The title says it all. I graduated high school today, and I have never been this suicidal in my entire life. I’m not going to college or anything, so I feel like it’s just my time to go. I said goodbye to everyone, so it’s okay if I die now. Nobody there really liked me much, anyway. To be honest, I’m surprised I made it this far. I didn’t think I’d make it to graduation, but I did. Now I don’t really have anything left to live for. It’s almost sad, I used to have such big dreams and high hopes, but I don’t know what happened. Depression stole them from me, I guess. I used to be full of passion and life and now I’m just empty. I had the potential to be something great, to accomplish all those dreams, but somewhere down the road, I fucked up. I’m fucked up. I just wanted to be a writer. But I’m beyond help, and it’d be better if I just end it all now.
I graduated from college two years ago. After graduation, I suffered from deep depression for complex reasons. I cried crazily and I am very suicidal. I couldn’t even go outside to seek a job. For a year, I just stay at home, isolated from all people and handle my emotion. In 2013, I went outside to seek professional helps, including psychologist, doctor and social worker. However, none of them think I need help. They just ask me to seek a job outside. In fact, I sent out many resume outside, none of them replied to me. Then, they told me just to work in restaurant, store and so on.
Now, I don’t know what else I should do. I am very tired of life. I hate my life. I don’t know what can i do instead of seeking dead. (I told my family and they are angry with me. No one understand me.)
Lately I’ve been feeling really sad. I cut myself yesterday and regret it :c idkkkk man.
I feel so alone, and my moms been bringing me down again. She calls me low life and lazy, and asks me when I’m gonna get a job, and what am I gonna study and all this shit. I’m 17 years old, and still young, fuck idk what I want to do or be yet, it’s going to take a long time for me to figure it out. I want to travel and meet people and see things form different perspectives. Why does life have to be so fucking rushed. I graduated 1 year early and I did so much and worked my ass off, she’ll never understand though. Nopeee all she does is say mean things to me.
I feel like I cant ever please my parents, they don’t know half the things that happened to me in school.Â They don’t know that homework isn’t easy, andÂ some teachers don’t fucking know how to teach. They don’tÂ know thatÂ some kids are fucking bullies and sayÂ “funny” things about others to their friends.Â They don’t see how hard I worked, they don’t see what a good kid I am, I don’t drink or do drugs or get in trouble.
My dad especially, he’s a straight asshole. He treats my mom like shit, andÂ treats me like shit too.Â I think it’s because he’s un happy because he cant drink anymore. He’s been sober for 8 years now and he used to be a bad alcoholic. I guess he just takes it out on us.
The man didn’t even go to my graduation, I’m still upset over that and it’s been 3 months. His presence would have been nice it would be shown he was PROUD to have a daughter like me, sometimes all I wish is for him to say what an mazing daughter I am instead of the negative shit. All my life I’ve been having to deal with negative shit, maybe that’s why im so negative. & I come from an aggressive family, so maybe that’s why i’m like this now. When your a little kid you notice things, and they infect your brain and when your older you realize even more things.
I wish my parents showed me they loved me more. I miss my mom hugging me when I was little, I don’t know what happened. I feel like as I get older, the more it gets worse, I guess that’s part of growing up, but it really sucks. Sometime I wish both my parents would hug me tight at the same time and squeeze me with all their might.
My mom was going to have a baby, but it died in her womb when she was 3 months pregnant. I still think about, how cool she or he would be. Having a little brother or sister was always a dream for me when I was little I would tell my mom if we could go to the store and buy one of those “crying babies” When I found out I had lost a future sibling I cried a lot with her. I cant imagine what my parents went through. I would love the shit out of my baby brother or sister. I wouldn’t be the youngest anymore, and feel way better because my parents would have another person to stay with them if I moved out. My baby brother or sister would have been 3 right now. I would kick him or her out of my room when he or she annoyed me. & If it was a girl id do her hair, and play dolls with her, id take her to the park, and tell everyone she was my little sister, and i’d protect her from the mean boys. If it was a boy i’d have fun beating him up.Â But for some reason My little brother or sister didn’t make it to see this fucked up world, but I hope he or she rest in piece.
