each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
Leslie was sitting at the dinner table waiting for her fiancé, Liam, to get home from work. Leslie works during the night at the Reykjavik Airport. She waited an hour or so, just sitting. Just waiting for him to get home. She was sure that if he was going to be late he would’ve called her. She decides she will wait a little bit longer, hoping to see his car pull up the driveway. She calls his work and sits at the dinner table while the phone rings. Each ring sounds like forever to her. Finally, Christian, Liam’s best friend, picks up. He recognizes Leslie’s voice in a heartbeat. “Hi. Um- i was wondering if Liam was still working? Its Leslie.” He senses the anxiousness in her voice as he replies, “Hi Leslie. He left work about 2 hours ago.” Leslie tenses up as she hears him. “Oh. Um. Okay. Thank you.” Christian says “you’re welcome” as he hangs up the phone. Leslie gets up from her chair and starts pacing the dining room. She walks toward the window to stare out toward the mountains. The beautiful mountain called Hvannadalshnúkur. “It’s such a marvelous view”, she thinks to herself. Her mind starts to wander off when suddenly the phone rings and she jumps out of her daydream. When Leslie picks up the phone she hears a voice, “Hello. Is this Leslie Johnson?” This voice now has Leslie’s full attention. “Speaking”, she replies. “Hello. I am Katherine and I am a nurse at Western Isles Hospital. Your name was listed as an Emergency Contact for Liam Richardson. Is this correct?”, the voice says. Leslie hesitates while replying, hesitant to know the answer, “Yes. Um- pardon. Is Liam alright?” “He was in a car accident and his status is critical. Please come to Western Isles Hospital right away,” she quickly states and hangs up the phone. Leslie runs upstairs and throws on shoes. She pets Dutchess, Charlie Tango, and Mia. She tells Mia and Charlie, “protect the house. I’ll be back.” Charlie curls up into a ball on the couch and Mia sits at the door. Leslie jumps into her BMW and floors it.
Leslie swerves into a parking stall. She removes the keys from the ignition and starts walking towards the entrance. Her mind wanders off to when Liam proposed on December. She remembered when he dropped down to one knee when she was facing the other way. When Leslie turned around he said, ” I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly. We’ll grow old together. Forever and always. My Kitty Kat Leslie, will you marry me?
Leslie comes back to her right mind by the time she reaches the front desk. “I’m here for Liam. My name is Leslie Johnson.” Katherine comes striding down the hall. “I’ll take you to Liam.” Katherine turns tail while Leslie lunges to keep catch up and slows down when she does. Right, left, up the elevator, and all the way to the end of the hall to the last door.. Her eyes start watering as she enters the room. Seeing Liam with an iv coming out of his right arm. His eyes slowly open, glossy yet bright. He makes eye contact with Leslie and he tries smiling. Leslie steps forward and sits in the closest chair, reaching to hold his hand. “One day”, Liam says, “I want kids. Two little boys that can grown up with the kids we have now.” Leslie tears up hearing up, “Yes darling. Anything for you.” She starts scratching the base of his neck, while his eyes close in pleasure. Katherine walks back into the room quietly, “may i speak with you Ms. Johnson? Leslie stands and follows Katherine outside. “Liam is in critical condition,” she begins. “He may not make it through the night.” Leslie wipes the tears from her eyes and forces herself to look at Katherine. She nods her head and walks back to a sleeping Liam and cries. Not the normal crying. The crying where you’re forcing yourself to be silent to not wake anyone.
A woman walks down the hallway and notices Leslie crying. She silently enters and whispers, “Um- Pardon. Are you alright?” Leslie looks directly into her eyes and whispers back, “he’s going to die and we didn’t get to have or wedding yet.” “I am Carly. My husband is Kirk. He is currently getting his chemotherapy done for his cancer. He only has 2 months left.”, she says. “I’m so sorry. Liam,” Leslie looks at Liam, “is not supposed to survive past the night. He proposed to me two months ago.” Carly looks at her ring. “Would you like to get married?” Leslie looks at her with a confused expression. “I can let you borrow our rings. We can call in a chaplain and some nurses.” Leslie’s eyes light up with joy. “Yes. I’d love that and I’m sure Liam would too.”
