If we are going to continue to have a society in which 1. teens think they have no other option but to off themselves, and 2. we need to neglect the poor further because people like the Trumps and Waltons need a few hundred million more, well, the second coming can’t come soon enough for this miserable fucking planet.
Post-analysis: I’m sorry for anyone who reads through this.. it’s an utter bullshit and compared to other really serious posts here it seems out of place..but it might help me pick myself up again and i can’t just post this on facebook can I
Hi there, me again with my bullshit (and my bad english). It’s always the same deal with me. Time to time I feel like I’m slowly decomposing from the inside and it’s always in the worst time possible. Right now I’m in my most difficult year on Uni, studying mechanical engineering. I’m 23 y.o, have loving family and some friends from uni. What is y0ur problem then you might ask, you have everything you could’ve ever hoped for. Well for me it is and always has been the same thing and that is my struggle with girls. I’ve never had a girlfriend (yes, I’m a virgin) even though I tried (and got burned) a couple of times. Because my specialization is technical I’m spending a lot of time at school and even though we have got an entire building (different faculty) full of attractive girls, I can see them only through the windows. We have 3 girls in total in our year(and all of them are out of the question). My friend recommended me (even though as a joke only) tinder and badoo so I made my accounts there. It didn’t take a long time and i got plenty of matches, I guess I’m an average looking, kind of skinny guy with not great hair (also started to go to the gym to work on my self-esteem). I’ve got to say I’m not expecting much out of these “dating apps” but still tried to work something out with it. It seems it’s hard to get someone to talk to you and when you do they usually decline the date and even when they don’t, when they find out that i have almost zero experience it’s like an instant turnoff (it’s like REALLY embarrassing but i’m not hiding it when they ask, it would be even more embarrassing if they would find out themselves and to start off on a lie isn’t a great thing imho). There has been two times I’ve been out with someone from tinder and only one of those would I even consider a date (it went really well imho). We even started to plan a second one but suddenly she didn’t answer. So I left it (i won’t beg anyone for a date, they either want or don’t want) and now I’m at the beginning again and getting kind of frustrated. I think it won’t really work for me at all. I’m starting to see a lot of couples everywhere I look on the streets. My friend at school is always bitching to me about how he can’t find a girlfriend.. but he gets his every month from someone else. That’s maybe irritating me more than anything. What the fuck am I doing wrong, what does he have that i don’t, do i need to work out more, should i be more direct, should i take it slower, should i just give it up and let it eat me? I should definitely focus on the school but I can’t. It always ends up with me wandering why am I such a loser at my age and thinking about what I did wrong again that she didn’t respond.
It’s like in that song from Prozak (million miles) <Living in these dark times, it’s hard to stop these dark rhymes. It seems that we have lost before we’ve even crossed the start line>
PS: you might think I’m too picky.. I really don’t know if I am.. I am doing sports or going to the gym my whole life.. I would like a girlfriend that takes care of herself, that isn’t fat.. I even tried the opposite and it really didn’t work out
Welp, it’s been three years since the last time I visited this site. I’m in a pretty similar scenario too: feigning illness to get out of school and be alone at home, debating what my next action should be. It’s so frustrating that I keep feeling unsatisfied , like something is missing. I have friends, caring ones at that, good grades. Hell, I even have a girlfriend now, whether that’s for better or for worse. But I still struggle to feel attached or feel compassion for anything. Sure, in the moment I can forget about my desire to be wiped off this existence, but it always comes back, it’s always lingering right around the corner.
I care, I really do, about the well being of others. That’s part of the reason I am deathly (that’s ironic) terrified of just up and offing myself. I hate disappointing others. I don’t want to kill myself if it means crushing my friends, my family, or anyone who cares. Ideally, I hope to isolate myself from everyone, and finally be in a place where my suffering can only hurt myself. Where there is no potential for anyone to ever find out how I really feel.
Reflecting, I suppose there are several reasons as to why I’ve progressed to my current state of mind. Recently a member of my area’s Summer high school Stage program committed suicide. He was a senior who had been accepted into a prestigious college. I didn’t know him, nor had I ever done the program, but a few of my friends had knew him. It didn’t have any effect on me, but I saw how distraught some of the others were, even people who hadn’t spoken to him in a year. I’m not entirely sure that I can relate to his suffering, but I had reaffirmed to myself that I wouldn’t let my death bring sadness or pain to anyone else.