Part of me thinks that the things that has happened to me has made me who I am. Part of me thinks it’s not true. I’ve always been around negativity and aggression and not a lot of happiness. Sometimes I wish I could explain this to my boyfriend because when I hit him, he asks me why I’m so aggressive.Â I remember hearing my dad yell at my mom, and i’ll never forget when he raped her and I had to get out of the room. He was of course drunk , and I remember crying and leaving with my apple juice in my hand. I also remember howÂ much my brother and his girlfriend fought, and I’m starting to notice I do what she used to do to my boyfriend.
I don’t know i’ve had a lot of shit in my head since I was little, and sometimes it all comes back to me and I end up doing shit to my boyfriend. I love him so much, and I feel like a terrible person sometimes but I can say he’s one of the best things that has ever happenedÂ to my life, he’s the light to my half dark life.Â I feel so shitty when I poke him, or piss him off especially when he thinks I try to make him cry and I want him to die. I would never want that, because my life would be completely DESTRYOED.
Life is fucking hard. But hey ive survived 17 years, Idk how much longer I can survive.
My life has been so unhappy for the short time I’ve spent here. I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD when I was only sixteen. My high school experience was horrible. I remember starting high school, I was so happy, excited, full of life. I remember one day walking up the stairs talking to a friends and they asked me how I could smile all the time for no reason. I can’t even remember the last time I truly smiled. I had an amazing group of eight girl friends, we had been close since middle school, then everything changed when I started hanging out with other people too. They started calling me a *****, they would corner me in the halls, surround me, scream at me. My facebook, my texts, were full of them calling me names, telling me what a horrible person I was. I started sinking further and further. I made a new friend, a guy a year younger than me, we had gone on a school trip to Costa Rica together, I turned for him for help. He ended up leaving bruises down my arms. I started thinking more and more about suicide. I tried talking to the counselors at my high school, trying to get them to help me stop the daily attacks my ‘friends’ waged on me, but when it’s eight girls against the voice of one no one cares. No one helped me. No one stopped them. I told one of my other friends that I was thinking about killing myself, he told me I should get it over with, that “everyone will be better off without you here, no one wants you here. They’ll be happier without you.” That night I took a bottle of pills. You know you can’t do anything right when you wake up the next morning, you can’t even kill yourself right. So I turned to cutting and burning and some how I made it to graduation. I was hopeful, leaving for college, escaping the pain of high school. I was doing okay, not good, but okay. I was still with my boyfriend of three years. Everything was getting better. I started my second year of college, my boyfriend and I took a break. I was so depressed and sad and alone again. I asked a friend to come drink with me and keep me company while I cried. He took advantage of me. I told him to stop. I’m so tired of being used. Of being hurt by people I trusted. I’m so tired of it all. My boyfriend and I got back together after I told him what happened. That was a year ago. I love my man so much. He left me a week before my 20th birthday, that was two weeks ago. He keeps screaming at me, telling me I’m easy, I’m a slut for that night a year ago. That night I told him to stop. I told him to stop. I told him too late. It’s all my fault. I got drunk. I said no too late. I’ve fought so hard for the man I love, trying to show him I’m sorry. I gave up everything fighting. I gave up a 4.0 GPA. I gave up the idea of getting into vet school and preforming state of the art surgeries. I’m so tired of fighting. I have no fight left in me. I have no friends, I lost the man I have loved for the past four and a half years, I gave up my future fighting for him. I’m so tired of fighting for a life that I hate. I held a gun to my head and pulled the trigger three months ago on one of the night my boyfriend was telling me how easy I am. I’ve only slept with him. And that night, I cant even remember that night anymore my PTSD has gotten so bad. I told him too stop. He did but it was too late. I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger waiting for the release, it never came. The gun jammed. You know you are ready to die when a gun jams on you and you reload to try again. My boyfriend woke up though and I hid the gun before I had a chance to pull the trigger. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hurting. All I hear is the voices of him, of those girls back in high school, Â telling me that I’m nothing, easy, worthless, failure, better off dead. Maybe they are right. I have nothing left to live for anymore. I want to be done fighting. I want to let go. I have no one. I have nothing. I am nothing.
