Living just costs too much…money, resources, energy, emotion. So much cost, and I don’t even want it.
Despite still having this energy and whatnot, the voices and figures have made it impossible to do anything with it for the past few days – meaning I have been increasingly irritable and angry.
I haven’t gotten any work done because I can’t concentrate on anything, so the energy gets burnt off with arguments and fights with my stepdad (verbal and physical – my cheekbone is slightly bruised again, which was accidental, but I’ve covered it so no one knows anyway).
I saw my therapist on Friday and she’s happy with me – I didn’t tell her much, and my mum was going on about how ‘well I’m doing’ which is bull but whatever. I see my psychiatrist this month, and she’ll question me again. Fun.
Bree won’t leave me alone. She keeps me awake most of the night, and then she constantly with me during the day. I don’t know why my mum hasn’t questioned her being here or how loud she is of a night, but I’m happy with her not saying anything. It gives me less stress since I don’t need to admit to her that I don’t actually know how Bree gets in the house or into college with me. To be fair, she has a lanyard to get into college, so she’s allowed there – she just doesn’t go to her lessons and sits with me.
Jeremy has been visiting more often, too. I saw him for 5 days last week – only for a few hours each time, I admit, but still more than usual. And I saw him for half the day yesterday. Bree is almost constant, though.
The voices don’t stop. Specifically the angels – they’re still keeping me safe. Everyone thinks I’m handling them all now – of course they’ll think that if I haven’t told them otherwise. They think I’m keeping myself busy which distracts me from them. Nothing distracts me from them anymore. I either accept it and listen to them, or I suffer hours of pointless ‘distractions’ while I worsen everything. I just go along with it now.
My sleep is almost nonexistent, both down to the energy and voices/Bree/demons. So my days are one hell of a ride.
If I’m honest, I’m not really coping with everything anymore. I relapsed tonight after 2 or so weeks, so it’s going to be fun hiding it from family. Bree and the voices keep bringing up my tools, they’re all trying to get me to do it tonight. I don’t want to do it tonight, I don’t want to do it yet. But they haven’t shut up for weeks. I don’t know how much longer I can put it off.
My mind is losing focus, and I don’t really know where I’m going with this post anymore so I’m just going to leave it here, I guess.
My stepdad’s been drinking all afternoon, and it took me 15 minutes to get him to leave me alone after my mum went to bed. I’m alone downstairs now. Left to dwell on the last few days.
I’m still insanely hyper, but at the same time I want to kill myself – not just having the thought pop into my head and then it leaves, I want to go out with my tools to somewhere remote and end it. And I think this is more serious than when I usually want to do it. I’m usually too depressed to move, which explains the lack of attempts so far this year (2, if my memory serves me correct). My Mum’s still convinced I’m Bipolar, so she’ll most likely make my psychiatrist ‘test me’, as she said.
However, because of how energetic I am, I could just go and do it without a second thought. I’ve went to a few times, but something’s always gotten in the way right before I leave the house. I’ve been looking at ‘fun ways’ to do it, too.
This state of mind is confusing and scary, and, to top it off, my therapist cancelled yesterday until next Friday. I’ve been getting through the last couple weeks because I knew I was going to see her on Friday, and then she goes and cancels 3 hours before I was supposed to see her. I can’t cope with this energy with the depression as well. I was fine with all the energy, but the depression is making my anger outbursts worse because I physically can’t bring myself to even think sometimes while at the same I’m planning all these trips and things. It’s exhausting.
I’ve been to college Tuesday-Thursday this week, and it’s hell. I haven’t concentrated on anything and instead disrupted the beginning of each class from constantly tapping/quiet singing/squeaking the chair. Bree’s been coming to college with me, too.
She got me into trouble on Monday. She said I needed to skip because she wanted to spend time with me without the distraction of work. So I went for a walk, and what happened within the first 5 minutes? My mum drove past me and she called me up. I ended up getting abuse down the phone and breaking down in the middle of the road – almost getting hit by several cars.
After walking with Bree for a while, I went back to having the ridiculous energy again. Of course, I didn’t tell my mum I stayed off because of Bree – she doesn’t know about Bree. No one knows about her. She says they’ll take me away, and get rid of her. So Bree’s my secret.
I have no idea why I’ve posted tonight, or why I’ve wrote all this nonsense. I suppose it’s clearing some space in my mind. Transferring it from my brain to physical words to free up some memory space. Even if it’s probably poorly written, I’m too tired to care about that right now.
