I’m suicidal for three years straight. I’m a victim off bullying, I cut, I have no friends, I love the wrong person and I have no perspectives in life. I tried to kill myself by overdosing and cutting veins but it didn’t work.
I want to combine jumping, drowning and poison in my last seconds of life. I want to do all of this at night. Here the European Yew grows wild in the parks. My aim is to collect several hundreds of seeds and about 200 grams of fresh leaves, mash it and ingest it. It will make me die of cardiac arrest. It’s not 100 % surefire way to die, so I have rocks that I will stuff my pockets and underwear with and some really heavy book I will put in my clothes, duct tape to tape my arms and elasticbands to seal my legs together. Having ducttaped myself, swallowed all the poison and stuffed my clothes with rocks I will jump off the bridge. I don’t want to jump into concrete because I’m scared, but I’ve no fear of jumping off the bridge into water. The bridge is high and located in a rural area where there should be no people at night, thus no one to help me if I changed my mind. The only thing I am worried about is that water might be shallow. But anyway, even if it is shallow, I will sever my spine and break ribs jumping into shallow water so it’s no issue, and if its deep and I don’t fracture anything I’ll drown anyway. However I consider jumping in winter because cold water will make me pass out and I will drown unconsciously. I heard that, excluding the damage from jumping off a bridge, drowning is a peaceful death. You struggle for a while, but when you breath in water you’re out cold.
I have some things to get done with, and than I have nothing to do here. Nothing keeps me here…
I have a full ******** tank, and a bag, and some duct tape. I am so tired. The meds, the alcohol, and the therapy….no help. I’m 38 and my mother died 3 days ago 13 years ago. I have a 4 1/2 year old son, who I’ll miss the most, but in the end, I’m only going to screw up his life too. I’ve never been able to keep a job for more than 2-3 years. You know, everyone is human and everyone should have compassion for others. I am different, I get that. But, I am intelligent, have a lot to offer, and no one really cares. Goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving here today.
Came into the world bright and perfect
Never expected something so terrifying
Something so hectic
Full of death and crying
I wasn’t scared or sad
I thought I was saved and they weren’t lying
I was sitting in my perfect world, too blind to see the bad
Then here comes the giant, my hands he was tying
I was going out of my mind, I thought I was going mad
Then here comes the death, here comes the crying
My head was pounding as I thought, “Where is my dad?”
The giant laughed, whispering “His love for you is dying”
My hands were bonded by duct tape, losing the strength I had
My feet were stuck together, I was done trying
I let go, I let my mind slip and my soul go just a tad
I was closed up in a room to collect dust, and after I while I started complying
With the giant’s orders, I listened and followed through and like an apple in the sun, I went bad
I turned from everything I ever knew, and my heart quit trying
I was sitting in my rotten world, broken and gone
I had tried everything, and I was tired and dead
I wanted to fade to black, but my heart beat on
So much torment my mind went through, so much blood my arms had bled
I didn’t see any future, I thought the giant had won
But then something caught my ear, and the most perfect voice said
“I love you, and I will never leave you. From you I haven’t withdrawn”
I felt all at once, I could hear, smell, see, and feel things like never before, so much it hurt my head
There was no more pain, all of it seemed to be dreams from times foregone
I was alive, I was beautiful, it was all simple, and I wasn’t dead
I stood up, and searched every where for the voice, crying for it like I would for a mate if I was a swan
I found it, I found Him, and my wings began to spread
(The inspiration for this poem came from a little doll I had gotten in a Happy Meal from McDonald’s more than 3 years ago. I had taken thin strips of duct tape and bound the doll’s hands and feet together, even wrapping the tape around her mouth. I related to the position the doll was in at that time. She was trapped, as I was. Tonight I finally took the duct tape off her small, plastic body. I cleaned her up, taking the sticky adhesive leftovers off. She has long purple hair that was matted from the stickiness, so I brushed it and braided it. This may seem childish, but now I can relate to her once more. She is free of her bondage, and she is beautiful.)
All thanks to Jesus Christ, I am alive.
Am I the only one that really believes I’m a walking accident?
I mean…. I’ve lost/annoyed everyone I know and I’m to much of a freak to meet new people. Most of the time everyone annoys me, and I dont mean a small aggitation, I’m on wanting to duct tape poeople up and leave them tape to the wall…. And yeah, that’s not normal.
I’m currently fighting with my ‘best friend’. We used to be so close and now I do t even know what book she’s reading! We became friends because the group of people we hung around will all turned avainst us and we literally had no one. So we went to eachother, even though we orriginally hated eachothers guts. But now we are.. Shall I call it friends? With some of the girls we orginally fell out with and with the fact she seems more occupied with her mums ex-boyfriend we hardly ever speak.
She was the only person I really trusted ad the past few months have been living hell! I don’t know how I manage to make everyone wasn’t to leave me in a ditch with a pack it wild dogs, but yeah it seems I manage it quite easily.