Suicide to me 4 months ago seemed like only something I would hear in long hours of health class or something that would never affect me. Living in a small town of about 7,000 people you would only hear things along the line of sporting events or town meetings. Never anything about death. Until March 13th, 2012, I was sitting in the recliner debating whether or not i should go to church that night. I decided not to because I wanted to relax for the night. My step dad and I were watching TV when all of sudden we look outside to see 2 cars pull in our driveway. This was very strange because it was 8o’ clock on a Wednesday night and we lived in the middle of nowhere. While trying to gather all my thoughts my step dad answered the door. There was 2 police officers standing there. They asked for me and some basic information about myself. I honestly thought they were there because of something stupid I did at school. Until I they said the never forgetting words of your father has committed suicide at his apartment this morning. I totally fell where I was standing. I was lost, shocked, and confused. Wondering why my father would take his life and leave his 14 year old daughter. Not ever physically being able to be there for my graduation(s), to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and to just plain never be able to see each other ever again. I needed answers but the terrible thing about suicide is there are no answers. You leave all your loved ones to wonder why, what could i have done, and why me, just because of a selfish act. My father and I hadnâ€™t talked since Christmas because every time I saw him for a few short days or talked to him on the phone he could never put aside his problems and just talk to me. He was always in pain. He was the true definition of depressed now that I have stepped out of my denial stage and see the whole picture. I was left with all the responsibilities since I inherited everything and I was the one to make the choices. Picking out cards, what I wanted to do with his body, funeral plans, everything. From being a care free teen just a short day ago to making all these decision along with grieving my fatherâ€™s death. It has been hardest thing that I have ever had to do. No one should ever be affected by suicide itâ€™s selfish to you and your family. Life is a precious gift and we can’t take it for granted. People do care about you even though you might not think that. If youâ€™re having a bad day realize that the next day WILL BE BETTER. I could not express more on talking to people about your problems and get help. People will listen to you and the pain will go away if you get help. It has affected my life so much and I dearly miss my father. There is not a damn day that goes by that I don’t think about him. If you need someone to talk to I will listen email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. PEOPLE DO CARE!
Three years ago this summer I lost my father. He managed to make it to my graduation and my first summer semester in college. However, towards the end of that summer my father decided to take his own life. To be a victim of SUICIDE.
During that summer, I lost three of my best friends. Not cause of death, no. But because we split up and went to different universities around the state. We do still talk to each other from time to time, its just hard to find another group of people that you share some of the same interests in, the same personalities, and same basic humor.
During that summer semester I joined a fraternity. They are a great group of guys. I came real close to some of them until this past spring semester. My closest friend in the fraternity decided to move back home after he graduated. so he’s about 5hrs away now and is staying there for good to find a career.
Another one of my closets friends here at school is about to leave in a few weeks. He’s going to school two states away. that is an 8hr drive from me.
Its just so hard to trust and be close to people when I know they are just going to leave me. I know it is just a part of growing up and moving on. But it just makes me so sad. I’m so bored with life because all of the positive people in my life are leaving.
I’m just upset and depressed about it all and I need to let someone know about it.
I’ve tried to kill myself Â before. No one knows of course. Sadly the entire bottle of pills I took didn’t do anything but make me vomit the next day away. My family just thought it was the flu. They have no clue that I want to die, they don’t know that I hate my self with the entirety of my being. No one knows. I don’t want people to know, I don’t want to be that weird suicidal girl. The one that everyoneÂ pities, the girl that no one knows what to do with. I’m now a senior inÂ high schoolÂ and graduation is less than two weeks away. I thought things would get better, that I could get out of this hell hole and that I could just be myself. Now I feel like there is nowhere that I could be me. My father just told me I was stupid, that I was never right about anything. He was the one person that always told me that I was wonderful, that I could do anything. He was always there for me to talk to and tell my problems. He would tell me I was beautiful, that anyone who couldn’t accept me didn’t deserve to know me. The sad thing is I believed him when he told me that. Now I know better. Now I’m as pathetic in his eyes as everyoneÂ else’s. I know that my problems areÂ minusculeÂ compared to many people who write here, but I needed to write something, so I did. I’ve been afraid to try and kill myself again, but now I feel like maybe it really is the only option. It’s funny how one person can destroy you without even knowing what they have done.
i am an adult, now. at least according to the law – i’ve been an adult for quite some time. i’m 23 years old, on my fourth year of university and nowhere near graduation. i’m majoring in something i don’t love because i don’t love anything. i live away from my family – which is and has been broken for eight years, my mother so depressed she can barely hold a conversation that isn’t self-deprecating and shame-laden, my dad so lonely that it’s physically painful to speak to him, my younger brother so, so angry – and my two friends, who are the only meaningful links i have left to this world ( who are strong and have each other, who will remember me fondly ). where i am, i’m alone. in three years i haven’t made one lasting mark on anyone new.
