Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
Kinda pathetic having this realization from an anime of all things but it actually spoke to me better than most people can. Anyways its this show called Watamote and it just had its final episode. Its about social anxiety ,loneliness, generally just things that I could relate these past few years (frustration from trying to make friends, no love life, no sense of fulfillment) which is the reason I started watching it and basically it ended on the note that after all she did nothing has changed and shes still lonely but the thing is she just laughs it off and says “it doesnt matter anyway” and accepting it. So I thought maybe I really should just do the same and just accept my self and how the things are in my life and just try to be happy in my way (mostly through my hobbies I suppose) its not like I care about others anymore anyways so why should I even waste a thought on them? I have been trying all this time trying to catch a break and find the happiness that I have envisioned for my self but clearly that isn’t happening anytime soon(or ever) so maybe I should just stick to the small stuff I like to do? those things don’t last yes but at least they helps me get my mind off all this friggin bullshit in my life(for example feeling useless and pathetic again because I was just told a while ago I wont be graduating this year EITHER making it my 7th year in my 4 YEAR course in college ) I’d rather live my life in ignorant bliss than have all these ideas of how I “should” live my life haunt me and If I die Â still a pathetic loser, who gives a fuck? certainly not other people who don’t even acknowledge me. They don’t matter to me. hell the only thing that I do care about are my parents(they’re good people, still supportive even if i’m the way I am and I HATE being a burden to them and I want to AT LEAST pay them back for all they do for me someday) and if I’m just waiting for my life to end might as well enjoy the things that are actually good on this planet like food,shows,art and gaming(we aren’t rich or anything but at least I was born in a family that can provide me with such things that’s at least one thing i’m grateful for as well, taking to account that I live in a 3rd world country)
I wish I knew what I want exactly. I keep thinking about it. it looks too unreasonable, even in this stupid life, to suffer pointlessly. there must be a reason, I must be wanting something, for no particularly tragic thing ever happened to me in past, except, maybe, bullying..on which i only laugh now. Yet I can never pinpoint exactly what it is. there are many temporary wants, but afterall they are temporary..and even in their moments of fulfillment i feel something inherently missing.
â€œ…anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic.â€
â€• C.G. Jung
And thus, i have discovered the most refined and concise words to express the source of my frustration.
Upon first reading it, i read: “to adjust his group,” instead of “adjust TO his group.” Both are valid, in different ways.
But what if my individual goal is to achieve the requirement of adjusting my group (or perhaps the entire world), in order to gain access to a particular configuration of circumstances that would be required to enable my actual individual goals?
What if adjusting my group is the prerequisite? What if my individual goals are blocked by what currently exists beyond myself? What if i have to manipulate the external circumstances, in order to achieve my inner purpose?
Perhaps being reminded of Slipknot’s song “Before I Forget,” and the line that says “i am a world, before i am a man…” was the spark for this thought.
What if i am literally a world, before i am a man? What if the requirements of fulfillment, require first adjusting my group (and also myself to my adjusted group), setting up the environment for a series of tasks to be completed, and then later setting out to complete them?
This is a dilemma. I can’t do both. There is not enough time and energy. There are not enough readily available resources.
How do i resolve this conflict? And no, i can’t choose. I can’t choose to only pursue individual goals, because they are blocked by the group. I cannot choose to integrate into the group, because doing so requires conforming to unacceptable parameters, in ways that cause and perpetuate suffering, without offering suitable or sufficient rewards. In order to voluntarily integrate into the group that i find very wrong, there must be a reasonably justifiable expectation of gains that would be worth that degree of increased and prolonged suffering. There must be reasonable expectations of my “price” being met. I must believe that what i would gain, would be worth compromising my principles and integrity, and voluntarily participating in a group that has until now only produced and perpetuated my misery. In order to integrate in such a painful way (adjust to my group), i must reasonably expect a justifiable gain. But i do not. I cannot. To do so, would be unreasonable.
So, there are only two options:
A) Both integration and personal fulfillment
B) Neither (which is likely to result in misery and ultimately death)
So it HAS TO BE (A). There is no other option.
The group resists change, and i lack the resources to impose it, and lack the time to wage and win a war of attrition.
