I must never forget what I’m designed for at all times. Even though it will be very painful, I must never believe that I could ever form a significant bond with any of them. At every layer of my personality there is something there that they will disagree with or worse, despise. I may resort to omitting details or lies, but this will compound my suffering.
Tag:
Edict
When it comes to tasks of any significance, I will always be inadequate. When it comes to intellect, I will always be severely lacking. I am however, skilled in unintentionally feigning adequacy or intelligence. This allows for people to believe that they can rely on me, which is inevitably followed by my inability to meet their expectations. This failure to contribute in any meaningful way to society is one among many reasons that I’ve mandated my own death.
I do not belong in this world. For the sake of others, I will not permit them to keep me anchored here.
They are never interested in me, no matter how compelling it might be to think they are.
Also, I must make a point of viewing pictures of real dead bodies and videos of suicides to become desensitized the reality of my own death and the idea of my corpse.
I am truly alone and one of a kind. Any indication of the contrary is a misinterpretation on my part or deceit from the other party, be it intentional or unintentional.
This individuality is the basis for my necessary death.
All good things are deceptive. I must not forget that even good days are an illusion.
i hope you are up to date with your reading. someone is jerking me around. your office says its the insurance co. the insurance co says its the office. either way for some reason my co-pay to see you has now tripled. been waiting for some edict from on high saying i need to stop seeing you so often. guess now i got it. something to do with specialist services versus therapy services. blah blah blah. i love insurance companies. oh well its only money right? my current financial crisis notwithstanding. i keep saying i am worth more dead than alive. yet another example. someone […]
well a lively chat today. i was surprised that you had already read last nights post. and surprised that you would be offended by that surprise. seriously my cynicism has everything to do with my self loathing and not your personal or professional capabilities. my previous therapist never called me at the hut . and i know that i am just one of many that you see. i did notice by the way that you zinged me pretty good. yes i know that killing myself would leave a mess for others to clean up. both literally and figuratively. i also know that my family and […]
So my friend is here. Thank god for that. She really helps me, just by being here and caring. I am so scared of tomorrow because I find out the edict of what my doctor is going to decide. I really don’t want to be locked up again, but you know that by now. I’ve decided to do whatever she says, though, even give her my writings, just as long as i get my say first. My mom is on to me. She found the broken glass. I am so sensitive. Everything makes me want to cut. Everything. My mom is so worried. I don’t […]