”Only optimists commit suicide, optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?”
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
i wish harry potter was real really exist , i wish fantastic beasts were real really exist , i wish magic was real really exist , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
because reality is boring , mundane , and limiting limited
because real world is boring , mundane , and limited limiting
because real life is boring , mundane , & limited limiting !
reality is all about MONEY !
real-life is all about Money !
real-world is all about Money !
Life is boring , mundane ,
movies is better than reality real life real world !
novels is better than reality real-life real-world !
comics is better than real world real life reality !
video games is better than real-world real-life reality !
MMORPG is better than real life real world reality !
manga is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime is better than reality reallife realworld !
Why human’s IMAGINATION is better than reality ??? …
here in our everyday ‘s reality , Life is all about MONEY !
and people are stupid , shallow , superficial , people are lacking imaginations , people are boring , dull , mundane !
(PS : i wish lucid dream is real lucid dreaming is real , astral projection is real astral travel is real , Virtual Reality like Sword Art Online is real , i wish dreams were real … because i hate reality , i hate real life , i hate real world ! it’s so boring , only for people who lack imagination & stupid )
does anyone agree ?
can anybody relate ?
The website says “Howdy”.
Howdy. That does sound quite ironic.
It’s another day once again that begins “Let’s put off until tomorrow what we can put off until tomorrow” says the book I’m reading. A book by Murakami. A japanese author. Japan? It’s something that had some impact on my life, it’s funny how you and others associate things to yourself even though you don’t believe you exist. Sometimes I picture myself walking in a quiet japanese street between two rows of houses, eating a fish-shaped an-pan, just like in those animes I watched when I was in junior high.
Yes, exactly, with that piano OST from Durarara!! in the background.
Or better maybe: “Nichijou seikatsu”.
I often dream of this anime-like “nichijou seikatsu”
After all, what better than this? A simple, quiet and cheerful life.
Yet it doesn’t seem to exist, there is always something to do, always somewhere to be, always someone to please.
Because if you want to benefit from society you have to work for it too. Right? That’s perfectly normal.
Without getting into everything that goes wrong with our actual society, it is impossible for us to live a life of leisure without working. That is, very, very disappointing.
I played a game called “Touch Detective” when I was younger, no actually it is a game I do appreciate quite a lot. Working adult characters who don’t have any importance in the game are all disgusting mummy-like creatures. I couldn’t describe them better. They look like “The Scream” by Edvard Munch. This painting describes the anxiety of existence quite well.
Responsabilities, work, society. I don’t want to be an adult, high school is almost over for me, it was a great time, and I don’t want to grow up, all those exams are already stressful enough, everything is stressful, I’ll forever say my thanks to the coffee machine and the small cloister of my high school for taking care of my mental health.
I feel like spitting blood. I feel like a being made of tears. I feel like a cold stone bench under the moonlight.
This is how I feel, like the moon. A cold, rocky and pale thing, that looks empty and useless.
I caught myself liking the sun today, because it was cold outside. That “nichijou seikatsu” vibe again, something I’ll never have.
I know what I’m about to say is nothing new or profound, but the hell with it. We are all made of atoms that have been around for billions of years. Every year over 98 percent of the atoms in our bodies are replaced. Think, all of us have atoms in our body from almost every human being that has ever existed. When we die this enclosed system of exchanged atoms that comprises our perceptions of ourselves ceases to exist, but the atoms themselves will still exist.
It really makes me wonder, does it really matter that I kill myself? I obviously don’t believe in the popular views of the afterlife. The negative effects of my suicide will have a devastating effect on those that know me, but in comparison to the universe it really is nothing. It will only be very temporary. Who cares that one person kills himself? I won’t really cease to exist as my atoms won’t just disappear, but the manifestation of myself in the current human senses will cease to exist. So what?
I honestly don’t know why I bother sticking around. No matter how hard I try it is hard to motivate myself to do anything. Almost everything in our present time is speculative. Religion no longer has a supreme reign on reason, but science hasn’t progressed enough to the point where religion once offered a sense of absolving of responsibility. People back then feared God and saw him as the reason to keep going. As it stands now we must accept that the universe is chaotic, though I doubt this is the case. This is just how our senses currently perceive it.
Well feel free to criticize the hell out of that. My thoughts need to be better organized, yet I am too lazy to bother.
