Is it wrong to born gay? I had been in relation with a guy for almost a year. He loves me very much. But he has insecurity Problem and hence we had several fights. One of the fights were so extreme that we had to deal with cops. I really love him and he loves me too! Adding to this. My father left my family when I was two year old baby. I have older brother who doesn’t work. My mother becomes angry on small reasons. I already had an unsuccessful effort of poisoning myself and dying. But still I survived after a medical treatment of 4 days. Now my ex is going far from me so I can stay happy. Which I don’t want. I’m still confused whether to go back to him or not. How should I cope up with Family, Work and Love? I’m the responsible one at home. I cant even die. I hadn’t lost hope but I cant bear this emotional burden at all!
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
We grow old and fade and rust
Our lives are spent in endless fights
And spend out time with endless nights
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
We are cursed with mistaken trust
We pretend that we don’t know
Which makes our decay all so slow
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
Our time is spent in one big gust
We flourish and then whither away
And are truly happy for one whole day
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
It’s not worth the work to bust
The time spent to make it work
Is always taken by evil smirks
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
My life is over with one main thrust
Falling in and out of time
Failing to make the finial rhyme
Ashes to ashes dust to dust.
So I’m 21 nearly and I had a girlfriend for close to 3 years.
We were perfect for each other, but as we all do we had our fights, some alot bigger then others. However about 2 and a half years in i was going to propose when we were on holiday, things didn’t go quite to plan and I never got around to it, that’s beside the point. She left me on Easter this year and has been sleeping with many others. I guess it hurts because I was her first everything, emotionally and physically, but now I’m stuck with manic depression and suicidal thoughts I’ve attempted suicide twice before and am contemplating the whole mixture of vinegar and bleech trick to go peacefully I guess I’m asking a question. Will this work?
Just an average girl,
She always wore a smile
She was cheerful and happy for a short while.
Now she’s older, things are getting colder
Life’s not what she thought,
she wished someone had told her.
She told you she was down
And you let it slip by
So from then on she kept it on the inside
She told herself she was alright
But she was telling white lies
Can’t you tell, look at her dull eyes
Tried to stop herself from crying almost every night
But she knew there was no chance of feeling alright
Summer came by, all she wore was long sleeves
‘Cause those cuts on her wrist were bleeding through you see
She knew she was depressed, didn’t want to admit it
Didn’t think she fit in, everyone seemed to miss it
She carried on like a soldier with a battle wound,
Bleeding out from every cut her body consumed
She had no friends at school, all alone she sat
And if someone were to notice she would blame the cat
But those cuts on her wrist they were no mistake,
But no one cared enough to save her from this self hate
Things were going down never really up,
And here she is now stuck in this stupid rut
She knew exactly what she had to do next,
Just stand on the chair and tie the rope around her neck
She wrote a letter with her hands shaking wild,
“Look at me now are you proud of your precious child?”
But she knew that her parents weren’t the ones to blame,
It was the world that should bow down it’s head in shame
She stood up on the chair and looked out at the moon,
Just don’t think it’ll all be over soon
The chair fell down as she took her final breath,
It’s all over all gone, now she’s greeting death
Her mum walks in, she falls down to the floor,
And now nothing can take back what she just saw
The little girl that she raised is just hanging there,
Her body’s pale and her face is violently bare,
She sees the note and unfolds it with care,
All she does is stare, “How can this be fair?”