Carly steps outside and calls in the priest from her church asking for an urgent favor. Leslie wakes Liam and asks if he’d be okay with getting married now? He smiles softly and says, “Yes. Anything for you, My Kitty Kat.” She kisses his forehead and steps out to searches for Katherine. After finding her, she explains the wedding. Katherine is fond of the idea and calls other nurses to be there.
Carly heads downstairs and waits for Father Daniel. The chaplain enters and looks for Carly. They make eye contact and walk toward each other. “Thank you for coming on such short notice.” “Your circumstances needed me,” he replied. She leads him to the room Liam and Leslie are in. “This is Father Daniel.” Father Daniel reaches his hand out to shake Leslie’s. Leslie shakes his hand and looks back at Liam. She mouths, “I love you” and he mouths it in return. She leaves the room to borrow a wedding dress from one of the nurses.
Father Daniel walks to the window and nods at Liam. Leslie walks through the doorway with Katherine’s arm entwined with hers. Another nurse plays A Thousand Years by The Piano Guys(Originally by Christina Perri) while she walks. Liam attempts to sit up and succeeds with the help of Julio. Liam smiles at Leslie, the love of his life. He couldn’t wait to marry her even with the short time he has left with her. Leslie stops next to Liam’s bed and turns to face him. She smiles her warm, loving smile and tilts her head to the right. She begins, “I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly. We’ll grow old together, and always remember. Whether happy or sad or whatever. We’ll still love each other, forever and always.” Liam smiles back at her and speaks softly, “I love you forever, forever and always. Please just remember even if I’m not there. I’ll always love you, forever and always.” Leslie reaches for his hand and holds it softly. Father Daniel glances at both, and begins, “When you commenced this wedding ceremony, you stood before all assembled here as best friends and partners. Through the poignant exchange of wedding vows, you are sealed together in bond of holy wedlock as wife and husband. You may have kissed many times before, but now your kiss is a demonstration of your perpetual love and commitment to each other. Your kiss is also a promise to stand together during the happy times and during times of adversity. May you experience great love, joy and happiness as you walk through life together. May you also have the strength and perseverance to weather the storms that life may bring your way. In celebration of your love and commitment to one another, you may now kiss the bride.”
Leslie bends down and kisses Liam, barely touching his lips. A very light and airy kiss. She places her palm on his cheek and strokes his cheek with her thumb. Liam presses his cheek to her palm and smiles. He closes his eyes slowly and lowers his head. The room goes silent. Beeeeeeeep. Is all they hear. In an instant Leslie is pulled out of the room while Julio and Katherine attempt to revive him.
It takes a minute until Leslie realizes what’s happening. Julio comes out with an expressionless face. “I’m sorry Mrs. Johnson. Liam did not make it.” Leslie sits down against the wall. She tries to keep herself together but she breaks down. Balling her eyes out. Carly comes out and sits next to her. She grabs her hand and squeezes gently. “He is still with you,” she says. “And he will always love you. Forever and Always. Like he said.” Leslie stands up, wiping the tears from her eyes and walks into Liam’s room. She pulls a chair near his bed and sits. She nuzzles her face into the palm of his hand and softly whimpers.
I would do anything in the world to fall asleep right now & stay in my warm comfy bed. Forever.
I’m so frustrated with how tired I get. I want to sleep all day, every day.
And I’m so annoyed that when I FINALLY get up the urge to clean my room, do my work, etc. my parents give me so much crap.
It’s like them giving me crap about my room isn’t enough. They have to give me crap about when and how I clean it.
It makes me soo angry!!
And then when I tell them how annoyed I am. They’re just like, “Well it only takes 5 minutes to clean up your room. I don’t see why you can’t just maintain it, blah blah blah..”
Um… NO! It doesn’t take 5 minutes when you actually organize and not just stuff things out of sight. I can barely clean i every 2 weeks, how do you expect me to maintain it?
I have school, a job, I look after the kids, I clean the rest of the freaking house.
When do I have time to do stuff for me?! I barely have time to sleep!
I get a maximum of 4 hours of sleep a day. That means that I’m only getting about 30 hours of sleep during the week. A week is 168 hours!
Do parents just expect us the be freaking superman or something?
Yours, Forever and Always
The Girl Who Needs An Anger Management Class
I want to become mute to everyone. Forever. But I don’t know how. I have friends and stuff, I just get really worried about saying the wrong thing all the time. My shitty life would be easier if I just stopped talking. I did this with my friends for a bit and they understood and it defenatly helped so if you have any advice on how to go mute to everyone,-teachers, parents etc, could you post a comment? It would be really helpful, thanks. I’m just starting year 9, I don’t know if that makes things more difficult or not, I dunno. But anyway, thanks.
