Fuck

Fisrt of all I’m not proud of this. I’ve never thought I would be publishing something in a page like this. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Second, I’m spanish that’s why my grammar sucks, pretty much that.

I have no idea where should I start. I’ve been depressed for a lot of years, I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I didn’t suceed.

Background:

My parents are not together, they divorced when I was eight. My mother started returning really late from work, kids started bullying me at school, but I could handle it, until I was twelve. My father was getting married with a really awful woman. I started getting psychological abuse from both of them and I started failing almost all subjects in my school. My mother got really mad at me because she said that I wasn’t doing my best and that I was the worst person at the family, that I was a failure, and she even mentioned killing herself because she couldn’t stand me, to cut a long story short I started getting psychological abuse from her too. I tried to kill myself but I didn’t succeed. Then, my mother discovered my passion for music and I started taking singing and piano lessons. It was the thing that saved my life. I was still feeling very ill but at least music made me feel better. Then two years later, everything started to get even worse, the psychological abuse was too much to take and my mother started getting drunk each night and tearing the whole house apart. Sometimes I even woke up at night because I heard her breaking down things. I started getting really bad anxiety to the point that sometimes I couldnt even breath and pass out for a couple minutes. Then I decided the best thing would be to move out with my father.

The first year was kinda okay, these last two years has been nightmare for me. Her wife and the son of his wife had been spreading lies about me to the point that only half of my classmates talk to me, and the abuse was even worse. I even started getting physical abuse from my father and her wife.

Current situation:

Even my mother is sick, I really prefer to live with her and I tried to talk with her to let me return to her house but she doesnt want me there, she told me that I have to pass everything to be able to return.

The thing is that, I can’t pass my subjects because Im really depressed and I have really bad anxiety. The worst thing of all is that Im even studying something I dont want to. I really want to pursue music as a career but my mother told me that she wont pay for it; that the only thing she would pay for is my medical career, because otherwise, I would be a failure. The family failure.

Now, music is the only thing that has kept me alive. The only thing why I havent left, because it gives me purpose.

Now I’m in a constant circle of agony and pain. I’m supposed to finish school in a month. I have to pass two subjects I can’t pass because I suck at them. I even go to extra-classes to pass them, but I still can’t. (Btw that teacher is a ***** because she says that I’m the worst and that I’ll never pass, I tried to change my teacher but my parents wont even listen to me)

My sister was the one that used to help me but now she has really afwul problems and she can’t spend her time on me, she said I have to fix it alone.

If I can’t study the thing I want to spend the rest of my live in, Why am I living? Why am I dealing with all the shit that I get from my family?

Im very suicidal and I even considered doing it if this doesnt get better. I thought of doing it on the month of May.

I don’t know what the fuck should I do.

I can’t leave, because I have nowhere to go.

I can’t even sleep anymore.

And the thing is I’m actually scared of attempting music as a career, because of what of my parents said. That I will never succeed and I’ll be homeless (because if don’t study medicine like I said, they won’t pay me anything and the best thing is that they even threatened me to kick me out of the house; both houses)

My friends are starting to get scared of me for my suicidal thoughts so I have no one I can talk.

My classmates fucking hate me because of my father’s wife and his son.

I only talk to one or two people now, and I’m afraid of telling them this, because I don’t want them to get scared like the others did, and I don’t want these rumors spreading around.

Yes, I tried seeking help from my doctor, who said that I was stressed by school and that it’s normal. My father doesn’t want to cope with me because he says I suck.

Music is the only thing that keeps me alive, and if I can’t be the singer I want to be, I might end all of this.

I’ll kill myself in May.