She starts reading as the tears roll down her face,
“I’m sorry Mum, but this world is just not my place,
I’ve tried for so long to fix this and fit in,
I’ve come to realise this world’s full of sin,
There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space,
I’ve got no reason to stay here with this awful race,
It’s a disgrace, I was misplaced,
Born in the wrong time and in the wrong place,
It’s ok though, ’cause you’ll see me soon,
You’ll know when your time has come, just look at the moon,
As it shines bright, throughout the night,
And remember everyone’s facing their own fights,
But i can’t deal with this pain, I’m not a fighter,
You’ll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter
So let the world know that I died in vain,
Because the world around me is the one to blame,
And I know in a year you’ll forget I’m gone,
‘Cause I’m not really something to be dwelled on,
That’s what they used to tell me, all those kids at school,
So I’m going by the law majority rules,
My presence on this earth is not needed any longer,
And if anything I hope this makes you stronger,
You’re the best friend that I ever had,
Such a shame I had to make you so very sad,
Just remember that you meant everything to me,
And to my heart, you’re the only one that held the key,
Now it’s time to go I’m running out of space to write,
And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight
I’m watching over you from the clouds above,
And sending down the purest and whitest dove,
To watch over you and be my helpful eye,
So this is it world…
**********I’m not Courtney Parker this is her song not mine. Just clarifying that.
I want to share my story here in brief. I have everything in my life parents, good job , had higher studies but I am a very sensitive girl. I always wanted to have a true lover who can caRe for me more than anything, who can do anything to make me happy simply who can love me deeply. I have boyfriend but I don’t think he loves me that much. He thinks about himself . We had fights n I have tried attempts after that. I hurt myself physically but he is still same. He can’t wipe my tears off. I want to kill myself but I stopped CoZ of my parents. But I can’t live like this and somewhere I am scared also but I also don’t know when I ‘ll do that CoZ my mind starts bursting and I feel helpless.
I was the most picked on girl and I still am. Over the summer my mom and I got into many many fights. She had told me over and over that if I died her life would be perfect. So I started taking pills and cutting after almost one year of not cutting. She gets drunk one night and yells at me till I leave the house at ten. I walk to town almost six miles away. I sit down because all the pills kick in. Now I also must say I was drinking to that night. But after I sat down a cop pulled up and saw my arm. I kept telling him I was fine. He smelled achohol on my breath so he ask me to walk on a line near the road. I jumped out into the road but the damn car missed me by a inch .longggggggg story but I went to a hospital ,slapped a doctor, and cused out a nurse, just to end up with stitches and a new set of knives. Fyi I’ve been on every med.out there and not one worked.gtg.
Finally gave in to my urges and cut for the first time in a couple months; i feel so shitty but relieved. i feel so weak and terrible after i have fights with my mom; i guess im just feeling alone. name shit different day.
Its so hard to understand something you just cant get a grip on.take life for example,it truly is a beautiful thing…but at the same time it can be so….cruel.emotions are a great subject.they make us happy and sad….angry and loving.and yet it is these very same emotions that can do so much damage.let me ask you a question.why?….why is it that we’re given happiness on a silver plater just so it can be ripped away?…why is it that this emotion called happiness is dangled in the face of those who can never have it?.To me the answer is clear…you have to fight….the happiness you may know now could be snatched away one day.as im sure everyone knows.nothing in this world is free.and so we have to fight…we must fight for the things we want…this is the payment for happiness.but theres a problem, not everyone likes to fight. I myself HATE fighting…i hate it just when people fight verbally around me.i grew up around other peoples problems and fights, and so I grew to hate it, when people fight around me it brings back memories that I would rather not remember.BUT….I have to…I have to fight no matter what..im forced to…. no matter how much I may be scared…..to survive…..I soldier on, we all have to…its part of this ugly yet beautiful world.but not all think like me, indeed there are those who lose their battles and are condemmed to an eternity of pain and sorrow… A bitter end.and so let me ask you another question.What are you fighting for?………
Hey. Here goes.I did not want to talk about this to anyone ,because in my family no one understands ,its just the way they look at me when i try to talk to someone.Its that look ,when u feel,people are listening just because they have to,not because they want to… I was born in a family with rooted alcoholism.My mothers father was a heavyweight drinker and so was my father.So the fights,physical and psychological were on daily bases.I started to develop this person in my own world.i used to lock myself in my room,put my headphones on and got lost in music.I was talented musician.In music school i managed to get very high grades without any learning,all i had to do is listen and my brain would remember the notes like a freakin laptop.So this is who i became and this was my world,no one could touch it.SO, the fights in my family got to the point,where my parents had to divorce.I was about 12 years old and my father left and we kind of lost