So, there’s been news about the possibility of a head transplant within a few years, and advances in stem cell science. With the possibility of immortality dangled before you, will you reconsider your decision?
Ignoring the scientific feasibility:
Would you see immortality as infinite chances to try again and improve your standing?
Would you see it as eternal suffering?
At least tell me if you can’t help
Can you help toward guide me
You know that we’re still, friends
Forever, I don’t know what’s you delio
Living in the dog-house, the monkey
Doesn’t walk-around anymore is me
Goddamned, don’t let me curse, anymore
What about, your other pal, then
I need the collaboration to termination
Of a, of, of a, reptilian
And I am, the ancient, living, now I know
Of the existence through, this pain that none a soul
I will conquer, I’m talking, out of this blue
Retribution is not a vengeance
Why does it say, see a snake, do you still follow
In the detail, I’m talking about, out of this blue
On to another, hey, you know the only thing of that I need
I am an Albatross, help me unchain melody
Your voice was the only thing that could calm me down. When I was on the bathroom floor with a bottle of pills and a cold blade in my hand, you were there. You called me and just hearing your voice made me relax and breath. You changed me but you left. I have no idea who i am anymore or what my purpose is. Im lost without you by my side. I cry everyday at the thought that i wont be hearing your voice before i fall asleep. I wont be hearing your voice when i wake up. I wont be getting any sweet texts from you anymore. I wont get anything. I wont have anything. I gave you my heart and you left. My life is going to shit right now and you have no idea how hard it is for me to wake up in the mornings now. I have shitty grade to the point i might not be able to graduate. I got kicked off the fire department because of it. I lost you. You were the only thing keeping me together. You were keeping me alive, I woke up every morning with the thought that someone out there loved me, and that was you. But you left. You left like everyone else. You just threw our relationship out the window like it was nothing. And now im starting to think that you never even cared about it or me. You told me you loved me…was that a lie? Was everything a lie just to get what you wanted from me? The thoughts of suicide are coming back into my head. Every day. Every second of the day. I dont want to leave but i find no purpose in life anymore. I need you here with me. I want you. You made me happy. You made me feel protected and safe. You made me feel like i was wanted here in this world. But your gone and i cant get you back no matter how hard i try. No matter what i say, i know for a fact you wont take me back…I miss you more than anything. So this is my goodbye. Tonight at 6:00pm Im gonna end everything. Im gonna take away my pain and others pain. No one will have to deal with me. No one will have to put up with my shit. Im done. Its over. I just dont wanna see the pain in my dads face when he finds me tonight. I know for a fact he will be the one finding me because hes the captain of the fire department and hes working tonight. Ill be home alone which will be the best time to do it. Ill be writing a letter to my now ex boyfriend telling him how sorry i am for ever being in his life. That im sorry for causing him pain. For putting up with my shit. For everything. But this is my last goodbye. I will be back one last time before i end everything. My life is over and i dont see a future for me anymore. Im sorry. Goodbye.
“Taken My Whimsicality To The Death, Albator”
Falling in my realm
Will you be my friend
Whom that it come along to
Can I sing
But most of all, can you know
I can sing, no more
Keep on looking, keep on searching
For a better way, for a better day
Can I bust another, deepen, sunken
Into the realm, an astral that canned
Dead, he wears the skull and the card
The spades of the world overtaken
Obliterated into your abyss
The neon to the lost veil
In life there is a battle of all
Albator and a Cyborg
I will fall into, the singularity
What if we were in a realm
And it was Albator versus Multiple F@gg-Man
That would be a scary adversary, crazy f*****t
But then like a Cyborg give me my football-helmet
I’m an MMA bullet but I rather run like a horse
What if I wore a pistol, into the phantom
But what’s going to happen, in real life
Sinking pure beneath the sands, I’ve call pure direst
Seven years to celestial, fated and faith
Just a chained Albatross…
I don’t know where to go from here. Last night my mother found my instagram page. It had nothing bad on it but she freaked out. Look at my account is Mozar121. Anyways then she wanted to all of my accounts to everything, my email, facebook, everything and when I told her no she didn’t like that and told me to move out. I said I will if that means I don’t have to see you and then I was walking out the door when my dad showed up. We talked for a while which I never do but I told him somethings I’ve never told anyone. After all that I was feeling better but now whenever I see my mother I feel like wanting to kill myself. I can’t stand looking at her and I just need help on how to avoid the thing that will happen if I do keep seeing her. Help me please.
