i’m not sure why, but i have this weird feeling that i won’t grow to be old. i mean, i can’t imagine myself living until i’m, what, ninety?
Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be somewhere, but I just don’t know where. Somewhere far from here. I hate how they stare. They rarely do it, but when they do, it’s always in disgust. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want out. Where can I go? Thank you for listening.
Dear Lord in Heaven,*Not that i believe in thee….heheh*
Why am I still up at this hour??????????????????????????? Going on 99 hours awake now, god this does suck.
Is it me or does this whole thing kind of rhyme????
That i don’t actually need. But im useless. I’ll never have a meaningful experience with a woman. Why? Part anxiety. Part social ineptitude, mostly consistent negative reinforcement. I am simply not attractive enough. When i did approach women i had to consistently risk and have panic attacks for the opportunity to put a lot of effort into someone who didnt give a quarter of a squirt of piss about me. Id get lied to or disparangingly “accepted” Occasionally id get a one off pity lay. The fuck could possibly the point. I’ve been working out for about a month and trying to diet. The fuck is the point i have this jacked up complexion and repulsive demeanor and brokeness and complete lack of trust. Im old tired and depressed and suicidal. Im not here because i want to be i have to be. Despite all the comments I’ve been leaving I’m going no comments. These posts usually breed comments that make me feel worse.
Deleting all my social media last summer was the best thing I did. This is what I found:
1. It’s only use is for people to show off what they have. It’s a ego thing.
2. You loose friends . I lost every single one of my friends. I was cut off from the “real world”, but wasn’t I the one really living in the real world?
3. Everything online is a lie. The Internet and social media is just a place where people can be someone that they’re not. Life’s shitty , I don’t blame them.
4. You gain confidence. I didn’t spend hours looking at what the idea of “perfection” was or trying to change my self .
5. Learning in class becomes a lot easier. And it’s so much more interesting . I remember picking my phone up during class and blogging and insta-graming. I didn’t pay attention . When I deleted all my stuff , my eyes opened .
6. You have a lot more time to BE YOUR SELF . You can enjoy things . You can be that one person at a concert that’s NOT taking a video for snapchat, and you can be that person who doesn’t take a picture of a sunset to post to Instagram . YOU LITERALLY GET TO ENJOY SOMETHING!!!! It can be a real experience . It doesn’t have to be for show .
7. You are more sociable . Once I got rid of it I talked more to people outside when I was running about the city . I wasn’t glued to my phone .
8. You notice everyone else on their phone . No one socializes anymore . everywhere I go I see someone on their phone . Everyone has to tweet, text, snapchat, etc, exactly what they are doing .
9. You notice people almost getting run over by cars lol.
10. You are happier . Yes happier. Because you aren’t spending so much time looking at other people’s lives , you are focusing on yours .
In October I downloaded everything again , because I felt like I was cut off from the world . But it didn’t do anything for me . So I deleted it all . I keep a Facebook , to keep in touch, but I probably won’t go on it .
I think all of you should try this too . Say goodbye to it all. Go out and try new things . Enjoy life without posting it online . You will feel 100x better .
A new development has arisen, not only do I feel like the world has abandoned me but it seems my few friends I have left have too. None have spoken to me since I was kicked out of school, the sister I spoke of previously was recently kicked out because she didn’t want to do the work involved for year 12. The school however gave her more help then they ever offered me, I was shoved to the side and told to leave however they gave her 2 months to catch up, they gave her a tutor and said she only had to do 2 of the 13 assignments she owed. She didn’t even try, I ended up doing one of them for her but no she only had to do one essay on how the elderly is treated in the eyes of the citizens and government. She later complained that no one helped her and the school just wanted her out, if I try to talk to her she screams at me and tells me she wished her brother never helped me get away from my mother. On that topic I took some advice and tried to talk to mother, she not only rescheduled 5 times, she later texted me telling me that I meant nothing to her and she was glad I’m gone and that her life is so much better with out me. I mean I try to stay strong for the 2 friends I have left but I don’t know what to do anymore, my friends have abandoned me, my mother literally said she hated me and I’m still being treated as a doll that has lost all its attention, not to mention that my meds are failing me and I’ve slept all of 4 hours in the past 2 weeks. I seem to enjoy solitude more and more now, I was once scared of being alone but now I dont want anyone to come near me for fear of getting hurt again, I know its just life but I cant help but wonder where all the decent people are hiding and why they don’t come out, this world could do with more good.
I just moved from home, in an attempt to save enough money for a college I can’t afford, to an entirely new city. I’ve been excited to move away from that place all my life, but now I feel crippled by adult responsibilities. My rent is 700, and I need to get a job immediately.
But with no job availability, and no experience to speak of in regards to city work, I’m stuck. Without a job, I can’t get insurance, which I need for a psychiatrist, and then for meds.
I need a car to get a job out of town, which I need a job to be able to afford.
I’ve had eight crippling anxiety attacks since I’ve gotten here, and I’m so depressed I don’t want to leave my house (which in a few months I won’t be able to afford).
I won’t even begin to look at college. Taking a gap year was risky enough.
My boyfriend wanted to get a gun for protection in the city. I told him he won’t be able to have it in the house- I will shoot myself.
O.K. Why is it so worse?
Our differences are wide our needs, similar, how are you going to get better?
Addiction changes you in a way that is twilight zone – Tobacco, once hooked, trips you into a smoke, no matter how many you avoided, I mean subconscious tricks— that’s why that smoke across the street looks five foot big pretty soon after you crush that next pack.
I’m supposed to be better, I’m typing here, guess I go do some some more computer stuff.
Dugtrio, inside of yo
I want to grow
It never change
Let me scent you
Evolve in the idle
But I always did lose
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Talk to someone about something relevant, and most people will respond like they are not interested.
People that prioritize their fantasies at the expense of the reality of things are, sadly, the byproduct of a lack of education, cultural indoctrination, or more drastically, some genetic outcomes, being a victim of violence, extreme poverty, sickness, addictions, to name a few…
Now try to fix or to solve a universal, a global, a regional or a local problem, because that idea you got is closer to an optimal state, clearly realistic, and/or overall less or not problematic at all. You will be stopped, discouraged, even stigmatized by many atm if you don’t “conform” to “their reality” as a group or, more often seen, as an individual.
If that even means something.
Let me add that reality is independent from experience, in this Universe.
If you’re not aware yet.
Yet we use experiences in order to seek a universal truth, shared by all, everywhere known.
No wonder that a lot of folks think about suicide, or act violently in response to their suicidal thoughts or particular background.
Because 1) people are, have been or will be overwhelmingly dishonest with them, for all the above reasons, and
2) they lose a big part of their hope, as a result.
A situation that can act like a virus within us.
And spread rather quickly.
The remaining subjects are the ones that are “completely” disatisfied with themselves or the situation(s) they faced/are facing currently, for which I can’t do much other than try to wake them up, to help somehow, if it’s even possible (depending on the case/stage/level of technology) or my responsibility to do so.
And no, I’m not religious, not affiliated with any culture nor slave of “society” as we may call it, and for a good reason.
I’m just trying to be honest,
living well in — hopefully — what will become an all-around responsible and sustainable world.
* * *
That’s a goal, obviously, not truly shared by many in this day and age.
Or not thought thoroughly.
Like it should be.
Since it affects deeply our kind, and life around.
Proof: look at the content posted on this website.
“Hopefully, one day, suicide will be a thing of the past.”
*Feel free to comment, to add on the subject, to share your story, etc.*
And please, decent English so people can read — not decipher — what you’re saying! 😉