Please let me go already,my body my mind I can’t deal with them they won’t listen to me I’m going insane and nobody cares,I don’t want future I don’t want past I don’t want present I just want to disappear from this world,I don’t want more nightmares I don’t want more thoughts I don’t want more fears I don’t want more agony please let me go. PLEASE BEFORE I LOST IT COMPLETELY PLEASE LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The contains of this life are far more extraordinary beyond the four walls I’m imprisoned by. The expansions of my sight reign from corner to corner, not from valley to green field after family of song birds. I aspire to be, not to see, but to hold, not to flutter past. I anticipate the flight – flight to passage. Not the body working, but the heart impaired with soul. The emotion and pain far too great to subside with overjoy. The sun – what is “sun?” A large, yellow, imperative – to – life element? But if not there, would we partake in adaption? The possibility of existence is leaning toward one answer, possibly toward the other, depending on the owner of sight, but yes. We would evolve into creatures, shaded by night, shaded by day, brought into the expected, doomed by the unexpected. The perspective of one. Or perhaps, through the eyes of one.
My kind of suicide isn’t suicide at all, as funny as that may sound.
The way I see it is that I don’t have to take my own life, life will take it for me. All I have to do is live. I mean, even if I get stricken with cancer I can be thankful I won’t live to an old age where I’m helpless, just get it over with. That’s worth the pain I think. I’ve seen an old friend die of cancer, in comparison to other ways one can go out, it didn’t seem that bad the way it hit him quick. And he was glad to go before he lost his mind.
A long time ago I decided that life wasnt worth living and I hated myself. I tried to kill myself but when that failed time after time, I just said “fuck it”, I was gonna live my life fast and hard till I finally broke or burned out. I stopped caring about everything, I mean..nothing mattered, not even the negative things. Nothing matters period. (The only thing that matters is temporary pleasure, contentment, and excitement..but even the duration of these things don’t matter) And it allows a bit of irony to create a pleasure perspective into my mind. I see things like a person watching over a group of children. Watching them play and fight and sometimes play-fight. Knowing that they still have so much to learn about in their lives. Knowing that their words and actions mean nothing, they are but chemical interactions playing out random cycles of life. Knowing that one day I will be gone and nothing I would have done or could do would matter at all.
So what do you do when nothing matters?
I don’t know what you would do, I just know what I did to make life more interesting.. Drugs!
Because when nothing matters, what does it matter what you do to your body? What does it matter if you have friends? What does it matter what people say? If nothing matters at all?
There is no point in depression if nothing matters! There is no sense in the absence of pain when nothin matters, so let the pain come. There is no reality of “time” when nothing matters, so drop the concept of age, death, beginning and end. What does it matter when the end will come? What good is the suicide method when nothing matters?
Existence is endless. Even if you escape this life there is no guarantee that you will escape to a “better” place or a place of nonexistence. But what does that matter anyways?
Loneliness is something we make up in our minds, i can assure you that it doesnt matter. right now you may be alone, but tomorrow you could end up being kidnapped, beaten and raped..only to be let go to live out your life in complete misery and fear. That loneliness is looking good right about now. The world is full of evil..evil people filled with hate and who do evil things to innocent people. People have tried to kill me, but I can honestly say that from this perspective, it just doesn’t matter. Nothing matters when you don’t care if you die. The only thing that matters is how much can I do and experience before this life is over? I just want the ultimate distraction.
Well, I hang around in this life for a reason. Those reasons might not be fully realized at the moment but it’s a much more stable ground than to assume life isn’t worth living for no reason at all. I have built a life, and although it may be taken away one day…that simply won’t matter in the end!
So I’m gonna try to have fun in this life! Because….FUCK IT!! 😉
What does it matter?
September 10, 2013
As this may be the last year of my life, I am posting this confession, if you will, to explain why I might commit suicide sometime between June-November of 2014. It’s way out there in mid to late 2014 and not now because I’m giving myself a last chance to succeed. I’m old now, I’ve had 3 health crises in the last 3 years, and my finances, while sufficient for the next 2 years, are not enough to carry me through a long retirement. At this point, given my health, depressed mental condition, and the odds of achieving a major financial reversal for myself, suicide seems like it might be the best course for me. I’d rather go out leaving some money to loved ones younger and with dreams that are alive than spending it on myself to prolong an existence that does not seem to be fulfilling any purpose other than getting me thru the day so I can sleep at night (when I’m able to sleep).
I would like to more specific regarding all the events of my life that brought me to this, but as a few of my relatives suffer from depression (imo) they might frequent this site and as family relations are dysfunctional, I’m not looking for any awkward interventions. At my advanced age, I’m looking for either validation or annihilation.Â Succeed or die.
I was very sick at the age of 4 and landed in quarantine at the hospital. Though I recovered, I left emaciated and with some physical disfigurement. I was teased about this at elementary school, but it was not so bad that I couldn’t weather it.