If your reading this i just need to get this out
I miss feeling loved, needed or cared about. Â I had this freidn that would make me fill like I was the most special person on the world that I was worth more than a million bucks. Â But now I think I’m obsessed over this girl. Â We were so close, both helping each other with life and our difficult pasts. Â But then someone close to her died and she just stopped caring about me. Â WE use to write letter to each other every day but when i mention them to her you think they were the a disease. Â We barely talk anymore and when you do you never thing she had once called me her saviour her guardian angle her sister. Â Yet she says everything the same that she still cares about me that she just to busy with school. Â But i can only believe her for a little before i stop convincing my self then admit to my self she lying. Â SHE promised to never lie to me. Â Yet I know she is she doesn’t look at me the same way any more like she use to she doesn’t ask how I’m doing or about the cuts and scars on my arm. Â I’d do anything for this girl, give my life if i had to. I love her more than iv loved anyone else I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and i know I’m young and have the my whole life ahead of me but I don’t think its possible to love anyone more than i loved her because if it was my heart would explodes. Â My life is meaningless with out her no joy or happiness i littler cried the last 6 months none stop i can’t go to school can’t work I’m just taking up time and space. Â I need a way out i need to end it my life has already ended when she stopped being my friend now I’m just here, meaninglessly living. I;m already dead in the inside i just need a way to be dead on the out side to
How do you get over it? How do you come to gripes with the fact that no one wants to be with you?…how do you attract people..or expect them to ignore your scars? How do you ask someone to be your shoulder to cry on?
Do others cry like you and I? Do they sigh when passed by passersby? Or when the cool kids give an awkward eye?
I’m 20. I wonder if its too late for me to learn how to make friends.
Hello *echo, echo*
Is there anyone out there?…Anybody
Fuck that person named Carlos,with his ugly druggy piece of shit,waste of space,self.You disgust me,I spit In the mirror when I see you.Finally Always & Forever Fuck you Carlos.
A month In a half ago,I almost overdosed on pcp.I smoked two wet sticks by myself.I could’ve stopped on the first one but I didn’t feel high enough.That day I had the truck pretty much all day with my friends getting high,drunk and on wet.My friends and I smoked six wet sticks that day.I was pretty messed up driving and stuff but I could still maintain,even long drives on the freeway that night.I went back to the house.I was cleaning the truck and I saw that my friend left to wet sticks In there so I started to smoke them. After the second one I stayed outside lost as fuck cause I kept thinking I’m forgetting something.Then at times I’d forget where I was at.If anyone was outside that day,they’d see me as a wack job right now cause I kept pasting wondering what I was forgetting.I was so scared that If I closed my eyes I wasen’t gonna wake up that I actually called the suicide hotline telling them that I had changed my mind.I told them that I wanted to overdose but I change my mind,what do I do,I don’t wanna die.They told me call back when I’m sober.Geez thanks for the fucking help!!I wasen’t trying to overdose,I just wanted to get out of this world.I remember looking In the mirror but I couldn’t look at myself dead In the eyes.My heart was beating like crazy.I went outside and I told God please don’t take me,I’m sorry I won’t ever do drugs again.I went to sleep two hours later sitting down.Two days later,I smoked two wet sticks with my friend.The only reason why I smoked It Is because the person that we get It from robbed us.He didn’t take my phone but he took my friends phone and his money.He told me I had three seconds to get out of there or he was gonna start shooting at the truck.I slammed on the pedals and put my head down.I was like fuck this I can’t stay sober after what just happened.I have life gets better tattoed on my rib cage but does It really??Is this God’s way of saying you didn’t stay sober so this Is what you get.But life didn’t really changed.I’m still In the same shit.I wanna live but theres nothing to live for.Everyday I’m so fucking depressed.Everytime I talk to a girl I think of her,everytime I think of her I just wanna get In the shower and cut,cut,cut,cut,cut.Everytime I think of her I just wanna die.I’m not good enough for her,I’m not good enough for my parents.I’m a piece of shit.The truth Is
now looking back at It,I wished I overdosed.