This last week has been probably my worst yet. I’ve given in to to a despair and given up on my school work. This is from a student in the top ten of his class for high school. I can’t say that I haven’t enjoyed any of my classes, but I can never motivate myself to be productive and work to my best effort. My mother has always pushed for me to be one of the academically best, and it is for her and my fear of disappointing her that I have always pushed for the challenging workload. Unfortunately, I feel as though I have let Mark Twain down, and let my education interfere with my learning. My schedule is so fucked up with honor societies and homework and projects that I never find time for relaxing/self-meditation or following my passion that I am pursuing in college: music. At this time though, I’ve fallen so behind on due dates and classwork that my only savior is the early Spring (or perhaps it’s more of a late Winter) recess in which we are getting next week off.
I now sit here, pondering my next move. As of right now, I am almost genuinely considering all my options with equal possibility of being carried out. I’ve never brought significant self-harm to myself before, but it has become awfully tempting in recent light. Last night was the first time that I seriously considered misusing or even attempting an overdose on otc drugs. I was a lot closer than I’d like to admit, searching what combinations had what effects, with a few cold and pain relievers at my bedside. I’ve considered sharing my feelings to someone, but my biggest fear is to be treated like i can’t be dependent, or that I would disappoint my family or friends for being this way. At the same time, though, it gnaws away at me to have all of this bottled up to myself. I want to run away, to disappear from everyone’s life, to be where it what I do won’t matter anymore.
This… this has helped. I can say that I feel less frustrated than when I started this post. Admittedly, this was not meant to be so long. I felt I was too flustered to even describe how I felt. A few sentences turned into a paragraph, which then created a few others. My deepest thanks for anyone taking time for reading the dark secrets of my mind.
Are the people of society today kidding me? Like what is wrong with them all? Is it really funny to throw grapes at people while they’re talking to someone and it is none of their business to do anything like that?
A long while back earlier on the bus ride home from my high school I was pelted with grapes. There were no more than three, that hit but obviously were aimed at me and they were laughing about it! Is it really so funny to you to pick on people smaller and younger than you? For your information, and if I could snap my fingers I would, I am a sophomore, I am almost sixteen years old and compared to you, I am no more a kid than you are. You need to get off that high horse of laughter that allows you to hit me with grapes.
Some people really have no decency these days. Like I already have a headache and then those people begin hitting me with grapes because they think it’s funny that I have a worsening headache because of their shenanigans.
Little unedited note of my thoughts:
What is wrong with those people. I completely and full-heartedly enjoy being pelted by grapes. If it were just one, it must have been a mistake, if it were two, it’d be a bit too much especially with those laughs, three, that’s it, I am going up there and telling the supervisor, and oh they’ve already left but I don’t care I’ll still tell. They need to grow up. I like feel like crying out of frustration.
I guess it’s a bit of an over reaction but for one, I don’t like having things thrown at me, especially when I don’t know about it, and two I don’t like grapes. It’s just a little frustrating. People should know respect, and goodness I am somewhat sad to be apart of the same generation as them. They didn’t even try to hide the fact they were laughing! They could have at least done that but no.
Also on another totally unrelated note, was I the only one who didn’t know that the lifts or those huge bumps in the bus floor were for the tires?
Because now I feel dumb. Cause my friend was like, “How do you not know that?! What did you think they were? Floor decorations or something?”
“Kind of? They were just there, I never thought too much about it…”
I guess it’s cause I don’t pay too much attention to things like that cause I am too busy escaping the real world and noticing other little strings of information instead, like the licence plate on the car in front of us and comparing it to my family’s licence plate. I don’t know, I just feel stupid now…but y’know all is totally just completely fine, haha!