This is the crux of my dilemma.
There is no readily available or identifiable solution. There is no “help.” Very few people, if any at all, have even approached understanding this dilemma, though i would surmise that many do indeed perceive encountering it. It’s just that most choose to conform, to integrate into a society that is “better than nothing.” But i can’t do that. Because there are many things i would change, which changes would be motivated by the fact that i’m not so sure that integration with a system i can’t accept, would be “better than nothing.” I suppose it is “good enough” for lots of people… but i’m not lots of people.
So where is the “help,” where are the “solutions,” for the fringe outliers similar to myself? We are an underrepresented minority, with very few, if any advocates.
I would not be content with spending my entire life amidst the struggles of trying to change a world that wants to remain as it is. I would not be content with choosing to integrate, purely for the “selfish” purpose of exploiting any available advantage, for purely personal gains, while completely ignoring, or even adding to the perpetuation of the very system i find so unacceptable and loathsome.
It’s like i’m always forced to choose between either defense or offense… but in ways where choosing one, either negates or disables the other. To attack, i must expose myself as vulnerable. To defend, i must refrain from attempting to apply force to areas which need to be altered.
Then it hit me:
Kung Fu (and Tai Chi, and probably other “styles,” to some extent) is all about seamlessly integrating the two, so that one is not forced to choose either/or, but can defend while advancing, side-stepping, or retreating… or advance/sidestep/retreat while defending, or defend while attacking, or attack while defending. One of the prime directives is to maintain fluidly defensible positioning from every position, and to never over-extend. My only ‘legit’ instructor once called it “the art of opening and closing.” This applies to both the self and the opponent(s). Retreat should never be the correct option, unless i find myself in an indefensible stance or position, facing an insurmountable or a particularly disadvantaged situation; which is almost always classified as “a mistake,” and should not occur in correct employment of the aforementioned tactics. There should not be an exploitable opening created by any attack. There should not be an inability to exploit an opening, due to defense. Both should occur simultaneously, fluidly, as needed, in a way that provides the best possible action for each perpetually changing circumstance. In theory, theory should work in practice; but in practice, theory is not always practical.
Still, the idea of integrating both self-defense and application of force to a target, is the core of the ideal. We should be able to do both at once, rather than being forced to choose, by our environment, and by our opponents, and by our own lack of self-control, due to lack of development, or damage from prior impacts.
So… how do i integrate both my pursuit of personal goals, as well as my requirement to both adjust my group, and also adjust TO my group?
How can i Live? What can i Do? How can i do it?
There must be a viable way to integrate both pursuits… because choosing only defense, or only offense, will only ensure my own doom.
I need an immediately profitable action, which also allows, and does not disable, pursuit and ultimate achievement of the long-term goals. I need them to occur simultaneously, in order to achieve either of them.
I need both immediate survival, as well as long-term fulfillment, to become and remain simultaneously available, without negating or contradicting or disabling the other. I need both of those doors/paths open, and all vulnerabilities closed.
I am willing to put all of myself into such a solution, if i can find a way to make such a solution exist.
The problem is that i do not know such a solution Can exist, and until i figure out what and how to do it, i cannot begin to live.
And until i can begin to live, each second that passes in anticipation of what i wish, but may never be… is profoundly agonizing.
Jung would call it “neurosis.” I would agree.
In theory, this solution could exist, and i have “seen it” working in a visualized practice… but in actual practice, the theories can quickly and exponentially become unmanageably large, hopelessly overwhelming.
I need a way to simplify everything, and completely eliminate as many chaos factors as possible, without closing the wrong doors.
This is the kind of “help” that i need. Anything that is not This, is not just a waste of my time, but is detrimental to my well-being, and threatens my very existence.
If you cannot understand my problem, you cannot help me.
One must seek admittance into, and thorough understanding of, the source… or i will completely disregard their so-called “help,” as a laughably arbitrary and half-assed pseudo-attempt, borne from their desire to be seen as “helpful,” rather than perceive them as actually wanting to help me.
If you really want to help: Go To The Source. But be ready: it’s scary in there.