I don’t know why she won’t let me leave, the schooling that I’ve had hasn’t taught me to write. I will never be able to talk again, either. Sometime ago, right before we moved out to wherever the hell we are, I had managed to escape the place we lived and ran. I never made it far. Maybe two blocks down, she grabbed me (this is about 3 am) dragged me back to the house and tied me down. Then, she continued to drug me and said ” This is gonna hurt but try not to get blood on my shirt would ya?” She took out a sharp knife and pried open my mouth, I was scared and screaming. I didn’t know what she was going to do to me. I started to scream and cry. I was squirming, thrashing around, she told me that if I struggled, it would hurt worse. Then the drugs kicked in and I felt heavy, I couldn’t move but everything seemed more intense; her weight on me, that before was nothing, seemed to be crushing me, the ropes around my wrists and ankles seemed to be sawing them off. Seeing the effects, she pried my mouth open once more, branded her large knife and slashed at my tongue, after what seemed like hours, my tongue had changed from normal to something of a stump at the top of my throat. She had stopped the bleeding, long enough to pack all our stuff and we moved to where we are now. When she isn’t around, I attempt to talk, but all that comes out are pathetic attempts at speak. Maybe one day I can find away to speak, at least now I’ve found away to tell my story, even if no one listens.
I use to picture what it would be like if I had if I didnt have most of my problems. Would I be different? Yes. Would I feel better? Yes. Will it ever happen? No. I use to think it will get better one day. That was the first year when everything started. Now I have up wishing. I started getting bullied in 5th grade. It was just little things at first. “You’re ugly” “you’re fat” but as the years went by it started getting worse. Almost everyone in my grade was bullying me. The people who didn’t knew but they didn’t stop them. Everyone would throw stuff, push me, talk shit about me, spread rumors about me, one person even almost broke my arm. I stuck through it all, waited till I got home to cry. None of my family knew. I remember asking my mom in 7th grade if I could change schools. I was even crying. She said everybody was just messing around. I gave up asking for help then. Once I got in highschool it stopped. I even started making friends. I thought I was gettin better. I was wrong. All my “friends” ended up sharing my secrets to other people. They started turning against me. They broke my trust. See i wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m probably the nicest person you could meet. I don’t judge anyone, only by their actions. I always even put everyone before myself. I ended up just “wearing a mask” to hide my feelings. Everyone thinks I’m happy, even my family. But I’m not. That same year I was walking him and I ended up getting pulled in this guys car. He raped me. I felt so dirty like it was my fault. Since I felt that way I told my mom I had sex. I wanted to be blamed because I didn’t want my family thinking I’m some great kid. I wanted EVERYBODY to see me as a horrible kid because everyone made me feel that way in the first place…. My insecurity was horrible, I couldn’t trust anyone, I never felt happy.. It just all sucked. the next month I tried killing myself. I couldn’t even finish that correctly): I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for about 2 weeks. The starting of school in October I started feeling really paranoid, my moods were out of control, I started seeing and hearing things that weren’t there and many other things. My psychiatrist and therapist I’ve been having for awhile, in December they diagnosed me not bipolar but paranoid schizophrenic. It was one of the worst days of my life.. I got pulled out of school for awhile. I barely tried to start school again last week. Once again everyone ignored me or laughed at me. On Wednesday I wanted to try committing suicide again. I was going to but my mom just got home and I knew she was going to come check up on me. So I couldn’t.. I had no time. The next day I went to school. I ended up having a panic attack and crying loud in 1st period. I got sent to my counselor and I told her every thing. She called my parents and they took me home after a while. My dad has always been verbally abusive to me but I finally got scared for once. He started yelling one inch from my face(even spitting) an he called me an attention whore and a manipulated *****. I ended up telling him I hate him and in my eyes he’s not my father. Yesterday he moved out… I feel worthless, guilty for living cause all I do is make things wrong. I just want to die. Nobody would miss me. I have no one. All I do is sit in my room all day. Just listening to music. That’s all I can do. I just give up. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Its been ages since i last wrote on here.
+++ Nothing has changed… Will i be like this forever?
I am still suffering from depression, stopped counselling because it wasn’t helping; but i realized recently i just wasn’t patient enough and i still continue to self harm as a coping method to help me through the mood swings and hatred.