I’m never good enough, I never make the right decisions, according to everyone else. I managed to pull A’s and B’s out of my ass when my mother passed away. I went back to classes two weeks after my entire life was destroyed before my eyes and yet I passed a university semester with flying colors. So, I tell my parents, being my step mother and father that I want to take an aerial silks class to, you know..do something for myself for once. I am a straight A student, I personal train three days a week and I hold a really good job, and yet when I mentioned a class I wanted to take, let alone the fact that it is only once a week, I get the typical “But you have classes!” “Will you be able to handle that?” and my thought is “YES! now get off of my god damn back” Im a young adult, I have my own house, I pay my own bills, I have a lot of responsibility for someone so young. So, when I get knocked down after bringing up one idea, yeah I get a little pissed off. Give me a fucking break (excuse my language) but it’s frustrating. Just let me be my own self for once, I always feel like I have to have my step mothers approval for everything when I don’t.
So, I paid for eight weeks of classes and I’m really excited. And it is stupid that I feel good about starting up and yet guilty that my parents don’t know I signed up. I feel this urge of “I don’t care what you think!” I mean, I just always want my parents to be proud of me but I’m not going to let my step mother control everything I do. I love her to death and she’s literally the only mom I have left but that’s not a reason to let her get into my head. I don’t know why I’m ranting about this, am I crazy?
I’ve honestly grown quite the back bone, maybe too much of a back bone. An innocent girl who doesn’t tolerate attitude of any sort, but when it comes to my step mother I feel conquered all the time. Almost defeated. I can’t describe it.
I just want people to be happy for me. I want to be happy for me.
I wish to terminate the continuance of a certain existence,
though it is obvious that the identity is of someone regarding myself,
I do not wish to expose the exact identity of the person[s] involved.
So I will simply yield this Inquisition:
The hour grows short; hasten your responses
Before I write my post, I just want to say how relieving this place is. Strangely enough, every time I write a bit, after I feel better for a while. It’s like if writing a bit once in a while was a drug. But it feels goddam good to tell the world.
Sometimes I wonder why we should trust people. I have incredibly big trust issues. I really do not know who to trust. Ever.
Not my family, thats for sure… I can’t stand their judgemental “advice” .
My friends; Â I have many but none I can really truthfully talk to.
My best friend; I don’t know her sometimes. Some nights, we can spend a whole night cuddling and not caring about anyone else. It’s beautiful. Other times, like now… She just flies away. And I try and try to reach to her, to see what is going on. And I am often very frustrated. I feel like I do all the effort. I am mad. I feel no recognition and she gives more to other people… I want to be mad. I want to be frustrated. I want to scream and tell her how I really feel but I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to go through that like I have had to do with other people. I don’t want to be mad, I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want to control her or to make her feel like that is what I am doing or trying to do. I don’t want to guilt trip her. I don’t want her to feel used. I don’t want this to be unhealthy.
I’ve seen too many unhealthy relationships around me. Too many unhappy people complaining about abusive relationships.
This is not an abusive relationship. This can be healthy… I just feel so unsure most of the time. Very alone too.
Alone. No one to talk to. Except this website with a few viewers. I want a new friend who I can tell this too. I don’t want to have to write it down.
I want to express myself.
I want to live happy.
I want to be happy.
but not lonely
Is that possible?
Fear, Frustration,Â AngerÂ and Heart Break changes that.
Have you ever been so excited and so alive with one person yet for no apparent reason they just leave and everything changes? One day you guys are doing so much and are so happy that you can’t leave that person behind, because you think that there isn’t anyone as loving like them or enjoy each other’s company? You’ve done almost everything together and feels like nobody can ever replace them? Then one day, you both wake up. They leave you behind for other people. They lie; make excuses. Then they or another person tells you that they never met you… You don’t and never existed in their life before. They pretend that none of those memories ever existed. Your heart breaks when you hear those words. You don’t want to understand, or you actually don’t understand, because you are just so blinded by the good old times and everything that you had feared literally came true.
Even when you tried to move on, you can’t, only because there isn’t anyone in your life that can make you believe that they will never leave. You grow up and you believe that no one will ever love you. You are just so depressed that when others want to spend time with you, you already know, that they will never last.
Even when you do try, your suffering. You push them away only because you either blame them for leaving and/or you blame yourself for trusting them or not warning them that you’re just a waste of time.