each other.We had some contact but i always had the feeling,that i want it more to se my father than he wants to see his son.In the process of a divorce,about 2 years later, i started taking drugs and never stopped until i got my first masters degree in drug abuse(SARCASTICLY MEANING).I lost the feeling for music ,i lost the feeling for life and i lost a feeling for myself.My mom had to work two jobs and i was forced to learn about life on the streets.My mom is an angel and i do not blame anyone for my drug abuse ,but myself..But the need for heroin was stronger than my love for music and life.So when i was 25 i was still a junky and went to rehab.I got clean and after 13 months i came back home.In first week i found a job and stated to live normally.I got back in music and everything went well.About 3 years later i met a girl and we started to live together.But after one year we noticed to many differences between us and wanted to brake up.But she was already pregnant with my daughter.So i did not want to leave or brake this a part,for my daughters sake.Soon a beautiful girl was born and my heart want crazy.It was the best day of my life.But sadly we were still fighting and i lost myself again and started to brake.I did not want to live with this woman,but i could not leave my daughter.So i was put in front of a emotional wall.She hated me every day more and more.So i started doing heroin again.And soon when i saw my daughter crying,when we were fighting i decided to leave.Because i did not want my daughter to grow up in that kind of environment.Again i got away and started to clean my self up.It took me about one year.I got clean and i never left from my daughter.i was calling and paying (i still am) for her.i was asking how is she,when can i see her …More i called and showed interest in my daughter,more negative attitude i got from her mother.Than she found someone and i was visiting my daughter like two days in a week.AS soon as mother saw that i am developing a nice connection with my daughter,she started to enforce this other father figure to her.I lost my mind over this and went to court.Than a 2 year battle began.The judge saw my point of view and gave me all the rights regarding my daughter.I am still paying for her,but since the mother did not want to cooperate,the judge said,that my only option is,if i come for my daughter with the police and just take her.But she said,i have to be the one that demands that.I wanted to do that,every cell in my body wanted to just go there ,take my girl and tell everyone else to go f… them selves.but reality was,that it does not matter how strong we are fighting,my daughter still loves her mommy and my heart just could not go with the police alternative.I could not take my daughter and grab her from her moms hands.It felt unnatural.Let me say i had to get opinions from several therapists and doctors that our system has.Each and everyone of them said ,that there is no danger for me to take drugs again.That i am stable and trust worthy.Two years i was like a lab rat,sending me from one specialist to another and waiting for me to loose…Well i can proudly say,that i am clean since,despite the fact my heart was ripped to pieces several times during this 10 years of emotional storms…So now my daughter does not want to see me anymore.She said that every time i come to visit it is always the same,playing same games and stuff.But no one told my daughter,that i wanted to take her to the zoo,to swimming pool with water slides,to vacation on the coast,but her mother did not let me.She said the only way i can see her is at her house and when she is at home.SO my daughter kind of pulled back ,because she thought there was something wrong with me,since her mommy does not let us have a little father-daughter time together.I spoke to some teraphists and they said,the best thing i can do for my girl is to back off and give her time,because it is confusing for her to have two father figures,since her mommy already had new boyfriend and does not want to cooperate in that matter….So i had to back off.I don care what people think of me,my heart is ripped in pieces ,i miss her sooooo much.I did not see her for 7 months and it feels like I’m a dead man walking.Now my mind is open for dark places ,my heart is broken and i do not see any reason to keep fighting for anything.I lost my job,because i was under stress at the time and i screamed at my boss.i told him to go f.. himself….So the guy normally let me go..But i would still tell him the same damn thing,because he did not pay me and still owes me… Now i am searching for a reason to stay in positive ways.I will not take smack again that is for sure.But i went to rehab,i went to court.For some time i had to fight the system,because we all know what system does to you if you were a drug abuser.They buried me under all levels of humanity,but i fought and won my personal fight.But i lost my girl ,even if court papers say different.Every day i wake up with this question,why am i still here.Am i really one of those guys who,does not matter what i do,i always manage to mess things up.I do not see any light in front of me.This is my world,this is where i heal my hurts and i am staring to embrace this feeling.In my mind i see it,it was better when i was a drug abuser,than now,when i am clean.Crazy,yeah i think so too.And they say in those rehabs,how life can change for you when you get clean,i guess it does but in worse way…I really do not know why i had to go through all those fights and still ,i am the one who got knocked out… I will not kill myself,but i am starting to think about that and i know this is not me.I am a fighter, i just need a new reason to fight for…i AM OUT OF REASONS… LOVE TO ALL
Beer beer I’m drinking beer. I’m gonna get drunk and overcome my fear.