As I grew older, I was able to get some treatment to make me appear more normal. Where things went bad for me was when my family moved to a new city. At that point, for reasons unknown to me, a group of boys began to see me as something (I’m not saying someone because to them I was an object and not a human being) to abuse and tease on a daily basis. This went on for me from the age of 14-19 with the result that my self-esteem became nonexistent. Teachers saw it going on and ignored it, I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t believe they could do anything to change it. I’ve alluded to this in several posts on this site but never set things down because the idea of suicide was never firmly set in my mind. It was just something I thought about fleetingly whenever I was low. Funny, but right now I had the thought that if I had never gone to school from 9th to 12th grade and just spent all that time in the library, my life would have been better. The emotions that well up inside of me when I think about those years are still quite intense. If I had the sort of personality that acted out, I probably would have gone berserk at some point and killed someone. However, since I internalize things, that’s not gonna happen.
These days, I’ve been depressed off and on for the last 8 months, and when it gets really bad, I am so aware of how the feeling is the same as when I was a teenager.Â That numb flat feeling where you don’t want to do anything except lie down or zone out eating or watching tv and those activities don’t provide you with any pleasure. Productivity zero.
To be honest, if I saw I could live my remaining 20 or so years with a decent (and to me decent isn’t that much) standard of living, I wouldn’t be posting this. I’d be able to accept what happened to me then with a more balanced mind. But the thought of poverty changes things. Coupled with poor health, it makes things worse, and looking back at my life and how things went wrong for me so many times, I keep arriving at how my lack of self-esteem seems to be the main driver behind my failures in life.
So what will I be doing over the next 6 months or so? As soon as the pain one of my health problems (I was hit by a driver high on PCP 25 yrs of so ago and now I have a compressed nerve that causes me a lot of pain off and on. Hopefully, another few weeks it will subside), I’ll start meditating
and work at making money. If I can achieve enough of a positive mental state and/or abundance to make life look like more of opportunity and less of a dead-end, I’ll do a 180 and see where life takes me. If not, death will come as a relief.
I figure at my age, six to eleven months is a fair enough time to come to terms with the choice of voluntarily ending my life as it is a radical step and I don’t want to be impulsive about it. I’m expecting I’ll go thru the 5 stages of loss and grief on the way to making a final decision. Right now, my preferred method is using an inert gas. Ideally, I would like to have someone assist me by removing the tank and bag after my death so my relatives think it was a natural death. I’d have to figure out some way to reward someone willing to help me in this respect (that’ll make an interesting Craigslist post), but six months is a long way off. Who knows, things might just turn around for me.
Gotta go now, getting some shooting pains so I need to do my stretching exercises.
Best wishes and good luck to all (myself included)
September 17, 2013
Will be updating this periodically. Posting today because I feel down and want to mention something I’m doing that could be construed as meaningful or poignant.
I have a storage unit filled with the flotsam and jetsam of the past 20 years of my life and am using the weekends to empty it. Either giving/throwing it away or charging minimally for the items that have an obvious worth to them. If no buyers, sometimes I drop them off at the salvation army. Last weekend, a ton of dvd’s, winter and hiking boots, bedding, and lots of books. Found boxes of papers (financial, credit card solicitations, old photos) that I will shred at some point. My past life doesn’t mean anything to me now. Only the future, but for some reason I can’t see it. Finding it both liberating and sad to be getting rid of my “stuff”. I am trying at this point to clear it of everything save for a few heirlooms my relatives might want. Also found a copy of “The Peaceful Pill Handbook,” which I would advise for any geezers on this board to pick up if they contemplating their own demise. I don’t mean this as a judgement to the young people who frequently post here, but I wouldn’t advise it to anyone under the age of 50, give or take a few years. When you are young and life is beating you up, you most likely still have tons of unrealized potential and are better served by weathering, as best you can, those blows and doing your best to set goals and forge ahead with your life. It saddens me to see people in their teens, twenties, thirties, and even forties posting suicide plans here. You just don’t know what may lie ahead for you. I’ll get off the soapbox now, regarding that and will do my best not to return to it. Just wanted to put it out for the record. I know I’m not in your shoes, so I don’t know what you’re actually going through. Don’t mean to offend, just offering my perspective from later in life.
That’s enough for today.
Best wishes to all.
My mind tries to understand why things happen and say “there was a reason for that”. However it is simply an excuse, as if my mind is trying to make reason out of the shit that happens to me. It doesn’t take long for me to realize what’s going on, this defense mechanism isn’t very efficient once I’ve realized what it’s doing, but it doesn’t stop it from trying.