i was depressed as a teenager, but gaining agency and independence seems to only have made things worse. i’m a financial burden on my lower-class family. i’ve wasted every opportunity given to me. i’m going to fail this semester – fail out of college. i’ve destroyed my body. i’m out of time.
this morning, i took a knife with me into my bathroom. i filled the tub with warm water. i cut my wrists and thighs open. i sobbed for forty minutes and pounded my own head into the wall of my shower, but made sure i didn’t wake my roommate, who was sleeping soundly just one room over.
i was too frightened of the pain, and of the nothingness i know death is. and so i’m still alive.
tonight i’m going to try to overdose.
i m 22 years old and i m the biggest loser in the world. I have failed in each and every field of life, studies, sports, socialising, relationships, etc. i love a girl very much. but she has no feelings for me and she keeps on saying, “i dont love u, but i want u just as a friend”. these words tears my heart apart. i even stopped contacting her. but she contacts me once in a week and repeats the same lines. i just cant take it any more. but i cant even b rude to her.
i suck in sports. whenever i play i get screwed up and everybody ends up laughing at me and making fun of me.
i have always failed in academics. in my graduation i got just 40% marks. i have failed 6 times in chartered accountancy foundation exam.
i m underweight and very weak. i cant fight even to save my own life.
i think that god sent me into this world as a punching bag for others. i dont belong to this world. i just want to end this life. but i dont do this only because of my parents. they will suffer if i m dead. but each passing day is tougher and tougher for me. may b, there will b a day when i will not care about anybody and end this wreched life.
SOMETIMES, SUICIDE IS THE ONLY OPTION…
Well, the long awaited Christmas break started Friday and I dont feel any better. My hopes were that with 1o days off from school that i could pull myself together and maybe actually be happy again. I was wrong, of course. Dont get me wrong, Christmas Eve and Christmas were pretty great- probably the only happy days ill have for awhile. Ive basically been hounded by my family about school and grades (the cause of my depression relapse and suicidal thoughts) the entire break. My mom is putting pressure on me to do well so i can get into med school like i want and putting pressure on me to do better than my brother and sister, my brother and sister are making fun of me, my dad trying to help by nagging, and its just too much. I simply cant take it anymore. I decided my death date about a week ago and im trying so hard not to just kill myself earlier. January 17th. That will be the best day ever. I wont have to deal with this shit anymore. I absolutely hate society. Especially here in America. Everyone expects you to get things done instantaneously when theres just no time to doÂ everything. And people wonder why heart disease is the #1 killer here, too much fucking stress. Even in high school.Â The idiotic teachers think that you have all night just to do their assignments when really, us students have 7 other classes’ homework to do. I just fucking give up. Teachers even say that its not going to get better or easier with the work load.Â I know that i will end up killing myself (or at least attempting) before graduation in 2015 because its just too fucking much. And no, school isnt the only reason i want to die.Â I have no friends. I have friends to talk to at school but no one (except one person who is a junior and i never see anymore) that i hang out with. I feel like im just the “back up friend”.Â My “friends” never really initiate conversation with me, I always have to and im just fucking tired of it. I dont fit in with anyone, im just the weird annoying kid that is friendly and nice to talk to but not cool enough to hang out with.Â Im more introverted and i cant help that. I feel like some people have it so fucking easy. And those people who think having a mental illness is “cool” irritate the hell out of me. They’re all like “I’m socially awkward haha” and i just want to scream at them because they have no fucking idea what its like to be afraid to go to a store because you have to talk to the cashier or to go out to eat because you have to talk to the waitress/waitor. Why the hell is being mentally ill cool? And if its so fucking cool, then why am i still a loser and alone in life? I haveÂ ADHD, depression, and maybe even social anxiety (all undiagnosed and untreated) so wouldnt that make me the coolest? Fuck people and their double standards.