I couldn’t afford it but that’s okay I don’t need money where I’m going anyway. Only a gold coin to pay the man so he can ferry me far away from this land.
All the bad memories and actions past, I’ll make them end very fast. The daily stresses and endless fights will surely be over after tonight. I’m done and spent I’ll tell you that. I don’t have to worry this beer will make me fat.
Goodbye mum goodbye dad I’m so sorry that I was so bad. Goodbye lover who was only mine I promise you it will all be fine. Run away my love as fast as you can for tonight I’ll be hanging from a ceiling fan.
I met a friend of mine about eight months ago. Â Prior to that I had no real friends, no one I could talk to. Â I was 27 years old with no girlfriend, no wife, no kids, noÂ life, really. Â And yes, I was kinda suicidal back then too, but only in the vaguest way. Â I had the thoughts, but never took any real action. Â I was just on auto-pilot, living life day-by-day. Â My life consisted of going to work, coming home, playing video games (not even social multi-player ones!) and then sleeping. Â The most boring, staid, ridiculously isolating life you could imagine and IÂ hated it. Â Then Samantha came along.
Samantha was great. Â She was everything I needed in a friend. Â I met her on a writer’s RPG websiteÂ named Mizahar, where we first encountered one another because she posted in my thread. Â Our characters got along famously almost instantly, and we started to chat on the site’s chat room. Â And that became a daily thing, so we exchanged Skype numbers and started talking to each other. Â Then we exchanged phone numbers and texted each other. Â She was what I needed – somebody who’d text me during the day asking how I was doing. Â Little things, like sending heart symbols <3, or *nuzzles*, or things like that, to let me know that she cared. Â And I’d tell her about my horrible job, and she’d tell me about her husband and son and work and I got to know her over the last few months.
We became such good friends that I even went to see her at her home. Â It was a fair distance and cost quite a bit but I still don’t regret doing it. Â That was the highlight of our friendship. Â The highest point. Â But then the fights started.
It was always something soÂ stupid that started the fight. Â Like, we played a video game together (that she introduced me to), called League of Legends. Â You can look it up, but basically it’s this game where there’s “champions” that you can play as, and your friends can too, and then a bunch of you go into the game against another bunch of players and you kill each other. Â The details don’t matter, but one of the fights (and the reason I’m feeling suicidal right now), was over a champion. Â In a goddamnÂ video game! Â HowÂ dumb is that?! Â Granted it wasn’tÂ that fight which actually resulted in what happened, but it was the beginning of the end.
Now in the past, we’d had fights before. Â Over similarly stupid minor things. Â Admittedly, she was myÂ only friend, which by default made her my best friend but truthfully even if I had other friends she would still have been my best friend because she displayed genuine concern about my life and how it was going. Â Mizahar and League of Legends gradually dropped in importance for me – originally I was afraid that she’d quit one or the other and I’d have no one to write/play with, but after only a few months I was more worried that I wouldn’t have my caring friend to help me through difficult times anymore.
So yes, I had a dependency problem. Â I was too emotionally attached to her. Â So when we had our fights and she asked for space, I didn’t give it to her. Â I was too terrified that she’d leave, that she’d never come back if I left her alone, so I pinged her, and texted her, and bugged her. Â Which ironically only made thingsÂ worse. Â Now I’ll be the first to admit, that’s my cross to bear. Â My dependency issues is something I need to fix, and deal with, and seek professional help about.
Now when the arguments gotÂ really bad, and she started saying things like, “I’m done!” and “Don’t ever talk to me again!” I got really,Â really scared. Â To the point that I could feel the depression and despair creep up and I would start feeling suicidal. Â The old bad habits crawling out of the woodwork like ants from a hill. Â And I couldn’t help myself. Â I’d tell her I would commit suicide, and she’d call me, and she’d scream at me, but at least she wasÂ talking to me. Â But that upset her too. Â She said that every time I did so, she pulled further away, which just got meÂ more neurotic and needy. Â And that began a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to stop.
