I have no reason for it. No reason for the pain, guilt, or regret. No reason to complain or whine or say anything bad about my life.
My family are some of the nicest, kindest people on this planet. My friends are always there for me no matter what. I love them all so much and would do anything for them.Â I came from a wealthy home. While I was not given everything, I was given what I needed(and a little extra) and that is not something everyone can say. I’ve had a good education. I wouldn’t say I’m a genius but if I.Q. tests tell you anything I have above average intelligence. I’ve only been bullied once in elementary school but that was all(from what I know). People tell me I’m a talented musician. I play the violin, piano, and ukulele but I am also starting to learn the guitar. I probably have a good career ahead of me too. I am one of the most fortunate people in the world, yet I seem to want to leave it.
It is something I have pondered over for hours a day. Why do I want it to end? It’s a question I still haven’t been able to answer. All I know is it’s always on my mind. It has consumed my life like a black hole. It is always there, following me as I breeze through my life. My smile never reaches my eyes. When I look in the mirror I see nothing but an empty shell with vacant eyes.
Everyday is a fight for me. Should I pick up that bottle of pills? Should I just cut myself with a knife and let myself slowly lull into peace? This never ending battle is draining, but I have always counted on my family and friends to allow me to absorb some energy from them to keep on going.
I’ve tried telling my best friends what was happening, but was only half successful. I got the point across I was depressed but could not tell them to what extent. I was ashamed of myself. I let myself down and them down, I know. I still have not been able to tell my family. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I don’t want someone to be distracted by me and my problems. It doesn’t seem fair for me to put this burden on anyone.
Now I am in college. My family and friends are all gone. I talk to them in short spurts between my classes and their classes. The generic “Hey, hows it going?” with the generic response “Fine”. That is what my friendships with these people, friendships that lasted since elementary school, have become. Our conversations are not of friends, but of acquaintances who happen to pass each other on the street and feel like they have to say hi. It is the same with my family. As my Mom goes on about what has been happening back home, my words of choice are “huh”, “wow”, “ha”, and my favorite, “k”.
I don’t know why I can’t speak with them anymore. Is it the distance? Am I purposefully trying to isolate myself? Is this my unconscious mind trying to get me to feel even more alone than I do already?
What has truly held me back from taking my life has been the guilt. The guilt of leaving my parents, these great, loving people, a body that used to be their son that they loved. The guilt of leaving my friends, the ones that have stood by me most of my life, with an empty spot in the car on vacations. I also did not want anyone to think that what I had done was someone’s fault. As I said before, no one was to blame. There is just me. Me and my mind, daydreaming about dying in the middle of class. Fantasizing about finding the perfect way to die.
To take my mind off of all of this, I had activities to keep myself busy. Either I would call my friends to hangout, read a book, or play a video game. I’m finding it near impossible trying to make friends here at college. None of them have been able to live up to my friends back home, or so I keep telling myself. Whenever there is a social event going on, I never can get the energy or motivation to go, so I am stuck in my dorm room. Shut in from the social world, just sitting on my bed browsing the web. Reading a book was the most helpful during the book, but afterwords everything would hit me twice as hard. While in the middle of a book, I could pretend I WAS the main character. It was me saving people, it was me getting the girl, it was me getting the happy ending. As I finish with the last page of a book I start to feel like my life is even worse. Nothing can compare to a happy ending in a book. Everything seems to work out and everyone has a good, happy life. I realize my life will never be that way, but I still can’t help wanting it. The video games were just something that kept my mind focused. I would sit at a computer for hours and hours playing a game and I would get off forgetting some of the thoughts that were once swimming in my brain.
I’m in college with no friends and no prospects of gaining any. I’ve lost all interest in books. I left my gaming laptop at home and I am not able to play games on this laptop. I cannot find anyone to draw energy from to keep the demons at bay. Any day now they will come crashing through the doors and release the floodgates.
I’m trying. I keep on thinking of everyone I love. Everyone who has meant so much to me. Everyone who has given me something. But it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I am a sinking ship with no lifeboats.