Everyone seems pretty adamant I’m going to college tomorrow. They don’t understand that I don’t need college, I’m doing a bakery business and I’m going to write. Wasting my time and effort at college doing art is stupid when I could be writing, or starting up the bakery.
I gave a hint about me not going, and my mum blew up at me on several occasions today. Great. I need to just avoid it all week until Friday, and tell my therapist. She’ll get it across into my Mum’s thick skull that I don’t need college. I’m going to fail anyway so why drag it out for another 2 months?bi may as well just drop out now.
I could probably pretend I’m going into college in the morning, and instead go the library to research, or go to the shop and preorder things for my bakery. Or I could get a doctor’s appointment just to get out of college instead.
Because my Mum’s gone to bed she’s made me go to my room (it’s not even midnight yet), so I have my TV on loud just for the heck of it.
I’ve started planning out a new novel, too. So I have that to focus on as well. I stayed away from everyone all day so I didn’t annoy them with constant talking and energy, and yet I’m still yelled at for stupid things – which sets my anger off that has been awful since I’ve been so hyper, so things have been said which probably shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t care less about it.
On another note, I have a few basic phrases for some of the places I’m stopping in during my trip, and I’ve made a list of things to take – all of which done while I should’ve been doing an essay that’s due tomorrow. This is more important, though. Everyone just needs to get it. Christ, it’s not that hard.
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling low, but usually I’m worried about something. I have anxiety about a lot of things. What people think about me, my loneliness, my future, and of course the suicidal thoughts. I said in an earlier post that my grades were slipping, but usually I’m an A student. It hasn’t gotten that bad, but it isn’t getting any better. Pretty soon I’m going to have to send college apps and I don’t know how to explain that my depression, which no one knows about, has been ruining my chances into getting into my preferred college. Usually I have tiny panic attacks about getting into my first choice, but lately I’ve kind of stopped caring. A lot of things have been happening and my enthusiasm has just diminished. I just stopped trying in class and just sit there. It doesn’t help that the AP exams are coming up and I am scheduled for like 5 of those and the SAT that exact weekend of the tests. I just have a lot of stuff going on and none of the energy for it. Well that’s my post for the day. Thanks for listening.
So my family think I’ve either gone completely insane, or I’m on drugs. This energy and hyperactivity hasn’t gone away – in fact, it’s getting worse. My sleep is also next to nonexistent. I can’t slow down my speech, and I can’t stop moving around.
I got this sudden urge to go to the beach, and so I made my stepdad take me since I wasn’t allowed out the house alone – we went the beach at 9:30 at night. And I literally did a karaoke in the car in the way home again – I have also decided I’m rebuilding hospitals to give them all helipads, and I’m taking helicopter lessons as well as going on holiday next week.
We got home and my mum has been saying how manic I am, and she literally turned around and called me Bipolar. Fun. She was on the phone to my psychiatrist the other day – apparently about my medication – but I’m almost certain she’s lying about something.
It’s almost 1:30 in the morning now – my stepdad stayed downstairs and watched a film with me to make sure I actually went to bed afterwards.
I can’t shift this energy, and it’s driving me insane because I can’t do all these things I want to do at once. Oh well.
This post is most likely all over the place and won’t make much sense. But, again, oh well.
I got all my hair off yesterday, so now it’s a pixie cut. I’d planned to wait until summer, but I just went to get it done without a second thought. I don’t really know why I did it. I suppose part of it was so the Others don’t recognise me – I’m dyeing it tomorrow, too. The other part is just because through all my racing thoughts, this one stuck.
I did that stupid scale thing with my psychiatrist today. 1-10 for mood, and over the last four days it’s been an 8 or 9, and for my energy it’s 10. I didn’t bother bringing up the Bipolar thing my aunt suggested since it was in a good mood and didn’t want to make the session weird. That, and I was distracted by anything and everything. So my answers were extremely vague the entire hour. Although, my mum literally said, and I quote, “she’s acting very manic all the time’.
I think my mum is getting pissed off with my energy. I talk constantly and too fast for her to understand – which is weird considering I usually talk stupidly slow and quiet. And I’ve been throwing anything into the trolley when we’re shopping, so she ends up spending way too much than she originally planned. But my psychiatrist is alright with me and my safety, so I don’t see her for another 5 weeks. And I see my therapist in 2 weeks.