Was I being emotionally abusive and manipulative with this, as she kept insisting I was? Â I… I don’t know. Â Maybe I was. Â I just don’t know anymore. Â I do know this. Â And if you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been through this before, so youÂ know that these feelings areÂ real. Â Every suicide threat needs to be taken seriously, because let’s face it, you and I both know that we suicidal people, we really do mean it every time we say it. Â Of course that doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll go through with it… and obviously so far none of usÂ have or we wouldn’t be here talking about it, but still, that doesn’t make our feelings any less true or real.
If I had a friend I was as close to as I was to Samantha, and he or she was suicidal, and I was flippingÂ mad at him or her, I’dÂ still drop everything, put aside my anger, and help them in any way I could if I found out they were feeling like hurting themselves. Â Especially if I knew it was my anger that was causing it in the first place. Â Maybe Samantha couldn’t, because she’s never been there. Â But I could, because IÂ know first-hand what it’s like. Â I’m feeling it right the hell now, so I definitely know what it’s like. Â And I’d do it every single time. Â I’d never throw up my hands and surrender just because it happens “too often”. Â And I’d never pull away with each “threat”; if anything I’d getÂ closer, because I’d want to help a dear friend stay in this world with me.
But with her… so after the fight regarding the champion in League of Legends, I did something ridiculously stupid. Â And I’ll own up to how dumb it was for me to do that. Â I called her really early in the morning, mainly just to… you know what I’m not even sure what the hell I was thinking at the time. Â Why did I do that? Â It was ridiculously dumb. Â And she called me out on it, rightly so, saying, “God could you be more like a stalker? Â I wasn’t even awake yet.” Â She hadÂ every right to call me out there. Â I’d have done the same. Â A few hours later I texted her, basically to apologize. Â I don’t even remember how that conversation escalated, but it did. Â It got so bad, she started accusing me of stuff, and I accusedÂ her of taking my words out of context. Â That was when she said, “coming from the master of manipulation himself, huh?! Â Fine! Â I’m blocking you!” Â And that’s exactly what she did.
And that was it. Â The end, it seemed. Â She didn’t block text messages, not because she didn’t want to but because at the time she didn’t know how to… yet. Â I’d never felt despair like I felt at that moment. Â All the other times I’d fought with her didn’t even compare to that moment. Â All the other times was my neurotic fear of losing her that made me want to be suicidal, but if I’d been rational I’d realized that it was silly – even though she hated that I seemed to always “threaten” her with this, she came back anyway. Â But this time… this time was different. Â This time she was taking a step she’d never taken before, and actually blocked me. Â And I panicked, as I’m sure you could understand. Â But for once, she did not come to help. Â Oh she called, but unlike before when her calls were lengthy and eventually talked me out of doing anything, this time it was short. Â And the last verbal words I ever heard from her was, “I hope you burn in hell!”
God… I didn’t want that to be the last thing I ever heard from a friend that was so close I almost saw her as family. Â But it was. Â And at that moment… I grabbed a gallon of bleach. Â And I sat there, with the cap open, shaking like a leaf. Â My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it through my ears. Â My head was swimming so much I could barely see. Â I couldn’t breathe… everything was spinning. Â I wanted to just end. Â I felt like my whole life was crashing down around me.
Was I too emotionally attached to Samantha? Â Unhealthily so even? Â Quite possibly. Â I don’t make friends easily. Â When I make them, I treasure them immensely because they provide emotional support that I kinda sorta need to stay alive. Â And so I get attached, maybe overly so, to the few friends I do make. Â And perhaps that attachment comes across as needy, or clingy, or stalkerish. Â It’s something I’m aware of, and want to work on, but in a certain way it’s also something I can’t really change. Â IÂ need that kind of connection with someone to be stable. Â And in the last few years, Samantha was quite literallyÂ all I had. Â So when she ripped that away from me…
So yeah. Â There I was, in front of that bleach, about to drink it. Â I didn’t, of course. Â I’d be in the ER right now if I had. Â But I managed to get over it, because I called the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (ironically suggested by Samantha herself the first time this happened), and they talked me down. Â Said to give Samantha time, she might come back. Â So I waited. Â My emotions were a roller-coaster. Â Sometimes I was almost normal, convinced that because I’m blocked, I’m now giving her the space she has asked for so many times, so maybe she really would come back. Â And then I’d go downhill, into despair, thinking she’d never return.
