In the mood for some Hicks today…
With those judgey eyes
they try to stare into our minds
but they never get past our
They only believe what they
see and hear.
Anymore would take too much
Instead of talking with calmness
they simply yell with frustration.
If they actually listened, understood
we wouldn’t be like this.
Their blinded ‘perfection’ constantly
crushes our sad reality.
We are shattered
and they still hold the hammer.
Everyone seems pretty adamant I’m going to college tomorrow. They don’t understand that I don’t need college, I’m doing a bakery business and I’m going to write. Wasting my time and effort at college doing art is stupid when I could be writing, or starting up the bakery.
I gave a hint about me not going, and my mum blew up at me on several occasions today. Great. I need to just avoid it all week until Friday, and tell my therapist. She’ll get it across into my Mum’s thick skull that I don’t need college. I’m going to fail anyway so why drag it out for another 2 months?bi may as well just drop out now.
I could probably pretend I’m going into college in the morning, and instead go the library to research, or go to the shop and preorder things for my bakery. Or I could get a doctor’s appointment just to get out of college instead.
Because my Mum’s gone to bed she’s made me go to my room (it’s not even midnight yet), so I have my TV on loud just for the heck of it.
I’ve started planning out a new novel, too. So I have that to focus on as well. I stayed away from everyone all day so I didn’t annoy them with constant talking and energy, and yet I’m still yelled at for stupid things – which sets my anger off that has been awful since I’ve been so hyper, so things have been said which probably shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t care less about it.
On another note, I have a few basic phrases for some of the places I’m stopping in during my trip, and I’ve made a list of things to take – all of which done while I should’ve been doing an essay that’s due tomorrow. This is more important, though. Everyone just needs to get it. Christ, it’s not that hard.
It’s like I’m stuck in limp mode like a vehicle does when something seriously goes wrong with it. Even when I’m not in a depressed state I find myself conserving energy in everything I do. I’ll have a piece of toast for breakfast instead of eggs because it’s easier. I won’t do my hair or wear decent clothes (laundry) if I’m not leaving the house (which is at least 5 days of the week). Then when I do leave the house I do the bare minimum to just not look like a complete slob. It seems like complete laziness, but I just can’t seem to justify making any kind of effort.
I think it’s because I don’t find myself worthy of the effort.
It’s frustrating because I know that I’m a good person and bring good stuff into the lives of people around me, but I just don’t feel it. How do I get to the stage where I actually believe all the facts that are in my head?
It feels so nice to say these words and actually mean them.
I just came out of the psych ward today. It wasn’t bad in there. I met a few souls whom I spoke to and connected with on a very different level.
I know I’d been saying all along that the one thing I feared most was being admitted there and being seen by my classmates. But when I was there, I actually didn’t give a fuck. I was there to fix myself.
I’ve made a decision. This is a very serious and important decision for me and I hope I stick to it. No more attempts for me. I’ve played around with pills, knives and a rope long enough. I’m putting them all down.
My family takes priority. I know I should say ‘I’ take priority, but I feel I’m not deserving of life. I have this life to better their lives. When I will actually say I want to live for me? I don’t know. Do I want that day to come? Idk.
I feel free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I need to thank someone for this.
Mr Angry… Thank you. I don’t know how you’re doing with all the shit you’re carrying for me. But thank you.
I can breathe again. My head is clear. Suicide thoughts are still there, but not as intense. They are right at the back of my mind. Pain is still there, but I can see something beautiful beyond it.
I feel alive again. I don’t feel like a Zombie anymore.
I’m not sure where to from here. I guess right now I should take things slowly. Go easy on myself. The most important thing for me right now is studying for an exam I have in 2 weeks time. I’ve already missed about 2 weeks of school. I have a lot of catching up to do. But I believe in myself. I truly believe that I can make it. I’ll put in as much effort without over-exerting myself.
I CAN STILL DO THIS!!!
To be honest, I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. Nothing particularly bad happened I’m just so unreasonably miserable.