Doing everything wrong, trying to fix things, and having no faith.
You want to believe, but you just can’t because you already went through it a few times.
My first experience: Â Trusting and believing that who ever was worth trusting was my everything. Thought that person was never, ever going to leave. But things changed. And trying to hold on, just made things worse. Tried fixing things, but person never budged in. Like I said, things worsened. Being so frustrated, and so much anger building inside. I changed, I acted like a jerk just to get that person’s attention. Tried to step up, but couldn’t. I used to have limits on what not to do, but after I couldn’t get their attention, I messed up pretty badly.
It sucks because even when I wanted to change for the good, I couldn’t. It is like I had a grudge. It is like I made a promise, even when that person broke it and ended their promise. For me to let go was the toughest thing to do.
The second time, I had let someone in, I was still afraid. About one to two years our relation/friendship grew…Â But after awhile, fear came over me again. I tried to push him out of my life, just for the best for that him. I don’t believe I am a good person, just because. It was worse, we were teenagers and I fell in love with him and we did try to just let â€œusâ€ be. We were distanced but we tried. I annoyed him though by pushing him away all the time, and trying to explain to him to never leave me. I mean yea, I pushed him, but I tried to tell him. Even so, he would always come back. He was blinded.
I tried to believe, I tried to believe that maybe, he wouldn’t leave. It took awhile though. But before I knew it, I was too late. Still am.
Yeah, I am the type of person that if we met in real life. I would push you away. Just because I am just so used to the pain and so used to suffering and blaming myself for everything. Even if it wasn’t my fault, I’ll still find a way to pin everything on myself.
Kinda pathetic having this realization from an anime of all things but it actually spoke to me better than most people can. Anyways its this show called Watamote and it just had its final episode. Its about social anxiety ,loneliness, generally just things that I could relate these past few years (frustration from trying to make friends, no love life, no sense of fulfillment) which is the reason I started watching it and basically it ended on the note that after all she did nothing has changed and shes still lonely but the thing is she just laughs it off and says “it doesnt matter anyway” and accepting it. So I thought maybe I really should just do the same and just accept my self and how the things are in my life and just try to be happy in my way (mostly through my hobbies I suppose) its not like I care about others anymore anyways so why should I even waste a thought on them? I have been trying all this time trying to catch a break and find the happiness that I have envisioned for my self but clearly that isn’t happening anytime soon(or ever) so maybe I should just stick to the small stuff I like to do? those things don’t last yes but at least they helps me get my mind off all this friggin bullshit in my life(for example feeling useless and pathetic again because I was just told a while ago I wont be graduating this year EITHER making it my 7th year in my 4 YEAR course in college ) I’d rather live my life in ignorant bliss than have all these ideas of how I “should” live my life haunt me and If I die Â still a pathetic loser, who gives a fuck? certainly not other people who don’t even acknowledge me. They don’t matter to me. hell the only thing that I do care about are my parents(they’re good people, still supportive even if i’m the way I am and I HATE being a burden to them and I want to AT LEAST pay them back for all they do for me someday) and if I’m just waiting for my life to end might as well enjoy the things that are actually good on this planet like food,shows,art and gaming(we aren’t rich or anything but at least I was born in a family that can provide me with such things that’s at least one thing i’m grateful for as well, taking to account that I live in a 3rd world country)
I’m soÂ depressedÂ today ,I’m all alone.Everyone’s so pretty and happy.What the f*** am I? A f***in loser that can never stay happy for no longer than 5 minutes.Kill myself.It’s the only solution.People never help me and I can’t help myself anymore,I’m tired . No one actually needs me . If I were to killÂ myselfÂ sure some people would cry but No one has EVER made me feel wanted or loved.
â€œ…anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic.â€
â€• C.G. Jung
And thus, i have discovered the most refined and concise words to express the source of my frustration.
Upon first reading it, i read: “to adjust his group,” instead of “adjust TO his group.” Both are valid, in different ways.
But what if my individual goal is to achieve the requirement of adjusting my group (or perhaps the entire world), in order to gain access to a particular configuration of circumstances that would be required to enable my actual individual goals?