I am dreading tomorrow. My family (dad, brother, sister, dad’s gf and her son) and I are going to the mountains on vacation for a couple days. I should be excited right? Wrong. Every vacation we go on with my dad’s gf and her son is just so fantastic <sarcasm>. My dads gf is a mega *****. Especially on vacation. She is always complaining and just being a fucking downer and creates all this drama. Like when we went to Disney 2 years ago, i asked my dad when we were gonna eat and then she goes on a rant about how people keep complaining (meaning me) even though she was complaining by going on the rant. And mind you, I’m a very sensitive person so it didnt end too well for me, i ended up crying. It doesnt sound that bad but im kind of downplaying it for you. She is such a mean person, i absolutely hate her. She also is always arguing with my dad.Â Always. She is always looking for little tiny faults to argue about. It pains me to see him fighting with her so much because it makes him so unhappy. And her son isnt too bad except for the fact that he acts like hes 3 when hes actually 12. Hes always running around and causing scenes and stuff and it irritates the hell out of me. But i dont want the vacation to end too quickly either because as soon as its over i have to do a history project that was due last week that i didnt do because i was too stressed and depressed to do anything. Its been hanging over my head all break and i just refuse to deal with it. I thought the break was going to be relaxing and would relieve my stress and make me happier. Hell, i even thought that my depression would magically disappear after having some time to relax. So much for that.
I want help, yet at the same time i dont. I want to feel better and happier and have a happy life. But i hate taking medication and i absolutely hate therapy. My dad tried getting us family counseling a few years after he and my mom got divorced. It wasnt very helpful. I just hate therapists, counselors, or whatever the hell you want to call them. Theyre all the same. They ask just one question that breaks down all your defenses. I dont want to open up to a complete stranger (funny how im doing it right now but i do have anonymity so its a lot easier). I just dont like getting help for anything. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable i guess. Im an independent person thats too proud to ask for help which i guess is a bad thing because im going to end up either dead or in a pysch ward for attempted/completed suicide. I dont know how to ask for help. I always come across as attention seeking when i tell my dad that i dont feel right or if i feel sick. And really i dont want attention. I want to be left alone to die in peace. And now isnt exactly the best time to tell him either. My brother was diagnosed with major depressive disorder over the summer, so it would worry my dad more if i told him that i wanted to kill myself. IÂ got a book for Christmas called 13 Reasons Why which is about a girl who committed suicide and left audiotapes for the 13 people who led her to commit suicide. My dad didnt know what the book was about until my sister asked when i opened it and he was instantly disgusted at the subject matter. So now i really dont want to tell him that im suicidal because he would be disgusted with me and would probably think that i was reading books about suicide to get ideas on how to do it.
I’m sick and tired of feeling like shit.
My mom walked out on my dad and I a month ago tonight, and is now renting a house with the man she was having an affair with. I still see her like twice a week, and she wants me to live with her some of the time. Fuck that, her… boyfriend? friend? I don’t know… creeps the fuck out of me. I get the most uncomfortable feeling around him, and he was trying to “talk sense” into me like he was my father and I lost it. My mom even called him my dad and I yelled at her for that too. She’s gone crazy, I’ve only seen her ALMOST cry once through this whole process even though I’ve cried numerous times in front of her.
I was trying to get my life back on track, but lately I’ve been losing my friends, and my sister doesn’t even like to come home from Vancouver because she hates it here. I don’t blame her, I’d move in with her if I could. All I ever want to do at night is cut myself but I’m trying to prevent that type of stress relief, you know how hard that is? I hate that my mom did this during my graduation year, grades are slipping and I can’t concentrate. I’m pretty sure I’ve made myself literally sick with stress too. Worst feeling ever.
Not sure what I was getting at here, just like talking to people about this stuff and getting it out, that’s all.
I’ve never understood why the people around me see me being suicidal as an assault on them. Sometimes I feel like the attempts that people have made to save me are just vanity driven allowing them to remain void of guilt largely because when people realise they can’t save me they get fed up and leave. It’s clear they don’t care. But worse than all of this is the way everyone from ‘friends’, family, and sometimes even mental health professionals use emotional blackmail against you. I’ve been called selfish because I have a 5 year old daughter (she has been taken from me). My alleged BEST FRIEND asked me what kind of evil person would leave a child to grow up with no mother. After all this is just a phase. And my Mum has just put so much effort in to trying to get me help. Why don’t I care about that? And why don’t I appreciate the fact that I even have a friend. I have been told that it is my fault people leave me because I don’t stay in touch with them, that when I have missed a party, or dinner date because I just haven’t been able to pick myself up out of the corner I am selfish. It was my friends birthday/graduation whatever. I don’t open up to people so how would they know what I was going through? I just come across as being selfish, ungrateful and evil apparently. The people that have an idea what is going on still apparently think this way. The man that is supposed to love me promised to come and see me last time I was in hospital and then didn’t bother to show and a few week later informed me it was because I was too hard to deal with when I was ‘like that’. My friend was visiting from Sweden when I was sectioned. Having nor spoken to her since then yesterday I recieved this from her:
‘I dont know everything so Im not going to judge or tell you what to do, but I hope you can sort everything out but I dont think we can meet up again until you have sorted stuff out’
People treat me as though I am bad. As though I choose to be like this. I would like to share my story another time so everyone here can understand what has driven me to this place. I think anyone should understand why my life has gone the way it has but it seems no matter what those on the outside always see suicide as purely self indulgent. Am I really all of those things or am I just desperate?