I hope to one day discover the unknown part of me that makes me feel this way, but I fear I may not live long enough to do so. I am sorry for writing so much, but when I started I could no stop. Thank you for reading this. I hope I can come back to this with news of how I may of lost some battles but I won the war and share how I did it to help others. Please do not take this post as another sign that it is hopeless for you. If you are going to take anything away from this, try to find the source of the demons to try and stop the flow. I’m still searching.
/end cheesy story
I sat there on the side of slop. The summer wheat swayed in the wind as I watched the sunset. I relaized that the world is full of beauty and I am nothing. I hung my head and realized, no one really listens, no one gets it. This hurt inside me is so deep, so painful, so incredibly numbing, that it goes on the lingering for suicide anymore. I simply don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I live, I don’t care if I die. I simply perform like an actor. If the program calls for laughter I laugh, if it calls for sadness I cry. Other then that I am just a shell. An empty shell that walks the earth. I consume nothing, I give nothing. I am a silent stalker of the shadows. I am a live, but I am not living.
Is this what people want? Would they rather have loved ones around, like this. Numb shells walking the earth forever in pain and alone, instead of them taking their own life, and ending it all?
I am confused, I am lost. I want to reach out for help….but sadly there is no one at the end of my rope. There is no guiding light….I feel nothing, am nothing. But here I am. There you are, reading these words not realizing that I am already dead. Just a corps….that moves that talks that mimic you.
All I am, All I was is lost…..I simply be.
The painful reality dooms on me everyday- that this isn’t for me but I don’t feel like I’m giving up anymore, I just feel like I’m giving in to the inevitable.
It is a bitter sweet world, consisting of unfathomable wonder, endless mystery and ceaseless painÂ but I’ve only been getting a taste of the bitter and the pain.Â This world breaks my heart, and I’m too sensitive to bear it. All the suffering and anguish, that I cannot do nothing about. It affects me, maybe it shouldn’t, why should I be so concerned about every ones pain? But this is who I am unfortunately.
It’s been a long long 21 years, withÂ Â melancholy taking over every inch of me. YearsÂ wasted on excavating for the innocent soul I lost years ago and holding the suffocating masks against my face. I’m a mere empty shell walking around, alive but dead inside.. the irony. Since I was a child, I’ve been tired, waiting for my last breath, on a death bed since I was born.
My life holds no meaning, an epic tragedy, if there is God or a higher power, they don’t like me much. And what hurts more than anything is.. I don’t understand what I did to deserve such horror, a child.Â That’s when I started to pray every night, Â for colorful wings under my shoulder bladesÂ fluttering against my little bodyÂ and lifting me up to the heavens so I could a escape theÂ depths of hell some refer to as home. Silent prayers, whispered under a thousand useless stars. How can waking up every morning feel like torture? Drowning by your own sadness is the worst kind of fate because tomorrow awaits for you with what seems like an ocean.
I curse the blood that runs through my veins, for I share it with people I loathe. I curse who I am more than the ones who made me this way, because I am the one who has to live in this shell, being at war with myself, a constant bloodshed.
I’ve attempted suicide, but writing this makes it clear I haven’t succeeded, I chase death, dream of death, death, death, death, death, the last ballad on my lips, but I never seem to get close enough, outreached fingers waiting, an unrequitedÂ love.
One good reason to live?.. i don’t see one, i just don’t desire life anymore much like anyone who knows the feeling of constantÂ loneliness, it is never ending no matter how hard you try. I’ve been trying to “be happy” for the past few months only because this girl who i could’ve called my best friend was telling me there are reasons to be happy.. Note i am also inlove with her… Or was atleast, i have no idea where that stands but that was the last thing i cared about. Now that its gone? I really couldn’t tell you what i plan do to with myself, Â emotionaly i can feel sadness and any happiness i DO feel is pretty transparent. i’m just tired of exsiting in general, of course i love that fucking *****. and my dying would probally distrot her, but it also turns out anything i may of had with her for the past 4 years might’ve been the biggest fucking lie of my life, i’ve cried about this for a while but i don’t do that anymore, physically i don’t think i can, i just feel like a empty shell of what was once a person. Every morning is the same shit going down, waiting for someone who frankly might not even give the slightests of shits about me? I try not to fret on it, but then all the other fucked up parts of my life come back into perspective it all just seems pretty un-bareable.. And just a waste of time. Everyone has the same agenda because thats how people work, they only get to know you because maybe its the rare occasion they actually like you, or the mostÂ plausibleÂ cause is that they want something from you. Either way it doesn’t matter, i have no reason to live my life for much longer. i can see my death happen, and the “after-effects”
I’ve played it out in my head, how it would happen. Sure my parents and family would probally be sad or some shit like that, but i’ve always tried to unknowningly alienate myself from them and try to keep distant, maybe i was suppose to kill myself. Â But i just don’t know what to think about any of that, Even with my dad when he calls, for some reason i try to avoid conversation and hes done nothing wrong.
