i am ruined. i am disgusting. i am used. i am repulsive. i am unclean. i am filthy. i am tainted.
I am 16 and in a week I’ll be 17.
Today my dad spoke with my teachers and talked about how I’m doing in school (grade 11).
The usual stuff they say:
• I’m quiet
• I sit alone (in some classes)
• I don’t participate in classes
those kind of things.
My teachers also said how bad I’m doing. And my parents didn’t react that well.
My dad is pissed at me.
And my mum hates me. She always says that “I’m useless” and that “no one will hire me for a job” and that “I’ll be picking up garbage and living on the streets.” And she’s always adds that “I’ll be dead and I won’t have to see you suffer.”
It hits me hard and usually I wait til she cools down and make her talk about something else when we’re having a conversation.
But lately, she has been ranting about me and how I’m a failure.
And she is right.
That’s why I hate myself. I’m too scared to commit suicide but I always think about killing myself. I almost cut myself once, but that would be bad if people ever found out. So I just cry at night and when I’m mad I clench my fists and take deep breaths until it goes away.
I know my mum secretly hates me. She dislikes me at the very least. But I know she wishes I was more than what I am. I think she wishes I was more like my cousin. My cousin is a good example of what she wants me to be. She is only a few months older than me and we are fairly close. My cousin is doing well in school, has a job, volunteers at Salvos, she is pretty, goes to a youth group, is confident, etc.
But I am completely opposite. I am failing school. I never had a job, and I would get one, but I’m ugly and fat, thus my mother saying, “no one will hire you” and that I’m “fat”. I don’t go out often and I’m shy. I have lost a little weight, but not fat. I was fasting the other week and barely ate anything, but I stopped because I heard I could gain more weight from fasting. I’m shy and quiet but I try to talk to other students but they seem to not pay any attention to me. I have friends but most of them drifted away or barely talk to me. I’m the person who walks behind everyone and gets left behind and doesn’t get invited to hang out.
I know people who have it worse, and I was tempted to go to the school counsellors once, but I never did. No one ever notices me, but when they do, they see nothing or look at me with disgust.
I have to push those suicidal feelings away, but one day, I know I won’t be able to handle it anymore.
I dream of a world where people can just try to understand each other, rather than judge them for their problems. A world where no one is criticized for who they are and what they love. Unfortunately, a world of peace doesn’t exist.
I dream that I am on my own planet, where there is no misery, violence, hatred or discrimination, with only my closest friends, family members, animals and people who get me. Like I said… I dream. If only dreams could come true for those of us who are forgotten… After all, the forgotten ones are the ones who truly deserve happiness in life, rather than the urge to kill themselves every day. I am a forgotten one.
It never ends. This world I’m stuck to live in is repulsive. No one cares about anything but love, sex, money and themselves. If the people in this world could see themselves and the environment around them in a different point of view, my point of view, maybe we wouldn’t be so miserable and at the risk of poisoning the Earth. My point of view on the environment: plants are a living thing, I treat them that way. They deserve to be tended to just as much as the human race. Humans are nothing but animals. Stop acting like we are otherwise. We all have the ability to stop all of the world’s problems if we’d just stop for a minute and think about our actions.
No one sees the world in my point of view. Maybe that’s why this world sucks. I dream of a life of happiness and peace… But that dream will never come true as long as I’m alive. Maybe when I’m dead, the world I dream of will be waiting for me. Maybe… Just maybe.
Relapse is such a *****. Things were going so well for me. Why did I visit my old box? What did i expect to feel when i picked up my old blades? Repulsion? Disgust? Or maybe i knew i would get the release i had been looking for. Maybe i knew that the urge i had been fighting all this time would finally be satisfied. I know i started feeling a bit lost when i realized my scars were fading. Why that is? I honesty dont know. Im ashamed by the lack of will power i had this time around. Seven months of no self harm gone down the drain in such a short moment. I dont even feel like i cut deep enough. I want more, i always do. I guess its time to find something to distract my mind. Im not sure how to end this post. All i can say is, to anyone who is in the same situation i am, stay strong and keep hope. Its all we can do for ourselves at this point.
