Is it really that bad if I kill myself because I’m too tired to live anymore? I’m thinking of setting a date. Now to push everyone away.
I never asked to be born
I never asked to look like this
I never asked to have this low intelligence
I never asked if I wanted to feel pain
I just got it…
Then everyone says it’s a “gift.” They say, “make the best of it. you only get one.” I feel like it’s more of a curse. I feel happy, then I feel sad. It is unpredictable what I will feel. Humans are errors.
My grandma has been living here because of certain circumstances, but she keeps inviting over my little bad ass cousin and she disrupts the entire house! My grandma even told her it was all right for her to stay today and she missed school. For what? Just to go around and get on everyone’s nerves in the house? The girl does NOT listen at all. She’s a bad apple. Period. The girl finally left today and I heard her tell my grandma “See you next week” so I blew the fuck up at my grandmother because this is NOT just her house.
It’s so inconsiderate to keep having that girl over here when she has no discipline and drives everyone crazy. My granny yells back at me “Who the fuck are you talking to? What are you going to do, leave?” I’m yelling at YOU ***** BECAUSE YOU’RE LETTING THAT LITTLE **** KEEP COMING OVER HERE AND GETTING ON MY NERVES! Respect your elders my ass. Fucking respect other people. Like I said, if this was only her house, it would be different.
I must sound like a monster, but seriously I’m fed up and I don’t care if I pissed her off. I need to move. I can’t take this environment. I just can’t.
I wish someone loved me unconditionally. It seems that everyone loves someone and someone loves them, yet no one loves me, maybe I’m not worth loving.
Everything is my fault it seems , I can’t be happy for more than a two hours , I’m giving up , I push everyone away so they won’t get hurt when I’m gone , and maybe by making people hate me it won’t be so hard . I’m giving up and I’m counting down the days . I can’t wait to be free from everything I can’t wait to be somewhere where I can be happy . I have given up and I have set my mind . I hope I can help others I hope one day people won’t be so sad that they turn to killing themselves I hope one day people stop bullying others for things they can’t control . I’m ending this here , goodbye for now
I can’t take this emotional spiral I feel like everyone is against me No one really cares I’ve been home for 6 day from residential I’m so done with this rollercoaster I’m getting off I’m gonna cut my brachial artery (the place you get blood drawn opposite of elbow,any tips or advice plz comment
Sorry to worry u guys iv been trying to keep busy thank u for caring I appreciate it very much u can contact me on my email if u want to chat if u need support I can try my best
iv been thinking of u guys
I can’t remember everyone name
Any there many others hope your all ok thinking of u guy been trying to give life a shot if not there always the exist plan how r u guys hope everyone ok
This isn’t a very important question, I’m just wondering, how old are you guys? I’m 15 and a sophomore in high school, I’ll be 16 on June 25
this world is not for everyone
In fact, everything in this world is not meant for everyone
Some people is not meant to be in this cruel cruel world and most of the time, that someone knows it. They know that this is not where they belong. they know that there are other places for them. The place they can be themselves without getting reject or being judge.
There are two decisions for these people:
- To keep going, keep fighting to stay in this world. To continue.
- To go seek for other places where they are truly belong.
At the end of the day, it’s that person’s choice to choose.
are you these people? have you chosen a choice yet? are you sure about it?
I am one person who are still trying to figure out which direction I am going to choose.
So after suffering for over a decade of loneliness, I’ve decided today is the day I will kill myself. No one knows the pain I am in because nobody cares to know me. People only know fragments of who I am, and when I open up, it only scares them away. I am 32 years old I haven’t had a girlfriend since my early 20s and I am a fairly successful individual. I have a master’s degree and make $100,000 year. I don’t tell you this to brag, but to demonstrate that this disease affects everyone. I have served in the military for over 8 years with 2 deployments. The military was good to me, but it is a lonely career as an officer. All of my peers are married and have kids. The only single people in the military are enlisted and it is a legal violation to fraternize with them so I end up alone constantly.
So how close am I to committing suicide? Well I finally bought the gun today and the ammunition. The gun is right next to me and has 1 round loaded, all I need to get the job done. I had a nervous breakdown at work yesterday and left halfway through the day because I couldn’t stop crying, just like I am crying right now. I called in sick today and received a few texts from co-workers wondering where I am…if they only knew how unhappy I’ve been for my entire adult life. All the people who used to tell me things will get better lied. It doesn’t get better, it only gets harder because no one cares even when you try to care, all they do is use your willingness to care against you and take advantage of you until you have nothing left to give.
