know that when I’m off, I’ll go through withdrawal. I might go back to looking up suicide methods. It’s really hard to be optimistic when optimism is what brought me down so low.
I’ve already had mine kissed. I wish everyone who has scars know how it feels to have someone who loves you kiss your scars, and promising you with their lips, that they’ll never let you do it again.
Thinking to die? Ask me and i will give you a simple solution to die .
I came to that conclusion myself and that state of mind is what kept my suicidal thoughts in check for the past 8 years.
But now perhaps I stop believing in what I’ve came up with.
Lately I have to consciously activate my self preservation instinct on my every waking hours, and it’s so exhausting.
It’s considered more tragic when teenager commit suicide because of what they might missed out on and the fact that thing will get better.
So when I see a 63 years old man, who may have 10 or so more years left to live, chose now instead of waiting, it seems like the waiting game might not be worth it especially when I probably have in excess of 40 years to wait.
Maybe I need to talk someone about this, saw there’re some local support group but i dont know if it’ll be good to be around other suicidal people (wouldn’t we all drag each other down and speed up the process?)
Why did I have to end up right here in this place? I am a very cold person now, I mean in order for me to show any type of care and love I have to really really love a person. Generally I’m cold and uncaring and distant and I get annoyed by people a lot. I actually like being alone for the most part, I kind of drag when I have to go out with people. Times like right now I just look at my life and wonder what happened, what did I do so wrong that I’ve reached this point? That i’m this cold person, lonely person who’s dark inside, I feel like a fucked up person. I don’t want anyone to love me or care about me because I would hate to hurt them. But where I am right now thats exactly what would happen, all I know is that life is depressing school is depressing all of it means nothing. I want to love life again I want to have hopes and dreams I want happiness. But I lost all of that the moment my eyes were opened and I saw the cruel reality that is life. It truly doesn’t matter how good of a person you try to be because people will still use and abuse you life will still screw you over. Ughhhhhh I don’t know just a bunch of random depressing thoughts…
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I hear voices in my head
I believe fairies dwell in flower beds
The night is a mystery and not my friend
For I see things at every corner and end
I cry for four days a week
Because of blame and sorrow my heart can’t keep
My dreams, like everyone else, have gone
Because they too are tired to go on
I don’t believe I belong
Life has been singing that to me like a song
I am a poet, but to everyone my poems appear
To be of sadness, yearn, insecurity, and fear
There’s a new voice in my head
That says I’d rather be better off as dead
But since I’m still present
And death may seem quite pleasant
You being able to breathe and believe
That things will get better
Is worth more than laying stone cold forever
And letting people grieve.
Lol. Can’t wait until the day I die…. Maybe I won’t go to a world full of pink ponies but at least I will no longer be on this evil planet. Every time I think I have hope, it goes crashing down into oblivion. I have no future. Die young. I’m sitting here smoking cigarettes, and waiting until I can dip gummy bears in a glass of whiskey. I hate being alone. I can’t stand going to clubs, every time I am in a disco i just want to rip my heart out. It’s a place full of zombies and retarded music. I can’t hold down a job either because I’m too depressed and insane. I need to set something on fire and watch the flames slowly devouring the piece of matter. Fire makes me whole
Behind the smile.. there’s danger and a promise to be told.. you’ll never grow old.
Try not to flinch,
Try not to cry,
Try not to fall,
Try not to Die
I have been living this fucked up life for almost 3 years now. i am a huge failure. in academics. in sports. in love. in almost everything. My parents think that i should never have been born . I put their head down un front of public. They want to make me an Engineer , but i don’t even know what i want to do . i just want to die. its not just about them . i am too fucked up . i am geniunely a big paranoid that everyone hates me for no reason. i am constantly hoping things will get better but also wondering what if they never will ? and the worst part ? when i try to be happy , depression pulls me in. i am eroded . i just hate myself so much . had blade cuts in my wrists. but did not succeed. i beg every time i go to the temple in front of God to end this life. I literally beg to end this life . And with my death i don’t think it will even count to all. i am done trying i am done fighting. i am done. JUST DONE.
I used to have such a passion for life. It breaks my heart every time I realize the extent and speed in which it’s dwindling away. What a waste. Agony grips my form when my thoughts turn to the past and I see what I once was.
All I want to do is go back, because I don’t believe in my future and I don’t believe in myself.
I like this song, listen away.
My mother has always suffered from severe, chronic (mono-polar) depression, and constant suicidal ideation. My brother and I inherited/learned this, but I am the only one in our family who has become “actively” suicidal. So far I’ve been committed more than a dozen times to various laughing academies for the spiritually bewildered, not to mention 3 comas, and other extended stays in hospital ICU’s due to my addiction to self abbreviation. I was even dead for more than two glorious, velvet black minutes, before they revived me (“You didn’t save my life! You ruined my death!!!”).
I was abused in every possible fashion by my alcoholic father before I reached the age of four when he mercifully abandoned our family. But, we moved into my grandparents garage where I was physically and mentally abused for four more years by a hateful grandmother while my unknowing mother worked two shifts a day as a waitress, and spent most of her off-time visiting my severely ill brother and sister who were always in the hospital. My first two sexual experiences were brutally violent rapes. My first love died from undiagnosed meningitis on my 30th birthday, and my second less than ten years later from liver cancer.
Having a method to kill myself is the only way I can sleep at night, the only way I can face the terror of another day.
Just because I was forced into this life, why do I therefore have to live it? I’m an absurdist and existential nihilist, I do not believe life has any meaning, purpose, or value. Do I win some sort of prize for waiting for a “natural death”? Am I to live simply because I am alive? Because society says I should? Because an accidental, unwanted meeting of sperm and egg forced this burden upon me? I have no excuses, explanations, or apologies to make for my wanting to end my life.
I do not fear death. I fear the horrible pain and unbearable suffering it takes to get there. But, I soothe myself with the thought that the odds are in my favor, that it’s only a matter of time.
Just a cut.
Just a scratch.
“What’s that mark?”
“It was just the cat.”
Just an excuse.
Just another lie.
“What’s with all the bracelets?”
“Just fashion, why?”
Just a tear.
Just a scream.
“Why were you crying?”
“Just a bad dream.”
But it’s not just a cut…
Or a tear or a lie…
It’s always “just one more”
Until you Die