I’m so sick of just waking up to what the world has become now. I’m just a ball of hatred building up it’s sickening that society is so absolutely fucking pathetic. I could die right now and no one would even care. I look at the positive, but their are not many things pleasant to look at. I don’t have friends and am not close to anyone, people are all the same. People honestly disgust me on how they act there is no one decent on this fucking world its just self preservation.
To the kid I know who tallies and flaunts his half-hearted suicide attempts as if they are trophies,
You disgust me. A suicide attempt is only called that because it is an attempt to commit suicide, not something to write about on popular social media sites in an attempt to gain respect or something. You haven’t even been to the hospital. Two cuts across your arm is not a suicide attempt. Eating salt and calling it “iodine” is not a suicide attempt. Jumping off your bunk bed will get you nowhere. Stop taking suicide so lightly. It makes those who are serious about it look like fools.
I dont even know why Im writing this. Im pretty sure it wont help but I have to try something… I am suicidal but you know the worst part.. I dont even have the balls to commit suicide.. I guess I should explain myself but i really dont know how to structure this.. So im just going to ramble.
I’m 23 years old and I’m from India. Right from my childhood I’ve had a sense of fear in me that never leaves me. Guess its all cause of my father. He used to beat my mother and sister and I used to cower in fear, just hating him and hoping for vengeance one day. That day did come and I almost killed him, hoping to end my life right after. But in the end I just gave him a few stiches and fractures and now atleast he doesnt resort to violence cause hes afraid of me. The problem with Indian culture is even after all this somehow everyone stills lives under the same roof, afraid of what society would think. Especially for women if they get divorced, she is shunned and looked at with disgust. Anyways I thought atleast after making sure there would be no more domestic violence I would feel better and free but I dont.There are still moments of mental turmoil in our house but they dont bother me the way they used to.
I had questioned the meaning of life right from when i was 12 years old. I never found meaning in life then nor do I now. I dont believe in God, nor afterlife or anything. I thought of so many times to just jump from a building or hang myself, but I could never bring myself to do it. I wish it was as easy to get a gun in India as it is in US, that would have been so much easier, but then again im so cowardly im sure i couldnt even get myself to do that. As years rolled by I feel more and more worthless and weak. I find no meaning in anything, no point of anything. I cant get myself out of bed.. I just feel so tired and jaded. I feel like im 80 years old. I just want to never wake up from my dreams. I tried to do things to make me feel better like football, novels etc etc. And while for sometime they do work I always end up in this hollow, empty shell and curse myself for being so worthless. I wish I was never born, I wish I was someone else. Life is not too short its too long.. I keep looking at news on 20 ppl killed, died etc etc and I keep wishing I was one of them. Why is it that people who dont want to live, dont die in these accidents? Whenever I travel on a plane or any transport I hope for a freak accident that will get me killed.. I feel horrible that I wish that for all the people on the plane and curse myself even more for being so worthless that I cant even kill myself.
I did go to a psychotherapist but it did not help. The medication did not help nor did the counseling. I just dont want to hurt anymore. There are so many things that I can still write but I dont want to piss u off. It doesnt matter. I know im not getting any reply. I thought writing this owuld help but it doesnt.
I just hope someone can put me out of my misery and kill me.
Today,31 May 2013,I just came back from school feeling absolutely sleep deprived and unmotivated. I had it tough these few weeks. School,projects,assignments and continuous disgust i get from the people who resents me,has made life pretty much unbearable these few days. I have been crying these few days and just trying to hold on to what I know best.
I notice that no matter how much effort i put into school,things never go the way i want it to be. It makes me breakdown inside. I feel so hopeless and I feel so useless. I feel that I was never meant for college life. Honestly,right now I just wanna give up and quit school. I don’t know what to do anymore.
What hurts the most is the fact that i feel like each day I am disappointing my parents. They have fork out alot of money for my college despite the financial difficulty my family is facing right now. I feel like I’m wasting both their time,effort and money. I’m not performing as well as I thought i could and I honestly feel so guilty whenever I look into my parents eyes. I feel so useless..so useless that I’m beginning to think..am I really gonna fail in my life and future?Can I even grow up to help my parents and pull them out of this financial difficulty we are facing?