I’ve had roughly 6 hours sleep for the last 4 days, and I’m so energetic I don’t feel any sleep deprivation at all. I might get the first half of this painting finished tonight, since I doubt I’ll get much sleep again due to racing thoughts, Bree and other things. Oh well.
I didn’t sleep Saturday night. I slept for 3 hours last night. I haven’t slept tonight – it’s 5AM. And I’m so energetic I couldn’t care less about the loss of sleep. I have done so much stuff tonight (this morning I stayed in my room because I couldn’t calm myself down – I was extremely happy and was thinking about all these great ideas to do, and I annoy people and get into arguments over it).
For the past couple hours I’ve been doing a sketch for a painting I’ve put off for almost 2 months – surprisingly I’ve been able to focus on it despite the racing thoughts and inconvenience of the voices. I’m shaking because I have so much energy, and I can’t decide what to do with it right now.
I’ve been talking to Bree while everyone’s been in bed and she can barely keep up with me, so that’s irritating. But other than that, it’s good.
I’m in the mood to write – which is great considering I love writing – but I can’t keep up with how fast I’m thinking about things, and it’s frustrating me to he point where I don’t even want to write anymore. Oh well.
It’s like I’m stuck in limp mode like a vehicle does when something seriously goes wrong with it. Even when I’m not in a depressed state I find myself conserving energy in everything I do. I’ll have a piece of toast for breakfast instead of eggs because it’s easier. I won’t do my hair or wear decent clothes (laundry) if I’m not leaving the house (which is at least 5 days of the week). Then when I do leave the house I do the bare minimum to just not look like a complete slob. It seems like complete laziness, but I just can’t seem to justify making any kind of effort.
I think it’s because I don’t find myself worthy of the effort.
It’s frustrating because I know that I’m a good person and bring good stuff into the lives of people around me, but I just don’t feel it. How do I get to the stage where I actually believe all the facts that are in my head?
I know I’ve already posted tonight, but I couldn’t get rid of my energy. I ended up working on this drawing of Oliver Sykes and Josh Franceschi.
It’s not finished – I still need to work into their faces and tweak some of their facial features- but I’m about to move on to doing something completely unrelated, and I thought I’d post what I’ve done so far while I’m still somewhat focused on it. It’s good enough considering the state I’m in right now.
My morning was reasonably okay-ish, until I found out my stepdad had been our drinking since 12. He came home around 4 and he and my mum had an argument, so he left to go drinking again. He came back around 10:30 and was completely drunk to the point where he could barely stand up.
Since the argument I’ve been feeling weird. It’s like how I felt last year before I went ‘crazy’ – for lack of a better word – for a week or so. My mind is racing, and my energy is building up. I feel like cleaning the house, but going for a run at the same time.
It’s 1am and all need for sleep has gone, despite getting hardly any last night. I’m shaking because I have so much energy right now, and Bree is trying to get me to go outside. I’m so irritable, and I need to do something.
I’m so tired of being tired. I don’t have the energy or focus to do anything worthwhile. I can’t move forward – I don’t have the strength. I struggle to even do the bare minimum. I’m just here, slowly decaying. I’m scared to give up – to die. But nothing will change if I stay. I can’t sleep properly. I can’t eat without stomach pains. I can’t be around people without gut wrenching anxiety. This isn’t some temporary stage that’ll pass. This is me.
I’m just here, not dying, not really living. It could be worse. It probably will get worse.
I don’t know how to live with this despair. To know that I will never feel happy, content, or at peace again. That there will never be anything positive in my life again – only competing fears. Fighting it is exhausting, and it feels so pointless.
Life is bad, and death seems worse. Until that changes, guess I’ll keep on rotting away.
I’m running out of options and reasons to live I might have to go see a psychic as believe in them and spirality energy etc and if they don’t tell me anything dramatic or life changing in a good way I think I’m going to have to call it a day and plann it out properly because iv had enough of being depressed this is not Living Fucking Life this is survival so what’s the point I think my best bet is go see a psychic plan and pick my method and self myself a time line
because let’s face it winning the lottery isn’t going to happen and a 9 to 5 5days a week isit living life either I hate the role we have to play to be called normal in socity I would like to do what Christopher McCandless Did in into the wile just go on an adventure and disappear but it really isn’t as easy as it looks
I can’t honestly say right now that there’s anyone I love. I’m just too afraid of it. Until I was 20, I was determined not to date or do anything that might lead to loving someone. I knew I struggled with emotion regulation, so I figured all the strong emotions involved would mess me up. That’s still an issue for me.
