After around 20 years of contemplating suicide and one attempt 15 years ago (when I was 14) I’ve got a plan… but it requires a bit of a wait.
I’ve come to realize how much it would hurt my mother, emotionally and physically, if I were to end it now. She’s 70 and has moved in with me because she can’t do everything that she used to be able to do. Ever since I was born she’s dedicated her all to bringing me up and has said if I were to ever die she would too, of a broken heart. Now the […]
Faking it.
From the outside I have it all. Unfortunately my mind is plagued with trauma, depression, and intense anxiety… leaving me in an existential haze in order to cope; I am merely going through the motions. I used my looks and my body to get through college and thought I would regain my sanity afterwards, but thats not the case. I now have a useless degree, too many therapists, lost a soul mate, and a mind that won’t cease come nightfall. I am […]
I can’t  cry. I can’t read. I can’t write. I can only think. What am I? A mute? A social deficit defiling the medium? I don’t want to talk about it, because then it doesn’t mean as much. I can only keep myself moving.. barely. Going through the motions. Why must the motions take so much away from everyone around me? Why must I have problems with eatting? Why can’t I be beautiful and healthy? Why is there no normal to be attained? I even put on our song to evoke the rolling storm, but the tears never came. They did the exact opposite actually. […]
False praise kills. Â I am told often that I am talented blah, blah blah. Â I can’t believe this. Â To do so would be arrogant. Â My inner circle does tell the truth. Â Significant other does not touch me because I am too fat for his liking. Â I was a size 00 when we met. Â I now wear a 2. Â He says he can only love me if I am thin and blonde. Â He says I am stupid. Â I’m in a doctoral program because at one time I wanted to prove to him that I was not as stupid as he says I am. Â Â There are […]
I’ve struggled with major depression for several years. The time between feeling some level of normal and giving anything for death to free me from this is getting shorter and shorter. In November, I argued with my shrink and therapist that this is my life, and to not allow me from release from the pain was unethical. After when animals suffer, they are put down. No one else knows how depressed I really am. I mask it very well- I go through the motions of a life while feeling nothing but wanting to be dead. If this […]
I’ve been going through the motions for years now. I’ve put on a brave face, told myself if I try hard enough that life would be great, I’ve done it all. I tried drinking my problems away but my presistent optimism kept my from becoming a real alcoholic. Just recently my best friend and one of the few men I’ve ever loved got married. Out of the blue kind of married. Just a few days before all of it we were sleeping together. To top it off he got married 3 days after my birthday, lol he’s an ass but I do still love him. […]
I miss you so much. Sometimes we live because we want to. Sometimes we live because we have to. Today, I’m going through the motions of life for you. Ostracism. A fittingly ugly word for an equally ugly thing.
I’ve been going through the motions for a few years, now. Living on autopilot, mostly. I occasionally do something nice for myself; traveling to China and Europe and getting a new car and cool new toys. Sometimes that makes me forget. Sometimes it makes me question my decision. It always fades, though, and the reality always returns to embrace me and remind me why. I always smile and accept, too; death is a light at the end of my tunnel. I look forward to it, but it is something I cannot allow myself to have just yet; I am still needed. There is someone very […]
I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the […]
I’ve tried everything to get better. Meds, therapy, at least 7 hospital stays, vitamins, diet, ECT…10 years i’ve been in this hell! My last episode has lasted all of this year and most of last year, without a break!! I’m never happy for longer than half a day at a time and that happens very rarely (maybe once a month). I’ve been suicidal for over 7 months since my ECT treatment failed to help me. I’ve seen over 8 psychiatrists and none have helped. My current doctor’s only suggestion was to come off meds entirely (cause they do nothing) and find a new therapist. That’s it. […]
Rachel Ferguson- Never Good Enough
The story of me. I wrote this after my first hospital visit, it was going to be my suicide note but a close friend of mine found me before I died. He has an uncanny ability to call me whenever I’m seriously debating suicide even though he’s moved all the way across the world from me.
Born to the urban monster,
Raised to be mindless,
Her curiosity brought pain,
Tears of blood shed in silence.
Ostracized by her peers,
In the shadows she played.
Her “friends†cruel like the rest,
As she was bullied there came no aid.
Fragile, she often wept,
They laughed and pointed.
Ridiculed and mocked into […]
I am really struggling at the moment. My suicidal tendencies are so strong, I am so de-sensitised to the idea of killing myself, that it is really only my two sons who keep me anchored. When even that becomes not enough, I go into hospital, where I am now – again – the fifth time in 2 1/2 years, and I’ve already been in now for five weeks this time. I just looked at my progress chart, and basically there has been none – a few blips where I got better for a few days, and then I drop down again.
I am just loosing […]
have you ever had that feeling thats like you going through the motions of life but your mind isnt really there? I have that feeling almost every day at skool and I hate it. It makes me very tired at the end of the day and i feel so used to it by now…but what do you do about it??? You cant just say ” Hey brain keep up with me.” so what do i do???
I am exhausted.
tired from acting happy while feeling nothing.
tired from going through the motions.
tired from not caring while pretending to.
impossible to dull the feelings when there are none.
what is it like to feel something?
what is it like to care?
I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the […]
I don’t really feel my emotions any more. I know that they’re there, but my mind just doesn’t seem to process them the way that it should. For example, when I watch the news, and there’s a story about somebody that was murdered, I realise that I should feel something. I should feel anger toward the person that commited the murder. I should feel pity for the victim and his/her loved ones. But I don’t feel anything. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if I’m hanging out with friends, if something happens that makes everyone laugh, I am always the last to join in, […]
It’s true I’m worthless. I’m not going anywhere or doing anything. No one wants me or cares about me. No one really understands me. The people around me like me sure, but they wouldn’t be too sad if I went away. I just cant handle the mediocrity anymore. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to puke my guts out and die. I can’t do this. I can’t keep going through the motions, trying to figure why the fuck I’m here. It’s too overwhelming. It’s too much. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and I do every night. I know […]
I was picked up out of my home and thrown into a mental hospital on 12/30/2011 for a week so it really thwarted my plans of ctb before the new year. I left the hospital with a false sense of optimism, and now I’m sitting in my apartment on suicide websites again…..feeling like my soul is dead and I’m just going through the motions because that’s what I was told to do. Truth be told, I have no idea what the next day or weeks ahead of me hold….I know today was a shitty day, not sure when the glimmer of sunshine will show through […]
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