What if adjusting my group is the prerequisite? What if my individual goals are blocked by what currently exists beyond myself? What if i have to manipulate the external circumstances, in order to achieve my inner purpose?
Perhaps being reminded of Slipknot’s song “Before I Forget,” and the line that says “i am a world, before i am a man…” was the spark for this thought.
What if i am literally a world, before i am a man? What if the requirements of fulfillment, require first adjusting my group (and also myself to my adjusted group), setting up the environment for a series of tasks to be completed, and then later setting out to complete them?
This is a dilemma. I can’t do both. There is not enough time and energy. There are not enough readily available resources.
How do i resolve this conflict? And no, i can’t choose. I can’t choose to only pursue individual goals, because they are blocked by the group. I cannot choose to integrate into the group, because doing so requires conforming to unacceptable parameters, in ways that cause and perpetuate suffering, without offering suitable or sufficient rewards. In order to voluntarily integrate into the group that i find very wrong, there must be a reasonably justifiable expectation of gains that would be worth that degree of increased and prolonged suffering. There must be reasonable expectations of my “price” being met. I must believe that what i would gain, would be worth compromising my principles and integrity, and voluntarily participating in a group that has until now only produced and perpetuated my misery. In order to integrate in such a painful way (adjust to my group), i must reasonably expect a justifiable gain. But i do not. I cannot. To do so, would be unreasonable.
So, there are only two options:
A) Both integration and personal fulfillment
B) Neither (which is likely to result in misery and ultimately death)
So it HAS TO BE (A). There is no other option.
The group resists change, and i lack the resources to impose it, and lack the time to wage and win a war of attrition.
This is the crux of my dilemma.
There is no readily available or identifiable solution. There is no “help.” Very few people, if any at all, have even approached understanding this dilemma, though i would surmise that many do indeed perceive encountering it. It’s just that most choose to conform, to integrate into a society that is “better than nothing.” But i can’t do that. Because there are many things i would change, which changes would be motivated by the fact that i’m not so sure that integration with a system i can’t accept, would be “better than nothing.” I suppose it is “good enough” for lots of people… but i’m not lots of people.
So where is the “help,” where are the “solutions,” for the fringe outliers similar to myself? We are an underrepresented minority, with very few, if any advocates.
I would not be content with spending my entire life amidst the struggles of trying to change a world that wants to remain as it is. I would not be content with choosing to integrate, purely for the “selfish” purpose of exploiting any available advantage, for purely personal gains, while completely ignoring, or even adding to the perpetuation of the very system i find so unacceptable and loathsome.
It’s like i’m always forced to choose between either defense or offense… but in ways where choosing one, either negates or disables the other. To attack, i must expose myself as vulnerable. To defend, i must refrain from attempting to apply force to areas which need to be altered.
Then it hit me:
Kung Fu (and Tai Chi, and probably other “styles,” to some extent) is all about seamlessly integrating the two, so that one is not forced to choose either/or, but can defend while advancing, side-stepping, or retreating… or advance/sidestep/retreat while defending, or defend while attacking, or attack while defending. One of the prime directives is to maintain fluidly defensible positioning from every position, and to never over-extend. My only ‘legit’ instructor once called it “the art of opening and closing.” This applies to both the self and the opponent(s). Retreat should never be the correct option, unless i find myself in an indefensible stance or position, facing an insurmountable or a particularly disadvantaged situation; which is almost always classified as “a mistake,” and should not occur in correct employment of the aforementioned tactics. There should not be an exploitable opening created by any attack. There should not be an inability to exploit an opening, due to defense. Both should occur simultaneously, fluidly, as needed, in a way that provides the best possible action for each perpetually changing circumstance. In theory, theory should work in practice; but in practice, theory is not always practical.
Still, the idea of integrating both self-defense and application of force to a target, is the core of the ideal. We should be able to do both at once, rather than being forced to choose, by our environment, and by our opponents, and by our own lack of self-control, due to lack of development, or damage from prior impacts.
So… how do i integrate both my pursuit of personal goals, as well as my requirement to both adjust my group, and also adjust TO my group?
How can i Live? What can i Do? How can i do it?