I can’t function under stress, any kind of stress. It isn’t even a big deal, I’m just unable to deal with stress. Even if it’s a tiny obstacle in my life, it becomes such a great deal that my mind has to turn on its defense mechanisms to try and keep me functioning.
Saying I have confidence would be a joke. Someone could walk up to me and say “You’re a terrible person.” and then kick a dog and strangle an old lady on the way out, and I would start to think that I’m a terrible person.
I hate when people think about me, it causes confrontation which is what I hate most. I would enjoy a life of solitude, I regret making friends at work, and I regret hanging out with the friends I made when I was in school, but I can’t leave them now, it would cause too much confrontation.
I can’t deal with sad people either, because I do not care about their problems, not out of lack of empathy but simply because I cannot relate to people with real problems. I do not understand how they do it, small issues in my life cause me to become depressed and contemplate my existence, I could never deal with real problems.
Being at the age between dependence and independence I know soon I’ll start experiencing a lot of serious problems, problems that will no doubt cause me to go insane, how can I deal with all these new problems if I can barely handle my current problems? I don’t want to deal with those problems, so I want to die, but I can’t kill myself, my mind won’t let me as I’ve already spent many days with my fathers .45 S&W.
I’m simply living, biding my time waiting for a chance to die, the most ideal position? To die for another person, somehow my mind is okay with that. I sit in traffic every day hoping maybe a bus will come flying out of control while civilians are crossing the street, I could swerve in front of it and take the hit, hopefully dying but saving the civilians on the crosswalk. I sit in my workplace hoping some poor man will finally snap and rush in the place with a shotgun and shoot me as I attempt to disarm him. I sit in the parking lot after work and wish a meteor would come crashing down and I could just stare at it as it comes towards me, shit that sounds beautiful.
I am completely aware that I would be saving someone only as an excuse to die, and I am completely okay with it. That person would never find out I was only using them, and hopefully they would soon forget me as ideally it would be someone I do not know.
The word excuse is a great analogy for my life, every time I do something it’s just an excuse my mind uses to keep my going. Adequate is a good one too, everything I own is simply adequate, my computer that is just adequate enough to play my games, my car that is just adequate enough for me to do my job, the engine light that has been on for weeks and the broken fuel gauge, broken anti break system and barely functioning power steering pump.
My life is just one big fucking excuse.
I am 43, just quit a job I was in which I did because I’m supposed to want to live, to be grateful for being alive but I do not and am not.
I’m not grateful, I see no merit in being grateful. Moreover, to whom is this gratitude supposed to go.Â Did someone create me and now I owe them? Really?
Sounds like b.s.
The idea that I should live my life out of gratitude to a benevolent being seems really odd.
I trudge through this existence, yearning for it to end but I cannot end it…quickly that is…I have the notion of taking a walk…a long walk…that will either end in my death or in me wanting to live..
Any thoughts out there
I got to this point where I didn’t want to die. I saw my future for the first time in years. I thought I had a future. I thought maybe I mattered, that maybe I could survive, that people liked me and I could handle relationships. I was so wrong. Here I am, in college sitting in my closet, wanting to escape again. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have enough left in me to keep going. But I also made the mistake, in the time that I was feeling ok about myself and my life, to get attached to people again. I had stopped caring before. I had been smart enough to detach myself from their reality. But now I care too much, and I know that people care about me. Yet, how can I continue? I’ll never get my degree. I’ll never really fit in with any person or group of people. I’ll never find a career that I love and desire. I’ll never be good enough for myself or anyone else. I’ll never find a love that could endure my mental health fiasco. I’ll never feel better. I just can’t take much more of this existence. I hate to think that my life is draining anyone else, but I know it is. I know people are worried about me. I know they care too much and don’t understand enough to try and help. It’s exhausting, and nobody deserves that. Even my own counselor won’t answer my emails. I do hope that things are ok with her. I would never want to be here feeling sorry for myself because she won’t answer only to find out that she’s sick or something terrible happened. I don’t know. I’m just so self-centered and selfish. I try to help others, but I’m so insecure that it’s hard. I just wish there were more options, but I’m stuck.
In darkness of the night
I spied him in a tree
Sat I froze by the sight
He was looking at me
The summerâ€™s heat became a chill
The angel of death at his kill
My heart skipped with the fright
Blinked my eyes to betâ€™r see
Glanced back with all my might
Parted he my compâ€™ny
My chest was quickly pounding still
The angel of death at his kill
I did rise and take flight
The fear made me to flee
From darkness into light
To free captivity
Unbinding my soul from his will
The angel of death at his kill
Many years since that night
Gazed I on that brazâ€™n be
Memâ€™ries of still incite
Fears of my slavery
Existence of him makes me ill
The angel of death at his kill
We are all created to make our own decisions whether to allow or not ourselves to experience loneliness, anger and despair.