Then, two days later, I got a private message from her on the writing website we met on. Â And my rollercoaster jumped the tracks and plummeted into the abyss. Â Because she was telling me she was done, and that it was the last I’d hear from her, and don’t bother replying because she wouldn’t reply or read. Â It was the last lifeline I had, and it was gone, and all hope seemed lost. Â I was in a dark tunnel, and I thought I saw a light. Â But it was a mirage. Â There was no light. Â Just darkness all around me.
That was yesterday.
I nearly drank that bleach again. Â The idea had never seemed so good before. Â What was the point of going on? Â She was the light in my life. Â The one person that cared. Â Maybe it’s true. Â Maybe I attached too much to her, more than she could bear. Â She had her own suite of problems. Â A father who had a stroke, a husband who had a heart problem, a son who just hit his terrible twos, and a job that was stacking more and more pressure on her back. Â And now she had to deal with a neurotic, needy, suicidal friend too. Â I suppose logically, I can see how I may have overburdened her emotionally, but I also couldn’t help myself. Â I’d grown so attached, and so needing of the support she gave, that I wasn’t sure IÂ could survive without it.
I had to call the Suicide lifeline. Â Twice. Â Once when she sent her first message, and they assured me it didn’t sound final, just angry. Â But then she sent the second. Â The one that didn’t just sound final, itÂ was final. Â And that was when I was at my worst. Â I almost didn’t call. Â I almost just drank the damn stuff, because I knew if I called they’d probably talk me out of it and at that moment I wasn’t sure IÂ wanted to be talked out of it. Â But I did, in the end. Â And perhaps it was a good thing. Â We’ll have to see, I still don’t see any light at the end of this tunnel.
So now I’m just trudging down this tunnel, looking for any light. Â One foot in front of the other. Â Just trying to make it day by day, knowing that I’ll never get another text from her asking how was my day going. Â Or what was up with me. Â Or would I like to play a game of League with her, or discuss plotlines for the writing site. Â All of that, which kept me stable, and happy, is gone now, and I’m left with the shattered pieces of my broken life lying around me. Â And I have to somehow make it work.
I don’t know how. Â Where do I go from here? Â I don’t make friends easily. Â It’s part of my problem, and why I grow so attached. Â When I had hope that she might come back, I could muscle through any number of days because I could have something to look forward to. Â The day when we’d talk again, and everything would go back to normal. Â But now normal’s become topsey-turvy. Â And I don’t knowÂ what to think anymore. Â The guy on the hotline convinced me to flush the bleach. Â So I did. Â Kinda regretting it now. Â Because I don’t even have a means to end it all, not unless I was truly desperate enough that I’d hang myself or something. Â Could I get that bad? Â Not sure. Â I’m making it through today… barely. Â But what about tomorrow? Â Or the day after? Â Or the one after that?
Is there even an end to this tunnel?
Like a creature, my nails suddenly grown long.
Parasecting the crystal, the nug. Digging the inner.
I guess Parasect is my second pokemon, then.
I saw it in the manga, and it’s wizard mushroom cap.
How about that… The alchemist pokemon.
My dream, is to catch ….. Now, to take over the world.
Spiraling down. Down to the muk card. What of essence.
Oh, the humanity. What of, is this mankind. Who would of let, to become.
Ash would say, and the other heroes.
Tauros, of the silver bone. Evolved in dire sake, a bullet in it’s body.
The day; the stories. The fights. All there ever were was fights.
Though, we are within the apex of our humanity in our technological ingenuity.
But humanity, like ants, but to a false queen.
All that is done is what is. What about the ant with the wings.
The control. The center of our world. Our humanity, our Mankind.
Hidden. A secret. Never even to be asked.
The world, HAS to be in theÂ hand, of someone.