There must be a viable way to integrate both pursuits… because choosing only defense, or only offense, will only ensure my own doom.
I need an immediately profitable action, which also allows, and does not disable, pursuit and ultimate achievement of the long-term goals. I need them to occur simultaneously, in order to achieve either of them.
I need both immediate survival, as well as long-term fulfillment, to become and remain simultaneously available, without negating or contradicting or disabling the other. I need both of those doors/paths open, and all vulnerabilities closed.
I am willing to put all of myself into such a solution, if i can find a way to make such a solution exist.
The problem is that i do not know such a solution Can exist, and until i figure out what and how to do it, i cannot begin to live.
And until i can begin to live, each second that passes in anticipation of what i wish, but may never be… is profoundly agonizing.
Jung would call it “neurosis.” I would agree.
In theory, this solution could exist, and i have “seen it” working in a visualized practice… but in actual practice, the theories can quickly and exponentially become unmanageably large, hopelessly overwhelming.
I need a way to simplify everything, and completely eliminate as many chaos factors as possible, without closing the wrong doors.
This is the kind of “help” that i need. Anything that is not This, is not just a waste of my time, but is detrimental to my well-being, and threatens my very existence.
If you cannot understand my problem, you cannot help me.
One must seek admittance into, and thorough understanding of, the source… or i will completely disregard their so-called “help,” as a laughably arbitrary and half-assed pseudo-attempt, borne from their desire to be seen as “helpful,” rather than perceive them as actually wanting to help me.
If you really want to help: Go To The Source. But be ready: it’s scary in there.
If you don’t really want to help: stay out of my way, and stop demanding compliance, conformity, and my acceptance of the unacceptable. I will not. I cannot.
p.s. UGH, how terribly inefficient and ugly. I wanted to make the text slightly less “bright white” looking, to reduce the contrast with the page… it’s a bit darker than i’d prefer, now, but apparently, WP uses SPAN TAGS ON ALL THE PARAGRAPHS FFS (html paragraphs, not grammar paragraphs). All it really needs is an open tag and a close tag, like “begin attribute here, end attribute there.” It doesn’t need a tag for every line. How inefficient!
I have changed so much in six years.
It amazes me that people from my past still recognize who I am.
But its clear that people only see the person I have shaped into.
I use to be quite shy, reserved, Â pretty much distant from people. No friends. You know, that one girl.
You will be surprised how far makeup, hair extensions and becoming anorexic can do for someone.
It changes people.
And its awful to say but it sometimes changes for the better.
Because now I am seen as “beautiful”.
If only they knew the frustration I went through to be this terrible conceded girl.
Its still painful.
Because you never can accept yourself. You continue to be your own enemy.
I would just like to know about any songs that just change your opinion or decision of something.
Have you ever been so built up with frustration and other emotions and then as soon as you hear a certain song or poem, you just instantly change and start to calm down or approach the subject/event differently?
If so, Please just share some songs or something. I’m interested in what people think of their music
It’s always the same.
The feelings of being lost, worthless; having no purpose in whatever life I’m trying to create. Trying to feel alive again. Begging to feel happy even just content. Why must everything feel so cold and dark? When did my view become like this?
My skin holds my confusion, pain and frustration. Every notch on it reminds me of the lost soul I am. Yet it makes me feel like I can be found. Is that even possible? So many question but they cannot be answered.
I need a release, to feel like I am here; that I have emotions. My smiles never hold true, my laugh always short and the feeling happiness always sliced in half. Then the time comes where I hide, hide from the world that doesn’t notice me. It’s hard to come out of there.
I have a good life but since elementary school I was always determined to kill myself before I grew up. In September I turn 20. I still sleep with my baby blanket and have never been kissed and here I am turning 20. In May I told my parents I was planning on killing myself. Summer is almost over and my councilor is trying to make me promise to forget suicide but I can only imagine postponing it till December. I was to kill myself when the weather isn’t 100 degrees outside but at the same time I don’t want to spend 6,000 dollars going back to school and taking difficult classes like organic chemistry (I’m not smart!). I honestly don’t know what to do. Kill myself in the next 3 weeks or suffer another awful semester of failure and frustration. Why is it so hard to die and why can’t my parents respect my decision.