So a few years ago, my first year in college, I tried to kill myself. I was in a bad place. I was living in a new city, had always been terrible at meeting people, and was under a lot of pressure to do well academically so I could keep my scholarship. Needless to say I survived, but I lost my scholarship, dropped out, and moved back home to live with my parents.
I was angry and depressed a lot. I got in fights with my family. My parents didn’t really get what had happened. After all, its not like I was physically abused or any kind of substance abuser or some other sob story. Its not like I had an excuse. All I did was try to kill myself.
Everyone I knew pretty much stopped caring about me. They had no more expectations of me. At the absolute worst moment in my life, everyone I loved, respected, or looked up to abandoned me.
I was in debt. My school was making me pay back the scholarship money I had already used since I dropped out. I tried taking classes at the local state university, but I didn’t really put much into it. I had a stint working as a landscaper, but my boss was all too happy to let me go for being a shitty worker. One time my fighting with my parents got so bad that they through me out of the house. I went to a therapist who diagnosed me with major depression. They gave me a few different drugs to try, but all of them just made me worse. I made plans to try killing myself again, but when it came down to it I couldn’t go through with it.
Fuck I couldn’t even get suicide right.
One day I woke up and I was just tired of living like this. I wanted to make another go at life even if I sucked at it. I got a job making coffee and waiting tables. I managed to pay off my debt and started taking school seriously again. After a few years of working full time and way too many summer courses I managed to graduate debt free. I even got a decent job after graduation.
So now I have no debt, a decent job, and an apartment on my own. I even managed to repair my relationships with my family. And you know what? I am still not happy. I wake up every day wondering if that’s the day I will finally go through with it. Deep down I still hate myself, and I still resent everyone for abandoning me when I needed them most. Sure, they started caring again, but I had to earn it. And you never quite trust someone the same way again when you know exactly what it takes to get them to turn their back on you.
Sometimes I think I might just be crazy. Maybe it would be better if I just died.
Before I tell my story I’d like to say a few things. I am not looking for pity or attention. I deserve neither of those. I don’t need anyone to tell me that what I say about myself isn’t true and I’m being to hard on myself. I only wish to get my story out here so that anyone who feels the same way will know that they are not alone.
I’m going to start off with a little background about my family and myself. My mother’s mother was a bi-polar depressive and an alcoholic. Her parents divorced and re-married several times when she was younger. When her parents WERE together, they fought a lot, occasionally getting a bit physical. My mother has depression, was divorced once before. After getting in a fight with her first daughter, my sister, she (my sis) decided to move in with her dad and I didn’t see her again for 3 years. My parents fight often and, while not yet divorced, sleep in different rooms and have a failed marriage.
My father is over-weight and has anger-management problems. He is short-tempered, and while not violent (other than the time he threw a chair at my brother when my bro was about 10) he yells often and can be rather scary. His first wife (with whom he had my brother) died in a car accident, leaving him a single father until he met my mother 19 or so years ago. My father had/has very high expectations of both myself and my brother and can be very pressuring.
My brother went into a military academy for high school (under the pressure of our dad) and eventually got into the United States Naval Academy (also under the pressure of our dad) majoring as a Mechanical Engineer (once again under the pressure of our dad). A month before graduation, my brother began skipping classes to go drink and got kicked out. For a year he lived alone in an apartment an hour away from our house, paid for by the remainder of his mother’s insurance money. He began doing drugs, smoking, and drinking even more in this time. He was mugged in his apartment twice, his things stolen or trashed and he was hit over the head with his own acoustic guitar. My father made him move and start taking classes necessary to finish his degree which he eventually stopped going to. He is now working to become a pilot (which unsure as to if HE actually wants to do that).