If you don’t really want to help: stay out of my way, and stop demanding compliance, conformity, and my acceptance of the unacceptable. I will not. I cannot.
p.s. UGH, how terribly inefficient and ugly. I wanted to make the text slightly less “bright white” looking, to reduce the contrast with the page… it’s a bit darker than i’d prefer, now, but apparently, WP uses SPAN TAGS ON ALL THE PARAGRAPHS FFS (html paragraphs, not grammar paragraphs). All it really needs is an open tag and a close tag, like “begin attribute here, end attribute there.” It doesn’t need a tag for every line. How inefficient!
Even though I’ve been on anti depressants for almost a year now, and I have had my dosage upped twice, the depression persists. It figures because it’s chronic. But where I used to feel that at least something better was around the bend, now I feel like each passing year worsens me as both a person and a functional human being.
I can’t bring myself to meet goals or requirements. I’m always tired and I rarely feel good. I’m lonely, but I can’t make strong connections with anyone. I try to reach out but it’s never the kind of fulfillment I need socially. I haven’t had a mutual crush in years. Any feelings I develop for someone are rebuffed more or less immediately, making me highly aware of how undesirable I’ve come as I get more and more depressed, and less and less ‘new’.
I don’t care about things, but I do. I’m ridden with guilt every time I miss work or school, or flake on an agreed appointment/social outing. It happens a lot. Mostly because I haven’t got the energy, or I convince myself that I haven’t. Doing the daily stuff is this tug of war in my mind. Part of me just doesn’t care, the other part only cares because it knows other people will. I hate letting others down.
I want to die, if only because it means that things stop, but I can’t really go through with it. My mother needs me. I wish that she needed me in a way that involved her actually spending time with me and putting us first, though. She knows I’m not well but she has her own life to live. She doesn’t realize I’m living mine just to keep her sane. This July she takes a trip to our hometown, or at least mine. We haven’t been back in around 5 years, but she decided to take her boyfriend (whose abuses and issues I could go on about ad nauseum, but she will never leave him, so it’s hopeless) and not myself. I can’t help being bothered by it, since the return to Montreal should be something we share as a mother and daughter. She’d rather be around him. That’s what it seems to come down to. She claims she doesn’t put him, her house, her garden, and everything else head of my needs–but most of the time I’m always the first priority to get dropped.
I guess I sound whiny. I am whiny. I’m a depressed, whiny 24 year old, and that’s a big part of why I can’t meet anyone.
I feel like a loser, and a future cat lady.
I just read a post here by the user JerzyBoy. It broke my heart to read that such a beautifulÂ soul hurts so much. Dear JerzyBoy, I love you too. I must not know what it feels like to be at the end of the rope if God doesn’t even seem to help. I can’t possibly imagine your pain and your broken spirit and mind. I hope you continue to live and something miraculous happens to make your life worth while for you. To imagine you dying is breaking my mind, to be honest. To imagine you taking your own life churns my stomach and I wish I could be with you right now. I don’t even know you, but maybe I could help in some way. I know I can’t be the fixer upper everyone would like to be or imagines they are, because I am just a human. I have no special powers and I cannot erase your pain or memory. But maybe I could keep you company, and even make you smile somehow. Smiling always feels better sometimes.
If you do take your life, I hope you travel safely to the other side. I hope you get all of the love and happiness you’ve always wanted and fulfillment inside of your heart. You are a beautiful man, and I am terribly sorry you have been through so much and that you are in pain. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I walked into the woods today. The forest was like Heaven to me. Everything is green, lush, energized, and alive. It was so quiet there, and I wanted so badly to lay down and become one with the moist forest soil. Talking about becoming one with certain objects depresses me for some reason.
