every time a relationship starts to deepen, my brain starts to protest and makes me feel pain I can’t understand. But I think tonight, I finally understand where all this pain stems from. My excuses for running away from someone I like are “they don’t really like me in that way” or “I am not good enough for them”. If I look back to my childhood, I realize that my mom gave me mixed signals about love. I was loved if I was obedient, and I was given the cold shoulder if I disobeyed. I was not taught how to love or what real love was. I was taught that to get feelings of safety and warmth, I had to obey; I had to be a certain way; I had to do certain things; I had to suppress certain feelings, certain words inside of me lest my mom disapproved of me. My mom’s love has always been conditional. Her love was not really love, it was approval. Even at 26, I am still trying to define what “real love” is. I konw what real love is not, but I don’t know what real love is. Or maybe I am just too afraid to find out. Either way, I run away and I avoid feelings…. and everyday I understand more and more why.
The panic has started to set in again as my mum has repeatedly mentioned that I have to go back to college tomorrow.
Despite threatening to not even go into the building, she’s still insistent that I go. She warned me about if my personal tutor rings her again if I’m not in. I can’t go in. The Others are still there. They’re in my class, and I’ll die if I go in. I’ve ran out of excuses to stay off.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks this weekend just thinking about going in. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to get out of leaving the house altogether. I’m not safe anywhere anymore.
Faced some harsh truths this weekend. I’m probably just as, if not more heartless than I perceive those around me. The deep angry hatred for everything is growing. I’m conflicted. How can I be so full of hate and be so empty?
I’ve committed some unspeakable atrocity. In the name of self righteous vengeance. The sad reality, I’m not capable of hating anyone more than I hate myself.
My, wife, surely abuses me. But I guess I deserve it. I’m a terrible person. I’ve done and do despicable things. I have nothing good to give anyone.
I tried to kill myself long before her. I will again whether we separate or not. I guess that’s the hard part prolonging the inevitable with pathetic excuses. Eventually they’ll expire, as will I .
Love, is just an excuse to accept abuse.
When the tides of life sweep you up like a tsunami no matter how good the ship is you either abandon it or drown but that is a joke because they are one in the same. I tried I really did but this year I am going to kill myself. I feel 5 years past due with the first attempt being at 15 now at 20 I am still plagued by all of my past grievances plus adult issues and I realize it’s a never ending shit show. When you go day by day making up excuses to live you just kinda start to wonder what is all the fuss about? Procreation? I’d never forgive myself if I forced another soul into this world. I wish my mother had some consideration and swallowed me.
This time of the year is literally so hard. It is hard for me to concentrate. I hate making excuses for myself but I just try to close up this time of year. Daddy has been gone for three years now and it doesn’t get any easier. I miss him so much. There are so many anniversaries this time of year. Nov. 29th, 2012, the day I had to call the cops on my own mother because she tried to fight me in the street. Nov. 30th, 2012, the day my daddy died in my arms. Dec. 8th, 2012, the day I planned, all by myself, to remember my dad. I went back to my church for the first time. Dec. 12th, 2012, my first day back to school and the night I tried to kill myself. The night I put myself in the hospital for twelve days. This makes Christmas Eve so hard because that was the day I got out. I had to readjust to life. I had to know that people looked at me differently. I’m the “disappointment” the “emo kid that tried to kill herself” when in all reality I was just a grieving daddy’s girl who missed her father. I still wish I could die sometimes. I’m in college now and it’s one of the hardest things ever. There is nothing familiar here. I am so secluded. I’m failing most of my classes. I have my last final in forty minutes and I just can’t study. I can’t concentrate. I’m suffering on the inside. I just want to go home to my daddy and him hug me and tell me its all going to be okay. I love him so much…someday this will all be over..
I don’t really think that people are going to read this post, but I just want to get things off my chest so…
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my crush, so there’s a lot of things that I keep inside. One of my best friends knows I have a crush on her, but I just feel too embaressed to talk to her about it. Because you know, the things is (as you might already know), my crush is my former history teacher. She was my teacher last schoolyear, and I fell for her pretty quicke. I’m also a girl, but I already knew that I’m both attracted to boys and girls since I once fell for a 21 year old girl.