Maybe i’m just guessing im very confused.. But it doesn’t matter i still feel the strong urge just to end it.. Literally, i cross the streets here in town and sometimes try crossing to early when cars get close, just muttering “Fucking hit me, bro” “DO IT!”. It”d be easier for me, i wouldn’t have to contemplate it, unless i survive it and have to be a fucking vegetable, i’d have a reason to die then. ..
I still don’t see why i should try to keep going on in this cycle of repetive bullshit, and it seems like nowa’days the only escape i have is fucking getting high or drinking myself stupid. even while being intoxicated i still think about blowing my brains out, i mean come on. it never stops with me. I just can’t be happy again, and this isn’t just about my Ex, Just something changed in me and i can feel it. I’m just starting to think its been there the whole time.. i just masked it with lies i created to myself to give me a reason to “do life” but life in itself? Oh man… Dude we are just fucking memebers of cellular evolution, thats another thing.. I see life physically with a sence of agnostic, there is no higher power i can see, and as far as i know the human race is just a fire slowly waiting to burn out, unless they can make the changes to survive, But unlike me. My flame burnt out along time ago, i’m already dead inside, and no one is going to bother throwing someÂ metaphoricalÂ gasoline on me.
Take it from a empty shell, There is no reason.
There is always a possibility that things could get better,
STOP saying this, there is also a possibility things could get worst!
You feel this way now, but tomorrow you might feel diffrent.
NO I might have the courage for this today while tomorrow I FEEL the exact same way and you just screwed up my opening
I understand what your going through.
Actually you dont, see we are two diffrent people with diffrent make up, what might be a little to you might be huge in my eyes
You dont want to do this.
Dont try to read my mind, cause your wrong!
There are a billion more comments I see out there all the time that I just want to cock my head to and say, Really? Really? I am not an advocate for suicide. But if someone wants to, let them. If someone feels that is where their life is taking them, let them. Imagain this, what you are keeping around is not a person. Its an empty shell that starts to rought where once there was a soul. Sure they might fake a happyness for you, but inside they are DEAD already, let them rest in peace..
Today is my choosen date, I have all that I need to care about my plan, tonight I will go to dinner with my family, them knowing none of this. Tomorrow they will all wake up, hopefully I do it right and I will not.
Once, again my life is continuing on it’s downward decent; although this time it is spiraling out of control more rapidly than it ever has before.Â I can’t do any of this anymore…nor do I really want to.Â I am tired, of living, breathing, and existing.Â I feel as if IÂ do not even haveÂ a purpose anymore, but instead I am an empty shell that is carrying on the functions of the person that I used to be.Â No one cares about me, for awhile I thought that maybe for once in my life someone actually cared about me, but alas I was wrong.Â I was a fool to have even thought for one fleetingÂ moment, that anyone would ever care about someone like me.Â I am wrong.Â I do not deserve to be alive.Â I am a disgrace to the human race….