My sister, as most average teens, began drinking at about 15 years old. She also moved in with her dad and his snobby step-wife (although she WAS kind to my sister). My sister began following Christ and changing her ways, becoming a model person, not drinking, and reconnecting with my mother and the rest of our family. She receny graduated as a religion major and has a job nearby us.
Now on to me. To begin with, I rather harshly believe I raised myself for the most part. My mother being an artist, not a cook, we necer had family meals and we don’t interact as regularly as most families.Â
I am a 14 year old, bisexual, moderately intelligent but lazy, procrastinative, and most prominently, self-loathing.
9th grade was a hard year for me. My laziness, lack of focus, and procrastinative tendencies caused me to be failing at least three classes at a time for a majority of the year. I took 4 out of 5 honors classes, thinking I could handle the responsibility and pressure, but found I could not. In March I developed stress nausea and was sick for nearly the whole month, took several sick days, and occasionally faked the severity of the sickness to get out of things. I developed a pattern of not doing my work and lying to get out of it.Â
I have never been in a serious relationship and have ver low self-esteem. I often put myself down for the smallest of things. I find myself unattractive and untalented. I am hyperactive and have an over-active imagination. I have little motivation and rarely follow through on things. I am of very little worth to society.
About 3 or 4 months ago, I gave up. I don’t really feel like I’m living anymore, just going through the necessary movements. I enertain myself with meaningless little things and am rather anti-social. I find very little value in my life. I often fantasize about various ways of killing myself and it makes me happy. I have no fear of death. When I get really depressed (usually at night), I try to think of how to go about killing myself, but never can think a convient and thorough enough way of doing so. I started cutting a few weeks ago, and enjoy the control it gives me. However clichÃ©d it sounds, the pain feels good. Since I don’t care about myself, I don’t anything wrong with cutting myself. I’ve seen a therapist before, but only ended up leaving with a perscription for ADD medicine.
I don’t want to be a bother to anyone and do not wish for help. I don’t deserve people’s valuable time, money, and attention. I often lay awake at night due to my insomnia and cry. I’m pretty much done with life and am ready to die.
However, I do feel that for these3 to 4 months it’s been, I’ve been waiting for something life changing or special to happen and as it has yet to happen, I feel as though I may now be in a permanent state of waiting. I feel very much alone.
I know other people have worse lives and are less fortunate than I, but I’m not saying my life is difficult. I’m just fucked up and undeserving of what I’ve been given. I desire more than anything to die, but I know death’sÂ too good for me. I’m a terrible, worthless person. I don’t deserve anything.
I live a life, yet I feel like I do not truly hold an important existence. All I am is an immenseÂ disappointment, a big burden, & faith put to waste. I have felt worthless and invisible in society ever since I was a little child, and I have worked so hard to overcome that, yet I have just landed right back into that same dilemma and loneliness. In so many ways, I am still that lonely, confused, and lost child I was then, yet unlike then, there just is no hope for me now. Change just is not possible.
One of the biggest issues in my life is that I am a nuisance to my family. While they do love me, I can tell that I just bring pain to their lives by needing help with money constantly. You see, I am in college, and it is not an affordable one. That was my biggest mistake I have ever made in my life-I fell for all the allure portrayed through the brochures and the sales-like pitches-My heart was enchanted, and I felt that it would direct me to a good future career.
But I know I was wrong to choose the school. While it has gifted me with some very wonderful friends, it has just caused a financial nightmare for both my family and I. The districtÂ slaps on so many bills for so many things, that it has caused a lot of tension and financial struggles in my family. I know I should have transferred out of there as soon as possible, but I thought it would be manageable, and much of my family agreed that I should try to stick with it.
Now, I am up to my senior year, and now I cannot help but cry and crumble in defeat upon feeling that I made a big mistake. I will owe $40,000 after graduation, and for a girl that has never had any money in her entire life, it is quite a huge hassle.
Yes, I know I signed on to it, and knew what I was getting into it, but I had thought that I would haveÂ a great chance of getting a good job. But in the face of this economy, it is clear that it is not going to be so-My major is specializing in Journalism, Public Relations & Marketing, and it is just so competitive-I know I don’t even have a chance.Â I used to think I had talent, but now I realize that nothing about me stands out from anyone else.