I have always easily pondered on my pain (physical and emotional). I am human so I will always regress but I also know the truth- that I am important, you are important. Even though I do not know any of you who visit these boards, I love you and want you to know that your life, your existence is very important. I have struggled with losing family, people I knew in nursing homes and through documentaries of those in Hospice. You may not know or believe that we are all linked and my purpose in this life is to love and give of my heart for as long as God allows my humanly body to survive the earth. I do not know if you believe in a God, a higher being the Almighty “I Am,” but what if, just what if there is a loving spirit waiting for us one day who asks us to think of ourselves as precious? Our choices and decisions are very important. We are going to fail, to fall but the struggle for us is not in giving up, but going through the pains of this life for a greater good – the ultimate gift, salvation for eternity. I have pain every day but I won’t give up trying to persevere. It is the struggle itself that makes us whole. Knowing that life is hard for everyone. I once had pain so bad after my last c-section but I realized that there were babies dying from hunger around the world and pain beyond belief for many. It was then that I was happy just to be alive and in knowing that my children need me desperately. For if I am not there, I can not assume someone else will be. We have these crosses, these hardships to make us stronger. I am so sorry if I sound like I am preaching. I am simply trying to get my deepest heartfelt emotions out because I believe that ending ones life is not in the greater plan for a fruitful outcome. Never allow you to be that upset that you would want to hurt someone so precious.Â I know that you believe that your pains are insurmountable but together and with God, we can overcome anything.Â I am here if anyone ever needs to talk. Thanks for reading 🙂 God’s Blessing for you!
I am a failure in all ways that matter to me i cant stay away from drugs and they no longer even numb my pain the one i love with all my heart is to afraid what it would mean to love me to be gay even tho he has said if he was he would marry me and has considered it…..he claims he cares and that i am a good man but he was raised to hate gays even tho he does not hate me??? yet his ex he hates and is always fighting with but uses for a booty call will spend a week here and i am left completely isolated and ignored as she uses lines like “what you a fag and fucking him” my greatest fear is loneliness and the week or more i feel like a stranger in my own home (these are also the only times my demons drive me to drugs but they are becoming so frequent idk if i could stop) and i have started mixing poisons and practicing hangman’s nooses…..my birthday is in 3 days and that is when i plan to do it just wanted to leave some record goodbye im to tired to live this existence
I’m fucking 19 years old and every god forsaken thing is happening to me, i cant seem to find a way out of this fucking life i just need a way to get away from it all, i wanna just like fucking die just leave every body, everything, every fucking bitter memory cause fact of the matter is i am a bitter memory. iI’ nothing more then that white stuff on the side of your mouth when you’re thirsty just give me a fucking good way to kill myself and leave behind this bitter world so so people wont have to see me again, wont have to remember my fucking existence!!
The title sums this up very well “Fucked UP” that is how I see my self and how my family and others view me a lot of the time, but we will get to that later. So im new to the site and just out of luck today before I made my final choice I decided to post a small post on here. For both advice and to see what others think. Im a 17 year old male who is: failing school (for two main reasons: one im lazy and two I view myself as stupid or dumb) I also have no job, no car, no money, and no family that truly cares. Now most of you might think Â “Oh typical teen my parents don’t care blah blah blah” but I speak truthfully about this I have sought help in the past and a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and actions but the next day before I even got to see a doctor (I was admitted at night with no “specialist on duty”) my grandparents pulled me out of the hospital saying oh this is him throwing a fit and the hospital let me out with out even speaking to me. Another example of this would be another family member when they heard I was depressed told me “if you ever kill yourself do it in the tub so no one has a hard time cleaning up another one of your fuck ups. These both happened around age 8-9. I don’t share my thoughts or even talk to many people for fear of then hating me or realizing hey this kids a fuck up. It’s honestly been driven into my head that im a failure that im useless, I have even gained small voices in my head that constantly remind me of this fact. I moved recently with the same grandparents that denied me the help at the hospital to a area in Florida where I meant my now girlfriend of 2 years and she has stuck by me through all my breakdowns all my crying everything she try’s to hold me high but my depression is just growing more and more and I don’t know if her or I can handle it anymore I hate being a bother to her and I wish I was not but I can’t stop being a bother without ending it and erasing my existence. im tired of hiding behind I fake smile, im tired of hiding everything I just want to end it and stop being a bother.
P.S. Im truly sorry for any mistakes in spelling or grammar i used a spell check but i probably fucked that up.
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