On the plus side… i passed my gcses and started college- which is why my dad says i have no need to cut or be sad. Clearly he doesn’t understand what depression is…
What gets everyone through each horrible night and past the demons?
Love. It’s such a simple thought, yet it’s so complicated. We spend our whole lives looking for that one person. That one person that loves you unconditionally. That one person that wants to be with you forever. That one person that understands.
I found this person 7 months ago. He’s perfect, absolutely perfect. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. He understands i’m manic depressive. He understands I sometimes need my space. He understands I’ll be suicidal. It’s a feeling of content in your heart, when you know you’ve found the one and only person you want to be with forever.
It seems he’s the only person in my life who wants to help me find hapiness. And that he does, he makes me happy, though I hope it’s not just the manic in me talking.
I don’t know how I could live without him
This man has honestly saved my life.
He’s my angel.
Nothing is forever
Everything i want disapears
Nothing is forever take my soul
take my heart
they are weak
from pain of
Nothing is forever
like your body your soul
your soul will be in
the land of forever
forgotten In a beutiful land you willl see the ones that didnt last forever your loved ones the you loved and they loved you the most.
You wont last forever
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Everything hurts. The secrets I can’t tell anyone, and no one cares at all. Who do I turn to? How do I say the words to someone, someone I trust, that is going to make them understand? Who would I tell? WhoÂ can I trust? How do I get even one minute with them only three days before school is out? I’m going to die this summer. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t stand my life anymore, my mind… I have secrets that are killing me, literally. I’m going to die because I can’t take knowing the things I know. And even if I did summon the courage to tell someone, I’ll just hate that someone knows something about me like that who won’t be around forever. What do I do? And why can’t I find any answers? This hurts. The emotional pain is merging with the physical side of me, and I can’t stand it anymore. What other option is there for relief other than death? I have to die. I just hope suicide really won’t send me to hell.
So, what happenedâ€¦ Thursday night, I downed a bottle of medicine, because someone three fries short of a happy meal wrote on a website that â€œliquid is absorbed faster than pills.â€ So I thoughtâ€¦ I die faster, and I fall asleep before I suffer. So much for that ideaâ€¦
Obviously, my plan didnâ€™t work. I didnâ€™t have to go to the hospital or anything, though. I downed it, and my heart was pounding, to the point that I just knew I was going to die. So I laid down in bed, pulled the covers over my head, turned on Relient K, and tried to go to sleep. Yes, I did go to sleep, and I woke up feeling likeâ€¦ Iâ€™ve never been drunk, but Iâ€™m sure the feeling is very similar.
Something very interesting happened the next day, though; a girl in my Psychology class, whom I was once best friends with in elementary school, once shared friendship necklaces with me and another girl. Shelby moved, but BJ, from my class, we just never saw eye-to-eye after third grade. Sitting in the gym that day, since our class has went to help clean it up from the yearly exams,Â I hear BJ say to another girl, but to me as well, â€œMe and Jessie used to be BFFs in grade school.â€ And she asked me if I still had my necklace. I remember, it was a purple seal, with what I think was a heart on its nose that it was balancing. Each said BEST, FRIENDS, and FOREVER. I had FRIENDS, because I was in love with that word when I was little, considering how hard I tried to hold onto it. Shelby had BEST, and BJ had FOREVER. Ironically, I gave her the tail one, because I didnâ€™t figure on her being around very long. This day, she said, â€œI still have that necklace. Do you?â€
I didnâ€™t. I told her I did, because I was ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid for having thrown it out? Or maybe lost it? Iâ€™m not sure what happened to it. Either way, I knew one of two things had happened. Either it had gotten thrown into some garbage that survived through all the years, or maybe there was a part of our time together that she wanted to hold onto, to remember. And when youâ€™re sitting there, thinking how stupid you are that you canâ€™t even kill yourself right, and what method youâ€™re going to choose this night to do it right, you start to pray that it was the later reason. I was sitting there, literally thinking about how to kill myself, and someone gives the audacity to think that maybe someone cared. As Iâ€™ve mentioned before, I stick to my notebook at school. When we got back to the room, I wrote, â€œI almost wonder if that was a sign from Godâ€¦â€
So, I lived, with one more memory to erase from my mind of a failed attempt at my life. The question now isâ€¦ do I try to go continue on, going by what may or may not have been a sign that I need to? Or do I quit now, while Iâ€™m still not afraid to die?