Today, I’m so desperately wishing that the human body wasn’t built to survive, and that it wasn’t so difficult to die. I wish I knew how to use a gun, because if I did I’d shoot myself since I have access to a gun. I wish all the useless leftover antidepressants I had would kill me if I took them all. Maybe the lexapro would since I’m allergic.
I wish I knew one person who was kind to me, I wish I had friends. I wish I knew one person who wasn’t broke or in need. I wish I knew one person who was successful. I wish I knew one person who was actually happy. I wish I didn’t need money so damn bad. I wish I didn’t need support and friendship and love, but I do. And it’s never any where to be found. I wish I knew someone who had a relationship that worked out. I wish I knew anyone who had ever had anything work out for them.
Life seems so full of shit. For the past 20 years people have told me it will get better when things just get worse. And to be honest, as stupid and cliche as it is sometimes that’s all I want to hear. Sometimes all I want is a real live friend to tell me it will be okay, but I never get that. I put so much effort into people that put no effort into me. I’ve been abused my whole life and now all I know is how to abuse myself.
Once a psychologist told anyone can think themselves into a depression and that’s all I do all the time, is sit here and think myself miserable. I feel so worthless all the time. Why does anyone bother? I’m a miserable person who is struggling for money and hates waking up everyday. So is everyone else I know. I’ve never met someone who’s actually enjoying their life so what’s the point?
Sorry, most of my posts are just random outpourings of emotions that make me sound so stupid and crazy, but they make me feel better so don’t judge me.
Anxiety? Social, specifically. I do – mine is so bad that I’m totally non-functional in life. I can’t do what other people do without extreme anxiety. I don’t see this getting better, at least not without a heroic effort (which I don’t have in me anymore, and anyway, I’d have to spread my heroic effort energies among lots of other problems which would mean none would truly be solved.) So, anyone…?
I am feeling so damned depression, feel myself nearing the outskirts of stability. So sick of fucking living in my mind. Wish I could talk to people, and extract some joy out of it. Wish that I felt wanted, wish I had something to interact with socially, and I don’t want it. It’s all a fucking joke. It’s all my mind, my brain chemistry, my destiny maybe (?), I got no fucking clue what it is, perhaps it’s my ever dwindling and fluctuating self confidence. I have no ability to focus, all I do is mindlessly watch television. I look at sp, and the posts are too much effort to read. I am fucking sick of life, makes me want to melt down, buy up research chemicals, and have a good old time. That being said, I know that’s not the answer either. So what am I to do? Sit inside and let depression, anxiety, and dysphoria consume me?
So…in a couple of hours I’m going to be seeing my GP for the first time in a verrrry long time. I’m on medication for high blood pressure because I’m overweight. Problem is I’m a lot heavier than the last time I saw him, so my BP is probably through the roof. He’ll be wanting to know why that is. How can I explain to him why I stuff myself with food when I still trying to figure it out myself! The real problem is that hubby insists on sitting in on these 10 minute slots with the doctor. Maybe I should say I want to go in by myself, but then I get accused of being secretive and he gets pissed off. Perhaps I should make a stand and go in by myself. I like my GP. When I’ve previously spoken to him about my depression, he referred my for counselling before handing me some pills. His attitude seems a lot different to most medical people who just seem to want to medicate people so they’re zombies. I think I could tell him about the failed suicide attempt last November and the fact I want to do it again (and know how to get it right this time). Part of me is really curious to see how he’d react. I don’t know though. I’m on auto-pilot these days when people ask how I am. I’m not sure I could be totally upfront with anyone anymore. Just too much effort to tell in order to be just brushed aside with a banal comment.
At least here I can say what I like and people understand. Hugs to all of you special people!
You lay awake in bed at night wondering where every little thing went wrong.
You create amazing friendships hoping they will spark into something intimate. You spend days, weeks, months and occasionally years talking to someone only to one day realise the effort disappears and you find that you are now the instigator. They never message you first, or call or whatever. It’s up to you.