I’m surrounded by tissues as I contemplate when I’ll actually pull the trigger. I have packed a bag to travel. I think I’ll just drive somewhere until I run out of fuel and walk into an empty field or forest and do it there. It’s a beautiful day outside, but I don’t even know how to enjoy my last hours on this earth. The thoughts just keep running through my mind. No one will even know I’m gone at least until Monday. I’ll be AWOL and maybe they’ll send someone to my apartment to find my note, but by then it will be too late.
People who are truly suicidal know how to hide the warning signs. I’ve hid them from everyone for years. I almost convinced myself that I could overcome the thoughts of suicide, but the mind is too strong. There’s only one logical end to my life without anymore suffering. I’ve given it everything I had, but now I’m just too weak to go on. I can’t fake it anymore and I’d rather die than live life knowing everyone would only pity me and not realize that the only way to help me is just to be there as a true friend. I need a best friend, but it’s impossible to find when you’re an adult. Everyone that’s married already has their best friend. There are no best friends left for me. I doomed to a life of loneliness, suffering, and pity if I expose my thoughts to the world. Or I can just end it now. Sorry for ranting. My mind is splintering in a million different directions and my emotions are overwhelming me.
My mum found out about my relapse today, and has been demanding since this afternoon for me to tell her why I did it. No matter how many times I told her talking about it with her makes me uncomfortable and I literally can’t tell her, she’s still insistent I do.
So I’ve wrote it out in bullet points for her in the morning – and just for the heck of it I referred to myself in third person. It’s not really helpful, but it’s all she’s getting. I had to come home early from college today. I told my mum I probably would because I said this morning I was ill – due to the circumstances with my Nan, she didn’t complain.
It wasn’t because I was ill, I just can’t concentrate long enough to form a sentence to write down when I’m in college. It’s like the voices want me to fail and so deliberately make themselves worse. Or it could just be my imagination making me think it’s worse, when it’s really the same. I don’t know.
Bree has been constant today, again. It’s getting ridiculous now. No one is asking about her, when she’s clearly rude all day about quite a lot of my classmates. They’re all so ignorant – so is my family. She’s always at my house and does anyone speak to her? No. She says my mum or stepdad let her in, but after that they don’t talk to her. Great.
Speaking of family, everyone keeps bringing up the news from yesterday about my Nan which isn’t fun considering it’s entirely my fault and no one knows. I feel guilty enough as it is without everyone trying to comfort me when I get upset over it.
Well, very average at best. I long ago accepted my ugliness and depression but just recently after many years they’ve started to bother me again, making me more suicidal. Why? I already came to terms with it. Seems life just wants me to carry on suffering and beating myself up about it. Looks are everything to people nowadays and everyone knows it. They are the passport to a much easier life and happiness.
Bree hasn’t left me alone all day. Neither have the voices. They’ve all been taunting me, knowing what was happening today. My Nan had a hospital appointment. She’d been getting pains in her back. Turns out, her terminal cancer has spread to her spine now. And it’s all my fault.
They warned me. The voices warned me, the Angels warned me. Bree warned me. They said they would make my family suffer if I didn’t do what they said. Now they’ve done this. This is all my fault. And everything will only get worse if I don’t listen to them.
I told everyone it would be bad if I ignored them, I told them all things would happen. They tried to convince me otherwise. Everyone said to just ‘distract’ myself – not that it’s possible to distract yourself from constant voices and an entire person 24/7. Now look how that worked out.
I’ve been living like I’m dying for awhile now. Ready to take the plunge any day. It’s depressing but so relaxing. No fuss, no planning for the future, no caring what people think. Temporary.
I’ve been offered a nursing job. Going to be staying alive and seeing how it goes. No use in ruining everyone else’s lives right now.
It’s stupid, but I had just gotten used to being a walking corpse. A sick part of me is a little disappointed.