An apex of happiness exists, but that point is far beyond my grasp. Every little hunk of happiness I have ever experienced has either been broken down or snatched away from me. I can’t keep it together, its just not within my ability. This world you have constructed wasn’t meant for people like me. I fall into a niche and all that happens to us is misery. We are the people who’s company you enjoy, but also the people you take advantage of, and the very same people you scoff at simultaneously. My relationships fall apart and I finally understand why: I don’t deserve any of you, you can all do better, and I’m a hollow, empty excuse of a man. I make you laugh and I make you smile but I can’t handle this role without your appreciation. I’ve lived it my whole life and it has not brought me any long lasting happiness or sense of being. The only way I can gain your appreciation and some merit is to leave you. They say you only have 15 minutes; well, I’m taking mine. I’ve experienced your presence but you have yet to embrace me with your warmth. I stand with my back facing an accumulation of laughter, pain, and cruelty. What lies before me is a stark pool of mystery. This pool is possibly nothingness or a new life. A state of consciousness that could reward me with more fulfillment than I can imagine. The pool is what I’ve been looking for my entire life, and I feel like taking the plunge.
my life… i pushed for what i wanted. i always got close. sooo close yetÂ every time, it fell. my soul, Â for anything and everything is gone. i really just want nothing. existenceÂ as a whole i justÂ don’tÂ want. Â growing up with an abusive family. pushing away from them. finding home in a best friends family. loving it more than your own. growing and pushing yourself to get what you want. only not to get it. learning not to care so much about it. Â always with the thought of finding someone for you on the way, someone to love. of course being in many relationships. to give up on themÂ entirely. one day without realizing. she falls for you. tells you she loves you.Â hesitantÂ you tell her you feel the same. she tells you to kiss her, you do. Â reality hits you kissed your best friends younger sister and have fallen in love with her. feeling like you finally matter. head high. her mother. like your own. knowing your feelings for her daughter by pureÂ intuition. who thenÂ confrontsÂ and encourages it.Â Â tells you she even loves you. tells you she wants you to marry her daughter. when always wanting to be in their family, to echo in their generations. Â wanting that and accepting that more than anything. to finally feel aÂ fulfillmentÂ in life. a week later being told sheÂ doesn’tÂ want a relationship. feeling sad youÂ don’tÂ worry too much, your not in too deep. 10 mins later she kisses you. what? to have actions like these go on for months. feeling stressed andÂ confusedÂ you confront her. tells you she wants to beÂ friends. her getting ahold of you. missing you. says very miss leading things. only to tell you your just friends once again. after a while of this. getting mad and telling her youÂ aren’tÂ friends. over time feeling she is just young. and youÂ can’tÂ hold things like thisÂ againstÂ her. to not give up and keep tryingÂ regardless.trying to fix it. now she hold its allÂ againstÂ you. says its all your fault. you pushed her to far away. she wont even be your friend now. wont say anything to you even tho your doing what she said would make her happiest. getting older and everyone spreading out withÂ theirÂ loved ones. in minimal contact with your friends, but most importantly her. Â her never not on your mind. beingÂ undesired. their family acting like im no longer there. i’m not thought of. realizing your just nothing. trying some more. no reward. she wont even look at you. you try to apologize. her saying you wanted it this way. and just ignores you. not feeling sad that you lost her but more for just being not a matter of thought to them all now. not knowing why. trying to understand you finally just don’tÂ care. about anything. fuck any and everyone. i can’t kill myself. having a bestÂ friendÂ killÂ them selfÂ growing up. though youÂ don’tÂ matter now. you will once your dead. a realization will hit, for them that is. knowing how they will feel. you just want to hate them all for making you stuck in this place. for tieing you down to thisÂ existenceÂ youÂ don’tÂ care for. wishing you never met any of them. to be told live your life for you. knowing you have this entire timeÂ untilÂ recently when you fell in love. them not understanding that living my life for myself isnt want i wanted. now its all iv got. still nothing to them. no returned phone calls none trying to see you at all. still feeling complete love for this girl. even more so as i type. iÂ don’tÂ just love her because of her family. i love her for her. no one comes close to how beautiful she is. any and every girl i see or am around. come with the thought of howÂ unappealingÂ they are compared to her. i love her. i miss her. i want her to care for me. only her no one else. Â and knowing she justÂ doesn’tÂ want me. iÂ don’tÂ want me. i just cant give a fuck anymore. i want these feelings to end i try hard to not think about them at all. drugs sometimes. but honestly they make me think more. all and all. i ask why was this done to me. what is the point of me coming into a life for this to happen. to be almost forced to stay here. because you care for others feelings more than your own. yet getting nothing for it. its all so pointless. and all ultimatelyÂ leads to nothing. before all of this i was the most happy uncaring person in the world. i really was. Â she says sorry im heartless. and to all of you. thanks, thanks for not really caring at all lol. cuz we all know no one reeeaalllly does. hahahaha burn in hell.