I just don’t have any confidence that I can even make it anymore..i’m so badly motivated that it’s to an extend I wanna give up and let go. But if I do,I know I will only disappoint my parents more.
I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t. I had a presentation today. I had to cover 8 factors in under 2mins. For some reason, my grp leader did not divide the slides equally so i had more to present. After the presentation, my teacher went up to me and said I was talking so fast that she couldn’t catch what I was trying to say. At that point,all I thought was..”That’s it I’m gonna get bad grades yet again”..I don’t know what to do. What’s the point of me going to school when I can’t even do well?When I can’t even make my parents proud. I feel so useless. So stupid. It’s like I failed miserably in life and I don’t even know whether I can have a good future.
I just wanna give up so so badly right now. Let go and leave things. Leave school. I don’t know..I just really don’t know anymore..
I dont understand, but recently, I hate everyone an everythhing bar a few very personal items. I have facebook and everything on it. I hate all my friends, and I hate my family. I am not sure what started it, but this hatred/disgust, annoyance/pity just fills me when I get around them. Its not one of those hatred that makes me want them to die, but that one where if i had the option to leave I would and never look back. Im just done. Eerything seems like crap nowadays, and I cant bring myself to care about anything bar my parents, my dog and cat, and 2 friends. Everyone else kinda bums me out inÂ a way where I just dont seem to care anymore.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m an 18 (almostÂ 19) year old college drop out, and I just feel so lost. I have been suicidal ever since I was 12, and I never imagined that I would make it this far in life. I had only gone to college so I could get away from my parents, but due to my social anxiety I was forced to come back. I feel stuck; forced to live with my father who raped and hit me as a child, and my mother who has never tried to protect me from him (andÂ furtherÂ claims that the rape was just my imagination). I am forced to be civil and respectful to him, to pretend that he is the perfect father. My therapist has tried to help with my anxiety, but it’s no use; how can anyone try to heal while still living with their abuser? My “friends” don’t keep in contact, but that doesn’t bother me much; they are moving forwards with their lives, not to mention all of my friendships are superficial.
I have a job as a paraprofessional educator, but I don’t make nearly enough to be able to support myself. What little I make goes to helping with the bills, so I will never be able to save up enough to leave. I feel so hopeless. Even if I were to magically obtain the funds to support myself, I have no idea what to do with my life. I have no career goals, because I don’t have the foggiest idea what myÂ interestsÂ are.
I’m just so overwhelmed by my emotions: fear and hatred towards my father, disgust and anger towards my mother, self -loathing towardsÂ myselfÂ as well as a plethora of other emotions that make it crippling to leave the slight comfort my bed provides. I’m terrified and wish there was someone that could help me, yet I’m equally terrified of trusting someone enough to give them the power to hurt me (contradictory, I know). I have been trying for so long to keep persevering, but what’s the point? I’m so tired or torturing myself like this, yet here I am…it’s so frustrating.
I’ve been suicidal most of my life, delayed because many people gave me false hope (e.g. “Things will get better,” “It’s a temporary problem,” “Life has intrinsic value,” etc.). When do we stop and look, only to find flipping burgers is unfulfilling – when does a man breakdown from the socially approved unfeeling zombified state into tears and try to escape the mediocrity? The answer is when all hope is lost. Death > Life. I once feared the great abyss that awaits us all, but it now gives me solace and peace – not having to grind through each day, day after day, seemingly to the end of time. Life is but a walking shadow… Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
My “temporary” problem has persisted
the vast majority of my entire life. I am here to say that it’s right to feel this disgust, to suffer – only a monster would not. I’ve seen the worst that society has to offer, yet strangely also highly respected and compensated individuals (a scientist spoke to my peers and I about casualty calculations for WMDs with a big grin on his face, made me throw up after class). We have a newly recruited soldier in our class, who is eager to get into a firefight – an older veteran tries to tell him the horror of it, but he doesn’t listen. Engineers get recruited into defense and intelligence industries, and do not heed the sane ethical restraints of a true human being. [Leaving out the details of my childhood, which dwarfs those men in comparison] I am disgusted by the world we live in, and the insurmountable challenge of making things better – it is a wasted effort.