Then one day you decide “okay, I’m not going to start the conversation this time. I will wait for them to instigate it.” Next thing you know you it’s been a few days and then weeks and months and you realise its lost. Then you start to think that YOU fucked up because YOU decided to stop instigating the conversations. You lay awake in bed at night wondering where every little thing went wrong. And you contemplate sending a text or a snapchat or commenting on a post somewhere, hoping you will pick up where you left off. And one day you do just that, you send them a text “Hey, how’s it going?” Etc. and after a few minutes you tell them you miss them.
You see for them, you’ve been gone for ages, they’ve moved on. But you, although the it’s been a month and a bit, you feel like you said goodnight yesterday.
And so it’s hard.
It’s hard facing that you are nothing to them now. No matter how much you try and fix it, it’s gone. All the work and all the effort creating something amazing, gone like that. Like trying to seize and opportunity, you try and do it in the moment but once it’s passed its gone.
And so you’re left with good memories but you’ll never get it back to how it was
its just a “Hey” that keeps you around
I haven’t really planned much I’d like to do in my final days or weeks. I see others like to treat themselves to an expensive meal, or visit somewhere special before they go. Me, I just don’t want to give my children’s father the chance to continue poisoning their minds against me for the rest of time. So maybe writing something for both of them to read when they’re older…. I don’t know. It all seems like so much effort. I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control. What about you? Have you thought of some things you’d like to do before it’s your time to go?
I have a decision to kill myself in the head but at the same time I have people who are trying to help me. They want to add psychoanalyst to my psychologist and psychiatrist. Also I am supposed to have a support person who would meet me I don’t know once a week. I feel like its too much. Too many people putting their nose into my business. And it feels like so much effort for nothing.
I don’t see anything changing my mind. Of course I can’t tell them my real thougths. Or maybe I should. I am hospitalized already… Ah I’ve been thinking what about people who are too depressed to post on SP, even if they come here? I don’t think I am really depressed but I have trouble expressing myself here too. *it was a change of topic I know* It bothers me that whatever I say they still want to help even more.
Ewh… Whatever can’t make this post work. But maybe some of you are also over crowded with helpers.
There is nothing wrong with my life. Everything is perfect. But I am feeling so down, so sick, so bad.
I am so scare of failing my suicide attempt. I can’t move. I wont try it, I know it, and I hate it.
I am scared of men, I am scared of women too, I hate living. And yet, everything is going as each and every little thing should go. People are nice and everything is ok. Except my head.
I wish I was different in a deep unconscious way. But there is this part of me that’s rotten and that I can’t heal. I don’t know why. I killed it with my ignorance, and my stupidity, and now I can put some cords on it and make it move like a puppet, but I know it is dead.
Stupid me, stupid ireflexive, lazy, ignorant me. I wish someone could help me, I am crying, calling for help, but there is me, always screwing things up, avoiding every effort to succed. still deaf, still blind.
I could change how I am, but there is me, making it imposible.
so i was recently dating this guy we dated for almost two years… as you can probably imagine i was or still am in love with that guy… he messed up many times during the relationship and i always forgave him everytime! in november he started acting weird with me and he didn’t really seem to care about our relationship that much he would ignore me when we would go to family parties and just text me even thought i would be right there. i made me feel bad like he didn’t care! soon enough he became more distant we would go to dates and he wouldn’t even talk or make an effort to talk to me he would simply just ignore me and i could tell he wasn’t into me anymore. so i broke up with him … we never really stopped talking we would still see each other and pretty much act like boyfriend and girlfriend, yesterday we finally talked about what we were and he told he he still loved me .. he said things that i have herd him say before and we agreed that we were talking again. while i was sending a picture to my phone from his i saw that there was a picture of him and a girl making out it hurt me a lot because he’s been treating me like his girlfriend all this time and that happend, i got super mad and depressed over that it just hurts a lot , i know he deserves to move on but i just don’t understand why he fooled me like that. and now he decided that he’s not sure what he wants and doesn’t think we should talk anymore, and im basically heart broken! am i stupid for feeling like this ?? should i just move on? does it mean he’s into that girl?