I’ve put a lot of effort into doing right by the people I’m close to. I have been far from perfect in those efforts. Mostly I’ve failed entirely. I guess the thing is, though, that I’ve tried to mend every mistake I’ve made. I’ve apologized, acknowledged my screw-ups and done my best to avoid future incidents.
In times when I haven’t been the one to screw up, I’ve been too forgiving of people. People who have decided that I am the kind of person who can toyed with, walked all over, and left to wait endlessly for fulfillment. People always let you down. That’s what I’ve learned in the last few years.
My feelings on it now are that whether I am a nice, friendly person who goes out of their way to show that I am attentive, caring and involved or whether I am neglectful, manipulative and mean, I will be rewarded with the same level of disappointment. I have given people years of my life, dedication and love, and what have I gotten from the experience? Another lesson in loss. I get loss. I can’t possibly hope to *not* get loss, not for the rest of my life. If there is one feeling that I will carry from now until the grave, it’s that one. And yes, I know the cliches: It makes you “stronger”, it bolsters you for “the tough road ahead”.
Wonderful. Consider me fully bolstered.
There is a fine line between loss that teaches a valuable lesson, and a string of losses that leave a person jaded. I am now at the latter end of the spectrum, and I am spinning off the chart with wild abandon. I’m fed up. I have worked my ass off to be a worthy friend. I’ve been everything I could for people, not because I was a sycophant, but because I genuinely felt that it was what was right. When I’ve loved, I’ve felt compelled to spend time with and care for those people. It was just the way I did things.
I’ve lost so many friends over such petty bullshit. People who once thought highly of me, now clutching to insane misjudgments of my character. Letting that guide them instead of what I have to honestly say. I’ve lost all resolve to keep trying. There is no reward for this. For a long time I believed that by being friendly and caring, I would warrant the same kind of treatment in return. I thought that by building bridges with people, it had to be a two-way path. It’s not. Friendship is only as fulfilling as I make it. To expect anyone to place me on a list of priorities, well. That’s just ridiculous. I’ll never matter that much to anybody, apparently, and while I don’t expect to matter to everyone, I do feel that when somebody cites me as a “best friend” or claims to “be in love with me”, they’ll make some modicum of an effort to be a part of my life.
I don’t see what the point is in life if I’m such an unattractive person to spend time with. I’m on anti depressants now, and I feel alright mood-wise, but I’m very unhappy with the way things are. The people in my life frustrate and toy with me, they ignore me and they reject me. There are more arguments now than happy moments. There’s more silence than anything else. I used to try being amenable, but now I just fight back. I got tired of wasting the energy it takes to be patient on people who will hurt me one way or the other.
I’m not a crappy person to be around. I’m not the best either, but I know I can be funny, and nice, and a great, true friend if given the chance. I just rarely get that chance anymore. Meeting new people has been very difficult. The more people I lose, the less I want to meet anybody else. I don’t want to make friends that will inevitably turn on me, and that’s all it ever amounts to. I want meaningful relationships. All I have are trials.
I think it’s easier to have an enemy than a friend. Friends disappoint you, enemies are, at least, entertainment.
I’m so tired of trying. If people want to hurt me, then I’ll hurt them back. It’s not like the outcome will be any different than normal.
I don’t like the person I’m becoming. But I can’t keep staving off the way I feel about this. I wish I’d die.
… no one gives a damn, nor should they. No person, ever, should be made to feel as if they should care for the life, happiness or fulfillment of another.
Think of the large march of humanity before you – of the never ending crowds that follow – I am but a single face in a sea. Each of us are focused on his or her own issues; our own petty concerns, frustrations, self-indulgent narcissistic pleas for attention. Let us all sleep at our own leisure. I too am done; and it’s my right to be.
Once conceived in its fullness, the idiocy of the human race deserves our ire, our disgust, our shame. That sentient lives must be self-lost is a shame, but again – no one gives a damn nor is it their obligation to.
So be the best you can, love as fully and as completely as your will allows and embrace the horror when you’re ready – as I am.
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