I want to fade away. There is very little of me already I’m an empty shell in fact if I wato full it would be of pain but sadly (no pun intended ) that shit won’t do you any good. Idk how I’m going to do it but it will be soon.
iv had a lot of thing happen to me in my life but the one thing that iv learned is that the people and things that are closest to you are the things that can hurt you
just recently i left my dad (im 16 by the way), my parents are divorced and every since iv felt like an empty shell, not because they are divorced but because they
are such different people.
all i want is to be normal, to get good exam results and go to a good college and get a good job, but i cant, i cant because i dont know who i am and growing up my
parents expected and thought different things of me, i adapted i chose to give them what they wanted and i because the person that the thought i was but now im lost,
lost in a confusion of who i am and what im supposed to do.
i study and do my work just as or even harder than most students but i just cant do well in exams, any test to be exact, maybe its because i feel homeless, a lot item
of sorts,like i have no place being here.
my mom and my dad moved to this country from South Africa after they found out my mom was pregnant, they move to get a better life for me, for us but it was doomed
from the beginning for my dad is an selfish asshole and my mom as nice as she may come across is an insecure, alcohol addicted emotional wreck, so as you could imagine
when it came to getting a divorce my dad was trying to dodge a bullet and the only option he came up with was to make me do it.
so he asked me if i wanted them to get a divorce and being at the young age of 6 i didn’t fully know what it meant, i thought it meant that we would just go away for
a day or two but never did i know fully the consequences of that action.
for a while i dint notice a difference they still lived together and ate together but they were different they would have 4 hour arguments about who was supposed to
buy my tooth brush and little insignificant things like that.
as my dad was more aggressive i took sides with my mom and she would cry for hours after and argument, saying stuff like how shes sorry and that she fucked everything
up for us and stuff like that, so i would sit down and just agree with her until she went to bed.
about this time things started to change, school felt real (for my age),all i really did was visit my dad one weekend every two weeks and i started to miss school and
i became antisocial the only time i really felt my self was when i was off school, alone at my house. you see i hated my dad, even then i knew it but there was
something stopping me, my mom she always looked out for my dad never putting him down and always saying that she didnt want to block contact with him for me, but she
secretly hated it, hated knowing that he could be saying bad things to me about her, it killed her, so she would call sometimes 50 times a day, it became the most
annoying thing on the planet for me and my dad. this was when i first saw my dads true nature, a cold blooded snake that could barely pass as human.
so i would sit there and listen for hours as my dad constantly dismissed my mom, it was the worst thing ever having to sit there and listen to you mom cry knowing that
there is nothing that you can do about it,
so i hated him,
i hated having to sitdown and ask my dad if i could go back to my moms house because i dont like it here,
i hated how he bought us a shit house just so he wouldn’t have to listen to her,
i hated how he would make me agree with him on topics about my mom,
i hated him dropping me off back at my moms house just so i could listen to them fight for 2 hours outside,
i hated how i could constantly be defending myself to him about things that iv done or do,
i hated how i would contently be defending my mom for things that he considers annoying,
but most of all i hate him.
so during this time things are a little hazy i dont remember much in days but more or less locations or activities. i remember long weekend nights sitting comforting my
mom over the recent argument, i remember faking sick just so i could be alone to think and not have anything to deal with anything or anyone, i remember being afraid of going to my dads house or being anywhere near him
, i remember constantly having to make up lies to my friends about where i have been, but most of all i remember the one night that i found out all the things my dad has done and all the things that he has hid from me,
like how he cheated on my mom, how she ran away from home after her mother was killed, how he treats her like shit for making him move here for me, and how he just gave us a shit house so that she wouldn’t do a property
settlement even though she has invested in our original house and all he pays is child support she never got anything out of the divorce even though she is unemployed and has a kid.
so yeah my dad is an asshole constantly making me do things that i dont want to do and exploiting my fears for a joke.
so my dad is fairly rich (not like he shares it around) so when he finds out that im not doing to well in some of my subjects he makes me a deal saying that i have a choice i can stay back and live with him one week and my mom the next or i can go to a private school
so because i hate him i say ill go to a private school but only to try and if i dont like it i can go back. a few days later my dad says hes enrolled me in the school but because its
so expensive he wants to “monitor my progress” and that means i have to live with him on a weekly basis. so now i am trapped in this school and my dad has tricked me into
doing two things that i don’t want to do and every time that i tell him that i want to leave him and the school he tells me that i cant and that hes given up too much for me
so i would lie there at night thinking if i ended it all now would anything change, i have a knife that i used to use lying on my table that i used to put to my neck and wonder if i had the courage to end it all, if anything would change, if anyone would care. eventually mustered up the courage and tried to get out of the school but fist they have a special psychiatrist that i have to see to get out, so after all that is done
i get out and i haven’t seen my dad since but my mom has started to drink again and she has turned her attention and problems from my dad to me, this has been extremely stressing for me as i am in year 11 of school one away from leaving and my exams are really important.