I don’t see the point in staying alive, I just want to die. But knowing my luck I’d fail at it, or get caught halfway through. Let alone screw my family up if u succeed or not. I just want to run away and cone back 2years later, that way I could see what would happen if I left. They probarlly wouldn’t even notice, or they’d tell me to go back into the wood or something….. Yeah, I’ll shut up now
i dont know when the pain forst began, or if it ever did. maybe i was just born with it. stuck in a life where dead ends is all there ever will be. that everytime i leave it, i get something worse. its become the normal. and sometimes, well most of the time i feel like i need it. like it will always be there and i have nothing without it. it seems to me that i am inviting it, that i look for it. im always down and depressed for no reason at all. and maybe the reason is me. maybe i truely am my own worst enemy. i look for love where i know it will not be returned. i procrastinate to the point where when i go to attempt what ive put off, the oppurtunity is not there. was never there…
i degrade myself when i dont need to, i mean everybody else does it. why should i? but what i feel on the inside i reflect in there mirror. i am what i am and thats all there will ever be of me. because i truely am miserable at best. i just feel like everything is so unfair, and thats pathetic because life is unfair. i should just accept that and move on right? wrong its so hard to do, when all you have are hopes and dreams. but they all shatter in the end. just like the glass shatters beneath my feet. but really rthats what it boils down to. we all are very fragile, and when we put ourselves in bad situations we break, just a little at a time, until were just shattered remains, a ghost of our former selves. but really how do we build ourselves back up? there really isnt a brand of duct tape or super glue that can fix the mental breaks. once your depressed your always depressed i guess, you just learn to live with it. there is no getting over it, there is no perfect medication. there is no fix to the fucked up. just a coping method. and even those are not permanant. so in the end once your broke your always broke. and who wants something broken? because in essence something broke is trash. so there for im trash.
im the kind of trash no one goes dumpster diving for, im the slime, the used tooth brush or whatever. im just not good, not good at all.
Well that is it. I skipped class today after just another shitty day without talking or knowing noone in this huge class of over 100 students and already by now everyone has study groups. After that moment something glitched in my brain and I simply did what I always do. Escape. So I took the first bus home. I was so pissed off at myself that I turned to the closest mall and told myself that I would not be a ***** any longer and go through with taking my life today..so I bought a six pack of ice cold Heinekens and a bottle of cognac, some plstic bags and a duct tape.
I am really mindset(?) to do this and so far this is the next best thing since I moved out alone and got myself into college. But then I just got off the phone with mother. Got yelled at because I said I find everything difficult and that I am tired of everything. She says I love to roll around in self pity and go into the state of where I feel helpless, insecure and in need of help. She is totally right. I am! This and other things and events of my life was mentioned on and on for over 10 minutes and her damned voice escalates. But damn it, she is always right.
I am pathetic and I love that shit. I love that everytime I hit a small obstacle, I’ll turn it into Mount Everest. That’s how I see verything and thats where the problem lies. I think I might have saved my assÂ for one more day. Today was a shit day, Im all alone, my only friend is far away and busy, mother is only to yell and lecture my ass and I got nowhere to go. Stuck inside by the computer again. I chickened out today but I can tell myself right now I am still on the fucking edge of going exit bag-insuline shots-booze galore on my self…. Hey, there is booze in the fridge!
This is my first posting on here.. Oh wow, I don’t even know where or how to start. Just gonna wing it..
I am 26 years old and living a miserable life inside my miserable home in miserable Phoenix, AZ. Actually I have been very fortunate.. I have a great family and they may be, in part, why I am still here. My parents have given me all the tools I could ever want to succeed in life, but I do nothing except throw them out the window it seems. Anyway, amidst some legal trouble, relationship trouble, unemployment trouble, and really just troubles in life, I have decided I would rather become a ghost and see if anything else is beyond what we call life on earth. I thought I would ingest a handful of pills and drink myself to death.. I started doing research, which is where I discovered the suicide project. I have spent hours upon hours reading stories just like mine. Even though i know nobody here and his is my first blog I feel very comfortable and at home. Anyway, after hours of reading stories of trial and error and researching different methods, I discovered the “helium Hood method”. This seemed to be painless and easy… researching a little more I discovered that replacing helium with ******** was the way to go. Can’t go wrong I thought!
So about 3 weeks ago I went to target because I hate wal-mart, and purchased large oven bags, some draw string and duct tape. Following directions I found online, I made my own exit bag to the T. I went to a local welding shop and purchased a large ******** tank (5ft tall) and some rubber hose. I’m set!
I woke up next morning, went on a peaceful motorcycle ride to canyon lake, said my good byes and I love you’s.. went home, propped my pillows up, positioned my tank near my bed, grabbed my hood and played down. I did a practice run, positioned the Hood over my head and pulled the drawstring tight.. I was surprised that it didn’t freak me out.. then knock at the door! I can hear my mom calling my name.. shit! She was checking on me, seeing how I’m doing.. I told her I was ok.. she told me to come over for dinner tonight. Mom potentially saved my life.
A few depressing days later, I was ready to try this one more time. Yada yada yada, Im in bed and pull the Hood down and tighten it. I turned on the ******** tank and the gas noise coming from tubing to the hood was scary! I sat for a couple seconds panicked and removed the hood. I drank heavily and went to bed.
There it sits in the corner of my room, ******** tank and hood, glarring at me. I can’t even do this right. So a couple days ago I grew the balls and thought id try it one more time.. this time I’m expecting the noise, so it shouldn’t be as scary.. piece of cake! Laying down, Hood is on.. to make it easier I had a plan to close my eyes and count each deep breathe from one until I’m asleep.. 1,2,3,…30! Wtf! I feel fine! So I removed the hood and threw it aside yet again. The Hood filled up like a balloon, so I know it didn’t leak… why can’t I do this? I just wanna be a ghost. I have read over and over that I should be unconscious almost instantly…?? Id ask for some advice, but obviously if you have done this successfully then you will not be giving any.. so I just thought id share/vent. I’m frustrated. Please talk to me.. your thoughts?