I tried for months to get a job just for the summer, applying to probably about 200 places in total. And people just did not want me. I was not good for any of them. So, I am now working at a Christian Camp, doing exhaustive work in a kitchen for 12 hour shifts. I hate it, but I can’t leave, because I need the money. College has gone up even more-and the sad thing is, after all this hard work, I STILL won’t have enough to pay for college myself; my parents will have to help me-and they had to take up strenuous jobs themselves to do so.
Being stuck inside while I see all the little tots outside playing, giggling and enjoying their little carefree livesÂ is just torture-and it seems to summon up my life inÂ a nutshell-watching people live happy lives while I stand on the sidelines, suffering a miserable existence. While I chop up 1000 tomatoes, or stick yet another batch of cookies in the oven, while people bark orders above my head, I cannot help but wish I could escape it all. Everything. The anxiety. The exhaustion. The pathetic reality that is my life… Everything.
I mean, why bother trying to live when I am so unhappy, and nothing ever gets better for me? Why bother to live when I know I will never get to live successfullyÂ & comfortably-because of the stupid college decision I made? Why Bother live when I am being a burden to my parents-who, in their 60’s, really cannot afford to be working to take care of a 20 year old going to an expensive college. I am a burden to my older siblings as well, who give so much to me, when I can’t give anything in return.
IÂ know if I chose to end my life, it would break their hearts, but in the end, it would be best for everyone, because they finally would not have me eating up all their money, and would not have to worry about me anymore. And plus, since I do not want to live anyway, really, I don’t deserve to be a source of their care and hospitality. That is how i feel anyway.
But judging from what is written above, I truly am useless, right? There doesn’t seem to be any sense of redemption that awaits me in the future…
I am sorry if I wasted your time, dear reader. It’s just, I don’t know who else to reach out to…I don’t know if I could write all this in a suicide note, if I did decide to go that route.
Hey guys,I haven’t really been this open about my problems,but I feel like I need to find emotional support.Here’s what’s going on:First of all,there was this guy that I really cared about.We dated a little over a month.When we first talked,I actually thought that he was such a good guy when I didn’t even know that it was an act.Anyway,around the last part of the month,he didn’t see me for two whole weeks when he usually stops by every week.He told me one night that he was done looking for someone because he found me.So,I gave him the benefit of a doubt that he was actually working late like he said he was.Then,the day when he came by,I thought that we were going to work out the problems we were having.I was wrong:he broke up with me.He wanted us to be “friends” for now,but some friend he was.He didn’t even bother to be there for me when I needed him.He didn’t make an attempt to go to my graduation.He even lied saying that he was in another state the past week.Funny thing was the day of my graduation,we passed by his work place.He was there.We got into two bad arguments.We’re not speaking anymore.What really bothers me was that I was really into him and for him to treat me like that,made me feel worthless to him.It hurts when he’s in my dreams because that tells me that I still care about him.Now,I feel like I’m done with love and no other guy would ever care about me.I can’t feel happy anymore after what happened.I strongly have this urge to either strangle myself or stab myself in the heart.I just want this pain to be over.Please,help me.
i havent wrote here in a while, things been going great for a long time, and graduation is saturday. but today, somebody made me ready for death. Somebody wanted to make me kill myself today, like no other. Somebody bullied me like i’ve never been bullied before. She humilated me. She took a picture of my hair and said “your hair should not look like this” and posted it on twitter. i have never been so hurt in my life, i’ve been called ugly, and all sorts of names, but this is just horrible. Saturday after graduation, im killing myself.
im a sinner and every morning when i wake up im still me… you can hide from annoying people but how can you hide from yourself? no attempts this morning, i’ll stay for the graduationÂ and then i have all summer to try try try again.
I am a recent college graduate. I want to go on Facebook, and message this person from my year, and tell her that my life has been a lot of bullshit since graduation. I know this is a bad idea for a number of reasons. I just really want someone to tell me that their life has been a lot of bullshit as well. I just want to make a connection with someone. In truth, I have two good friends, but they don’t like to listen to my problems. They also spend most of their time absorbed in video games, and while I am a terribly patient person the whole routine is getting old. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only lonely person on the planet. What would help is if I knew after work I would be meeting another lonely like me, or going to a party with some friends, but in reality I go home and no one talks to me. I know this is rambling: it’s late and I can’t compose my thoughts so well. I need to rewrite this for another post.
Oh man, please don’t tell me I’m the only one out there who feels so lonely. I’m smart and interesting and know a lot about books and music, won’t somebody please talk to me??? I can’t keep going to work knowing that I have nothing waiting for me at home.