All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small of merriment that was about to grow there. Once again I am fool to human nature that dictates I constantly swell with hope for a better future – a hope which I suspect to be the only driving force as to why I’m alive. When will I realize that I am working on dying fumes the “better future” is behind me now. I keep looking at life like a beautiful rose bush not realizing the more abundant thorns. No more. Pessimism has given me this freedom to break loose from the chains of naivety and into a world where I see the waste that life truly is. And as life gets more and more shit I will gain more and more courage to do something about living in this dump like before, that will be my greatest and only triumph.
I just wish to die. But I don’t wanna suffer or go through pain. I just wish for my soul to leave this body. Can it please leave this body. What’s forcing me to be inside this body.
I wish to die on my sleep. When I am sleeping its like the only place where I am able to escape my awake phase.
How about never waking up?And staying there. Forever asleeping.
Why? Why? Do I have to live? I feel force to live in my body.
Exactly whats going on? Why am I put at the center of control by my body to live and do things?
I think and feel what makes my soul its sound. Soul its inside sound. If I could escape.
This misery of life.
Work, Study society expectations of us.
And this cravings that my body has.
Can I just sleep forever?
Sleep study? Dream study?
People call suicide “Selfish,”
Well I believe it’s time for me to be selfish.
All this world has done for me is drag me down,
it’s the weight that’s pulling me down to the bottom.
Why should I care about others feelings being hurt,
when they have done nothing to benefit mine.
We’re all going to die sometime,
so why not do it now?
Get it over with,
so the scars of grief caused by our deaths heal,
so our sorrow of being alive will end.