The date I’ve chosen for the deed is several months away, while I make preparations and backups. My family is at peace with my decision (the toll my agony has taken on me is almost as bad for them). On my eleventh year of trying to get my bachelors degree with the crippling problems that have plagued me for life. It’s just not worth it, and never has been.
Hi, I dont know who to talk to or who to open up to because my pain is my pain. And no one can ease that pain. I sit here and I think that the people that said they love me or care for me but where are they now. It’s true, I’m going to be alone and no one to cry to or tell me we are going to get through this together. W hy have these men come into my life and took that one thing I CHERISHED. Therevare times whereby I just want to find that one blade that will end my life because then it will end the suffering but I look at my family and I know that I have to live for them. I hate my face and hate me for what I have become weak when I look into the mirror.No relationship,no brain,no happiness and these points summarise that I DON’T NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE ANYMORE. I remeber all the bad things done to me and said and I know that I deserve it every bad thing in my life since I was a little girl. I have been taken advantage from men and still now but with my own consent. Most people must think I’m mad but I’m lost and empty with no one ot weep my tears away from me. I feel like I need to be pt to rest and go to bed and into a deep sleep because I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE and mine time is up to go and I WANT TO GO BECAUSE I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE,JUST HURT AND TO BE LOVED. this life isn’t for me and the sooner I realise the better. Words have wounded me and physical abuse has wounded me but I put on my mask and try and get on with another day. My days are over and I thank you for letting me see such a evil world. Look after the people that love me and care for me and look after my family and friends. I need to disappear with no one knowing and im sorry and I dont want no one to wear black at my funeral,life has shown me every man for themselves and im going to think of myself and end my life. Men have been the problem in my life,I seek comfort,affection and love whereby it turns into disgust,pain,humiltation and bringing me down feeling worthless and out of my control to do something.
Â Im broken
I realize that this is a repeat of last evening. I apologize for bothering everyone all over again. I’m so sorry to bother you all again. Please forgive me… I want to die, but I don’t want anyone to care. I want them to rejoice with me, and celebrate my life, not mourn my death. I want them to love me for who I was, not who I have become. I am a nasty, bitter, selfish little *****. I hate myself. And so do you, deep down. You don’t know me, but somewhere in you too bleeding hearts, you harbor a nasty disgust for me. Well, you aren’t alone.
When I was in my younger teens… I wasÂ inappropriatelyÂ touched. Lately, I’ve started to feel I guess, sexual urges. Every time I ever think about it I yell at myself, I feel so much pain in my chest, it feels horrible. I get angry sometimes and feel disgusting for even thinking of “it”. I’m unsure if it is normal. To feel so much hurt,disgust,anger, and pain. Just over something like thinking about.
Do you ever feel like you have done it all? Â You wake up to face the day, feed the dog, dress yourself, brush your teeth, eat some food and go to work. Â At work your totally disrespected by your peers and Friday you pick up your check. Â At the end of the day you come home and let the dog out to use the bathroom. Â Jump in the shower and make yourself believe you are washing away the hate, lies,Â disgustÂ of the day gone by. Â You get into bed, mentally numb in many ways and fall asleep after an hour of thinking about how much you hate everything,Â everyoneÂ and evenÂ yourself. Â You wake up to look in the mirror and the start of your day beginsÂ withÂ the hateful critique on yourself. Â Get dressed, feed the dog, brush your teeth, grab a bite to eat and head to work…
“My life is worthless… Â My dreams are none… My mind is here… But I wish it gone…”