Life is depressing
Life is frustrating
Life is a lot of effort
Life is painful
Life is a lot of bills
…and never enough money
Life is one struggle after another after another
Life is full of bad people, greedy people, and people who will stab you in the back
Life is full of racists, bigots and sexists
Life is full of corruption
Life is unjust and unfair
Life is trying so hard and still getting nowhere
Life is cruel to those born in poverty, living in poverty, born with disabilities or those living with disabilities
Life is not a life when you have no energy to do anything
Life is not happy for god knows how many people
All my life I’ve studied and worked like a dog to achieve success. Now, at 27, from the outside, it looks like everything is perfect – money, friends, girls. Inside, however, I’ve been battling anxiety for 9 months now. Every day I wake up and I dread the next bedtime. I fear I won’t be able to sleep well and everything I built up will slowly turn to dust as insomnia destroys my life.
Then, most nights, I actually do sleep well. The fear stays, though, and gnaws at me constantly. People say, “Let’s meet next week!” And I’m not certain I’ll make it to next week.
I envision catching horrible diseases, like Restless Legs Syndrome, that will prevent me from sleeping well ever again. I don’t have anything yet. But maybe this will be the first night one of these starts.
It’s a neverending, nerve-wracking torment. You work your ass off all your life and it turns out that there is nothing at the end of the rainbow. Just more work and your own fucking brain torturing you.
I ordered two 100ml bottles filled with a very special liquid that solves all problems permanently. If I really do catch one of these diseases, or if I really do get insomnia, I’ll drink this special potion. I will NOT stand by and cry as all my past effort goes to shit. If my brain doesn’t want to sleep at night – it will sleep for ever.
Memories are flashing through my head constantly now like a movie stuck on replay. All of my mistakes and superficial triumphs… In an effort to escape them, I resorted to my old self-harm habits: hair pulling, scratching, biting and eye gouging… With the very hand that is trying to rip away the past reflected in the eye above, so will it end the future. I find it ironic that if I came to SP sooner, I might have not “thrown away my ex due to depression” venting on here instead. Oh well… That superficial nymphomaniac probably would have dumped me anyway since I might as well have been asexual when I met her due to cruel biology. It’s been interesting, everyone. I’m done walking. Maybe in another life, I could have been one of the honest people trying to save you guys/girls from your own demons… Sayonara, minna-san. I hope all of you get what you desire at the end of your journeys even if it’s freedom from life itself.
I don’t even know if you really like me. You seem to put an unusual amount of effort into trying to talk to me, but maybe that’s just the way you are. Maybe you’re just nice. You are nice. Always. Even when you seem miserable. Not in a shiny, happy, fake way, but a sad, resigned, kind way. You’re probably the most enthusiastic person I know, and you put so much effort into weird little gestures that no one really appreciates. It’s like you actually care or something. I don’t see that often. Sensitive people are rare around here.
I catch myself wanting to stop work and look at you, whenever you’re around. Not because you’re stunning or anything. But just because you’re you, and I care.
Unlike most of the people I find attractive, I actually like you. Weird. I feel a real affinity for you, although we’re very different. You’re always chatting, and I’m incredibly quiet, but I can sense the anxiety and insecurity underlying what you say. There’s this nervous, uncertain energy driving you. Your coping strategy is just healthier than mine. I wish I could be the one to reassure you, and make you happy. When you’re happy your warmth lights up the room.
I love the random, weird stuff you come up with, just to make conversation. Talking with you is easy, and funny. You’re so smart, but invent all this dumb stuff to pass the time, and put people at ease. It’s a good compliment to my dry cynicism.
I love that you don’t hide all your eccentric little mannerisms, despite how self-conscious you are of seeming weird.
As I said, I don’t even know if you really like me. But if I wasn’t so screwed up, I’d risk asking you out.
As things are, I just…..can’t. I can’t risk letting you see who I really am, letting my cultivated shroud of mystery dissipate. Because if you saw, you’d be repulsed. You’d hate me. And I couldn’t take that. So I keep you at a distance, although I want to be close to you.
I don’t want to stop these feelings – they’re some of the few good ones left in me. But I don’t know how to carry them without doing anything about them.
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