Someone that’s on the loose, the essence of hell itself.
An enemy, of how many thousands of years in the making.
We the people. Lost in the fishbowl.
The birthright to humanity, stolen. Sliced under their belly.
Born, to be slaves. And when a hero arises, to be dead.
Bruce Lee, wanted to take over humanity, with his hand.
“With ‘OUR’ hands.” He would of said.
The heart of theÂ ‘Champion of Man.’
Him and his yellow glorious jumpsuit.
i kept telling myself that if i got sober all my relationship problems would change. And they did… but not the way I wanted them too. Now that I have relapsed its even worse than before. The arguments the fist fights…. it’s all back ten fold. And now that i rebuilt relationships with my mom and sisters I don’t necessarily want to die because I don’t want to hurt them but I can’t handle this relationship up and down and pain every day. And at the end of it all it’s all my fault for being a selfish addict and no matter how much I want to change I can’t. I go to the psych doctor I take my meds I go to meetings. But I still keep slipping up and it’s ruining my relationship. Not to mention if my family finds out they will hate me. I just want to disappear
My family is …
Yesterday I heard my parents discussing, they were in their room and the door was closed (they talk so loud I can hear miles away), my father confessed he was cheating my mother.She is so stupid and people tell her harsh words everytime and she never does anything about it, she’s 45, how long will she bear everything in silence?.I don’t even know why they’re still married, but I’m sure they’re not in love anymore, plus my father is always getting into trouble and hurting other people’s feelings.He has been had struggles with alcohol and smoking since they married more than fifteen years ago, he was absent my whole childhood, he was arrested three times including suspicion of homicide.
My grandpa is almost dead, he can’t walk or talk or even eat.My grandma is always trying to ruin my parent’s marriage, she gets daddy drunk and he hurts himself and the others.My ex-uncle is simply a monster, he’s a pedophile and sexually abused my three little cousins.My aunt it’s alway involved in fights and discussions, she is drug dealer and prostitute.Another cousin of mine died some years ago, she used drugs and was murdered when she was 16.And so it goes.Drugs, alcohol, fights, depression, discussions, crimes, cheatings, undesired pregnancies…That’s my family!
Just a few minutea ago i had a big fight with my mom, one of the most biggest fights we ever had, this was the second time that in a fight, i do selfharm, i feel it is a way to calm a little, i don’t want to, i was trying to let it behind, but i’m too weak, too stupid to get over it.
I am so fucking DONE. I want to die.. well I don’t want to die, but I want this pain to go away. I want the constant numbness, guilt, sadness, and every other emotion to stop. I want these voices to go away and leave my head. I want my father to actually love me! Hell I want my family to actually love me! All they do is tell me that I’m a waste of time, money, and space. They don’t support me. They don’t encourage me to live my dream. They don’t encourage me to get involved with my church, instead they act like it’s the biggest burden in the world to drive me there for things other than service. My family isn’t even half of it. I’m tired of people using me. I’m tired of guys trying to get one thing out of me. I still have flashback of when my ex tried to rape me.. I have flashback of the guy who stalked me for months and cornered me. I have flashback of what my uncle did to me. I keep thinking of all the guys who thought it would be funny to act as if they liked me then embarrassed me in front of the whole school. I think of the guy who lifted my shirt in the hallway at school. I think of all the people who call me a whore and a slut even though I am still a virgin!! And how whenever I get close to someone they move or just straight up leave. I think of how I’m constantly called a failure. I think of all the people who used to beat the shit out of me at school everyday. All the people that left me alone to join the popular crowd. I think of all the people who would throw pieces of glass and rocks at me. The people who would throw all of my stuff into the trash can and tell me that it’s all garbage just like me. All the people who tell me to kill myself on a daily basis… And then over all I think of my 3 friends who successfully committed suicide… I think of how I was on the phone with Lucy when it happened. I can still hear the conversation. I can still hear her mumble out the word “goodbye” through her sobbing. I can hear her kick the chair out and the phone fall to the floor. I can still see the last message Evan ever sent me and the message that Hunter’s brother sent me to let me know what happened. I think of how I never see my brother anymore, how me and my sister fight all the time, and how my parents fight