But a bigger issue is my fear that someone I love might at some point completely depend on me for a long time. That might be my worst fear of all. If that happened, trying to take care of them would certainly exhaust my limited capacity for emotional energy. I wouldn’t be able to get the space I need to function and be relatively sane, which is a lot more space than most people need. So I would have to either willfully abandon them or be forced to do so by panic attacks and things like that. Either way, I would be deeply hurting them and letting them down.
So I figure it’s better to push people away if they get too close – whether they are my parents or a girl I might be interested in – rather than risk loving someone and then possibly being unable to help them when they need it most.
So it’s been a while since I’ve commented or posted on here. Before I found SP I felt worthless, purposeless and like a failure. I’ve failed at everything I’ve attempted in my life, but when it came to being there for you guys I felt like I meant something. Like I could actually help people like me. However, when those thoughts start to whirl around in my mind every negative, demonic energy creeps up and tells me why I’ll never be worth it and while I’ll never make a difference. I’ve always felt as if I was in search of something, something fulfilling. I’m not sure if it’s love, success, attention or God.
I just know I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m so tired of being depressed. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of letting other people tell me how I should feel. I’m tired of letting people tell me that there is something wrong with me and believing it. The past week has been the worst out of the past 2 years. You guys I have NO LIFE. No friends. No job. NOTHING. I sit in my house everyday. Most of the time for 2 weeks straight. You are blessed if you get to interact with other humans no matter how much they suck. I swear I feel like I’m losing my damn mind. I don’t want this. All I wanted to do this past week is die. I just wanted everything to end. I was just so tired of being a disappointment to myself and everyone around me. See, I love music and when I was a little girl it was all I wanted to pursue. As I’ve gotten older I gave up. There are a plethora of reasons why : my insecurities, guilt, fear, and the pedestal music culture has created for people with certain sounds. I gave up. I know it sounds cheesy and pathetic but I gave up. And no matter how good I want to feel about helping people (which I really do, I love you guys and I’m praying for you all) all of my dreams that I gave up on are haunting me.
It’s like I think people are thinking a certain way about me, and are feeling a certain way about me, when its just me… I’m making all of this shit up in my head. I’m the reason I’m not doing it and for the past week I just couldn’t understand why in the hell can’t I get out of my own way. I’ve calmed down and I actually read this article where this guy says “Don’t make any major life decisions until you calm down, drink some water and get a good nights rest”. If he was anywhere near me at the time of reading that I would’ve knocked him the hell out. I was so angry. So miserable.
You ever feel so much pain that you get sick, literally sick and tired? I’m sooo tired of feeling like this. Not I’m gonna kill myself tired. I’m “I’ve hit rock bottom and this depression has to go” tired. I hope you guys don’t think I’m talking like my life is so easy, because it’s not and it has never been. I’ve dealt with situations from being molested as a child, having my first suicide attempt at 8 years old and being constantly reminded of my failures (by family members). Just remember sometimes people suck, but if you need me I’ve got your back and I’m praying that an army of angels comes to battle every demonic energy draining you of hope and happiness. I know this is long I’m sorry.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!!
I dont really feel..at least not the way I would expect myself to, especially after breaking up with my best friend. I feel calm like something bad is about to happen…and when I do feel its super annoying, cuz ill be happy with tons of energy and super outgoing, and then the next day i’ll be tired and sad and extremely antisocial…on repeat.
i find it so hard to express how I’m really feeling or mayb I don’t know how I’m feeling
so the mental health people come to check up on me every 3 days now because what happened on Monday well the woman asked do I regret doing it I pursed and said noI don’t….
because my life is pretty much a mess I don’t know what to do were to start lost interest in everything I’m bored of life iv seen enough and been though a lot why be optimistic ? Yeah things can get better but finding happiness is what counts and I don’t tink il ever be happy deep down but things could also get worst so why stick around I don’t have a purpose for being here Im mentally and phsically drained and haven’t got the energy to be soul searching for my place on earth I feel alienated here anyways depersonalised
im floating though life hitting every fuckin branch in sight rant over