Hey says my friend kelsie as she slides into the booth with the rest of us. hey we reply. ok says amber time to start! (in case your wondering this is my group my friends my club. every saturday we get together at this ice cream place and talk about whatever. it normally ends up with us gossiping about people, and yesterday the topic changed to to something quite interesting…) okay so guess what i learned about maredith welsh said cassy (the leader,somehow dont ask me how probably a miracle, i am friends with what society calls “the populars” they know EVERYTHING about everything at school)what? we all say at the same time. well, i foubd out that ever since 6th grade meredith has been cutting her wrists. she said with such a look of disgust, they all had the same look. all but me who was suddenly very happy that i had worn my jacket. ewww thats soo gross how can someone do that if they want to die why dont they god obviously doesnt want them on earth! stated reilee (reilee is like a total christian i have nothing against them its just reilee…well shes kinda a hypocrate she says shes a christian but shes so mean she could be the devils daughter)I know! said cassy. then they looked at me. me the too thin girl who always wears something on her left arm be it a bunch of braclets or maybe a long glove with the fingers cut off im always wearing something to hide the scars. and now they’re looking at me expecting me to say something. so i ask them a question. what would you guys do if one of your bffs or maybe one of us cut or had thoughts of suicide? they stared at me completely silent i held my breath. cassy started laughing, soon they all were then they realized i was serious. well. reilee started to say. we would probably be really supportive i mean it would be one of our friends. she said innocently. i had to will myself to not laugh or even roll my eyes. this coming from the girl who said that people who cut should just die. this made me get a little angry. why do you ask? asked cassy. umm… what was i to say? i looked down at my sleeves i could just see all the scars underneath. they followed my stare. no. said cassy. you guys dont think that maybe… she trailed off…i looked at them. then i looked at reilee, I was pissed at her. Of course not! i said. I mean, if i were to cut or wanted to die or maybe if the reason im so skinny is anorexia well why are’nt i dead? I mean like reilee said God just walts people like that dead. i said. they just stared. i decided that maybe i should go. i was going to stand up when they all started laughing. hah! good one! we thought you were serious for a moment whew glad you were’nt hah hah! said amber. cassy just stared at me and said without taking her eyes off me, guys, i think shes serious…cassy looked at me. im so sorry we didnt know, were here for you, and we love you your like our sister, dont kill yourself, and if you ever feel like trying just come to one of us and we’ll help you…were sorry. i left. and then today kelsie, amber, and reilee decided to tell me that they thought i was crazy. then gave me a noose and said that if i really wanted to die, i should.
and man, what they don’t know….
The thoughts are becoming fiercer, more vigorous, more overpowering.
It’s been four months since I started my therapy, yet I feel no change. Each month since I was diagnosed, I told myself that I had finally hit rockbottom. Each month I told myself that now there was no way other than up. Each month. March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.
I was wrong each time. It was never rockbottom. Every time I promised myself to try and get better and to make a true effort, something happened. Whether it was my mom driving me up against the wall with her hand around my neck, whether it was my dad telling me I am not good enough for college, whether it was the love of my life leaving me there on the ground: broken, shattered, alone; it was never rockbottom.
You know, a few days I broke down in my room crying. Just like every other day, I had my music turned up to full volume. I had my headphones on, desperately trying to separate myself from the outside world. Just like every other day, I lay crying on the floor. But, this time something was different. I got up, grabbed a few sheets of paper, the nearest pen and scribbled down words. It was scary, almost insane. I continued writing until I fell asleep at my desk. In the morning, I woke up and examined my work from the previous night. Every sheet of paper had a different quote scribbled on it. I recognized the quotes. I knew I had heard them before. All 51 quotes were comments I had gotten from all kinds of people over the years. Here, take a look at some of them:
“I wonder how you don’t get a harpoon up your ass every time you swim, because they mistake you for a whale.” – Daniel
“You disgust me.” – Adrian
“My eyes start burning just by looking at you.” – Nigel
“You fail at everything you do.” – Mom
“3 Euros…more than you will ever be worth.” – Max
I wish I could do it. I wish I could finally gather the strength and get it over with. I wish I could just disappear. I wish all these people around me could look past the mask I put on every day. I wish that I could look at my reflection in the mirror, without wishing to be anyone else apart from myself. I wish I weren’t such a pathetic excuse for a human. I wish my mom hadn’t taken away the knife, I would use every night to cut myself with. I wish people wouldn’t treat me, as if I were a fatal disease. I wish I could finally end it. I wish…I wish I were never born.