constantly. How my dad calls my mom a fucking ***** and how she threatens to leave his abusive ass through her tears. I think of how we’ve had to move in with my grandparents because we can’t afford a place of our own. I think of how I get blamed for everything and how I hide in my room blasting music to escape it all. I think of all the people who have left me. I think of how fucking easy it would be.. I have it planned… I only have a few things stopping me. I haven’t met my Austin Carlile (as stupid as that may seem to others, that man is my idol and his music has helped me through a shit ton of things) I think of how the guy I’ve liked for almost a YEAR now has a girlfriend and told me he could never be with a girl like me. How he calls me his little sister and comes to me about everything but can’t seem to see that I’m not like his ex and that I’m clearly not leaving him once he tells me about his past. since he has told me about his past and i’m still here. I think of how he dated my friend when my friend knew how I felt. I think of all the guys who just used me to embarrass me in front of everyone and look cool. And the everyone wonders why I don’t think someone is going to love me. I am just so fucking done. I literally have everything planned out. I just don’t have a date yet.. but it’s coming. I can’t take this hell anymore.. :'(
I don’t know how to be the way I used to be. Happy, caring, and ignorant. I have such a hard time when I get sad. I’m not depressed, I don’t think so. I’m happy, or at least semi-happy at times. I’m not a person that is miserable all the time. But when I do get upset I hit rock bottom. I lock myself up and cry and scrape my fists on brick walls.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what the hell happened. It’s as if someone snapped their fingers and I turned into someone started to disprove of, someone no one loves anymore. My parents treat me differently, my mom always fights with me over anything and tells me hurtful things. She doesn’t understand that I try my best to be the best I can be. I don’t think I ever was enough for her. She seems to have hope in my younger sister. It’s makes me sad. She also treats me like a delinquent, as if I go outside and whore around, inject heroin. Recently I started to get high bit its not an everyday thing and the only reason I get high is to help with the stress.
I hate myself so much, and I DON’T know how to deal with myself. I’m so pathetic. I just want to end it.
I want to be famous, not like Beyonce or another loser artist who thinks they are that shit. I want to be link Kurt Cobain. I want to impact the world with my suicide. One day.
As psychotic as it sounds.
so I found this website and it hopes of finding people that will understand me.. So I’m assuming this is my place..
to be honest, I don’t know what’s getting into me . I feel like a monster. I made my mother cry after she found out I self harm, and now that I stop self harming, me and my boyfriend have been getting into countless fights… My mom still puts me down. She calls me whore, slut, only because I’ve kissed one guy. She beats me for no reason too. It doesn’t stop and I know it won’t. I feel so useless and I feel like a horrible person because the fights between me and my boyfriend is my fault and I usually admit it… I just feel so completely empty. I wanna cut again. I feel so empty. Its been going on for over 6 years and I can’t take this anymore with my mom… Help..
I need help i can’t decide if i should live anymore here’s some reasons why 🙁
1. My Real dad died when i was young
2. My step dad blames me for all his fights the he starts
3. My sister has said to me she hates me
my bffl: so here’s a message Â i hope you like me you’ve bin one of the nicest friends too me you’ve helped me stuck up for me played with me i trusted you with all my secrets you make me laugh all the time i love you as a friend
Mum: i love you you’ve done nothing to me it’s not your fault that I’m feeling deppression every day you went through the pain to carry me around for nine months went through the pain to give birth to me.
Step Dad: you’ve bin silly and funny sometimes but your one of the reasons why im depressed every day you’ve blamed you fights on me and sarah picked me up by my throat Â do you love me i don’t think so you’ve said to me that i was a mistake even though you’re my step dad you’re one of the reasons why i feel like commiting suicide
Real Dad: i love you you’ve never bin the reason to make me commit suicide apart from when you died when i was 5 i miss you and i always will my friends have said to get over it because it happend 5 years ago but i will never get over it i love you
Sister: We’ve had are fights but that will never stop my love for you even though you’ve said you hate me i know you were just mad but you’ve helped me when i was was upset you’ve helped me through life i love you
What should i do should i go through it or should i just stay strong i need some advice please help me