I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. I’ve had barely any sleep this past week. It’s getting bad again. I’ve slept 2 nights (Monday and Wednesday , I think) for about 4/5 hours each night, and the hours weren’t consistent. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, with falling back asleep awful. But despite this sleep deprivation, I need to stay awake. I need to watch in the night for them. They’re in my room constantly. Watching me. I need to stay awake so they don’t get me. The only time I can sleep is when they’re not there – which is obviously rare due to my lack of sleep. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t even stand up for too long without going dizzy. The only thing keeping me awake is my fear. Everything hurts and aches, and my paranoia is worse. I’m at my weakest, and it’s the perfect time for the Others to get me. No doubt they know it. They’re going to get me. So are the demons.
I forgot that I used to post here. Last few things I posted are about 5 years old. Same things I’ve been saying all this time.
I keep considering suspension hanging — hanging myself off of the doorknob with my belt.
Would sleeping pills work? How many should I take?
Class started again today . We went in the clinic to learn X-rays . I literally cannot stand the people there .I usually just work alone . I work best that way anyways.
It’s so hard to think in class when I can only think about how tired I am . I can barley keep my eyes open. I sleep so much so I dont understand why I can’t be awake . This has such an impact on me . I feel like I have the capability to do nothing .
I like to sleep . I imagine that’s what death is like . Black . And it seems so peaceful .
i feel like I have had the life sucked out of me .
I pulled the emergency break on my downward slide. I decided that putting up a decent fight is the least I owe my sons. If things don’t get better, suicide is always there as an option later. So I saw a doctor this morning, and she straight away organised admission to a psychiatric facility for me – and that’s where I’m now. Just unpacked my bag. I am lucky that I have private health insurance, and can use the private mental health system, and as a voluntary patient I’m not locked up. Still, I’m numb and exhausted and just relieved that I will have a complete break from all the shit at work, and that those endless thoughts in my head – I will kill myself – I won’t kill myself – endlessly fighting for which thought will win, can rest. Sort of handed over responsibility for that to the nursing staff.
Hugs alround to those who need one.
As the days go by, I only feel myself desiring to kill myself more and more. I loathe more, I argue more, I withdraw more. When things go wrong, its the only thought I have. When things go right, I remind myself that it wont last. I hate feeling like no matter what improvements I make, I’m still put down, I’m still living off others, I’m still worthless. When I try, I just find myself exhausted. All that ever brings me relief is to sleep and I think that’s only because its the closest thing I can do to death without actually killing myself. I have asked for help and I can’t seem to get it. Therapy has never aided me, I’ve only found myself angrier and more upset. My finances are way more than I can bear and I have no support system. I’ve made it a thing to push everyone out of my life. What am I to do?
I’m sitting here in the living room, next to my mom and listening to her struggle to breathe. She has ALS, and for those who do not know, it is always fatal. Always. In the end, people who have it usually have to be on a respirator if they want to live. She won’t do it. So she just sits here and can’t breathe.
I can’t take any fucking more of this. I know damn good and well she will not be here next year at this time. At the rate she is going, she will likely not make it to xmas.
I am broken, aching, exhausted beyond words – beyond what I knew was possible. I want to drink myself into a coma. I want to smoke so much weed I don’t know what planet I’m on. I want to hang myself. I can’t help her. I can’t help me. I can’t do One. Single. Fucking. Thing.
I want to die, because I can’t imagine this world without her in it.
I’m sure I’ve written many variations of this here before, but what the hell.
I’m a failure, as a human being. By pretty much any standard you can think of. That’s not going to change. There’s no future version of me that doesn’t feel alone, anxious and exhausted all the time. That can be happy and relaxed around others.
I can’t change the past. I can’t control the way I feel. I can’t really change the world we live in. These things are not mine to decide.
And yet here I am, still alive. For the foreseeable future. So, what do I want to do with this undeserved abundance of vitality?
Nothing feels good. No goal seems worthwhile. Even suicide. I’m stuck in this no man’s land, where all is grey insignificance.
The world keeps spinning. We westerners go on living our happy privileged lives. Everyone else keeps on striving so that they (or their children) can someday have the same.
And I’m just…..here. I’m an absence. A void. A negation of the human spirit. Nothing seems good anymore. In truth it hasn’t for many years. I’ve just become tired of pretending.
I’m now at rock bottom and admit defeat!