My mind has a never ending cry for help. I suffer in silence and when I speak people think its just a phase. I hope they’re right, I hope I’m wrong. I always say there’s always a limit for everything, it’s come to the point where the most important people in my life have turned their back on me. It feels nasty, I have disgust in my heart and tears want to flow through my eyes, I want to scream through the walls, yet I keep myself from doing this, I don’t want people seeing my pain, my suffering. So I keep that anger, that frustration, the sadness in between my lungs and throat. When people ask me why I’m sad, I respond with a simple stress, only if they knew the black hole in my mind which is taking too much space, which is taking the happiness and love away. It’s killing this mind, meanwhile my heart suffers rejection and hate. If people understood me, if I could have someone to speak to maybe I would see a light at the end of the tunnel. But I must keep this silence. I fear resentfulness, I fear being avoided because of this great unstoppable pain I have in me, but most of all I fear being told the truth, because its hard for me to get down from that dream-able cloud. I’m a dreamer and my only happiness comes from dreams, I day dream more in my day than breathing oxygen. You could kill my life, lock me away, but day dreaming is what keeps this mind and heart alive. The simple truth is that I don’t want to suffocate people with my pain. I realized that this pain I have in my life bites those who come near me, only to leave them with bitterness running through their veins. Alone is how I feel right now. Im falling in this deep black hole and I have no one to be there when I hit the floor. I’m alone and my life feels like a ghost town.
Dying has never been easy for any human being, at least for any of the human being I’ve met throughout my life. The idea of leaving the world for visiting some unknown existence is just scaring. But, for me, the worst thing about dying is never have theÂ guarantee of seeing your loved ones again.
I said before that one of my friends, one of the important people in my life, was trying to hate me but he wasn’t able to. Well, now I know he hates me. I know, this is my fault. A friend, who I really trust, told me that he hates me. When he told me that I just… wanted to cry. I was about to cry this afternoon and is the second time I cry because of him. I think that he doesn’t understand his importance in my life, in my head, in my sickness. He’s just… he’s too important and IÂ swear to God that if something happen to him I would consider suicide.Â Â Can you believe me? I’m so pathetic. I hate myself. I understand that, if I hate myself, I can’t expect that other people, especially someone so similar to me as he is, don’t hate me. I deserve all the hate. I did thing that disgust myself and I’m sorry. I wish that he knew how much he means to me. I hate myself. This is all my fault, I wish I’d never been born. I should have died when I was born. There is other two people, two friendsÂ includingÂ the one who told me that the other one hates me, that means a lot to me. Two of those three guys already hate me. Hate me, I deserve this shit.
I was supposed to stop smoking today, but I didn’t. I need to stop, just for a few weeks. But with all this I just can’t, I feel too guilty.
I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, indeed, don’t do it. I deserve that you hate me, I deserve my own hate. I deserve to die. This is my fault and I’m theÂ stupidestÂ person. I’m sorry for being hurt, for being empty, for being me. I’m sorry for not doing the mostÂ worthyÂ thing that IÂ shouldÂ do right now: killing myself. Try to understand that I’m too weak, too stupid and tooÂ worthlessÂ for doing this. Sorry for being a slut and having no self respect. Sorry for beingÂ self destructive. Sorry for saying “sorry” all the time. You mean a lot for me, even if I don’t mean anything for you or if I’m just a miserable fuck. Sorry for bothering you, I swear I will never bother you again. Please do notÂ misunderstandÂ my words. Please shoot me.
Love, the weird girl you met at school.
I wrote my suicide letter today. So sure that I’m ready to do it. I let out my loudest cry. I voiced it. Yet it went unheard. No one taking me seriously. Thinking it’s only for attention. I was embarrassed when I told them. Humiliating. Yet she stood there and said it’s my fault, and she thought it was only for attention. Left me in disgust. I like being unseen but when I ask for your help so that I can live happily I expect you to give a damn so I’m not suffering in freaking silence, going through each day asking myself what did I do to ever deserve this, having blissful thoughts of dying, and cutting my pale skin. Yes, I expect you to HELP me. Not give me your attention just to HELP me, is that too much to ask for? Well sorry if it is, I can cut this attention shit short and be on my way out of this world and we can both be happy.
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