most of the time she wont leave me alone, telling me everything that she is going to do in her day and then she just ends up coming and standing outside my door telling me about her problems and stuff, but (im not trying to sound like a dick or anything) i have my own problems
and iv had problems but iv dealt with them, maybe not the best way but iv dealt with them, and she has done nothing about her problems.
it may sound insignificant and stupid now but if you were me you would know the emotional side to this all,
so now here i am i haven’t told you everything but i think you get the point, well i don’t know what else to do, i sit in bed thinking about things that i could do with my life but dying just feels right, i thought i wanted to be a video editor but now the life is sucked right
out of it, i feel like an empty shell waiting for my inevitable death the only question is when 90 or 20? who knows but this emptiness and loneness has to stop its like my time is flying by and all i can do is sit here and wonder if i things will ever change, if i will ever be energetic and happy, i used to think that all my problems would go away when i left my dad
but fate has a funny way of catching up with you.
time feels like a tomb, if you don’t move with it you will be surrounded by it.
“My name is unimportant. I am neither male, nor female. My age has no relevance to my grief.Â Consider me a faceless representation of depression. An anonymous death seeker. A hopeless nobody.”
I’ve met someone. At this point in time I can’t decide whether it’s a blessing or a curse, a cure to my life-long battle with depression, or a catalyst. This someone is special. The way I feel when I’m with them is astonishing. I feel happy, and content with myself. I feel at ease. At peace. And when I am with them it feels like my troubles have slipped through my crooked fingers, and have raced away to another world. It’s a rare occurrence that my suicidal tendencies take a back seat, and allow me to enjoy bits andÂ piecesÂ of this adventure we call life.
It wasn’t long ago that I had similar feelings for another, but another turned out to be cruel and unjust. Abusive. And I have flashbacks. When we are intimate I think about the past digging its fingers into my skin. And when we are romantic, the past once again flashes to my memory. I cannot escape it, it would seem. Afterall, my past relationship only since ended under a month ago. I’m frightened that I’m slowly making my way down the same path. I’m frightened that I’ll once again be put into a situation with which I cannot handle, and one that will send me spiraling down like all the rest. I’m not sure if I can handle another blow like that. I’m not good with disappointment. It eats away at me, bit by bit, until I’m nothing but an empty shell of a former self. The feeling, it seems, is quite familiar with me. It has become a safety blanket in which I can wrap myself and hide from the world. That shell has become both my barrier and my tomb, and although I wish to leap past my failed attempts at romance, I’m terrified that my shell will crack, and shatter, and what is left of my tattered soul will seep through the cracks and be lost forever.
Is it normal to be so frightened?
It’s a peculiar feeling, the one with which surgesÂ through my body. For the first time in my entire life, I have found myself being passionate, intimate, and making love instead of just having sex. And for the first time since I can remember, I feel a sense of self; a strength that has long since eluded me and that grips my very core and brings about bothÂ excitementÂ and caution.
I do believe that perhaps I may be perfect for this certain someone, and they have fallen for my much too quickly. I am not yet ready to be struck by Cupid’s arrow, nor am I ready to allow another to open their heart to me. I have been told that it could be more than just a crush… that it could be more than just being “in like with you.” I can’t say I want that. Love is evil in every sense. By definition it may oppose its hateful counterpart, but in reality they walk hand-in-hand. I cannot bring myself to accept either into my life. I’ve had too much of one, not enough of the other, and it seems the one is always in abundance whereas the other is always missing in action. If you’ve any idea who I am you’ll know which is which. I dare not speak their like.