My friend thinks I have post natal depression on top of bi polar and anxiety.
i can’t look after my babies properly, I’m exhausted from them both being up all night. I’m home alone all day with them, with 4 kids my house is a mess, dishes need washing, laundry need sorting but I can’t leave the babies as one climbs lots and the other screams. I’m lonely as my friends have older children and are studying or working, I fail as a mum , I’m really struggling and just don’t want to be here! Seriously what kinda mum am I ? Failing my kids 🙁
The guy I like asked me to be his.
I said yes.
I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into though.
What if hes like most other guys? If he doesn’t really like me and just wants a fling?
Ill just end up hurt in the end, but for now hes making me smile even when I’m in the worst of moods.
I was with him yesterday. I saw scars on his arms. I wasn’t going to mention it to him, that would be insensitive of me, but maybe if he sees my scars he will understand? I’m not openly going to show him though, I don’t know if I can trust him with that yet. I don’t know if I can trust anyone with that.
Hes the first person I haven’t pushed away, because hes the first person I’ve wanted to stay.
As for school, that’s getting harder too.
I only have a few months left, but that means there’s only a few months until my exams and I’m not taking any of it in. I’m exhausted and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m going to end up just like the rest of my family.
Things would be so much easier if I wasn’t so sad. I just wish I could open up to people easily, I wish people would accept me if I were to open up, but they wont, so I wont either.
my thoughts are exhausting me and I don’t have the strength to function properly to get through this day. But I can’t skip this day either, I have an important dance showing I have to attend and I have to figure out how to get up enough courage to fake that I’m okay during the time I have to be around people. I’m already skipping two classes right now, and I had to leave half way through my dance class this morning because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to dance. I failed my Dance History exam and I’m starting to get really discouraged again, that I can’t survive collage because I’m overwhelmed and have taken on more than I can handle. 18 credits, four group projects, work, rehearsals, extra rehearsals, homework, senior project, skip having time for proper hygiene. I just cant handle that, plus depression and no one to talk to without feeling like I’m going to exhaust them too, and hate me for it.
i wake up but I never truly wake up.
What at I mean is that my eyes open and my mind is awake to the idea of knowing it’s a new day and I need to get up. But my body is physically drained. My mentality is dead. My heart is tired and my motivation to get through another day is just nowhere to be found.
I am just so exhausted.
I have a job which I love but the motivation to get up is just…. I can’t. I hate it. My feet drag, my eyes water, I’m so tired, always. And it’s not a lack of sleep or over sleeping. My being has just been worn down to the core in every aspect of life.
When im happy I give and give and expect nothing in return. When I’m angry and hurt, my soul, heart and mind are in constant motion of battle trying to decide if I should fuel the fire or try and be happy again. it all builds up
and I’m so tired of feeling this way
i just want to rest
Even though my relatives have known for years that I have Major Depression they still behave in abusive ways. Yesterday I was stressed and feeling extreme anxiety. My mother came home yesterday from work screaming and throwing a tantrum. I have to live with her for now because I have a heart condition. I was so upset I was shaking. Later I felt really sick and couldn’t breathe. I thought I might be having a heart attack. She just stood there in the kitchen staring at me like she was waiting for me to die. I had to call 911 myself. It turns out I was having the most intense panic attack of my life. I’m here in the hospital exhausted and sweaty. I am still stunned she was going to stand there and watch me die!
I’m so fucking sick of this shit…every fucking day is filled with bullshit…my once saintly patience and ‘don’t sweat the small stuff attitude are long gone…ground down to nothing with having to deal with shitheads…spineless pieces of shit…petty fucking assholes and fucking idiots all day long everyday for what seems like an eternity. I would blow my head off now if it wasn’t for my daughter…2.5 years old…the thought of her being raised by her fucking stubborn-ass mother and her fucking retarded white trash family makes my skin crawl…everything I do is criticized and every imperfection magnified 100x…I am at the end of my rope…I am exhausted and do not have the strength any more.
There are days i just can’t forget the pain.
I get angry during the day when I’m around others. Mostly about being forced to live this life i never asked for or wanted.
Others just see me as a cranky mean *****. If only they knew.
Then i go home and cry until there are no more tears. It lasts for hours, I’m exhausted and fall asleep.
“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”
? Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees
“Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.”
? Ned Vizzini,
“I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
? Elizabeth Wurtzel
“I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I’m afraid I’ll stutter.”
