I have been totally broke down for four years now. I really don’t have any idea what will bring me back to life. I’ve tried, but I have not been able to do it. I don’t want to be this way for the rest of my life, but it is very well possible that I will be.
When I say I am broken, I mean that I do not feel alive. I don’t feel depressed either, and that’s not to say in any way that I am therefore happy. Broken is the best word. I don’t know what is sustaining me and that fact that I was able to learn some of a new skill over the last few years baffles me.
I think of it more like a disability like cerebral palsy than a mental illness, though that is undoubtedly in there too.
When I let my mind wander it invariably goes to thoughts of suicide, and quickly. I don’t have to do it so I don’t. I just don’t know what I have to look forward to.