I guess the highest amount of fear that resides in my mind is the simple fact that I don’t want to hurt anyone.Â Not them. Not myself. I wish to be the perfect partner, although perfection and I have never had a very understanding history. I’m not sure what route to take. In both sense, it would seem no matter what I do, the both of us will be miserable.
Perhaps I was just too optimistic about this so-called “love”, once upon a time. I do believe that some are better off alone in the dark, where they can be alone with their thoughts and their feelings, and never have to worry about causing any kind of pain toward anyone but themselves. Afterall, we can heal our own wounds with ease. Wounds caused by others aren’t so simple to find the cure.
I’ve never before asked for advice, knowing all too well I will recieve an abundance of flame wars and trolls, but perhaps this time will be different. I hereby ask my fellow Suicide Project members thus: How does one get over an abusive relationship, and ensure that it will not cause more difficulties in future relationships, if one should submit itself?
i’ve done it. i’ve made the decision to end my life. though tears are running down my face, i couldn’t be happier. i feel so peaceful, genuinely happy. a feeling i’ve never felt inmy life before. i’m not giving up, i’m just giving in. for years i’ve felt like an empty shell, being carried by the river out to sea to be drowned and i don’t mind. i don’t really want to die, i suppose, i just want to rest my head. i’m okay with it, i accept this situation. may my body be the last i see and my heartbeat the last that i hear. there are only two people in this world that i want to say my goodbyes to. my darling scott, my partner, my very best friend. i love you so very much. you’re just like an angel in my dreams, but in reality you’re a monster and the way you treat me is so unbearable. i wish you’d learn quicker but i suppose i would have had to wait. i said i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and i am. i just love you! and bear, my little man, the only thing that’s kept me on this earth for too long, i love you. mummy loves you and even though she’s gone, she’ll never stop. you won’t see me again, but you will find another mummy who loves you, not quite as much (cuz i don’t think that’s possible) but enough, and one day you won’t remember me quite so much.
so that’s it. i think i just wanted to leave a few words on this earth but my time has come, and i can’t wait to meet our lord god, our creator. may his warm arms embrace me as i’m welcomed into heaven and may the light that i see be as warm as the day.
good bye 🙂
Can it get any worse? He killed her that fucking bastard killed my fiancÃ©. My kids grandparents came & got my boys. Now I truly have nothing to live for. Why is this happening to me PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHY?? O DEAR MERCIFUL LORD TAKE ME HOME TO MY FIANCÃ‰ . I hate to take the easy way out but w/o her or my kids in nothing more than an empty shell. I hope it won’t be to painful!! Im scared but there’s no turning back now.!
**pardon my lack of grammar and editing but i justÂ don’tÂ give enough of a damn.**
I’m only fifteen.
I have spent my tiny little life feeling like I’m on the outside of everything looking in on it.
Do you know the feeling, like you are the only one whoÂ realizes just how fucked up everything is? I do and i feel that way every day. All the rich white people at my overlyÂ sociallyÂ competitiveÂ high school, my family life, society, the way our world works, life, they all seem like a circus act to me. i feel like almost every person on earth sees life as a fluffy cake with sweet pink icing on top. i see life as some dried up moldy dough in the corner of a kitchen.
i have a chemical imbalance in my brainÂ causing me to have ADD, some learningÂ disorder, gifted-ness, and who knows what other curses. the worst part of this is that it causes me to think faster, more, and deeper about everything. if you are on this website than i know that you know that life would be a hell of a lot lessÂ painfulÂ if you could stop thinking.
when iÂ analyze every moment of every second i realize that i hate everything about everything. i know iÂ don’tÂ want to live another eighty years like this, and that is why i cant make up my mind. iÂ don’tÂ cut myself, iÂ don’t try to end it all, i just accept all this pain, and it kills me because sometimes that makes me wonder if i amÂ actuallyÂ depressed, or just weak. i fear death and iÂ don’tÂ have the courage to endure physical pain, but i don’t want to be happy.
living out my life feeling as i do is not an option to me, but the thought of living a happy care-free life disgusts me.
i am empty,Â i refuse to live happy or sad and i don’t have it in me to put an end to it.
i am an empty shell looking in on a world of foolish puppets.
it is hell.