Jesus Christ Super Star! I am prude as fuck. Men donâ€™t define me. Iâ€™m talking about ending my life PEOPLE! Not wishing I had an STD!
Well I’m back again and glad to know I’m not pregnant but because of the scare he left me and I’m starting to regret that it happened. . . but I’m over it and I’m glad we are no longer together because surprisingly if i was he wasn’t going to be there for me or our child. During that time i had time to meditate and mature some more and realize i should just exclude everyone out my life and start over 🙂 even though i still have days i cut myself because of frustration I’m very much good and getting better thank you for all of your support <3
I’ve been thinking about dying a lot. For some reason that makes me feel better. Things haven’t been good lately. My life is really pleasant on the surface, I’m doing the things I want to do and have a mostly supportive family. But then I have horrible self-esteem and I just end up in the worst situations and it’s really my own fault.
I am really devastated over this thing that happened recently with my boyfriend. I was away for a few months, volunteering at a school in a really remote place and making a documentary, and while I was gone he cheated on me. I probably would never have found out, except that the girl who he decided to cheat on me with turned around and accused him of rape and he got arrested. I am upset on so many levels I kind of don’t even know where to begin.
Our relationship isn’t the best anyway. He is emotionally abusive and says horrible things to me, puts me down regularly, etc. I don’t know why I put up with it. I came back home after the rape accusation to support him because I truly believed he wouldn’t hurt anyone deliberately. I mean he is horrible to me, but he’s not physically violent… only verbally abusive, I suppose. Anyway after a month or so the police have dropped the case and he’s free but I can’t get over the betrayal.
Also it’s hard because at home he screams at me and says horrible things to me and about me and sort of generally treats me like I’m worthless, but then he is amazing to everyone else in his life, family members, siblings, other friends etc. he is really good and caring towards and it’s like all the anger and rage and frustration that exists in him is just saved up and directed at me. I’m the only person who knows about all the rage and anger and cruelty and dishonesty and infidelity and Â everyone else thinks he’s like this amazing human being and I will seem INSANE if I try to talk about any of these things.
But like it’s horrible, I am being put down constantly, criticized constantly, cheated on, lied to, etc etc and nobody knows and I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to worry about me, or worse to just judge me for staying with this guy who treats me like shit for so long… I don’t know why I am still here, I don’t know. Every time he tells me off again or calls me some name or something I just imagine dying, for some reason it just makes me feel better to imagine it and kind of plan it and write my suicide note in my head that tells everyone how he really is and what he does and how he treats me. It’s not really the way out, I should just find self-respect and go but like for some stupid reason I love him and I can’t let go of it, and so even though I’m a smart, seemingly self-respecting woman with tons going for me… this is still happening… and I’m just so crushed, all the time, every day, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression.
It started when I was 10, I had just started middle school.
I was Bullied. Badly.
Everyday after school I would rush out of the school and try SPRINT home so that the bullies wouldn’t catch me.
They usually did, And I usually went home physically and mentally abused.
I was depressed… but I NEVER thought about committing suicide.
It took a while but my parents finally noticed how depressed I was.
I went to counseling.
It helped, but It didn’t stop the bullies.
That February we moved cities to get me away.
My new school was much better.
I made friends, True Friends. I had my first Romance.
My 8th, 9th, and 10th grade years were the best of my life.
I was Happy.
But then this year, my 11th grade year, everything changed.
My friends, while still close, have other friends.
I was left to my own devices.
I am not the most accepting person.
I don’t put up with crap.
That’s what getting bullied taught me.
Other people don’t like it when I call them out for being rude, or for doing stupid things.
“*****” is a common nickname for me.
I get made fun of in all of my classes, and Online.
The few friends I have made have turned on me, but don’t explain why.
They tell me “Its Your Fault. Everything is your fault.”
I go over every situation, every conversation.
I feel confused, frustrated, anxious, and depressed.
I have good parents, and I am a good kid. Â I get in trouble like every other kid.
But my parents add to my confusion, frustration, anxiety, and depression.
