I tell her that I am relapsing – that I am failing recovery.
She asks me ‘Is something triggering it?’
And she tells me ‘You are stronger than this.’
And I don’t know the words, my fingertips can’t find all of the letters to tell her that nothing is triggering this and I am not any stronger than the day I woke up in the emergency room, sore and confused, wondering why I had been given another chance at something I had failed so badly.
no feeling… i can’t feel my fingertips… i can’t feel any feelings… all i want to do is die… i wake up every day wanting to do… every minute of the day… i would kill myself if i had the guts to slit my throat…. maybe il suffocate idk
It’s easy for me to give it and think that the world works against me. I’ve had 19 years of suffering in silence, . Day after day of constant disappointment, negative feedback, anxiety, confusion, and isolation. These things have all contributed to my unhealthy belief system still deeply ingrained in my mind.Â
No I’m not retarted, in fact, over the years I’ve realized I’m quite intelligent. I just feel the world a whole lot more intensely, so much that it hurts, feelings are so strong that they’re harder to change, imagine being x10 times more sensitive to everything that goes on. I easily absorb peoples energy, My […]
I am something broken. I was beautiful once, but I lost pieces of myself. I’m trying to find them but they don’t fit right. Do you know what it feels like to look down at yourself and cry because you hate what you see? To feel such loathing towards your own body that you have tried to rip it apart bit by bit? Forgive me if I’m quiet, reserved. I’ve got so much going on in my head that I can’t see straight. I should stop trying to fit in because really, who would ever love a girl with as many problems as me? Oh my God. […]
I sit alone in my bedroom
I lie alone it what will one day be my tomb
I close my eyes and
Slowly extend my hand
I feel it now upon me
That luscious thing I cannot see
It is a rose petal on my fingertips
Spider silk upon my lips
Touching darkness, a dangerous thing
But it makes my heart sing
I an consumed by my dark lover
It is I she covers
She whispers to me words of deadliest desire
But there is no burning fire
Only blessed cool chills of night
I slip into the world of no light
Here I am King
Oh, touching darkness, the joy it brings
I write a lot of poetry that comes from within when I can no longer express myself clearly. It can be what I’m doing at the moment or what’s pulsing inside. It must get out. I used to draw by hand and every blue moon I will draw one thing. But my art is not what it used to be. I am not what I used to be.
My drawing as a kid at in school got me in trouble. I did it during class when what I was learning didn’t interest me. Teachers would take my notebook, or scold me. One kept my notebook […]
My tears are gone,
I have spent so much time filling the ocean,
So that the seven seas,
Become eight.
Who can answer me better than me,
I don’t know how to shout,
So instead I love myself,
Because who else would do it?
I have this infatuation,
And it whispers salvation,
Because I can’t save myself unless I am saving others,
So when my job is done,
Saving becomes a distant plan,
My brain has had time to breathe,
But how did I know that it would be snuffed in the fumes of carbon monoxide and failure,
I am high on disappointment,
Have you ever felt like Peter Pan?
I once flew to Netherland,
And it was there where I learned the […]
Well I have tried killing myself. I’ve slit my wrists, arms, legs, stomach, fingertips. I don’t want an identity. I have burned off my fingerprints but they grew back, no matter how many times I burned them off.
I don’t consider myself human.
I’m an alien.
I’m a redhead that lives in a small town full of Mexicans. I don’t hate them, I love my friends. But I’m an alien. I’m from mars and other people like me (gingers) are the reason why mars is red. I had to learn to make fun of myself at a very young age in order to live in this hellhole-of-a-town.
I’ve held a […]
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