? Ned Vizzini,
I just don’t know what I have and I wished I never had visited that doctor. She said that I had “too much anxiety for normal situations”. I had social anxiety and she couldn’t even say that name to my face. Then at home I searched about it because I didn’t trust her and I found out that possibly I had depression too, and now I can have BPD too. And at this point and just don’t know if what I feel is truly real or maybe I get all the diseases I read about. I don’t know what is real and what is not. Maybe I truly have it, maybe I just want attention, or maybe I am just crazy and a monster. I just want to go back to that time that things were nameless and I was all day alone locked in bedroom without seeing anybody and living in my fantasy world.
I feel so exhausted and I just don’t know who am I. I am sick of my attitudes and I am sick of this rollercoaster.
Last night I lose control again and I tried to make a knot in my neck with cloth (didn’t work because I made it wrong -.- ) and I think that next time I lose control again I will just hang myself without telling anybody. I just want to wake up from this nightmare or sleep from this life. It is all about the view point.
Here is the link to my recent post:
My head is much calmer now. Yesterday (Sunday for me) was the culmination of a week of total hell. I really felt like I was loosing my mind.
Many of you know I am a person of faith and that the propaganda of the fundamentalist tradition I was raised in, often plays havoc with my psyche. I now worship in a very inclusive and nonjudgmental faith tradition. As I have asked in the past, please do not disrespect me regarding this. I would NEVER do that to you.
So what happened yesterday? First of all, I had to deliver the homily (sermon), which I based on the Rule of St. Benedict and his teachings on perseverance and stability (a Benedictine vow), even when its hard, yet still knowing when it’s time to cut your losses and move on (as opposed to quitting or running away). I would say that’s a rather unique sermon for someone who is determined to end his own life. Wouldn’t you?
Somehow I got through it and received accolades from the congregation along with a few requests for copies of the text. I came home exhausted, and slept from 1pm until 8pm. When I woke up, I no longer felt the insanity gripping my brain. I was not crying or weeping as I had been all week long.
So here’s my take: There is a difference between religion and faith, even if “faith” is practiced with a group of like minded believers. I am aware, PAINFULLY aware, that “religion” can and does inflict great damage on people. I’ve been there.
How do I reconcile my desire to die with what my faith teaches? Well first of all, I am admonished to respect the dignity of all people, and willingly accept this teaching. I try to do my best to always do this. I believe my Creator understands that some of us just wear out sooner or under conditions we cannot hope to control. Therefore, when we reach the point of being able to comprehend and embrace the difference between running away and cutting one’s losses (resulting in choosing to die) there is no judgment or punishment inflicted on the spirit or soul of one who takes their own life. In any case, I do not believe in hell.
I held both of my parents as they passed from this life to the next. I remember saying to both of them in their final hours: It’s OK. Let go. You can go now. It’s OK.
When the time comes for me to pass, I can only hope God will be speaking to me, saying those same words. And God will not care if the method of my passing came at my hands or some other way. I believe God will be the one saying this to me because there will be no one in my life to say the words. I’ll just be cutting my loses and moving on.
The loneliness is still here, it’s been a constant companion for decades. At least we understand each other. There is not one single day that passes that I do not think of dying/suicide or wishing to be released from this life.
But I can’t go just yet. I still have that paperwork to finish and file. Nothing ever changes…….Sigh
But to those of you who were so kind and gentle (Salt, Randall, Whisper and Holden), please know you helped me to breathe through the last few days.
Day after day things are getting worse. I am exhausted, sick of tiring and always getting worse, sick of screwing everything with my best friend, sick of arguing with my family, sick of my mood swings, sick of me, literary. I started to cut myself, not making blood, but day after day I put more pressure on the blade. I already tried to kill myself before but I had not the courage to finish it. My best friend is starting to get affect by my depression and this story. I am going to be alone all the next week, so the question is: should I try once more to finish the story? I think yes … I already said goodbye to my friend without being suspicious.
I’ve always dealt with suicidal thoughts but over the last month or so they have become omnipresent and overwhelming. I’ve come very close to jumping off a bridge or hanging myself a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, emboldened by alcohol, but I get so fucking chicken shit I haven’t been able to bring it off. I feel like I need to do this but I’m just so afraid of suffering EVEN MORE. I’m afraid of the same thing that is appealing about it all to me…the FINALITY of it. I’m so exhausted by living like this. I wish I could work up the nerve to end it.