i dont know how to explainn it but i feel empty inside… its like ive given up on everything, my hopes, my will, and dreams…. ive completely frozen over, i dont show any emotion anymore and if i do, its all forced, it’s fake,Â i cant take it anymore…. i thought maybe its because i didnt feel anything about my friend who died recently or maybe ive just gotten use to death being apart of my life… idk anymore but this thing, this depression has changed me, each and every time i wake up i seem to be getting deeper into the darkness and soon im afraid ill be nothing but an empty shell.. :'(
I’m not sure what I’m doing here. All I know is today I feel really bad. I feel like an empty shell just living life as a robot. I am afraid of the darkness yet I want it to engulf me, I just want the pain to end.Â Â It’s been so long living with heartache and the bad memories. I just feel like I want it all to end I’m so tired, so tired I just can’t out of this hole. I pray I can overcome this but I never can. I just it want it all to end just go into the darkness and dissapear.
A couple of years ago I was a completely normal person. I was happier and my life seemed normal. I laughed a lot and I loved my family. I concentrated on them, because they were my life. Years passed, and things have gotten progressively worse. I’ve always had depression looming over me, but never this dark. I’ve always had anxiety, but never this painful. I’ve always been afraid of the outside world, but never this bad. Now, I am looking up ways to kill myself. And I have no where to turn.
I am a 21 year old with nothing going for her. If you knew how little a have accomplished in my life, you would judge me. Harshly. No one is of utter uselessness than I. I have nothing to my name. Completely nothing. Not even any experience in love, but at this point the prospect of love means nothing to me. It is trivial. I want to be alone and will be alone the rest of my life. I am a 21 year old adult who acts like a child who has severe social anxiety and severe depression. I have a fear of human contact. How can I live in this world? As time goes on, I’m finding it hard to survive. I will never accomplish anything, because I can’t do anything. No one knows because I wear a mask of normalcy. But I will never be normal, and I will never be able to live a normal life.
When I think of my life, I think of it as nothing. When I think of myself, I think of myself as nothing. When I think about my future, I think of it as nothing. If I feel like nothing, why shouldn’t I become nothing? I never thought I would even think about suicide. If you were to ask my former self about suicide, I would have thought it was the coward’s way out. I would have never even thought of the word. Now I just want to escape everything. I want to escape it permanently because it’s what I deserve. I want to end my life, but I am not brave enough….yet. I am an empty shell. I truly, and honestly have nothing to live for. Since I graduated high school things got progressively worse. I didn’t go to college, I didn’t have a job, no car, no independence. Nothing. I think because my parent’s pitied my anxiety issues and never wanted to push me too hard. Now I am 21, and things have not changed. I live with my sisters, but I am not independent. I am severely dependant on them even just to survive. I have such emotional issues, but they don’t realize it. Their contact is enough to keep me going for a little while, each day. I can’t tell them this. For it would be too much of a burden to them. They need to live their own lives, without me leeching off them. They would be better off without me. They would be angry at me for killing myself. But once they got over the hurt of me being dead, they would find that their lives were better, even if they couldn’t admit it. I know in my heart that this is true.
I have no friends anymore, I have lost them all because I am such an introvert. The only thing to keep me company is my books. To escape into a different reality. I have no more support from anyone because they have their own lives to think about. I am trapped, scared, and lonely. I have always liked being alone, but this is a different kind of lonely. A lonely where you are alone and empty, and will always be alone, forever. I think about how to kill myself more often. I don’t want the pain of killing myself, and I know it is selfish to others if I do. But a person like me cannot live in this type of world.
My only wish is that I could fall asleep and never wake up. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. My tear soaked pillow is the only witness to my despair. And I will continue to suffer in silence until the day I am brave enough to kill myself. I have a suicide plan and I will put it into action.
For I don’t belong here.