In the past 3 months I have had more panic attacks than I can count.
I can’t stop crying.
I just want it to stop.
My best friend turned on me today. She didn’t even explain why. Just called me a “*****” then walked away.
I haven’t stopped crying.
It hurts. Feeling like this.
My chest feels like it is on fire.
And the worst part is That nobody really cares.
I have a stun gun. I have used it on my self several times.
I forget for a while after using it.
I suppose its my way of cutting.
but it doesn’t leave any real marks.
they fade quickly.
It hurts. I can’t keep feeling this.
I can’t keep getting told I am worthless.
I just want it to stop.
And I have no idea why I’m posting it here but, I am.Â I’m exhausted.Â The only true smile that has come to my face in the past few years was just before my attempt several weeks ago – the rest of the time it has been this forced curvature which, I must say, I’ve become quite the expert at creating.Â The sadness.Â The consistent failures.Â The burden I’ve been to so many for so long.Â Iit’s just so tiring.
For almost 30 days I’ve had no contact with anyone in my personal life save three individuals one being my “brother” who lives quite literally thousands of miles away.Â I spoke with him about the difficulties I’ve been having lately and even of my past attempts, which were unknown to him.Â We talked for almost two hours with me speaking most of the time.Â I told him how it felt just before; how I felt so calm and relieved knowing it would be over soon.Â I expressed my frustration and explained how painful and sorrowful it made me feel when I made that trek to my bridge only to discover it had been fenced off.Â How furious I became at myself for not realizing it had been constructed.Â He said I was “in crisis”.Â Indeed.
For the past week I’ve read every blog article I can find and watched every video about those who have exited. I’ve scoured the web to find the newspaper reports of those on this forum who have finally found peace.Â I’ve watched countless documentaries on the subject of jumpers and “how sad it must be” but you know something?Â Every time the screen showed a person exiting from a bridge and landing into water or onto pavement I cried uncontrollably with a level of empathy for these people I’ve never felt in my entire life.Â I could feel their despair and agony.
As they approached their spot I watched intently as they made their last farewells to this world and took the final step.Â I studied every movement as they fell – how their body turned or how they held their arms straight out as if they were at last welcoming the final end to their pain.Â Each time I watched I held my breath and sat up with my eyes wide open completely and utterly motionless – taking in every minute detail.Â And when the camera captured the end I heard myself let out a moan as the tears began flowing.
I’m just so tired.Â I took a walk today to the other side of town and discovered another bridge.Â I inspected every aspect: the height, the angles, the traffic and later a bit of research to find this indeed is a place of exit.Â After, I spiffy’d up the house all nice and tidyÂ – plants are watered and healthy, everything is in its’ place and a handy reference guide to all things concerning my life such as policies, pass-codes, final wishes, etc are readily available in that nice leather-bound folder I received a few years back from an employer for “a job well done”.
I spoke with my brother again just a short while ago for about an hour or so but there was no discussion of our previous topic rather, it was simply a congenial Sunday evening telephone conversation.Â Near the end of the call I did thank him for being there for me and told him I would see him again soon.Â And that was that.Â And now … I’m calm.Â Everything seems “right”.
So in a short while I’ll be making a final check on the place as I turn out the lights and head out the door.Â If this is the time to exit then I wish each of you who expressed kindness to me a wonderful thank-you. I think it’s time to take a walk.
When I think back to when I was a kid, I can’t remember being happy.. And I don’t know why. And then I thought..
I’ve always been unhappy.
My family has many issues that now I know effected me; screaming and yelling, name calling, blaming, frustration.
I remember it all.
I remember getting these overwhelming feelings like I was trapped in a small bubble and couldn’t get out, I know now that the feeling I felt was probally depression..
I’ve been depressed since I could remember..
And I really don’t remember a lot because that’s how my body copes..
I want to talk to someone but I know that no matter how much you try to explain no one really knows or can feel how you felt, and they don’t really care.
No one will ever be able to know what I’ve been through emotionally and mentally and it just really sucks because all I’ve ever been was forgotten and I now know that I have to be my one friend, best friend, in this harsh world.
I wish I was one of those girls who’s life is…. Just easier..