If I let anyone in close I just know that something will fall apart and I’ll be the one left behind trying to piece together the broken pieces of myself that have just been thrown back into my face. I have become the cold, detached one now, everyone’s not-quite friend, fun, sarcastic and vaguely interesting but never warm, inviting, or worth growing closer to. I am not the person you confess your deepest secrets to and I am not the one you go to for advice and I don’t really want to be (or do I?). I am hard to get hold of and impossible […]
Tag:
Fear Of Pain
Everywhere I go, every place I look, I see people. I see love; I see happiness. I see what could be best described as a form of ignorant euphoria. Guys strut through the malls with their girlfriends, people just sort of hang out around places. Fuck. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that I am feeling a sort of pain that cannot be rectified, minimised, or mitigated, due to its constant presence.
I will never experience love beyond that of my few friends, or that of my parents.
To be perfectly honest, I’m tired of my parents, particularly my […]
here, i am.
on the top of this building, again.
i’ve hesitated, i’ve believed.
but nothings getting better, for me.
i jump, free fall.
But i realize its not free at all.
As i look into my families eyes
As i watch my bestfriends cry
As i watch him scream in pain.
As i watch them throw me in a grave.
But i have already jumped.
I hit the ground with a final thump.
i open my eyes.
i see the pain begin
I have payed the toll.
And watch the devil burn my soul.
Can you believe it? The only thing stopping me from suicide is the fear of the physical pain I will feel. I’m scared of jumping in front of a train, of using a knife, of jumping – all due to the unimaginable pain that I imagine will be felt.
I just want it to be painless.
I’ve already resolved to commit suicide – but I’m being held back  by the stupid fear of pain.
I have already resolved that I am not a viable member of the human race – I have failed. I am now mediocre. And this was always my worst fear – becoming mediocre and […]
My original post of this was a little harsh, so I posted a better version of it. I’m 25, married and suffering. This is just a glimpse of what my life has been like. At age 4 I was diagnosed with Spinabifida, and then my dad died. I grew up an angry kid. As I got older I got Appendicitis and lost tons of weight. I was down to near 70 pounds when they finally got the appendix out. After months of therapy I finally healed. Everything seemed to get better and so I wanted to start a new life. I got married and moved […]
I’m mildly obsessed with the idea of taking my life.
Almost any way possible if I can do it semi-passively. It’s almost ironic that I’m no longer afraid of heights because I’d like to fall from them. Right now, I’d like to go back downstairs and take the knife and start writing in my skin with blood. Conquer my fear of pain as well.
And I’d jut cut and cut and cut.
And if I accidentally let too much blood flow out? All the better.
Lately I’ve been trying to deal with food. I’ve been forgetting to eat every now and then and eating things with barely any calories […]