I don’t want to try and fight this shit anymore. Its funny because this thought never goes away. It lessens. Well today its a little stronger than normal. Its been building. Festering probably going to morph into an alternative better version of me. The sad thing is that I doubt anyone would be able to tell the difference. They would like “her” more. I’m being consumed by my own demons. I gave up on trying to fight them long ago. I’m fucked for however long I live. I’m stuck living, failed at taking my life and a whole bunch of other shit. I can’t even have a normal day where I don’t either hate myself and want to claw every organ out of my body or wish that everyone else would die. So you see my mind is a very complex place to be. Not to make living worst for me, oh Satan forbid it gets any better but what would you do if your territory, If your home got invaded for good? That you signed up for one thing and ended up with something else? See its human nature to either adapt and change or to whine about it. I did both but there is only so much changing that one could do. There is only so much that someone can take before they snap. I’m close to that breaking point. I’ve been keeping it controlled for as long as possible but alas it was all in vain. My second home, my sanctuary has and is being contaminated as I’m typing this. I don’t get any say. There is no longer a Nirvana. If there is one, I find it amonst strangers for briefs amount of time. Just someone to talk to without me having to feel like the burden that everyone likes to point out to me as if I already didn’t know. But hey its cool. I mean if I died right now who would honestly give a shit? Not a fucking one. I mean sure you have your pretenders who talk shit behind your back but hang out with you and are nice to your face? Yep, that’s how everyone is towards me I think. Well I’ll keep you guys posted on my lame life rants. Into Oblivion I go.
I hope this to be my last post ever on this website. For me, things did not get better. I know now that they will not get better. Anytime something good ever happens to me, it gets taken away from me. It is always a matter of time before something knocks my happiness off course. I hope tomorrow I can end my life. I pray for it. My parents will be working and it my perfect chance to end it all. Maybe sometime this week. Even though things did not get better for me, it may get better for whomever is reading this. Stay strong. Keep fighting. Love yourself because you are all you have in this world. Hopefully this is goodbye to everyone forever.
I remember back in 2nd grade me and this other girl used to get teased by saying we liked each other. I don’t even know how it started we weren’t even in the same grade and I don’t think I knew about her until the teasing started lol. This carried on throughout the year, and somewhere during that time I actually started having a crush on her.
I specifically remember a moment where school ended and everyone was waiting in the gym to get picked up and my friends pushed me towards her as her friends pushed her towards me. I was so embarrassed but luckily my brother came to pick me up at that exact time so I dodged as quick as I could. The next day we got really embarrassed when we saw each other lol.
The school was closing right after the school year ended due to bankruptcy (small private school) and at the last day everyone was outside and the teachers had planned for all the students to sign each others shirts and the girl asked me to sign her shirt, and instinctively I bolted LOL, she then chased me down and eventually we both collapsed and started laughing. I signed her shirt and she signed mine and I remember being so god damn happy. (Never seen her again since lmao)
I miss those days, where the smallest things were the only thing I had to deal with , good or bad.
I didn’t worry about my future or my family , only thing I worried about is if the girl I liked noticed me.
I never had clue my life would turn into this.
I know I will never come close to the way I felt that day ever again.
And to be honest I don’t care if I don’t, I’m content with my decision to leave without finding out.
But damn I feel it would’ve been so nice if I didn’t end up like this.
Nothing is simple anymore.
I wonder where she is now, I hope not anywhere close to how I am now.
From what was essentially a pretty good week, not including a slight double up of meds, things have really taken a downhill slide today. Woke up thinking about feeling very dark and very quickly progressed into fantasizing about the big leap. Had to catch a train to get dosed at my clinic and was picturing myself kissing the train. Now im home and its still there. Worse than ever. I know it has alot to do with been alone today but I dont want to be near anyone. That would just remind me of my difference to everyone around me. So im blurting this out in the only place I feel safe enough to say it in the hope that it goes away.
Hope everyone is safe.
I know you guys have been listening to my bullshit about my ex for quite some time. I finally made a huge step in parting ways with him. I guess I have had enough… enough wanting him… enough trying to be his friend…
We just need to be done with each other.
I can’t even put into words how hard this is/was….
Thank you to everyone here that gave me advice and would listen to my rants.
Call it aftermath shes turing blue
Such a lovely colour for you
Call it aftermath shes turning blue
Such a lovely colour for your eyes
Call it aftermath shes turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you.
Woke up with this song in my head. Was playing the album last night but fell asleep at the first song. Subliminal listening. Cool.
Have a good day everyone.