I’m trying to be here and be happy but I just don’t know how long I can keep up this lie. I look at the person that really cares about me and feel so bad about lying to them. I’ve lied about a lot and I don’t want to keep lying but I feel that if I tell her what I really have going on in my head I think it would scare her so much she’d be afraid of me. Then just yesterday I did something stupid but she doesn’t know. The other day she asked me if I have been thinking about cutting again and I told her no but that wasn’t true. I’d been thinking about it a lot I just couldn’t teel her that. And I’m still having dreams about me cutting myself till I bleed to death and I don’t call for help or anything I just slowly die. So when I’m around her I’m all happy and laughy but behind that I’m as sad and lonely as can be. I’m trying to be truely happy but I just don’t see what there to be happy about. everyone is always telling me that I’m this great and wonderful person but all I see is an empty shell that doesn’t know where it belongs.I really want to be truthful I just don’t want her not to be proud of me. That I’m falling right back where I was. I wish I didn’t have to hide from everyone that I love. I want to go and die where no one can find me so when I’m gone no one will cry for me. I’ll get to die in peace with knowing no one knowing what happened to me.
I am a 39 year old female, who has worked hard my whole life and up till a few years ago could not have been prouder of where I was, and how far I had came. I have never been in trouble with the law, and have been with my husband for over 20 years, and could never think of life any other way. Till 3 years ago. I had a siezure. I had not had any health problems at all before that, but after that first one, I had 3 more within 2 months. After many, many different doctors, we never found out why. But it caused something to me that I just can’t explain, nor can any of the doctors. I HATE myself now. I do not want to continue life, and everyday that goes by, is just another miserable day, with me demanding to know why I am still here. I worked for many years at our local hospital in the lab. I quit my job, and stop seeing my friends, let the voice mail pick up all my calls, and stop leaving my house. 3 years later I am still waiting for what the seizures started….for it all to end. I have been on anti- depressants, and they DO NOT WORK. I HATE MY LIFE. I do not want to go on. I don’t talk to my husband anymore, nor do I want him even around. I don’t like taliking to family, and don’t answer the door when they come, or the phone when they call. They all know how I feel. I am ready to take it to the next level if it isn’t going to happen soon, cause I simply am just to tired to go on in this lingo between life, and hell anymore. There is NEVER any good day’s. There are never any medium day’s. There are just day’s, after day’s,after day’s. They go on, and on. I sleep some day’s up to 15 hrs. a day, other day’s, I go 2-3 day’s with no sleep at all. I have prayed for God to just take me. This is no life for no one. I have been gone for 3 years now, why can’t he just let my body go, and let my family out of the hell they have had to endure the past 3 years? I have come to terms with this, it is time to let this empty shell go, and bury it, so that life can get back to normal for everyone else outside my four walls of hell. The light went out for me not them, I cant stand for them to live through the hell with me, why cant they. i HAVE NO IDEA HOW i CAN POSSIBLY JUSY TURN MY BACKYARD INTO A PLACE OF SOALLACE,WHERE WE CAN PRAY TO OUG GOD, AND NOT HAVE THE PROBLEMS FOLLOW US. WE RESPEST EVERTONES RIGHT TO PRIVACTTHIF MY MOYHT CANT COPE ANLONGER….HOWEVER MUCH IT HUTS ME, AND THE REST OF THE FAILY, THAT HAS CRUMBDLEDAPART. I WITNESS THESE HORRIBLE THIGS THAT ARE GING ON IN HR HEAD, ANS NOTHING,ONEONE HAS SAID, OR DONE HAS CHANGED HER VIEW ADOUT WHAY THEÂ TRUE NATURAL ORDER FOR BE. I MIGHT BE AN OUT CAST FROM MY FAILY, BUT I DONT WANT HE TO HAVIVIVING TO HER THE SCREEM, IN THE MIDDIEOFTHE, JUST TO TRY TO JET IN TO SEE HER CHILDREN, SHE WAS TO TAKE A BREAK FOR NOE, MAYBE IF ANYONE IS INTESTRED IN SSCARED AND NERVOUS,Â PLEASE ANY INFO REGUARDING HER WII BE TAKE,M ZNDÂ KEPT TOTALLYÂ SECULADUED.
ibeg from one mother toÂ pray with us, have hope with us
thank you god on the hightesr
greatÂ powers you havd done
but praiseforth the maricicales that happend, but of theÂ world that are fiially going to get the what has been conning but on th turms you want love