So she became my teacher for history class and my whole class thought she was great. Her first impression was just great and she never lost her spark. You could see that she loved teaching a lot and that was one of the first things I loved about her. She is about my height (5″7′) and we both have dark brown hair. She has green eyes and I love that eye colour. So we kinda look a like and I started seeing her as how I want to be when I’m older. She never wears make-up, except for mascara and I never wear no make-up at all so I thought that was great. I don’t wear earrings (I do have a helix piercing in my ear) and you could see that she stopped wearing them too. So you can understand that I found a part of myself in her. There’s only one difference in the way we look, and that is that I always wear my hair loose, but she never does that. She has a couple of ways she ties up her hair, but she never wears it loose and I’m so curious about what’s the reason behind that. She has beautiful hair and I wish to see her wear it loose one day. She has a really cute smile, because she has a small mouth with slim lips. But whenever she would laugh, you could see her teeth and I love that. She wears clothes that really represent her style, so I like that. I also really like her ears, because you could see the little blood vessels and that made me realize that she’s also human. I like her body. She’s not perfectly slim and that fits her really good. Basically: I like everything about her, but these were just her looks 🙂
Her personnality is so loveable! She has these statements that crack everyone up. The most famous one is an English one: “Keep your beak”, she basically translated the Dutch meaning of “Shut up” in English and when you say “Keep your beak!” to my friends they know exactly what you’re talking about. She also has ‘the looks’ that she gave us. It’s really funny yet really hard to describe, but she would just look at us in a really funny way but with a serious face. And the best part is, she did them on purpose. One time one of my friends teased her with the fact that our schoolday was over, yet she still had quite some hours of work left, and when he mentioned this to her, she slowely rose up a middle finger with a sweet grinning face behind it and it was so funny and cute. She gave the best history classes ever and one day when she was feeling ill, she gave us a so called “Yeay-class” which meant that we could do whatever we wanted to and so we just talked with her the entire 50 minutes. One day we went on an excursion to Amsterdam with her and that was one of the best days of my life. I walked next to her through the streets, she sat close to us during the busdrive and I also talked to her.
She is really sweet and funny but also really smart. I also think she’s hot, but yeah that’s me having a crush on her I guess because I don’t really know what ‘hot’ in general is.
I wish I remembered the day I first met her. I do remember the first time she said my name after she forgot and after that she would say my name whenever I walked in the classroom, so that was fun. I only remember falling more for her every day, but I don’t remember the first time I thought “Wait… Am I developing a crush?” and I wish I did.
I remember how I would make her laugh quite a lot and how happy that would make me. I would talk A LOT to her and use excuses such as comming up with questions you already know the answer to just so you can talk to her. History was my second best class, not just because I’m good at it, but also because I studied extra hard so she would notice me and/or be impressed. I never got an A but I don’t care, because whenever I would get a 9 out of 10 she would draw a balloon or a smiley on my paper. (And yes, I still have those in my room)
I remember asking her when her birthday is and when she said it’s on the 16th of July she added that she would turn 24 this year. One of my friends heard her say that and yelled “Hell no! There’s no way that you’re 24!” and we were all like “Omg shut up, what if it’s true!” and after a few weeks of believing her, I asked her about it and she said “No, haha, I was just kidding. I’m 33” so everything made sense again lol.
She is married to a guy named Paul and I often find myself picturing her dancing in a wedding dress. I would love, love, love to see her wedding pictures!
At our school we have these parties around Christmas that we always go to and it’s a dress-code to wear dresses and tuxedos, and so me and my friends did. (We have a lot of guy friends and seeing them in tuxedos is sooo cute). But it turned out that my history teacher was one of the teachers that had to keep an eye on us! And my hair was a mess!! I felt so incredibly insecure and all of my friends went to talk to her but I didn’t join them because I was so insecure about my hair. I did see her though but I don’t freaking remember how she looked that night! The only thing I do remember was that she was wearing a black dress and again, didn’t have her hair loose. But I so wish to have a dream one night where I can see her the way she looked at the party. I wish I knew.
I really, really, REALLY like her as you can see. But I know I don’t love her. I’ve never been in love with someone but I know I’m not in love now, and that’s okay because I’m only 15 years old. But if you would ask me to say how big my crush for her is on a scale from 1 to 10 I would definetely say it’s a 10, and that’s a 100% honest answer. Anyway, if you did actually read all of this or part of it, I thank you for your time and attention. Thanks.
I was going to write once I got back from work but my mom decided to make it a movie night since I wasn’t feeling so good.
So on my way to work I was feeling really sick. I was feeling really lightheaded, nauseous, and at the same time my blood pressure was really high. For a minute I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to have a heart attack and to be honest, I wouldn’t have minded if I did. When I got to work I didn’t know if I really wanted to spend the entire day feeling like this so I told my mom about how I was feeling. She just told me to drink water and go. That we need the money, so I needed to stop making excuses.
As soon as my boss saw me he knew there was something wrong with me. Amazingly he was thoughtful about how I was feeling and let me leave early. Fortunately no harassment happened yesterday, thank goodness.
Once my mom picked me up from work, she kept asking my symptoms and she decided that I might be dehydrated, since it’s been so hot lately. So we went to the supermarket near our house and bought lots of Gatorade, and then she asked if I wanted to see a movie so we bought some chips and dips and rented Insurgent.
I think that stopping taking my medicine so abruptly might of caused all of this so I should probably start by lowering the dose …